Because I’m oft inclined to mock trends, I’ve long made fun of the phrase ‘reclaimed wood.’ Mostly, I’m just jealous I never see all this wood that people are somehow claiming. Is there a map to such treasure? Do you hafta know a guy? I dunno.
Shortly after we moved in here, I said to The Mister, “I should like you to build me some shelves over this window in the kitchen.” The Mister said, “Mhm,” which roughly translates to something like, “Pigs’ll be flyin on cold day in Hell when you’re pullin teeth, tryina get blood from that turnip, Missy!” Remind me, why do we buy him tools?
Since no one left unclaimed wood on my front porch, I was left shelfless and sad.
But then, one day, in the midst of one of my DIY projects, I found some wood. I reclaimed some old plywood from myself. It’s real plywood, maybe even birch if its color is true. It was split a bit, off center, pretty much perfect for my needs.
“Just cut it where it splits,” I said. I blathered on a bit about the lost integrity where the split is.
“Then you can adjust the length,” I said. “We’ll use the furring strips to support them,” I said.
“The what?”
“Furring strips.”
Poor man. I do believe The Mister resents my hardware store words. My hardware store words throw more words into the pot of what?-words he needs me to define. I walked to the hall closet, pulled out furring strips, “These.”
We have done a lot of home improvement projects together. We are an awesome team. Seriously. I’m not being sarcastic. However, it takes us awhile to cross the bridge of understanding. I am a visual person and I’m spendy with words to describe my visual. If I can show him or draw him a literal picture of something, he can build it, whatever it is.
Orrr, I can hold the furring strips to the sides of the cupboards and he says, “AHA! I see!”
He said we’d need screws of a specific kind, and I told him to look in the hardware drawer. He did not find suitable screws.
Because I am a woman, I was able to find suitable screws in the exact same drawer where I told him to look.
Because I am a woman, I can find things. I can find anyone’s lost anything. I debate whether this is because I can see with my special woman eyes, or because I can look with my hands in contrast to what I suspect is somethin along the lines of The Mister’s If-I-find-screws-she-will-expect-me-to-drill-them-in mentality.
My son has this same problem. He cannot find things that are blatantly obvious to all women.
My “Water the orange flowers on the porch” text turned into a 20-minute debacle and my sending him a photo of the mums.
(There were three pots out front, two potted geraniums on the steps and one pot of orange mums on the actual porch.)
Children are the same, but maybe not all males outgrow it?
Have you seen the apps and locators you attach to your things? The Mister doesn’t need that, he says, because he has me.
I feel sorry for men, that they cannot see what women see, but then I remember the evils of sexism run rampant in the world and I think, meh, wouldn’t it be worse if they also had the incredible gift of female sight?
Tragically, once I had the wood and the right screws, I did, in fact, expect The Mister to assemble the shelves.
When he seemed unwilling, I held his dinner hostage. I set the chicken on the counter and told him, “I’m holding your dinner hostage. We’re not eating until I have shelves.”
Behold, Hostage Chicken Charlie:
Then I made gravy. Gravy smells really, really good. Smell is an excellent motivator for my husband. This is a man who asked me not to buy any food-scented candles, because he can’t take the disappointment of discovering there’s no apple crisp or cake or whatever. So yeah, smell of roasted chicken, smell of gravy…
And so, he assembled my shelves and then we ate my delicious food and we lived happily ever after. Tit for tat, just like that.
Do you live with a procrastinator? Have you ever had to resort to such manipulation? Do you know where all the unclaimed wood is?
joeyfullystated 
My husband used to be very handy around the house but now he says he’s too old! Translation – too many history channels, too little time!
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Yeah, mine tries that “too old” route now and again. I always remind him my dad is 75 and still building furniture.
You could always try the hostage situation! Ooh, or maybe yank the cable out of the tv? Haha!
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I am one of those men who can’t find a thing. I can build things, I can create thing, but I can stare at something for 45 minutes and never see it. Strange difference between the sexes. Unclaimed wood…trees?
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I’m sorry for your blindness.
Trees are the ultimate unclaimed wood! 😀
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Wow, I never thought of holding food hostage until the work gets done. You’ve inspired me. The next time I make those bars all the guys in my house compete for, I might just hold them at bay until the chores are done. Excellent strategy!
As for “furring strips”—sounds like something that belongs in the 50 Shades books.
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You totally need to try the food hostage situation!
Google the furring strips — bit too many splinters for BDSM I’m afraid.
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I am guilty of all of this, except I have no talent with tools. My wife keeps them away from me now, since I tend to hurt myself.
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If my hands were strong enough, I’d do much more on my own, but even still, I’m sure saws and I cannot be friends.
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What a grand post. All of your points are spot on. Sad to say men do procrastinate,and women do manage to find anything and everything that a man says he can’t find. In my first marriage I bought an old farm house. I spent all of my free time revamping and restoring. She wasn’t much on help. I like how women almost always use food and/or sex to motivate a man. It works on most but not all. Oy vey you have so much in your post it’s hard to comment on all. You guys are so great together. If you ever divorce never put it in your blog. I am cynical enough already.
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I’m glad you liked it 🙂
I do most of the home stuff on my own, but now and again I can move forward until he does what I need him to do. (Heavy, saws, drills — the rest I can manage!)
Sex doesn’t seem to motivate him at all. Pride is probably #1 and chocolate is probably #2!
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Are you sure you didn’t write this about my family instead of yours?? I always believed that the uncanny ability to find things (like the carton of milk directly behind the carton of OJ) was a “mom” superpower but I can see where it belongs to all women in general. I don’t remember being able to do it before I had kids but maybe I just didn’t need it yet so it was still dormant. One thing though…please can you post a photo of a “furring strip” because quite frankly I’ve got nothing.
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It would be much quicker if you Googled furring strips. It’s not really important.
I do think it’s a woman thing. I was doing it before I had children. On the one hand, I’m glad you can relate. On the other hand, I’m sad you know this plight so well!
Thanks so much for reading, Nancy 🙂
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Why are you so damn funny? Is it woman eyes? I thought it was mom eyes. I’ll spy on my daughter when she comes to visit and see if she has them. She’s a woman and she’s not a mom, unless you count the mom of a cat.
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I had this magical power of sight before I had kids, so yeah, I think it’s a woman thing. Moms of cats really struggle, cause you know cats can’t even find stuff when you point it out to them! LOL ^_^
Thanks for thinkin I’m funny — I do try to spin everything with humor 😀
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YES, yes, and yes! You are so funny. Glad you FINALLY got your shelves! 🙂
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Me too! Got all my Pyrex on display, lookin all good and inviting me to bake! 🙂
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Sounds perfect! 🙂
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I don’t think food has ever been held hostage around here, but I’m not certain. The Mrs and I both procrastinate a bit. I have built things with reclaimed wood, and I have a stash of reclaimed wood in my shop. I can’t tell you where they keep it, that’s one of the rules.
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Gah, Dan, as I suspected — it’s a great big secret I’m not privy to. I’m glad you’ve never had to work for your supper 😉
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I would totally build you shelves for that chicken.
My husband got into a handyman mode once and decide he was going to start building things. He made a tall shelf thing for the bathroom. You know how the Christmas tree in Charlie Brown looked compared to the rest of the trees? That’s how his shelf looked compared to the rest of the shelves. I don’t think he used a level and I can’t tell you how many splinters I got brushing up against the unsanded thing before I told him to use it for our fire pit.
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Lawd. That’s sad.
It’s really frustrating to live with someone so handy, who can do things well and quickly, and yet, hafta wait for the motivation. But I don’t have splinters, so that’s nice 🙂
I will roast you a chicken anytime!
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Hihih. I am the procrastinator around here and food is excellent motivator. The reason why women find more things is because we search for unusual positions for things, like that blind woman in Marquez’ One Hundred Years of Solitude who was blind but nobody knew it because she found everything anybody might have lost. She was just alert to non-standard movements.
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What the hell are “furring strips”?
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You can Google, but it’s really not important.
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The last man who said, I’ll have to go look that up, was one that I suggested that he should not at misogyny to his already long list of shortcomings…He never got back with me on what he learned about misogyny….My husband has perfected the art of doing nothing so well, he barely ruffles a hair on his arm in reaching for the remote….lol…
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Unlike you and your husband, I don’t have the pleasure of working in harmony with mine. The way I get him to do something is to drag out all the tools and the ladder and when he asks what I’m doing I tell him I’m going to do it myself. Works every time. I must have some kind of wonky woman sense because I’m the one who misplaces everything and can’t find a thing. Give me some time though and I will find what men cannot.
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Interesting. Thanks for chimin in!
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Yes, yes, and yes. I also can find things others (men) cannot. It’s annoying and validating at the same time.
Fondly,
Elizabeth
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Awesome! Never thought of holding the food hostage. LOL I completely agree with men species not able to find things. Shaking my head. 🙂
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This was so much fun to read. “Special woman eyes” is the funniest thing I’ve read in a while. My brother-in-law and sister-in-law built a house using the worn smooth wooden beams of a decommissioned grain elevator. So, I think that’s like reclaimed wood?
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I’m glad you enjoyed it 🙂
Yes, that definitely counts as reclaimed wood! Nice!
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Welcome.
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I might be able to offer some insight here, as a bit of a procrastinator myself. I have every intention of doing stuff, especially man projects with power tools and so forth, but I was raised by a household of traditional “call the…(insert tradesman here)” women, after my dad went deadbeat at an early age. So, every time I do a lot of this stuff it is for the first time, and the closer I get to the time, the more insecure I get, despite copious research. I need to feel like the time is right, you know, and when my wife–who is wonderful and tolerant of my half-assed handiness, but just wants it done no matter how much it wobbles or doesn’t really fit–starts pushing me I get resentful, feeling like she’s imposing her schedule and terms on me. Even though I know it’s being unreasonable, even though I know her unhappiness assures my own mutual unhappiness, I still feel it. Fortunately, I do most of the cooking, so withholding food isn’t really an option. It’s another mode of withholding that breaks my stubborn will.
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Interesting and insightful. I don’t think my husband suffers similarly, but it is really great that you know how your own brain works. I assume you’ve shared these feelings with your wife?
(And it’s pretty awesome she has so much faith in your abilities, isn’t it?) Thanks for sharing this.
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You better take this post down, I don’t want to hear of PETA picketing your property over hold the fowl hostage!
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I’m so glad to know I’m not the only visual person who is married to someone who doesn’t get it. LOL We start talking about a project, and I’m lining up silverware and placemats so it all makes sense to me. He rolls his eyes and looks at me like I’m speaking Greek. Shelves sound practical and the chickens looks delicious. I have no idea where the reclaimed wood is stored but I’m thinking we need to gang up on Dan and make him tell us. 🙂
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I am glad not to be alone in my visual planning. I’m guessing the silverware and placemats are visual aids I should avoid 😉
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Now I really laughed about this post, Joey. 😀 Women’s eyes see things that men’s cannot. Definitely teenagers cannot see. Or is it that they don’t wanna see?
Some children are good at finding things, I had one of three. My daughter has a son who can really see and bring things to you! I an so excited about Skyler’s quality of finding things as mong rubble and piles of stuff. 🙂
I know what furring strips are. I also have used all kinds of means of motivation to get things done. 😉
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