Horrible Holiday Traditions

Posted on November 23, 2015 by joey

Moms be all, “Dinner is at one. Bring ten pounds of candied yams.”

In other Great News, “For Secret Santa this year, you need to buy an obligatory $10 gift for your cousin Blarg.” Meaningless gift exchanges are the worst, am I right?
One for each child’s classroom, one for each child’s team, troop, and club. You’ll draw the name of the co-worker you despise the most, the church lady you don’t really know, and inevitably, someone will knit you a toilet paper cozy.
Plus, this year, everyone is chipping in to buy Aunt Bitchy a brand-new chair!

People are arguing over whose family gets Thanksgiving or Christmas, or Christmas Eve vs. Christmas Day. If your mother gets Christmas Day, but you don’t have the kids, you may as well stay your ass home. If she gets Christmas Eve with you and the kids, she’s going to be bitter about the whore who got Christmas Day. Holidays are an excellent time to reflect on how your spawn are the only reason your parents even tolerate you.

People are stressed-out and over-scheduled. They worry about when their year-end bonus is coming, and how they’ll manage getting extra work done while taking time off to see all their kids’ music programs and plays.

Take your mother a fresh turkey, which costs twice as much, so she can put it in the freezer. Will it be turkey twice, or turkey and ham twice, or turkey and goose?
Someone’s made deer chili, so be prepared to hear an hour of arguments about hunting.
“What do you mean you shot this turkey? OH MY GOD YOU SHOT A TURKEY?!?”
There’s always one idiot who feels weird about eating animals that weren’t purchased in a grocery store.
Wait for that one clean and ethical eater to proclaim you’re all murderers. Who’s going to lie and tell Cousin Blarg that the candied yams are vegan?
“Butter? Nooo, Blarg, no butter!”
Will you secretly French-fry the onions in duck lard and smile at Blarg while he eats your green bean casserole? Will you tell him after?

Let’s all make it our business to shame people out of seconds and announce loudly that you’ve made a special sugar-free pie for the diabetics and anyone else who needs to mind his sugar intake, while you stare directly at the largest person in the room.
Remember that time your cousin with five kids told your barren cousin that eating  unpasteurized brie is prolly what’s causing her infertility?
Take pictures of people while they eat, and then tag them on social media later.

Be sure to bring up shit people fought about twenty years ago.
Guilt trip your kids who have to work and can’t stay as long.
Pretend not to notice you’re the only grandchild whose picture isn’t hung on the wall.
Enjoy how spiteful everyone looks when they tell you, “You sound just like your mother.”
Bore people with stories about your work.
Shallowly use the “What are we all grateful for?” time to brag about your lavish lifestyle.

Deck the halls, build a gingerbread house and a snowman, volunteer at the mission, bake 144 cookies, go ice skating, make sure your scrip bottles are full, and get new tires so you can drive over the river and through the woods in inclement weather!
Or maybe you can spend three times more than usual on airfare! Woot!

Take one daughter aside to tell her you know it looks like her sister got more, but that’s only because she’s easier to shop for.
Cry a lot and make everyone uncomfortable.
Try to enjoy the ugly Christmas sweater that your mom did not buy ironically.
Draw straws to find out who hasta provide transportation for the grumpiest man that ever did live.

Yup, the people are packin up playpens and boardin their dogs. With overtired children and fussy babies, they will arrive to spend the holidays with family. This includes all the excitement of banal conversation with that one racist uncle and his new cunt wife, sleepin with some scratchy blanket in a room that smells of mold and Mentholatum, sharin a bathroom with twenty people, weak coffee and no liquor, too hot inside, too cold outside, fakin niceties to little brats whose parents should be beaten liberally and often…Because, Family.

Ah, the heartwarming stories of Family…

Why people continue to subject themselves to the torment of holiday traditions, I will never understand.

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
This entry was posted in Random Musings and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

49 Responses to Horrible Holiday Traditions

  1. Carrie Rubin says:
    November 23, 2015 at 5:20 PM

    Luckily, our holiday family gatherings are never a trial to get through. I hear about people’s experiences and I shudder. Maybe it’s because my family always gets a hotel room when we go visit people. That must be the key to sanity. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:
      November 23, 2015 at 5:40 PM

      Nice! Yeah, I’m sure that helps! We usually stay home for Thanksgiving, and when we don’t, we tend to choose friends more than family. Christmas is always at home, and then we all get together at MIL’s after — it’s not a trial, either, but I hear and read sooo much of this stuff! :/

      Liked by 1 person

  2. coldhandboyack says:
    November 23, 2015 at 6:05 PM

    You should write Chevy Chase scripts. I think I’m heading for this story on Wednesday. My wife promised we could stay home if it snows. I’m most thankful for heavy early snowstorms.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Nancy says:
    November 23, 2015 at 6:34 PM

    Lol! This is every bad Holiday TV movie all rolled into one! I seriously have to meet cousin Blarg.😄

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Dan Antion says:
    November 23, 2015 at 6:42 PM

    I’ve only been part of a few holidays that fall into one (or more) of these categories, but I’ve heard stories. You captured the spirit very well, I’m still laughing. Maybe when we try to figure out what we’re thankful for, I’ll read this out loud.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Luanne says:
    November 23, 2015 at 6:45 PM

    We usually spend holidays with our kids and everyone has a good time. Once you branch out too far in my family, you never know how bad it can get. And NO I do NOT like meaningless gift exchanges. ugh

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Petal and Mortar says:
    November 23, 2015 at 6:57 PM

    I love it. So grateful for my family of friends, and the sane family members close

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Veronica says:
    November 23, 2015 at 6:57 PM

    Luckily Thanksgiving is at home and no big travel plans ahead. Phew. We did put up our tree over weekend and I almost lost it with the wiring of the lights. 😳

    Liked by 1 person

  9. jan says:
    November 23, 2015 at 6:57 PM

    Sounds like a typical Christmas! Mine is “spend all day making a turkey dinner for your daughter’s family and then find out the people she’s invited are vegans.”

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Petal and Mortar says:
    November 23, 2015 at 6:58 PM

    ….to us. Which is one person, but still, he’s the only one who gets invited to stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Benson says:
    November 23, 2015 at 7:51 PM

    Ho Ho Ho. What a wonderful Holiday post. I personally have no traditions anymore. Except one. Having coffee with Caroline’s on Thanksgiving and Christmas morning. I go to my eldest son’s house on Christmas Eve usually. I have had several Holidays alone with no harmful side effects so I’m not really hung up on tradition. I can understand how folks can go ballistic at times like you describe. Of course should you ever really snap make sure you get jurors that have large families. That should virtually guarantee an acquittal.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Anxious Mom says:
    November 23, 2015 at 8:36 PM

    Don’t forget the common law step grandma who hates children stands over the toddler barking at him like a Nazi to finish their adult sized meal before getting dessert. Bitches need stitches.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Pingback: That One Couple | Strong Enough To Break

  14. Norm 2.0 says:
    November 24, 2015 at 8:41 AM

    LMAO 😀
    We have a few ‘special’ cases in our family but nothing near as bad as this! Gawd, it’s enough to make you covet a hermit’s lifestyle.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. garym6059 says:
    November 24, 2015 at 3:09 PM

    Are you selling tickets to this event? This sounds better than and episode of Springer!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. rachelwhims says:
    November 24, 2015 at 3:24 PM

    “the whore that got Christmas day” OMG! That is the best line ever! Great grinchy post, Joey!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Mae McDonnell says:
    November 24, 2015 at 5:41 PM

    Orphan’s Thanksgiving for the win!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Sherry says:
    November 24, 2015 at 5:48 PM

    we moved away from all of ’em….problem solved.!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Fourth Generation Farmgirl says:
    November 24, 2015 at 6:19 PM

    Joey—You. Are. Hilarious! And, spot on! I laughed and laughed. Thank you! BTW: Have you seen the film, Home for the Holidays? It’s a Jodie Foster film about spending Thanksgiving with family. 😊 🦃

    Liked by 1 person

  20. fillyourownglass says:
    November 24, 2015 at 7:10 PM

    I need a quadruple love button to push on this one! Thank you for ripping the mask off and tearing down the b.s. holiday commercial cozy facade! This is exactly why we are ditching it all and heading for the hills (or more precisely the mountains). Did I mention how much I love this post?

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Judy @ NewEnglandGardenAndThread says:
    November 25, 2015 at 1:42 PM

    Okay, this is too funny. Hope I can stop laughing so I can type. Chevy Chase could have had one of these roles. Glad yours is quiet and loving but you can also enjoy venting against the ads of all those perfect families when we know that in this day of blended families your version is much more accurate. Loved it. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  22. reocochran says:
    November 26, 2015 at 1:08 AM

    Most families have “skeletons in their closets, ” weird or obnoxious behaviors.
    I am sure surprised because your family always sounds so intelligent, funny, and friendly. To mention such disasters seems like this is coming from someone other than my Joey. 🙂 If you have anything strange about your family, it may be that you are all so original and fresh. I love your quotes from different children, each a gem or gold nugget. Hope you have a fun Thanksgiving, Joey!

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Britt Skrabanek says:
    November 26, 2015 at 2:12 PM

    Hence, the reason we moved to Portland. We have no family here, so our holidays are blissfully spent in our jammies doing whatever the hell we want. We call our families, of course, but there is no drama involved. Win all around.

    Happy Thanksgiving? 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Aquileana says:
    December 1, 2015 at 2:53 AM

    I couldn’t agree more with you… All those little quarrels with regard to traditional celebrations… I know it is an important day… but correct me if wrong… isn´t just all a little bit a much ado about nothing issue… at the end, whatever the surrounding circumstances are it is all about something which lasts a few hours… I am sure that one way or the other the organization might make us restless with regard to the upcoming celebration. In other words and shortly we could forget the woods by staring at the tree. Great post… sending all my best wishes. Aquileana ☀️

    Liked by 2 people

    • joey says:
      December 1, 2015 at 7:40 AM

      Yes, thanks. I had a lovely Thanksgiving and expect to have a lovely Christmas as well 🙂 Hope much the same for you. Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to read and like so many posts. 🙂

      Like

Comments are closed.