Drunken Story (2)


This is my friend, Jose Gold. I met him on my 21st birthday. I love him. We’ve had an on-again, off-again love affair for 19 years. He doesn’t really fit into my life, because he’s not good with kids, but like every other outstanding man I’ve been with, he will always garner my affections.

One of the guys in my dorm went to Mexico and returned with authentic Mexican tequila as a gift to me. I no longer remember that tequila’s name, but he was not my Jose.
Like any woman about to take her second lover, I was excited.

And then, disappointed.
Nothing happened.
My new tequila was broken.
Better do two more shots.

Oh the impatience of youth.
Two more.

jose3Yes, I could feel it then.
Two more, cause it was just starting to work.

Having fun then, so two more.
Gawd, my friends were so pretty and funny. I had the prettiest, funniest friends. It was really hot in my room, so I decided to strip down a bit, like any reasonable person would.

What a wonderful time college was. Half naked, three sheets to the wind, playing imaginary games with my pretty, funny friends. I loved those girls so much.

Lame ass Mexican tequila left me unfulfilled, (because I drank it all) so I had to break open my trusty bottle of Jose.


Then I had to pee, so I tried, very hard, to walk to the bathroom. The walls in the hallways of my dorm were a good four feet apart. For some reason, I could not walk to the bathroom without bouncing off of them. And I bet my room was only about 30 feet from the bathroom. Like a pinball doing the pee-pee dance, I bounced wall-to-wall to the bathroom.
My pretty and funny friends thought this was hysterical, but I didn’t, because I was trying to make it to the bathroom before peeing, and I hadda yell, “Stop it! You’re gonna make me pee!” but it came out less hateful than intended, and a little bit weepy.

While I was in the bathroom, my head started to spin, and I felt a bit numb. It seemed someone had put trick toilet paper on the spool, and I’ll be damned if I could get it off. I had to lean in and focus, blinking madly and nearly falling off the toilet, to pull off a crumpled wad of paper. College was so challenging.

I think the authentic Mexican tequila is a patient lover. I think it took its time in fucking me up.


Back in the room, I do not know what the hell we were doing exactly, but the photos indicate we had formed some kinda band. Playing Pixy Stix on pizza boxes is thirsty work, so I had to do two more shots.



“Oh God. Oh no. Oh God no.”
There comes a time when you take the last shot, and you know it’s the last shot, because you have officially crossed from drunk as fuck into sick as a dog.


My friend Cara was kind enough to take care of me. She was so kind, that while I cried to her about how I couldn’t make myself throw up, she stuck her finger down my throat, God love her heart. She brought me a cold washrag, dragged the trash can over to the bed, told me to keep my face RIGHT THERE *smash, pet, pet* and slept beside me so that I wouldn’t choke on my own vomit and die.
(Choking to death on your own vomit while passed out is a common fear for college kids.)

“You’re such a good friend, Cara. I love you.”

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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19 Responses to Drunken Story (2)

  1. I’m dying! I love the wall bouncing pee pee dance to the potty! Probably more than you did at the time!! Mexican tequila is a sneaky bitch! Did you eat the worm??? You could’ve actually just ate the worm and left the liquid in the bottle. It pretty much does the same thing…. though swallowing it sober is a whole other story…. Maybe it was better you stuck with the liquid part…hahaha! Glad you didn’t die choking on your own vomit……. and college kids were not the only ones worried about that mode of death…lol. Just saying.


  2. Sherry says:

    oh my…well I’m glad you lived to tell about it…lol.


  3. Lmao… A very-much-needed laugh today! Thank you, dear, from the bottom of my heart. Seriously. Maybe now I won’t rip the heads off of the bitches giving me the runaround at my doctor’s office. Thank you on their behalf, too. 😛


  4. LindaGHill says:

    I saw the bottle of tequila and immediately thought ….oooohh, tequila. I had a very similar experience, though it was in my own home, which found me kneeling before the throne laughing my ass off between hurls. The next day I wanted to die. Fun times! 🙂


  5. Miss Lou says:

    That’s a whole lotta Tequila!

    I drink one glass of wine/champagne and I am done..

    I rarely drink (side effect of an alcoholic mother) I’ve had 3 glasses over 2 hours and felt like I was stuck in a Gravtron ride (taxi) at a carnival while puking up all over myself and the seats,

    #NeverAgain lol


  6. Lol, sounds like my first time with tequila. I swore off it for almost 20 years!


  7. cardamone5 says:

    This is a funny story! Nicely told.

    Thanks for the follow. I’ll check back in to see what other funniness you’re up to.

    Best regards,


  8. Matt Roberts says:

    I had a birthday once where Jose was the man of the hour. I drank a lot. The next day I was sick as a dog. For many moons I wasn’t able to drink it again. But then one day when I was bartending, a customer bought us both a shot. I was scared, but it went down smooth, like it does, and tasted great. Oh no, that isn’t good. We’ve been friends since.


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