Oh I know, you think I want to die first so I can escape the pain of mourning my husband. That would certainly be a grand perk, but I told you before, I am not a romantic. I have practical reasons.
i do
Y’ever think about when you’re old and how you’ll live?
I don’t mean the kind of old you are now. I don’t mean a particular age. I mean if you live long enough to outlive your life.
My family members generally don’t outlive their lives. As the proud offspring of my mutt-y heritage, I should like to continue this trend in having the decency to die while I’m still in control of my mind. Unfortunately, I’ve given up smoking and I don’t drink a lot, so I may be forced to live an extra seven to ten years longer than is customary for my kin. Or maybe I’ll die tonight when The Boogey Man comes out of the closet. One can never be too sure.
I’m not being glib. Well, not more than usual. I’ve had a lot of therapy. Anxiety disorder is riddled with fears of death and a complete lack of trust in others, so I realize that you may find this post odd. I think you’ll be alright. “And if you’re not alright, you’ll be dead, and then you won’t care.” (Step 1 in overcoming fear of death, via my shrink)
I have a husband for whom longevity is hereditary, so my plan is to go first. As long as I die first, I’ll have nothing to worry about. STICK TO THE PLAN, MOTTERN!
Although, you should listen carefully, because I might be on the other side, screamin about how he accidentally killed me with medicine interactions or intolerance, or maybe I won’t care, because I’ll be dead, and full of love and joy. It’s hard to say.
I think my kids are great people, but who knows what they’ll be like when I’m too old to bop em on the back of the head and yell at em. Maybe they’ll become sycophantic vultures. We can’t know for sure.
ie: love them as they are
I’ve seen and heard things people’s loved ones do in times of crisis and intervention, and I don’t want any part of that. I’ll give you some honest to God quotes:
“If we put her in a nursing home now, do we inherit?”
“But I have power of attorney.”
“Only for this account.”
“Well who’s got power of attorney for this other account?”
“I am not at liberty to say.”
“Honey, if you want anything, take it now, because when I die they’re gonna fight over it and there will be nothin left for you.”
“It’s like she just won’t die.”
“My son is an asshole. He says he needs the money to pay my taxes. What do I know?”
“She’s just mad because we took away her pills and now we dispense them as directed.”
“How do I know what to do if I can’t see the will until he dies?”
If you’ve lived awhile, I bet you’ve been part of similar discussions. It’s depressing.
The greed and control are disheartening.
Of course, on the other end of the spectrum are the families who do everything they possibly can to enrich their aging parents’ lives, and still wonder if it’s enough.
Still, I think most families have that one imperious person, who simply cannot be trusted to act with integrity.
what do you mean they left me with debt?
I have a will and a living will and people know stuff about it, but maybe I won’t get to go first and my kids will be all over the country living their lives, and I’ll be unable to live my life well, and they’ll put me in a home, and I’ll be the weird old lady who collages her room with photos from Cat Fancy.
these are my babies now
Or maybe one of them will swoop in and take over. Maybe I’ll be held hostage and watched like a hawk. Maybe they’ll commit terrible crimes against me, like dressing me in polyester gowns, leaving my toenails unpainted, forcing me to drink weak coffee and watch reality television.
Good gravy, what if they deprive me of the interwebz?
Oh sure, they’re sweet now, telling me they’ll read to me and wash my hair and drive me around, but that’s because they don’t actually have to do any of that, much like the puppies they promise they’ll walk, feed, play with, and bathe.
I figure if my kids turn out awful, I could probably get one of my nephews to sneak me in some hooch…
Hey, that’s yet another obvious reason to spoil the shit out of grandchildren, isn’t it?
the skeleton key is the scariest movie about aging, fucking ever
One word: Advocate. Everyone should get an advocate. It should be free. At the first sign of trouble, like someone says, “You’re too old to be eating all this ice cream!” the advocate should appear as if from nowhere. The advocate should be able to bop your kids on their heads, yell at em, shame em, and send them to bed without cocktails. The advocate should be able to throat punch your greedy niece as she reaches for your sapphire brooch. The advocate should make sure your toenails are painted properly for each season, that you’re dressed in comfy breathable cotton, that your coffee is freshly ground Sumatra, as well as making sure that your laptop, wifi and dvr are all in working order.
Your advocate should say things like, “Sassy, get your mother another Valium,” and “Moo, rub your mother’s feet.”
Anyway, I needn’t worry about it, since I will be dying first.
Later.
Likely not today.
I’ll have The Mister check for The Boogey Man.
And I’ll make sure to give the children ice cream and let them stay up late.
joeyfullystated 
This is not only an important topic, it’s one that has reared its ugly head in my life lately (thanks to my dad’s illness). I’ve done things a lot different than he did, but there is no way to be sure of anything. I am really nice to my kids so that they will keep me in their home and wait on me hand and foot, but when the time comes? Hahaha.
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Yes. I am sorry for the obstacles you’re currently going through. I’ve no doubt that you’re doing a swell job at taking care of him, and things, and stuff. I hope your kids will try to show you the same love and respect should the need arise.
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Man, I hope so. Otherwise why was I so nice to them?!
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Often because it’s in your nature to do the right thing…but I know what you mean!
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I am living with lots of this now, as my parents are in their 70s, there are four of us kids, and 3 of the 4 are married. As we have struggled through similar issues with my grandparents and aunt, my parents are being very specific with their wills as to what happens when and where, and who will be responsible for things. It’s all been very …. clinical. But then again, my mother is incredibly pragmatic.
On the other hand, have hope should you actually survive the night…I take awesome care of my mother, as she did for her mother. I never thought I’d be able to, but I will fight like hell to make sure she’s taken care of properly, the way she did for her mother. So you never know, your kids might grow up to be able to take of you waaaaaaaaaay better than those puppies. LOL
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I love your pragmatic mother from afar. My mother took good care of my grandmother(s) as well, so I know what you mean. She’s my mother, how could I not? But people do. And neglect is a far cry from the worst of it.
I do hope it works out better than the puppies…
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Good advice.
Leslie
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My parents are in their seventies and I am begging them to please spend their money. I have actually told them ” I’m not sitting around waiting for you to go! Just save enough for me to make your house handicap accessible!” 🙂
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With that attitude, I’m sure they’re proud to have raised you, and want you to worry for nothing ❤
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Not sure if I am okay to laugh here… It actually made me laugh. But oh my, you are so right…
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I’m glad you laughed! 99% of the time, I’ve intended to be humorous. I guess if you laugh at the 1% it’s not really my business 😉
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I knew it was not meant to be humorous and my laugh was not in a funny way (like for a joke) more laughing about the sarcasm, you know. The vultures waiting there for there parents to finally go and leave them a sum of money… The way you told your story and the things you heard. And it reminded me on so many situations I’ve seen. But it also reminds me of some really mean things my mom sometimes throws at me (which are not true and really hurtful). I guess that is why I had to laugh 😉
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If we can’t laugh at our miseries, they win! I have one of those friends who laughs when she’s nervous, and it’s tremendously inappropriate, but honestly, it’s better than breaking down. Feel free to laugh here 🙂
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So true 😉
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That’s it – I’m finding and hiring that advocate right now!!
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Unfortunately, my father died when he was 60. My mother is almost 90 but still going strong. I’m not sure when old will be too old for my mom but 60 was clearly too young for my dad to leave us. I think you have the right idea. Double-up on those ice cream portions. The uncles I missed the most were the ones who slipped me quarters when I was a kid.
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60 is so young. 😦
90 and going strong sounds fantastic! 🙂
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Ice cream! Good idea! I plan on stocking up this weekend
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I am the child who cares for their aging parents from afar…but actively involved…when the time comes for them to move out of their own homes and into assisted living they will be near me, as even the in-laws who have a son and DIL less than a mile away know I am more informed about their health and final choices than the rest of the family…
As for my own kids…well one of them always says that when she moves out of our house we are moving in with her…so I guess she will be the one to care for me. And yes I did feed her ice cream, chocolate covered strawberries and pizza rolls today so fingers crossed I’m good there…
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Someone needs to be that person, and I’m glad you are she.
Extra ice cream for the one that’s gonna take you in. (And a cyber hug from me.)
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Like another commenter, this topic has been on my mind lately due to my step grandpa’s recent passing, and my grandma’s imminent passing. I am grateful for your humor as I have been sad all day, reading random articles about hospice, how it feels to die, etc. I worry my grandma is suffering needlessly because she still thinks she has to be strong. I worry my aunt and uncles who live close to her aren’t with her all the time, but what good are these worries? I cannot be with her and must trust in her and those around her to do what’s best. I too abhor greed, and have experienced more than I care to when someone passes. Death is a loss, not a gain. But wifi, dvr, and good tasting sources of caffeine (I drink tea) are all musts for the dying. Well said.
Love,
E
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I’m the one who’s probably dying last. Grumpy has a big head start on me. You could say I’m his advocate. I get him his pills, and his coffee, and make sure his cable is in working order and his toenails are polished. (I could do that when he’s asleep. Then maybe I’d go first). I’m glad he doesn’t have kids, because then I’d have to be mean to them when they try to get their grubby mitts on his stuff, and I’m glad he doesn’t have much stuff, so his more distant family probably won’t be interested. But here’s another reason for you to want to go first…. you know how men get when they have a cold? You’d think that things would change. You’d think that when they’re seriously ill they’d get all stoic and stuff. THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN.
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LMAO! Thank you for the heads-up!
I’m glad Grumpy has you 🙂
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Jordan promises me that I will have a wing in his mansion – (he is the aspiring Spielberg/Scorsese/Abrams….kid.). I have always made certain they have gotten the good ice cream, the name brand cereal and extra soft toilet paper. I must say, though, that I am totally digging the advocate idea. 😉
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That Jordan — he’s a good boy!
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Love your honesty on such a sensitive topic. Unfortunately, it got pretty ugly when my FIL passed away. And let’s just say that we don’t talk to my in-laws anymore. You just never know. And yes!!! Skeleton Key was so good!
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I am sorry to read of ugliness in a time of mourning, but perhaps some distance is best.
Skeleton Key was terrifying!
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I’m selfishly glad you’re not gonna die today.
You’re awesome and amusing. Not necessarily in that order.
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HAHA! Thank you so much 😀
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Not odd at all. We are Sisters In Anxiety, you and I. Lol~ The old Spoil The Grandkid Plan, yep, I’ve been milking that one for all it’s worth. Since the moment the grandkid was born, I’ve showed up at his house twice a week with a yummy treat in my hand. So, now, 2 years later, even when I show up with nothing he’s over the moon. heheh~ 😉
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Well played!
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Reminds me of the old joke: “Why do men die first? Because they want to.” Ba-dum-bum. Ending up in a paper shirt drooling on myself is not how I plan to check out if given any choice in the matter. I’m older than you, Jolene, so you probably haven’t experienced this, but I cannot tell you how many of my friends have parents that have lived well into their nineties, one is now 99. And if they weren’t full-time advocates for their parents, well, the mind reels at would happen.
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Thank you for chiming in. My oldest parent is 75, so I don’t have any close friends whose parents have hit 90 yet. I’m glad your friends have made good advocates for their parents, though.
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I try not to overthink it. It’s all a crapshoot. Assume nothing. Live as if its the best of times. Forgetaboutit until tomorrow and then again. Whatever. It’s all shit. That sums it up for me.
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Hands clamped over ears! “lalalalalalala!” I know I should think about this, do something about this, but “lalalalalala”, plunges head in snowbank.
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Well snowbanks are cold — come inside and I’ll make you some tea 😉
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Great Plath quote. Very well-placed in a post about dying first I must say, although I hope you don’t go via oven. I sincerely hope you don’t outlive your life, that sounds awful. I fear death now in terms of not being there to raise owen and there is so much I have yet to experience. But, when I get older I feel like I will fear being elderly and infirm far greater then I will fear death.
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I know you’re right!
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Oh we had this conversation only a couple of weeks ago. The GG and I both shook our heads and said “Heaven help us when we get old”. But then we are both dealing with aging parents ourselves and it is difficult and so we wonder about our own futures.
My mother has made a will. She tells me that I need to go through the house and photograph certain things so that she can include them in the book that is to accompany the will. I think I should because to be honest, when we lose my parents I worry about the family. Sad isn’t it?
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It’s very sad when one has to worry about it. Yet, it’s nice your mother is thinking ahead, and also that you can help her. I’m glad you and GG are there for your parents.
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