Because I’m so happily married, and because I just read my friend Alias’s blog about bad dates, (No, I can’t link you, cause that shit’s private.) I’ve become inspired to tell you about my worst date.
It is really not that bad, and I hope you’ll share your bad dates in the comments, because I need to be entertained like that.
This guy I worked with took lunch at the same time I did, and after several mutual lunches, he asked me out. He was cute. I like ’em tall and blonde and he was tall and blonde. I think musicians make the best lovers, and well, hello, band teacher!
He came to pick me up, lookin and smellin all good, not dressed at all like a band teacher. How nice. I don’t know why this surprised me, as I certainly didn’t dress as a school marm for our date, but I was pleasantly surprised.
He asked to use the phone. I left him in the kitchen with the phone, wherein he loudly announced the cover charge of the club to which he would take me. Twice.
Strike One.
Yes, I did have a Three Strikes You’re Out Rule.
I was never good at dating, and I often felt it was a waste of my time. I preferred gentleman callers just came and did the sex and then generally left me the hell alone. I told you I was a slut in recovery.
While driving to dinner, I could not help but be irritated by his slow speed. I do not mean careful, cautious driving. No. I mean blue-haired lady, out for a Sunday drive in her enormous Cadillac driving.
Strike Two.
Dinner was fine. He took me to a well-known steak house. I didn’t eat “meat” at the time. I ordered the salmon & shrimp, which was perfectly yummy, but I could tell he found it less than charming. Since he had gone on about the cost of the cover charge, I made sure to order something less costly than his entree, because I am nothing if not perceptive. Conversation was polite, but I must say, I found his sense of humor lacking, both with our waiter and with me.
We then went to a jazz club around the corner, where, I swear to you, he actually said the cover charge out loud again while he paid the man at the door.
Inside the jazz club, he sat, toe-tapping on the edge of his seat. The other couple at our table made conversation between songs, and tried to include us. My date did not enjoy their attempts at small talk, and refused the stranger man’s offer to buy us drinks. Between sets, he looked completely agitated while looking everywhere but at the people at our table, including me. It was as though he needed to escape.
Now, I am an introvert. I really am. I do not enjoy chatting to strangers for long periods of time. But I have better manners than to be curt with people I’m going to spend several hours with. As an introvert, I was completely offended by having to “carry the conversation” on our end.
I began to wonder if he was a racist, as well.
He drove me home. We sat in silence for the forty minutes it took to make the twenty-minute journey.
Then, he walked me to the door, grabbed me, stuck his tongue down my throat, groped my breast, smiled, thanked me for a great evening, got in his car, and drove away.
Do I even need to say Strike Three?
I stood there, I’m sure, looking as befuddled and awed as I felt.
The following Monday he asked me out again. I declined politely. He stopped taking his lunch in the same slot I took mine.
joeyfullystated 
Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever had a date that bad. My worst was just boring. I went to his place, he made me a boring dinner (spaghetti) we watched a boring movie and then he took me to bed where, guess what? Yeah. I left at something ridiculous like three am. I was too bored to even sleep.
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That’s not too bad, apart from the bed bit. đŸ˜‰
I’ve heard some real doozies!
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It’s been so long since I dated that I’ve forgotten most of mine. Unfortunately it’s the bad ones you tend to remember. đŸ˜›
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True!
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đŸ™‚ Both of mine were blind dates. Number 1 was dinner where he went on AD NAUSEAM about his liver problems….in every topic of discussion that I attempted to pursue. Yay. Number 2 we met in a bar. I dressed up. And to my dismay he was the guy in SWEATPANTS slouched over a trivia game box. Charming. Aaaand that was the end of blind dates for moi đŸ˜›
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OH wow! Magsy, that’s crazy! Both of them are crazy! #1 needed a therapist and #2 needed motivation!
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Wow, he’s a real winner. What a catch for the poor woman who eventually netted him. Makes me glad to be an old married woman!
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I’m glad for us both!
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Okay, there were two notable ones but of them, one stands out. He drove up in one of those half/car/half/truck things. I mean that’s like driving up in a hearse. He walked in the door and plunked down a six pack. After five minutes of small talk, he was onto the groping and tonguing. Which was all such a waste since once he disrobed I discovered he had the smallest penis I’d ever even heard of. I think we had sex but I’m not sure, since I couldn’t FEEL it. And that is like eleventy strikes isn’t it? I mean the penis is a whole 6 or 7 right? đŸ™‚
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AHAHAHAHA! Totally Eleventy! Sex you didn’t feel does account for the worst date ever. You might be the winner of worst dates!
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I think that it addition to strike 3, he is also guilty of assault. Wow. What a creep-de-doo-doo.
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The only thing I got is… years ago my buddy introduced me to a girl he worked with who was single and looking. At the time he and I played music in bars, so to introduce us he invited her to the bar one night while we were playing. After our set I met her. We spoke for a bit, but she wanted to head outside, so we did. Outside she said she wanted to jump in the back of her car and sex it up. I declined. I’ve never been a man-whore. We made out for a minute and that was that, for that night. We spoke a few times and decided we were going to go on a real date.
I went to her place, an apartment, and we went out on her balcony. We began with a little fooling around, me on her. She wanted to take it inside, so we did. More fooling around, me on her. When the roles were reversed, she suddenly had a horrible coughing fit and had to leave the room to get something to drink. That was when she stopped paying any attention to me.
We left for our date, which was to meet up a bunch of her friends at Applebees for drinks. While there I was getting along fine with everybody but her. She got a huge margarita and after a few sips was acting like a drunk bitch, cussing me out and making fun of me. I felt so small. Even her friends were asking her what the hell was wrong with her.
I told her I had a great time but I wasn’t going to complete our date. She begged me to, so I did. We then went to a place in Northern Kentucky called Mainstrasse. Basically, bars everywhere. We walked to one bar and she stood at the bar facing her friends with her back to me the whole time. We went into another bar, same thing. I walked with her down the street and sat on a corner, she basically ignored me. We went to another bar where her friends all happily and drunkenly made out with their dates. She sat next to me on her phone texting her friends who were there with us. I got up and left. My car was parked right behind that bar. I didn’t tell her I was leaving. She didn’t notice I was gone until I was almost at my car, when I heard her yelling for me to come back. I shook my head and went on.
Amazingly, a couple years later we had a good talk, she apologized to me greatly, and we dated again for six great months. Small things broke us up, but not in a bad way, and to this day we’re still friends.
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How bizarre! I apologize, Matt, but I must have missed this comment. I kinda don’t like her. lol I’m glad you have Jen!
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Oh yeah, that her was terrible. When we dated again she was great, and our relationship was. She had a problem spending money and maxing out credit cards, her wallet was full of them and her closet was full of PILES of clothing that she had purchased and never worn, still with tags on them. That was my biggest issue. Also, she lived in Kentucky and refused to move to Ohio, and I lived in Ohio and refused to move to Kentucky, at least the part she lived in. So we ended it. She’s now happily married and so am I and her and I are still great friends. I’m very happy she found someone great to share her life with and a part of me will always love her. But it would have never worked. I’m glad I met Jen too đŸ˜€
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My favorite part “We sat in silence for the forty minutes it took to make the twenty-minute journey.” Holy Moly that sounds like an uncomfortable date, Joey. Yikes! Be extra grateful tonight you have The Mister and are no longer in the dating world. To be fair, I’m not really in the dating world either right now…. but mostly because I’ve dated every loser in the area and there just isn’t anyone left! Thanks for the laugh tonight!
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Thanks for takin the time to read it. It really was bad. I am truly grateful to have the man I do!
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I’m glad you pointed me in that direction! I love your posts! I missed a few when I had my blog hiatus but since I have no dating life perhaps I’ll catch up this weekend! The good part about having a blog is that I’m less likely to get upset when I’m in situations like bad dates… eh, it’ll make a fun post!
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There is that. Negative experiences make great fodder for posts.
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