I’ve told many a story about the antics of Moo, so those of you who’ve been reading me a long time are aware that the care and keeping of Moo has always been challenging for us.
Moo was a colicky baby.
The Mister and I both had colic, but no one mentioned this to us until Moo had it.
I feel like these things should be documented before people breed. Like, we knew we’d be putting braces on all the people’s teeth, because we remember having the braces, but we don’t remember having the colic.
If you don’t know what colic is like, well, then, I’m happy for you, and you should be happy, too.
Colic is miserable.
Words that I could use to explain colic would not convey what the colic is actually like.
Sissy used to have “Sick Baby” which was a doll that cried and cried and its face lit up red and got warm. Man, I hated Sick Baby. I’d take the batteries out of Sick Baby sometimes, because I just couldn’t take it.
You cannot take the batteries out of your colicky baby.
You might, in a moment of despair, consider whether it’s appropriate to lock your screaming infant in the detached garage and turn the baby monitor to 1 so you can just think for a goddamn minute, but if you actually think for a minute, while your baby screams in your face, you realize it is not appropriate to lock your screaming infant in the detached garage.
My Moo had colic every night from about 9pm to about 3am. That doesn’t mean she wasn’t a fussy infant the other 18 hours of the day, but rather, absolutely nothing pleased her for any substantial amount of time from 9-3.
I was delighted to feed her at 1am and 3am because while she ate, she shut the fuck up.
I know, you’re like, “Don’t say shut the fuck up about a baby!” but you don’t know.
She never took a pacifier, and it sure wasn’t because we didn’t try to plug her up.
One lady in the supermarket told me Moo would be a great singer, she was just testing her lungs.
During Moo’s infancy, The Mister could not comfort her. Being somewhat of a baby whisperer like his mother, this was completely offensive to him. (One day I’ll tell you about that.)
Moo never took a bottle, either.
And I know, I know, you think that’s because we didn’t let her get hungry enough and caved. I used to think that about other people. We actually left Moo with my MIL for over 24 hours and still she never took a bottle. MIL was also astounded and had gotten no sleep. FIL didn’t want MIL to keep Moo again until she could eat food, so I don’t think FIL slept, either.
MIL thought something was really wrong with Moo, but the doctors said it was colic and it would pass. (Like her crazy hair?)
There are plenty of theories about colic. I saw a sign about it recently and I guess now they call it ‘Purple Crying?!?’
Some suggested reasons for colic are digestion issues, lack of melatonin, hormones, and even that it’s a normal developmental milestone. To be honest, no one fucking cares what causes it, we only care how to make it stop.
Infants like to be held. Moo was held, or worn 90% of her day. There are only so many things that babies can do when they’re not being held. They can lie down, roll over, and lift their heads. Imagine the excitement. Many infants enjoy swings, but Moo did not. Moo liked to be held, and preferably while the person holding her moved. It’s only in the past two years that we’ve stopped picking her up, and she’s quite sad about it.
Many, many nights, I would walk around the house with the swaddled Moo and we would cry together. She, for the mystery of colic and I for the hopeless exhaustion of the mystery of colic.
One night, Bubba passed us in the hall.
“Why are you crying?”
“Because she’s crying?”
“Why is she crying?”
“I dunno.”
:cry:cry:cry:
(By the by, if you’ve ever said, “Maybe the baby is hungry,” to the parent of a crying baby, please, don’t do that again. Think about that. Imagine your reaction if every time your cat meowed some asshole told you it might need to be fed.)
Movement helps colic, as do loud noises. Moo liked vacuum time, driving time, and laundry time (It’s okay to put the carseat on the top of the dryer when you’re right there, you know!) She liked dancing and rocking, too.
Movies and television shows are always demonstrating baby preferences by showing the baby crying as an immediate reaction to being put down, or being handed over, or being offered peas. You may think this is simply a funny thing actor babies are scripted to do, but I assure you, it’s real.
When Sassy was a baby, she’d sit in her swing and watch Nick Jr. until the octopus came on. Then she’d scream her freakin head off. That octopus (with the wiener dog?) meant swing time was over!
This is how we found out Moo liked Beethoven. Specifically Symphony #5. We had to skip Moonlight Sonata and then she would peacefully accept Fur Elise and the rest of the cd. It is important to note that I tried other music. Frequently. Without success.
This is a photo of my sanity:
That’s Moo, chillaxing quietly to Beethoven at near full volume. That’s it. That was the break in my day.
For about three months.
Without Beethoven, I carried that baby errrywhere, and she still cried too damn much. I’d like to take a moment to thank God that she has been a small, light, slow-growing child. I could not have carried or worn baby Sassy for near as long.
Seems to me Beethoven is quite possibly Moo’s first love, and I owe him a debt of gratitude.
Did you endure colic? Do you have a music that makes you shut up and chillax? Do you have any babyhood traumas you’d like to vent about?
joeyfullystated 
My son was colicky for about six months – mostly from 5 to 9 at night. It was miserable so I share your pain! Turned out to be a sweet kid though!
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I am so sorry for your suffering, Jan. Glad it passed 😀
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Hahaha, I thought I was the only one who put the car seat on the dryer.
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No way! Desperation speaks to us all!
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Tonight is the first evening in over a month that I can leisurely do… whatever I want to. “Read some blogs of people I follow,” I thought. And this post is the very first one. What a great start to my night.Thanks, Joey!
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Aw, thanks, Jadi! I’m flattered! I hope you get some more downtime soon!
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While I don’t have any kids and have never experienced the “colicky baby,” I am definitely a part of the “feed your baby whenever it cries” generation. I have many a friends lugging around fat, chunky babies because they shove a bottle into their mouths every time they open them. Pray that I don’t become that mom!
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Hah! Well not all the babies are chunky cause they’re overfed. I didn’t have any, but I’ve known a few.
I hope you don’t become that mom!
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Wonderful post. Clever,descriptive and funny. My first born;Adam was a sweetheart of a baby. Quiet and oh so happy. His brother; Jason; on the other hand was a raging brat of a baby. Some folks said it was colic some said he was merely a demon seed. In either event he cried an awful lot. Nothing near the chaos Moo visited upon you. Also;unlike Moo Jason was always down for a bottle.
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Thanks!
People often report similar stories about first and second babies. This may account for all the onlies 🙂
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I don’t think I ever had colic. If so, I don’t remember. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with it.
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Nah, it’d be hard to remember stuff from the first few months of your life. Thank you.
I enjoy how Moo sleeps long and hard now 🙂
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The question I’m dying to ask is: “was it OK to tell the idiot woman in the supermarket to StFU?” Cause, I think I might. Our daughter was on the way to sleeping through the night in record time when she developed a UTI. she lost weight and the Dr told my wife to “wake every two hours and feed her.” My wife had to do that as I was not properly equipped. We got thorough that, the kid gained weigh, infection cleared, all was well excet she continued getting up every two hours for food. I love the stories you tell about your kids.
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LOL I didn’t think to scold her, she was kindly, I thought.
I’m sorry the every two hour feedings came to your house, but that’s how mine were for quite some time. Sleep is so nice now. It comes daily, lol!
Thanks, Dan!
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M had colic, the only thing that worked for him was sleeping in the car seat and some white noise cassette tape I had of thunderstorms over an ocean soundtrack. Oh, and football carry. I am sure on his worst days it looked like I was running with him to cross into the endzone for a touchdown.
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I can imagine, hehe! I’m sorry you know the colic so well.
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I had a friend with a colic baby years ago and she looked she had been on a three day crack bender every time I saw her so I can understand what a headache it is for any parent. I’m also in the crowd that believes using the word fuck no matter what you are talking about is completely proper. Shows emotion!
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Yeah, I didn’t look good, fersure. I am glad you understand my emotions! 😀
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Sounds like torture. I believe I had colic as a baby–probably why I’m an only child. Glad you both made it through the growing pains. 😉
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Haha! Me too, thanks!
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One of my grandsons had the colic. It broke my heart that he wouldn’t be comforted when I held him, even if I walked. It helped (me) that he wouldn’t be comforted by his father, either. He only wanted his mother and one (1) of his aunts. Why only one, I don’t know. ANYWAY, my mother then told me that I had the colic. She said, “I can remember walking the floor with you. You’d cry. And I’d cry….” Glad Moo discovered the power of Beethoven, and that you now get some peace. I followed you here from Dan Antion’s blog. Not, you know, in any kind of STALKY way at all.
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Haha! I’m here to be stalked, and I’m glad you came by!
Sounds like you know how it goes. Oh it’s just awful, isn’t it?
Thank you for commenting 🙂
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Yikes! You deserve a sainthood!! Question, is Moo the youngest? Just wondering if you had the courage to add a child after all of that. Thankfully, both my babies were colic free. My niece went through it though. She and my sister slept in a recliner with a vibrating back quite often because it soothed her crying.
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MMHM! We decided Moo was the last baby before she was even born! 🙂
Colic is wretched. I wish I’d had a vibrating recliner!!
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My oldest daughter cried from 3 pm or 4 pm until midnight. I know this was not as many hours as you endured and feel downright “lucky!”
I chose to have my Mom come and stay when I had maternity leave. Big mistake, she was the ONE who had not breast fed, therefore every 15 to 20 minutes during the 7 days she stayed and put up with Carrie crying she would ask, “Isn’t the baby hungry?”
Another bad thing about crying constantly, she would barf up after she was fed. The doctor later told me she was gaining just fine and don’t worry, babies ingest more than they puke.
My ex-husband picked me up in his arms and carried me out of our apartment where we went to see a 2 hour movie. I fell asleep. But, hey! I got out of 2 hours of nonstop crying. It was a sweet gesture for my sanity and his.
One doctor told me colicky babies are due to mother’s nervousness while another told me it is “innate” or happens in vitro. Who really knows? Well, somebody probably does.
Guess what, Joey? Carrie got car sick and didn’t like the swing or rocking chair. She needed to be swaddled tightly, turn on the mobile with its lullaby and a small night light. We had to tiptoe out of the bedroom. Sometimes this gave us 20 minutes of quiet before wailing began. Carrie was sweet but likes layers of blankets over the top of her, still to this day. 🙂
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Ugh, I’m glad I’m not alone in thinking the nursing mothers are asked that feeding question more often. So annoying! And people who aren’t nursing don’t understand how the whole cry-let-down thing works and heaven forbid a baby cry a different cry.
That’s precious, about your ex carrying you out of the theatre. I swear, my life was a blur for so long. Just a long blur of exhaustion, you know how it goes.Mid-afternoon to midnight is LONGER than what I suffered with Moo. Sometimes I think the dinner hour would have been worse, with older kids needing help and dinner!
All my girls are blanket girls.
If colic was caused by nervousness in mothers, Sassy would have been the one with it — I was soooo paranoid and compulsive with her! lol I vote melatonin or digestion for Moo, but who knows!
Thanks for sharing your story. ❤
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My daughter was a pain in the ass until she was 5. She woke up from her naps crying. She cried at the drop of a hat or at the drop of a pin, I’m pretty sure. Cry cry cry. I had to get her a WATERBED crib and carry her in a backpack everywhere until she was at least 15 (it felt like). We started to think she had low blood sugar and bought a monitor to check her sugar. When she was about 20 we decided it was probably some kind of stomach issue because she still has stomach issues that nobody can figure out. Was that colic? Nobody ever said colic to me.
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OMG Luanne! How is her life now?!? If they offer me a crying baby award, I will pass it to you!
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Thank you, I deserve it. When she turned 5 she turned into this model, high achieving perfectionistic kid which lasted quite awhile. That was enough time for brother to be the asshole for a LONG time. Now he is Mr. Perfect and she is back to trying to figure out life. But at least she doesn’t cry any more. And she’s a very sweet person who needs a tummy diagnosis.
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Dreadful. I’m so sorry. I’ll wish her a godsend gastro and would you like a glass of wine, or perhaps a slice of spice cake?
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Both, please.
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Yes Ma’am!
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Bless her. And bless you and the Mister. That sounds just awful.
No colic thankfully. LM required special (read “expensive”) bottles to avoid gas or whatever that would give him stomachaches and make him cry, but not BG. But as you know, BG is a very high strung baby otherwise. And mean.
Oh and at first glance your Moo baby picture looked like BG. 😀
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Were they by chance Avent bottles?
And thanks 🙂
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No, Dr. Brown, which had 5 million pieces.
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Oh boy.
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Whew! And the irony is Beethoven was deaf !!!
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Probably went deaf listening to a colicky baby.
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LOL
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No colic in my one infant experience. But the pains of being unable to breastfeed and trying to coax a reluctant baby who managed to still have jaws of steel but no suck reflex–that I have several stories about!
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OUCH!
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My twins had colic for several months after they were born…at the same time. It was so rough, esp. if my husband was not home (but he usually was.) Trying to comfort two babies at once to no effect is what drove me over the edge…many times.
Fondly,
Elizabeth
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You know what’s worse than colic? Twins with colic. Damn, I’m sorry E ❤
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Wow. That sounds crazy. All of it. You had all the crazy baby crying stuff. And after reading this I will never suggest a parent feed a crying baby even though as a forty something childless man I consider myself a bit of an expert on children.
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Good, John, thanks 🙂
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I know it wasn’t funny so excuse me but I had to laugh at your rendition. So, my granddaughter was one who didn’t want to go to sleep unless she had a human bed to hold her or could ride in the car. I spent hours in a dark, silent room, never moving, holding her upright on my chest, patting her back, while she slept. I also spent many an hour driving the back roads until she went to sleep and then pulling in our garage, but not hitting the door opener ever, and sitting there in the car reading a book while she slept. Those few months sure seemed like a long time. LOL 🙂
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Holy Crap! That’s all I got to add, Joey. Poor you. (And Mister.) Thank you, Beethoven. No colic from my daughter, thankfully.
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