I just finished some yummy quesadillas which made me sleepy. I feel like I should go lie down, but in all honesty, I only ate five quesadilla triangles, and I slept late, so there shouldn’t be a reason as to why I’m so sleepy.
So, I thought maybe I’d write. I was trying to recapture the idea I had in the night. What was I going to write about? Oh, I thought it was a good idea at the time…
What was it?
I couldn’t remember.
A writer. With great ideas in the night.
That she can’t remember in the morning.
Could I be any more original?
I couldn’t remember UNTIL I remembered what actually happened in the night.
You see, I had a rough night’s sleep. Oh, you know how it goes. Could be any number of things. Mine happened to be The Mister.
Now, it’s time to share with you the intimate details of my marriage.
Sometimes, The Mister snores. My cat snores on my face sometimes. It tickles. We are not talking about cute kitty snores. He had a sleep study. They advised him to sleep on his side. They should have also advised him to sleep on his own side of the bed.
I believe I’ve mentioned how he can fall asleep anywhere, in any position, and how he’s particularly prone to falling asleep while snuggling?
I believe I’ve mentioned he’s hot?
Like a walking heating pad?
Like lift up the covers and get into bed with the human oven?
Yes. All these things are true.
Sometimes, while I am chopping vegetables, I am the sexiest woman alive. He’ll come up behind me and kiss on my neck, and one thing leads to another…and well, you know.
Sometimes, on a random Tuesday in January, when he comes to me in the kitchen, he will kiss my neck, and whisper something really hot into my ear, like, “I cannot wait to snuggle you.”
Oh yeah. That’s hot.
So I knew what I was in for when we went to bed last night. I perched at the edge of my side of the bed. I tossed the heavy duvet off, and waited…
Hotness. All up on my shit.
If you, too, are a hot, snuggly person, you should know that I am sometimes called “Ice Queen” or comments are made, alluding to my frozen heart. I promise, emotionally, I am a warm, loving person. Mostly. I’m very affectionate. Once I know you and stuff. Or if I’m drunk. I’m just not into being hot, and I hate to sweat, and even I hate the tingly feeling that comes right before I sweat. Okay, okay, I like to be cold. And distant. Often. But I’m not an ice queen.
i’m not even blonde
It takes about five seconds for him to fall asleep.
I feel the flinch. It’s like his nigh-nigh switch.
It takes about five minutes before he snores in my face.
“Roll over. I cannot hear Jon Stewart anymore.”
He denies this.
He’ll say he’s not asleep. “I’m not even asleep, so how can I be snoring?!?”
So I let him build to a crescendo again, which means my back is starting to sweat, I take another route.
“Baby, I know you’re not sleeping and you can’t possibly be snoring, but loud noises are coming from your face. Could you please roll over?”
*Hmph. Huff. Fling.*
And then it’s quiet, and my back cools.
Most nights.
But last night? All night long, like a character trapped in a surreal play, I could not get The Mister to stop invading my space with his hot and loud.
“Baby, roll over. Feel free to use your side of the bed.”
“Honey, I can’t breathe when you snore into my nose!”
“Jesus Fuckin Christ! Get offa me! You’re making my hair sweat! I don’t even have blankets anymore!”
“Oh My Fucking God!” I sat up, ripped his pillow out from under his head, braced myself with my arms, and pushed his hips to his side of the bed with my legs.
“Imma build a fucking fence here!”
He didn’t even wake up.
I wanted to bat him about the head with that pillow, but I didn’t. Because Marine.
“I cannot sleep like this! All night you’re on me! All night with the snoring in my face! All night! All night! I don’t even know if I’ve slept!”
I swear he smirked. I could hear him smirk in the darkness.
That’s it. That’s what I was going to write about. I was going to write about how tortured I am by the hot, snoring man in my bed.
When I brought it up to him today, he seemed unfazed. Said he’s very attracted to me.
joeyfullystated 
Oh dear, poor you! I hope you get a better night’s sleep tonight.
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Thanks, Linda! I hope so too.
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Classic “I’m not sleeping how can I be snoring” line. Try it in Dutch:
stoppen met snurken alstublieft schatje
Maybe tonight will be better…good luck 😉
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Do this one phonetically, please? alstublieft — then I’ll try.
Dank u vel, Magsy!
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Men!
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*nods*
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ZOMG that sounds like my nighttime conversations with hub. Furnace like a mofo, and snoring like a freight train with a megaphone on it. And falls asleep on a dime, then snores, then claims he wasn’t even sleeping when I wake him as I’m moving away. “Where ya going?” YOU WERE SNORING DIRECTLY IN MY EAR. “I wasn’t asleep!”
My hub is NOT a Marine and I HAVE attempted to smother him with a pillow to stop his snoring. He sucked the pillow into his mouth on every inhale but never woke up.
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Hehe! Really?!? Oh wow! Apparently we are not alone in our suffering! Furnace like a mofo, LOLOLOLOL!
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It’s like the stinky kid in the Peanuts comic strip with the stink lines coming off of him? I think our hubs have heat lines coming off of them. I can’t even comprehend how he sleeps with all that heat. And damned if he doesn’t keep an extra blanket on top of him at night versus what I use (which is a comforter mostly tossed off of me because I’m so damn overheated).
Furnace like a mofo, yo. 🙂
(also, your post was hi-larious)
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Yes, I would say it exudes from him like stink from Pigpen 🙂
Thanks again!
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I LOL’d at “loud noises are coming from your face” hahaha! Hahaha!
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Thanks so much 🙂
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My husband is always the hot one too! I sometimes beg him to lay on my side of the bed while I brush my teeth, etc., and make it all toasty before I come to bed in the cold, cold, cold weather! 😉
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Right? Well, I tell you, when he gets up before me, I slide into his warm spot, because the bed gets awfully cold without him — probably 20 degrees cooler!
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I was reading this without stop! I was really inside! Inspired me a lot 😉 Nice!!
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Thank you for stopping by to read and comment, Rultigaro!
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was a pleasure 😉
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This is hilarious. My boyfriend also snores– though he denies it, even in the face of scientific evidence provided to him a la my recording him snoring on my iPhone. Like a creeper. He also likes to say sexy things like “I want to cuddle you so hard.” Every bit of this is so freaking relatable, I love it.
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Don’t you know, I have thought many times about recording him!
I’m sorry you can relate, but again, also happy not to be alone in my suffering!
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Why do men insist they are not sleeping when they are? I mean is this an attack against their manhood or what? Mine falls asleep on the couch and then swears he wasn’t sleeping. Just snoring…not snoring, It’s just my imagination. Men are frankly weird.
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I do not know! I can’t see how it makes any sense at all! Yes, they ARE.
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I am so glad that you show restraint, Joey. Because, you know. Marine.
I have to elbow mine repeatedly till he will roll onto his side and I can find some peace and quiet. Till he rolls the fuck over again.
Argh.
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I guess your husband is also “very attracted to you.”
Thanks for popping in, Kiran 🙂
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LMAO @ Loud noises are coming from your face!! BWahahahahahaha! #LoveIt
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Thanks so much, ML!
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You’re welcome 😀
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I don’t mean to laugh, but this one got me! You’re so hysterical! I feel for him though, too, cause I snore and I feel bad about it, but I snore loud. Like, I can’t stay in hotels cause I snore so loud. But still, LOL!!!
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🙂
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