Before we left for vacation, I tried to touch on the angst of anxiety disorder before a trip. I wanted to go into detail about what that’s actually like for so many of us whose brains overshoot the adrenaline. This isn’t a typical post for me, but I got some feedback on that post that made me feel like I had an audience for this.
I can look back now and see that even in my young adult years, I had control issues when it came to my environment. Specifically, coming and going. I set out my clothes the night before school. I made lists. Instead of being picked up, I met most of my dates at the location, I was usually the designated driver when I went out with friends, and I particularly hated waiting for anyone and everyone to be ready to leave, which is why I liked driving — my car, ever ready for my escape.
One of the times that anxiety never fails to get me is when it’s time to leave the house. This is pretty much all the time. The exception is when I’m in THE ZONE. If I am working intensely on a project and I need something (twine, bleach, painter’s tape) I will drive to the store and get it, without pause. These moments are rare. I thank distraction.
I will always leave early because waiting to leave and being late are both hellish.
The getting ready to leave the house thing is killer for a lot of people with anxiety disorder. Yes, it’s normal to be anxious because you’re scheduled for root canal or you’re closing on a house or you’re being interviewed for a job. That’s normal anxious. Even if you had a panic attack or threw up before those things, your doctor would check you out and reassure you it’s stress-induced.
Imagine you feel like that before going to school or work every single day.
Or when you’re meeting your best friend for coffee.
Imagine you feel like that before you go to the grocery store.
Imagine it all the time, every time you leave your house.
It’s awful.
People with anxiety disorder often feel like that.
Then some of us have panic attacks in the shower, nearly throw up in the lawn, drive to the grocery store with tunnel vision, enter the grocery store replete with sensory bombardment, walk around with our hands clutched to our chests, or maybe just one hand on our throats, realize we’ve left the list on the kitchen counter, spill our coupons in the produce section, tremble and cry while we pick them up, hear everything, including ourselves, like we’re outside of our bodies, almost pass out when we pick up a box of oatmeal, pay in a blur of confusion and vertigo, leave the bag of butter at the check-out, drive home with tunnel vision, hands gripping the steering wheel, afraid of every other driver on the road, stumble into the house with the bags, put all the food away, and with every muscle wound tightly, collapse.
I’ve experienced many versions of that.
Then all those things that happened during the adrenaline-induced panic become panic triggers. You cannot avoid them unless you give up living a quotidian life.
You try to adapt.
So you start taking baths.
You go to a different grocery store.
You go when it’s less crowded.
You sign up for electronic coupons instead.
You make your kids pick out the oatmeal.
You compulsively buy butter every time you go to the store until you actually have to tell your friends to remind you that you do not need any more butter.
But it doesn’t stop.
Now you hate driving, because it makes you sick.
It spills over from mundane into your fun stuff.
You used to love concerts, adventure, travel, drinking and dancing into the night. People say you’re only growing older, but you know how you were and it wasn’t so exhausting before. It isn’t your age, it’s your brain, poisoning you with adrenaline.
Your friends say you’ve grown too introverted, and they stop asking you to join them because they know you’re gonna decline. They don’t understand until they’re around long enough to watch you go and go and go, with the same intensity you had at 20. “There she is! There’s my vivacious Joey!”
It’s visceral. While it’s happening, you look fine, you seem well to others. You just feel like you’re dying. I don’t mean that dramatically, I mean that you’re so fucked up that there’s an instinctual feeling in the depths of you which convinces you your time has come.
I don’t even feel well while writing it.
I can hear my own heartbeat in my ears.
My throat is swelling.
My skull is shrinking.
My shoulders ache.
At the end of pushing through, after the go and go and go — You were having such a wonderful time! Your friends and family see you: broken. Exhausted, a bout of migraines, a fever, an infection, a cold sore, swollen glands, a rash, maybe hives, a pinched nerve in your neck, jaw pain, digestion upset (can you say stomach acid?!?) visibly inflamed joints. You’ve clenched every muscle in your body for far too long. You didn’t get enough sleep. Your doctor says you need antibiotics and steroids. You don’t want antibiotics and steroids. Your doctor says to take it easy. You want to take it easy, but you don’t want to miss out on all the fun.
Fun things aren’t as much fun, and need to be taken with a dose of downtime, not just because you’re an introvert, but because your brain will literally make you sick. Mental health issues highlight all your physical issues.
You go to therapy. You take the benzos. You do the work. You start reading books about balance and zen and setting your own limits. You follow all the advice of anyone who’ll give it. You get rid of toxic people, which for you, are people who push you.
You don’t schedule an entire day out, you schedule the post office on one day, the grocery on another, appointments early, and on a day you can relax after. You pay careful attention to how you’re feeling. You maybe overfeel, at the risk of going too far at once.
You are fragile and yet, incredibly strong.
That’s a real thing.
I’m better now, not cured. I’m better because I know what it is and how to react. I’m so glad I had therapy. About half of my out-of-the house trips involve anxiety now, but they rarely involve panic. Most of the time I’m fine as soon as I leave the house. The wait is over, the now is now and I get on fine, out there. I’ve found a great deal of go and go and go can be done AROUND MY HOUSE, at my convenience, without a schedule. I love reading, writing, cooking, gardening, sewing, DIY, coloring, games, drinking and dancing, my shows, my laptop.
That is not to say panic can’t find me at home, because that happens, too.
When it’s time to go is a real bitch. When it’s time to stop is a real bitch. Variations on a theme do occur in this respect, and I’m interested in reading about what always gets to you and how you cope.
My favorite avoidance technique coping mechanism has been to marry another control freak who makes me feel safe, and who prefers to drive, and who will be happy to stop and pick up butter on his way home. The Mister, he says to me last night, “It’s not just sex. It’s everything. You have a great appetite for life all around.”
And you would too, if you always had a voice telling you you’re dying.
I find immense gratitude and happiness simply by living in my own version of normal. That’s how I win.
How do you win?
It’s perfectly acceptable to say you win by not having anxiety disorder.
joeyfullystated 
Oh Joey, I can relate to this so much, I always think of myself as having so many ‘phobias’ although I have been diagnosed with anxiety. I am scared of driving, i am terrified of parking the car. I get to work so early so I can park with less people watching me, I am always tired, I am scared of heights, claustrophobic, not very sociable, awkward and clumsy! I know how hard it is to leave the house, but I do, unless it just gets too much, That is my normal. 🙂
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I’m sad that that’s your normal, too, but I am so glad you summon the courage to go anyway.
Thanks for commenting 🙂
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🙂
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Hugs to you too warrior woman xx. I LOVE THIS: “You are fragile and yet, incredibly strong. That’s a real thing.” I know this movie, really well. Moments of high anxiety I get really nauseous. I chew mint gum. That helps quell the sensation that I need to throw up. My entire grade 11 year I threw up every morning before going to school. Not induced, just couldn’t control my nerves and my parents were not aware that maybe I needed professional help. One good thing about us is being able to help our children if they have anxiety. We know the signs and symptoms and have some tools and access to resources.
Thank you for being so honest. July 25th we’ll be leaving on a 2 day road trip to see my parents in Nova Scotia (Eastern Canada). I’m nervous about it. I’m very forgetful and disorganized and NEED to write lists. I will swear and I will sweat but I’m determined to get there safe and sound. Which reminds me of this song:
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Hugs xx
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Thank you xx
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Any time 🙂
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You’re amazing, Joey, the way you can cope with this serious stuff that ties together your body and mind. I’m in awe that you face it. I think a lot of folks just give the hell up.
I don’t have anxiety disorder, I do not believe, but I certainly have anxieties fueled by insecurities and circumstances. And so I must have the inner talk to convince myself I am talented and deserving, and that turn in fortune is around the corner as my loved ones and other interested observers tell me.
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Self-doubt is such a joy-robber. I think a lot of creatives have that inner dialogue between self-doubt and confidence.
Thanks for the compliment, and thank you for sharing your own vulnerabilities.
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I found this very interesting. I don’t have panic attacks but I don’t like being late and I routinely refuse to ride to the airport with someone while traveling because I know they like arriving at the last minute and scrambling. I will sometimes pair up with someone who has an earlier flight than I do, know that if they are on-time by any measure, I will be early.
Living your life in a way that makes you happy or at least less stressed, is a good thing,
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I can’t cope with scrambling at the last minute. I’m always amazed by how some people go through their lives always rushing and late. I can’t handle that stress. It’s nice to see that feeling paralleled in someone who isn’t suffering from anxiety disorder. Thanks 🙂
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My old boss wanted to save money parking by driving to the airport together. We had a 7:00 am flight and he said he would swing by my house (we are 2 mi from airport) around 6:00. I told him “I will be sitting comfortably at the gate at 6:00” and I drove myself. He actually seemed to enjoy the stress of almost always being late.
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UH, yeah, I’d be at the gate by 6, too. LOL I don’t know if they like the adrenaline rush, or they’re procrastinators, or if they’re all a bunch of raging Narcissists who think their time is more valuable, but they make me spinny, Dan!
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I don’t know what to say. I am unable to relate to any of the things you feel. The fact that you are able to function and write what you do, the way you do makes what you do write that much more special. You are a unique talent and I am glad you have your voice and are able to share it. Thanks for the sharing.
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Thanks, special is good 🙂
Thank you for reading, Benson!
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Well written and a lot of people can relate. My issues revolve around the word ‘control.’ LOL I’m like Dan, I don’t want to be late, don’t want to depend on someone else to get me there, and I make lists in Evernote when I’m traveling so I have all my addresses, days and hours open, etc. right with me. I find it frustrating to say the least to deal with the other humans who love to live on the edge and seem to have a watch that is set to a different time zone than mine. LOL 🙂 I should have a shirt that has that old saying – lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
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I love this comment!
The unpreparedness of people can be so annoying, and it should not! Like we should so not care how other people are doing their lives …but when their CRAP ekes into my life and my time, OMAWORD NO!
I should start notes on hours open, I really should, thank you.
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Youre still my voice of reason & sanity. Thanks for that. ❤
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Aw *gush gush* Thanks ❤
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I relate to this very well, especially the part where you mentioned hearing everything. This is part of the reason why my hearing aids mostly make things worse when wearing them to typical places. It’s so strange how most everyone else has a filter, doesn’t get bothered by all of that noise, yet it has the ability to make people like us feel too overwhelmed to even be out.
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White noise takes over during panic. People sound garbled, but air conditioning sounds like a gd jet.
I don’t know how it all works, but I do know a guy whose toddler got cochlear implants, and he said most people really do hear all of it, but most of us have learned to tune it all out. I bet he’s right, and I bet the tuning out varies person to person.
I know that being a highly sensitive person means I can hear the fluorescents hum and I can hear the tv power even when it’s muted, I hear water moving through the pipes in my house. The only other person I’m around that can hear like me is my MIL. Most people just think we’re crazy. I can’t imagine what your auditory experiences are like, but I get that it adds to the sense of bombardment.
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Reblogged this on Darswords and commented:
I know all this personally!
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Thank you for the re-blog 🙂
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I read this with a lot of interest. I live with a ton of anxiety; however, I rarely have actual panic attacks. I had them when I was taking Fluonase, for some reason. And hubby used to have them when he had undiagnosed and untreated Celiac. I wonder what moves anxiety like I have where it freefloats pretty bad at times into actual attacks.
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I remember you saying this on previous posts, one where I recommended the Flonase and one where you mention the Celiac connection!
I love my Flonase, and am really glad it doesn’t give me anxiety, because breathing in the summer is so nice! lol
I’m also glad I tested negative for celiac, because you know how I eat! lol
But gawd, it’d be wonderful to find some reason, somethin to give up and be rid of it!
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It would be great to find the cause–and there might be one! The other day hubby looked at me (we were at a restaurant) with a sad face and said, “You know this actually sucks. I used to love to eat.”
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Wow–this sounds so familiar.
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That is no good
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Anxiety levels ebb and flow. Most days are okay, but occasionally there are challenging days.
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So sorry to include you here, Farmgirl. I wish you better days 🙂
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Thanks, Joey. 🙂
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I can sympathize. I had panic attacks when I was younger and they can be paralyzingly in many ways. Afraid to go or do anything. It changes your life. I hope things get better for you one day.
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Thanks! I would loooove to outgrow them 😀
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Thank you for writing this, Joey. I have tried so many times to capture in words what it feels like to be anxious and have a panic attack. There’s lots of descriptions if you google anxiety/panic, but nothing quite captures it. You did.
My trigger is no sleep or the thought of no sleep or environments that might render no sleep. Most recently, I experienced two bouts of severe anxiety preceding the funerals of my grandma and step grandpa. Both involved travel and staying in a hotel. The first one was horrible because I only brought enough sleeping meds for each night. The second time, I had plenty of extra meds, and I used them, but the grief, and feeling of not being able to control my feelings really activated my anxiety. I don’t like feeling out of touch with my emotions. It scares me, but that’s what I felt during those funerals. It was like: I know I am sad, I feel sad, I cry, OK, but why are these feelings so deep that they disturb my inner balance and rob me of sleep? It suggests things are impacting me more than I am aware, and I don’t like the feeling of being out of control.
It’s hard because, like you, I don’t do things like I used to. I rarely stay out late or go to places with excessive people or noise. My husband wants to visit his family at the Jersey Shore in August, but there is one house with limited sleeping accommodations, and the fear I won’t sleep keeps me from committing to the trip. I just need to know I will have my own space, and without that assurance, I am afraid.
Fondly,
E
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Thank you for sharing your own experience, E. I have trouble with limited sleeping accommodations, too.
I’d expect anxiety to be overwhelming at funerals — your own grief is more than enough.
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This was an amazing post that helps explain my 41 year long friendship with a sweet soft spoken Patrice. I met her while moving into the dorm. I thought she was crying due to missing her parents before they even left. When I overheard her Dad saying, “For crying out loud, Par, get your shit together,” I just knew I had to get to know her, Joey. She was my quiet friend who brought my first taste of International Coffees (Vienna) into my life. She studied library science and knew German. She loved my first day boyfriend and when we married she was my Maid of Honor. She worked and struggled in a library for a year in Germany. She eventually lived with her elderly parents and took care of them, they died, she stayed in their home. Once she loved her German professor and when she heard his wife died, they are now pen pals. She really loved someone of another faith and culture but he used her until he met someone his parents matched him up with, Joey. Your life show inner strength to overcome yoir anxiety disorder. So happy you have kids and the Mister. 🙂 🙂
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Great description of anxiety and how we can learn to live in spite of it. It’s a club I wish I didn’t belong to but it is getting better.
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