Heat Pumps are Stupid

Posted on January 30, 2015 by joey

It’s my second bloggaversary, so I wanted to write a particularly eloquent post with a title whose complexity complimented the wit of its content. I think I’ve succeeded. See also, Why Time Change is Stupid and other groundbreaking discoveries, like, Dogs Don’t Need Porn.

When we were shopping for our house, we had plenty of specifications. Affordable, in our preferred school districts, three bedrooms, not too big, (basically not as big as our last house) safe for run amok kids, single-story living, fencing for the dog. I wanted adequate cabinet and counter space, gas range or hook-up, and good flow. The Mister wanted a newer roof and very few things he’d need to repair or replace. Then we had a bit of a wish list, like fireplace, hard floors, built before 1960, bigger lot, good closet space, garage. We were both hoping for brick and a basement. (Indiana is no stranger to tornadoes.) I was partial to houses with southern exposure, and basketball hoops. (Did I mention we live in Indiana?)
Then there were things we just could not accept, even if all of the above desires were met. Like a heat pump. Heat pumps are stupid.

cold

Because, like I said, we live in Indiana. Despite the apparent shock of our fellow Hoosiers, it does get cold and snow every single winter. When we lived in Georgia, a heat pump was just fine. We didn’t even run the furnace most of the winter. We most often ran only the downstairs heat in the morning, so our children didn’t shiver.

When The Mister was stationed in North Carolina, his house there had a heat pump. Coldest house ever. Everybody walkin around in fleece, never turnin off the coffee pot because hadda have hot beverages all the time. We slept in a shared blanket, huddled, shivering, entwined. Hadda have sex just to generate heat. Brick house may as well been made of twigs, so freakin cold. Stupid heat pump.

I-m-cold-You-re-hot-Let-s-cuddle

The last of my at-home living was done with a heat pump. Now, as you should well know by now, I hate being hot. In the winter, I closed the vent in my bedroom, and often slept with the window cracked. (At least until my dad screwed the window sash shut, because he didn’t care about fire safety, he only cared about burglaries, but whatever.)

Still, preferring to be cold doesn’t mean I want to freeze to death while I eat dinner. And that’s exactly what it was like when we lived there.

10nataliedee

I’m fairly certain vaulted ceilings are intended for warm climates. Vaulted ceilings in the north should all be outfitted with lofts and ladders, so members of the household can climb up to get warm.

Maybe I worked so much and slept around stayed with other people so much when when I lived at home because I didn’t want to freeze to death in the living space and then roast in my bed every night…
Yes, I’m sure that was it!

I complained to my parents, because that’s what parents are for, “It blows cold air! I don’t care if it’s on 72! When you’re in Florida, I sometimes put it on 78 and it’s still never warm!” (Of course, my room was a blazing inferno.)
For some reason my parents didn’t appreciate my complaints or my hijacking the thermostat. now you wish i’d just drunk up all your liquor instead, huh?

But one night, when my dad had already gone to bed, I watched my mother get up, throw her blanket on the couch, pick up a pillow and hurl it at the register. My mother is not prone to fits. My mother is calm. She has the patience of a nun. She’s a Virgo, okay?

put my mother on this couch with a blanket, and you've got the right picture

put my mother on this couch with a blanket, and you’ve got the right picture

I sat in awe (under my down comforter) and upon seeing my face, she hissed, “I am just sick of that cold air blowin in my face!” I could only smile.
“Uh huh. Told ya.”
“I mean, Jesus!”
“Mmhm. I know.”

I bet it’s that heat pump that drove them to sell their house and move to Florida full-time.

Stupid heat pump. And Florida. Florida is stupid, too. is hot, is far, took my parents…

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This post is part of Just Jot It January — Did you even jot yet?

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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33 Responses to Heat Pumps are Stupid

  1. meANXIETYme says:
    January 30, 2015 at 11:01 AM

    Happy 2nd bloggaversery!

    I totally agree. Heat pumps ARE stupid and never work. And despite the experts saying as much, they don’t save money, I’m sure of it. My first two places had heat pumps, but like you, I hate heat, so they rarely ran anyway. Sadly, they didn’t work much better for a/c, so THAT was a big deal.
    Current house, the big thing we wanted was gas heat & a/c, and dual zone (it’s a 2 story house) that could actually COOL (freeze) the house properly. I almost didn’t even care if it actually heated, to be honest.

    Florida? SUCKS. My grandparents were snow-birds, so they had a condo there. Being poor, guess where we always went for our “long” winter vacations? Hot, rain, hot, rain, hot. And sleeping on the floor of the condo porch, trying not to die from heat frustration. (and we didn’t even get to do Disney as kids because did I mention we were poor? Just sat around the condo and tried not to get eaten by the alligators in the waterway behind the house and/or get zapped by fire ants.)

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Sammy D. says:
    January 30, 2015 at 12:05 PM

    Congratulations you two-year-anniversary-definitely-not-a-mom-blog-but-so-much-more-blog-and-I-mostly-love-your-humor-plus-I-love-Moo-tales 😋

    I’m not familiar with heat pumps but they sound like winter’s equivalent of a summer swamp cooler. Just the very name gives me the willies.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. LindaGHill says:
    January 30, 2015 at 12:18 PM

    I had a heat pump (it came with the (brand new) house, as well as the furnace) when I lived in Quebec. We used it for central air and that was it. Worked for 10 years! Then we moved out. 😀
    Happy Blogaversary, fellow 2 year old! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dan Antion says:
    January 30, 2015 at 12:31 PM

    Congrats on the anniversary. I love reading your posts and heat pumps (in the north) are stupid. Especially where temps range from below zero (yesterday am) to above a hundred. I am freezing in my office right now because the building was designed with some hi-tech heating and cooling system back in the ’80s. It doesn’t work. Florida is also stupid. I’m glad you said that so my friends and family in Florida won’t be offended by me saying it. They have animals in Florida that should be extinct by now. That’s what heat and humidity gets you, lizards and bigass bugs that lizards eat for snacks.

    Liked by 3 people

    • joeyfullystated says:
      January 30, 2015 at 12:37 PM

      AHAHAHA! Omaword! LOL LOL LOL! I can see you’re on Team Joey here!
      I will say Florida is stupid all day long!

      I’m sensing you don’t like lizards?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Dan Antion says:
        January 30, 2015 at 6:57 PM

        Let’s just say I wouldn’t want them running around all over my sidewalk. I tried to get a picture of one the last time I was there but the other thing about FL caused me to miss it. My camera had been in my hotel air conditioned hotel room. When I took the lens cap off, the humidity condensed on the lens and by the time it cleared, the lizard was gone. If you have to have lizards, you should be able to take pictures of them.

        Liked by 2 people

  5. menomama3 says:
    January 30, 2015 at 12:40 PM

    I don’t even know what a heat pump is but I have some friends I could hook up to such a device – mouth to pump – and I guarantee you’d get hot air.

    Happy bloggaversery, to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Sherry says:
    January 30, 2015 at 2:23 PM

    I dunno about no heat pumps, just furnaces and boilers. I hate carpeted houses, I hate basements. I hate mowing lawns. I like fireplaces, and gas ranges. I like first floor laundries, and houses less than 10 years old. I like heat and plenty of it. I hate cold in all shapes and sizes. We are probably exactly where we both need to be, except I’d rather be in Hawaii on the beach, forever.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. hollie says:
    January 30, 2015 at 2:57 PM

    Happy blogiversary!!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Pingback: JusJoJan 30 – It’s a Blogaversary! | lindaghill

  9. Elle Knowles says:
    January 30, 2015 at 7:38 PM

    Well I’m in Florida and we’ve had some pretty cold weather this year. It gets cold at night and then doesn’t warm up enough during the day. Anyway, my husband – H – is cold natured. Me? Not so much. He turns the heat up at night and I wake up suffocating. Doesn’t do any good to tell him not to. I just wait till he’s asleep and sneak down the hall and yep! I turn it down! And don’t mess with my ceiling fan! ~Elle

    Liked by 1 person

  10. shanjeniah says:
    January 31, 2015 at 2:17 AM

    I spent a winter working in the Everglades, on Florida Bay, and loved the place – but not so much the 27! species of mosquitoes who vampirized me.

    OTOH, I was once late for work because a six foot alligator with a wide open mouth was at the edge of the bike path bridge, and I couldn’t get past (This would NOT be Dan’s idea of fun!). But there were manatees and osprey and exquisite sunsets….

    Speaking of sun, it’s 8 degrees F here. We’ve got a woodstove and a kerosene heater….and I’ve got a ten year old in a sundress, because she’s one of you hot-blooded types!

    Liked by 1 person

    • joeyfullystated says:
      January 31, 2015 at 11:17 AM

      Woodstoves are so appealing to me…It’s kinda warm & sunny here today, but I guess tomorrow will be nearer your 8 degrees.
      We had gators in Georgia, too. Not my fave, but I never got close to a big one!

      Thanks for chiming in 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  11. shanjeniah says:
    January 31, 2015 at 2:18 AM

    All that, and I forgot to say Happy Blogaversary! Editing brain!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Silver in the Barn says:
    January 31, 2015 at 8:49 AM

    Preaching to the choir, girl! As I sit here with socks, fleece-lined slippers, thick sweatshirt, flannel jammies, etc., all because our 1915 house is “heated” with heat pumps. Wretched things. Thank God for gas fireplaces or I would reenact your mother’s scene. Happy Blog-versary! So happy I’ve found you!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. queenaudit says:
    January 31, 2015 at 12:35 PM

    Born up North raised down South and back to living in Northern climbs. So I guess you know which I love. I need my 4 seasons and not just 2 that creep into each other. I am no fan of heat either. I lived in my mothers unheated basement before I bought my condo and I loved it. Blankets and a space heater is really needed. Condo rules Oct – Apr 58 degrees of heat or else. Living on the 3rd floor that is fine because heat rises and I hate heat (did I mention that). My mother uses her wood stove daily but on her floor (2nd floor bedroom) she never uses heat because the wood stove is right below it and that is plenty warm enough for her. Stay cozy gal.

    Like

  14. Luanne says:
    February 1, 2015 at 7:53 PM

    I need to write a blog post in response called Luanne is Stupid. What the heck is a Heat Pump? I know about water pumps and breast pumps, but what do heat and pumps haVe to do with each other???????

    Like

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