I have a specific preference for knobs and buttons and dials.
While plenty of gadgets are spectacular, with their digital LED displays and their touchscreens, some things just need to be poked, or rather, I just need to poke them. Things I cannot poke bother me.
For instance, have you ever used one of those pet-tag engraver kiosks with the digital touchscreen keyboard? My Gawd, what fresh hell can this be?!?
Remember when cars had pop-up locks that one could see without gawking into the vehicle like a lunatic lock-stalker? I’m not a fan of power locks.
I’d even prefer not to have power windows in my car.
Also, why is it that when I insert a disc into my blu-ray player, I’ve got to wait ages (about 40 seconds) for the disc to load? What is it doing in there?!?
*Bangs head on media cabinet*
My daughter’s got a disc player where you pop it in, it spins for a second, you push play, and voila! They all used to be like that, you know!
I realize I’m beginning to sound like Mrs. Patmore and her fear of the electric mixer, but I really do have strong feelings about it.
No one would ever call me trendy. Ever. If a trend lasts for a couple of years, I may participate in such a trend. I am late to all hip happenings.
I’m all for technology.
For things that aren’t crucial.
Appliances are crucial.
I think we’ve gone a little lakka-lakka over making things digital.
Look what I found the other day:
what.the.fuck?
*Screams in horror*
What on earth would inspire such insanity? Toast is so easy! I like toast on the middle dot, Moo likes hers on the second, bagels go in on one dot higher. Finding your dot is really not difficult at all. There is no need to complicate the heating of bread!
When I bought my washing machine, I was looking for knobs.
Yes. Knobs. Dials. Buttons. Tangible doohickies that make shit go.
The reason I want knobs is because in 1996, Fairy Godmother was one of the first people I knew who bought one of those new-fangled front-loading, sitting on a pedestal, washer and dryer sets, and she told me the digital display broke, and it cost her thousands of dollars to repair it. Thousands. Being a young, broke adult, this horrified me to the point where I rationalized I would rather put quarters into a washer at the local public laundromat for my entire life than to be at the mercy of such a scary, powerful, money-sucking item.
I shared this story with the salesman, so that he would understand my reluctance to purchase such a heinous item. He understood me completely.
I don’t think laundry should come with fear.
WHAT?
joey-friendly washer
And, while I waited for my washing machine to be loaded, I gazed at the gas ranges. Most of them are digital. I don’t want to buy a digital one, because when I lived in Georgia, my digital display went out. I could not cook for two days, and the panel, although I didn’t pay for it, was $80. Ack!
reliable range with knobs
digital display from appliance hell
Which leads me to the point of this post, which is my thermostat. It’s conspiring against me. I don’t understand it. I thought we had all of our problems sorted out when it finally admitted to me that it needed batteries, and I gave it batteries. I thought, “AHA! Now, you will obey!”
No.
It has a programmable feature. Someone has programmed it to be…even too cold for me!
I KNOW!
The programming only works Monday-Friday. You cannot program diddly squat on the weekend. And lemme tell you, when my feet hit the porcelain tile in the kitchen, even with socks on, my nipples pop out, I cuss, and I envision icicles!
weekend mornings in the kitchen
So, I poured my coffee, opened all the curtains, and headed to the thermostat.
It was 61 in here, and supposed to be 70. The furnace was not running.
Why?
Why?
Why, why, why, why, why, why, why???
Everyone knows that when you turn the thermostat up, the heat should kick on!
Moo came in and went to the thermostat, “Why is it 61? Can we turn it up?”
If only, Moo. If only.
my evil thermostat
It is for this reason, I have fiddled with the thermostat, trying to understand what motivates it. Nothing.
I’ve had it on 84 degrees for over an hour, and it’s run once. It is now 63 in here.
Anyway, I’ve decided that this thermostat is far too fancy for me. Yes, I do realize that there are even fancier, wifi-friendly thermostats connected to smartphones now, but this one is too much for me. I need a dial-y-faced thermostat. I need a thermostat with whom I can forge an understanding.
Like this guy. He looks dependable.
come to mama!
Now, in case you’re wondering, no, The Mister cannot figure out the thermostat, either. In fact, he understands it less than I. He’s a moving parts person. It is sad that I am the more technology-friendly person in the house, because I am not particularly technology-friendly.
How technology-friendly am I, you ask?
Well, I had my iPod nano for four years before I gave it to Moo. Did I know there was a video camera in it? Did I know it had games on it? Fuck no, I did not.
You’re right, I will ask Moo to fiddle with the thermostat when she gets home from church.
joeyfullystated 
I love this post! I went on a similar tantrum on my blog a few weeks ago. I think we have most of the same appliance issues. Wait until you find one that requires constantly changing filters. Filters that are unnecessary, and unwanted.
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Thanks!
Link me to your tantrum?
What filters? WHY?! Argh!
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Coldhand.boyack.wordpress.com/2013/12/31/technological-bitching I thought it might be rude to include the link, but since you asked.
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Your link didn’t work, but I found it by title, so thanks! Great post!
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“What is it doing in there?!?”—hahaha, you always make me laugh.
I feel your pain. I recently visited my mother and step-father, and I couldn’t figure out how to use their completely digital stove. They’re 71 and 81, and yet I was the technology dunce on that one. Luckily I redeemed myself by teaching my mother about Facebook. She’s been on it for a year, but still didn’t get the basic idea. Then again, not sure I do either…
Great post!
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Oh wow! Your parents must be trendy!
I’m a Facebook pro. If Facebook had knobs, I could dial some people down, and turn up the resolution on others. 🙂
Thanks, Carrie!
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I call them my magic machines and I let my husband, the Contrarian do all that stuff. When he tries to explain, I turn green, and he sighs…and starts over, “see the Internet is like a series of tubes……:” It’s magic…that’s all I know.
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I love magic! Magic makes sense! 🙂
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My new car comes standard with electric windows. I asked for them old fashioned wind up ones. The sales minion thinks I am daft 🙂
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I believe you, and isn’t that sad? Gah!
Thanks for commenting x
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Ha– this is very true. If a digital display goes out then you’re just SOL. But if a knob or a lever breaks off you can just shove something random into the space and use it to turn a part or wedge two things together. All that digital stuff is just wizard tricks.
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Just a pair of pliers, and you’ve got a working knob!
Thanks for reading, Aussa.
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I’m with you! We have a car in the carport that won’t open. We can’t afford to fix those friggin’ electric locks to the doors and windows anymore. So we are walking everywhere. Our oven and 3 of our burners have shorted out. So we one burner it. For all the simplifying these latest gadgets why are we grounded and cold? Who wears nipple socks? ;-/
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Oh wow! That’s terrible!
I don’t know anyone who wears nipple socks, although I have seen some genital socks…There’s a direct correlation between feet and nipples, though, surely!
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Sorry, I just read that paragraph literally and saw tiny little socks! 😀
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Yeah, my comma usage could have been better. Perhaps I’ll inadvertently start a nipple sock craze!
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LOL! I knew what you meant. I just found my inner crazy needed to speak up. 😉
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Boy, you called it. Ask the kids. They always know about these things. I think it’s their contact with ultrasounds. They get an in-utero zap of technology before they’re born, something we didn’t get when we were being made.
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That may be.
I watched a Youtube video. I fixed it, but I’d still rather have the dial!
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Haha I’m with ya! Although I “DO” love my technology and gadgets, there are some things that simply don’t need to be digitized. It’s absolutely ridiculous! Sorry about your thermostat, hope it gets straightened out soon. Try turning on the stove to keep warm in the meantime…
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I managed to get it warmer, but I think either we need the furnace serviced, or we need a new thermostat, as it’s off by quite a bit…furnace is only a year old…
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Wow. Awesome. I always hated the power windows, because I was so worried I would be trapped in the car if I accidentally drove into a lake. Nevermind that I live in the city, so this is unlikely. However, when the kids were small, I used to amuse them by messing with their windows while I was driving. In fact, I still do it, just to make them laugh or get annoyed, depending on the day. Otherwise, I’m with you: all for knobs. Stupid dishwasher electronic ‘buttons’ are always dying.
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Thank you for stopping by to read and comment.
Long ago, we had to drive by a retention pond to get to our house. I didn’t like it, for the same fearful reason you mentioned.
My younger kids have only experienced minivan life. They think power windows are exceptionally cool!
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Oh man, when I saw the title of this post I was totally picturing a different kind of knob… Still an enjoyable read though!
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i can’t possibly think of anything else besides ‘nipple socks’ right now. and i’m perfectly happy with that.
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Such a cute, true post! I have that circular thermostat and it still drives me batty. But what drives me absolutely bonkers is my smoke alarm. When the battery goes off on one, they others start beeping as well and i cant figure out whats what. Sigh.
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I married a cybernetics engineer. Every time I finally get the controls for the appliances figured out, he ‘upgrades’ them. I get revenge by yelling “Hey, Uwe! Come tell me how to work this thing!” often. Really often.
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Oh that would be a nightmare for me! You have my sympathies!
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This is all so true.I’m a pretty techie guy, but I just want my appliances to work. Ice-maker, fine. Beyond that, just keep the stuff cold. Thanks for stopping by No Facilities and leaving a comment sending me here.
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Yeah, I miss my ice maker. Just a box in the corner of the freezer will do. I don’t like grappling with big bags of ice and I hate when we run out! A new fridge is our next big purchase. The one that came with this house is one of those side-by-sides, with the narrow doors and the impossible freezer. We all hate it somethin fierce!
I don’t usually spam peoples’ comments with links, but I thought you’d agree! Thanks for taking the time!
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Remember when TVs came on right when you turned them on? I have a flat screen that takes ten seconds to come on after I turn it on. Once I accidentally turned it off after watching it for an hour. I turned it right back on and still had to wait 10 seconds. Why is that? I don’t get that. It’s TV. Some cars go from 0 to 60 in less time than it takes my TV to come on.
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Testify.
We paid a bloody fortune for this Blu-ray, and it still works, but at times, I wonder if the newer ones don’t take as long to think….
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I hate that they need to think. Cause if they were workers, they’d be fired for standing around doing nothing. GET TO WORK HERE PEOPLE!
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lol Yeah 🙂
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The last time I went shopping for a stove in 2000, the ordinary mechanical option was no longer offered. I mourned. Because I had heard the story of a friend who had bought a digital job maybe two or three years earlier. She lost complete use of the stove and oven because the electronic timer crashed. If you are like me, you could live til the end of days without an electronic timer. But when this particular timer crashed, it took the whole team down with it.
When I was married to the sewing machine technician, he had nothing good to say about the electronic models. Not a thing. Sure they could create incredible artistry, but only to foul up, guaranteed, within exactly 1 day after the warranty expired.
I’m not a ludite. But I enjoy whisking eggs, or shredding cheese by hand. It’s quieter and easy to clean up and takes less space and I can use my grandmom’s whisk and grater and so can my grand niece! (When I get a grand niece. Don’t give my niece any ideas. She’s too young. TOO YOUNG, ya hear me?)
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YES, I hear you, so loud and clear!
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Good. Sorry for the emotional outburst there at the end and all.
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Love the rant.
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Thank you 🙂
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