Well you know, I thought after I wrapped up NaNo, I’d be super-blogg-y and there would still be plenty of time to experience all the wonders of yuletide. Of course, I would spend a quiet evening at the table, writing out holiday cards while bobbing my head to twenty different versions of Carol of the Bells. As a family we’d go downtown to see the monument’s Christmas tree all lit up, get some Starbucks, drive up Meridian to enjoy all the twinkly lights. I’d make something simple for the girls’ teachers. I would make hot cocoa and bake chocolate gingerbread to get us all in the spirit. I’d shop online, sure, but also, The Mister and I would take a day to shop alone. Imagine us, hand in hand, a whole day to ourselves, walking around and exploring gift possibilities. We’d have lunch and maybe we’d even have time for broad daylight sexing. I’d go to the post office last week, mail all the parcels out…
Instead, Ferrealiously *:
“What do you mean you sold the roasting pan I borrow every year?”
One wicked bladder infection.
A week without caffeine or alcohol.
Duct tape, because we really should buy a new tree, but not during kittenhood.
Fevered Moo Motrined-up for a choir performance.
“I didn’t know there would be touching!”
“Maybe they shouldn’t share recorders!”
Free hand sanitizer for any child that touched Moo during the performance.
Four doctor’s appointments, blood draw, urine culture, nose swab, plus the phrase, “Women of a certain age…”
Two boxes of sthuper-sthpecial-sthoft tissthues.
“Put the Eucerin on your nose, or I’ll smack it!”
A fucking Pacers game during the lighting of the tree, traffic most unholy.
Drafty window casing.
A murdered Santa, or at the least, a pantsed one.
“bells are jollier,” said cletus
A Rosacea flare-up.
“You can’t put a hold on this book, I haven’t finished reading it!”
Two tension headaches.
“Look, my pee is the color of a sunset!”
When people tell you what size their kids are, believe them.
One kid with the flu.
One kid with a cold.
Five new prescriptions, but only one sent to a different pharmacy, seven miles farther.
A migraine.
A husband caught up in finals, group projects, and presentations.
Scheduling conflicts.
Canceled date night.
Ran out of postage in the S’s of the address book.
It’s sad that one whole side of my family is in the Y’s, isn’t it?
I gave the girls’ teachers not one, but two puking kids.
Don’t act like you’re not jealous.
Oh now, some good things happened anyway:
Everyone made the honor roll.
The Mister got promoted.
I bought some of those mint M&M candies I liked so much last year.
But most importantly, none of the other six million bad things that could have happened did, leaving us ample time to count those six million blessings.
It’s been truly hectic over here.
Which is why I am happy to announce…
>drum-roll please<
IT’S WINTER BREAK!
*cymbals crash*
While some would say it’s been togetherness time all along, I would argue that no one wishes she could spend more time holding back sister’s hair while she pukes, and no one wants to discuss gift ideas through instant messages as the kids hack and snot into their laps…
No, we want some of this. At least until our hips hurt and we can’t feel our feet…
*Ferrealiously is a word Moo invented when she spoke of her love for broccoli.
How has your holiday time been, Ferrealiously?
joeyfullystated 
Good grief, I’m tired just reading it all.
A hearty “good luck” to ya. Then I’m going over here to rub hand sanitizer all over my body because I’m mightily terrified of getting what your children have even via the internets.
Merry Christmas anyway. And I hope you’re feeling better. (the kids, too)
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Thanks, I feel swell. The girls are fine now, too 🙂
But I would not judge you if you washed your hands twice as much, Lysoled all the things, and used hand sanitizer as liberally as lip balm 😉
No one has mentioned how pretty puking into galvanized buckets can be this time of year…You’d think it would be in more decor mags…
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BLECH. Thanks for THAT image. Yeesh.
😉
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why do we always fabricate how the holidays will be when they always turn out like the above? Seems like we’d get tired of deluding ourselves. I guess we are all masochists at heart. Sounds like you are still moving on, and that’s all that can be expected at this point. The big push starts on Monday…lol
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I’m done with the work, now should be all the pleasure. Cooking, baking, smiling, sleeping…omg, the sleeping I will do! 😛
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I love Moo’s word! I am so happy that you can still count your blessings amidst all of the ickiness! I hope your kiddos are feeling better. Sharing recorders sounds like a terrible idea. Actually, I think recorders in general are a bad idea. I have just finished my Christmas shopping and have vowed to never do this again. Online shopping next year for sure.
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She has her own recorder, and carried dutifully to choir practice each week, but then at the performance, they used the classroom ones
We were fortunate in that we bought two recorders for four kids 🙂
Everyone is well today, thanks, Hollie!
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‘snot fun at all. (Sorry. Couldn’t help it.) Glad to hear you’re all on the mend.
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Ha, loved this! Thanks for the laughs. Isn’t it…interesting when life just doesn’t pan out the idyllic way we’d hoped? Your post made me feel better, because I could write a similar list of my vision versus reality. 🙂 That being said, there is always much to be thankful for you, as you point out so well…oh, and congrats to your honor roll recipients and recently-promoted Mister!
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“When people tell you what size their kids are, believe them.”
It’s me, not you. Please explain the line above?
I think ferrealiously deserves wide recognition. It’s a million dollar word and bears repetition. Even though spell-check is having conniptions.
Glad you got through to the other side of that bad bout. Congrats to one an all, especially Moooo! (Tell her I like broccoli, too. ‘Specially with cheese sauce. Ferrealiously.)
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A certain person, whose name I will not mention, has, several times, every single Christmas, questioned the size he was given when assigned the task of shopping. I know it seems unreal, but certain young men have 36″ inseams, while others the same height have 32″ inseams. Certain girls are still in the children’s 10/12 while others are a women’s medium. One should not call to verify this with other family members, one should just buy the size given or not buy at all. No one wants clothes in the wrong size, just because the unnamed doesn’t seeeeee someone that way.
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I seeeeee . 😉
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I’m going to type this comment and then go wash my hands, just in case. I’m also a little bit sad that despite all of that, you managed to catch a grammatical error on my recent post. I hope things calm down for the break, everyone gets healthy and can enjoy the holidays. Tell the Y-side that next year, you will work from the back of the book first.
Greta post, fun to read and I do wish you all the best.
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This is funny, in classic Jolene fashion. I’ve missed her (not that your other posts aren’t interesting, but when you’re sarcastic funny, I wet my pants…women of a certain age, you know.)
I am sorry your kids are sick and that you (I am assuming) have a bladder infection. I think those hurt more than childbirth. Of course, I had epidurals during both of my deliveries, but I was still uncomfortable as hell and that didn’t match the rolling around on the floor, make me queasy pain from a bladder infection. I wish you all speedy recoveries.
All I can say on the outstanding STUFF is that the world will not end if it doesn’t get done, and the new thing is to send New Year’s or St. Patrick’s Day cards instead of holiday ones. You could always use that if you need to.
You are doing a great job. You are a super mom and a wonderful wife. Hang in there.
Sunset pee sounds kind of pretty, but I know it doesn’t feel pretty.
Fondly,
Elizabeth
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Thank you Fondly Elizabeth! Your comments always bring me smiles! We are all well now 🙂 For now.
LOL
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You poor, poor thing. I feel really guilty right now for laughing at the expense of your misery. But i do appreciate a good giggle! I seriously hope you are feeling better and that you and your peeps have a healthy and happy holidays! xx
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Thank you! You should never feel bad at laughing at my expense, as I’ve intended to dangle on the edge of humor 🙂 If we can’t laugh at our miseries, they’ll win!
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True!! So true! And i enjoy reading about your unique experiences.
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Thanks so much 🙂
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Trying to figure out if hitting one deer, and coughing up 500 smackaroo’s for my part in getting it fixed is on par with your list, plus facing the wife after the deer committed suicide. MMM, guess my life is simple compared to the rather complicated existence you are accustomed to. Now when I see a pity pot, I will remember your plight and get better instantly.
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When you see a pity pot, always count your blessings that you don’t need one 🙂
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I must say I don’t envy you one bit. Been there – done that! Why is it holidays usually seem to come with sickness? Hope everyone is now well and the New Year rolls in with smiling faces and more of those honor rolls!
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Hah. Well I’m sorry you’ve experienced it for yourself! I’d never had such a December, and I wouldn’t like to have one again!
Yes, thank you, everyone is well 🙂
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Oh, Jolene, I can so relate to the crashing contrasts between our idea of how Christmas will play out and the reality. The funny thing is next year I will start out with the same set of expectations all over again. What’s wrong with me that I never seem to learn. Anyway, Happy New Year!
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Thanks for relating! Happy New Year to you too 🙂
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