It’s been a good long while since I’ve ranted, and it’s important to remind you every now and again that THIS IS NOT A NICE LADY BLOG, lest you begin to think I’m some simple-headed basic Pollyanna bitch.
courtesy of la sabrosona
This one’s been a long time comin, so for your own safety, I ask that you sit down, strap in, and put yer helmets on.
Get ya drink. I’ll wait.
Bitches love my man.
Proverbial bitches.
Proverbial bitches who proverbially suck his dick all the goddamn time.
They lurve him.
Nowhere is this more apparent than on social media.
The Mister is the most beloved man that ever graced social media.
No one likes me, least of all my family and friends, and everyone loves him to the nth degree.
That’s how I feel, and it doesn’t matter what you think, it only matters how I feel, cause INFJ.
Now, before I go on, I want you to know that these could all well be fictional events, or completely hyperbolic examples but they’re totally not.
If any of these stories involve you, I probably still love you, but there’s no hope I’ll ever forget being slighted by you and I guess we’ll both have to live with that: you, glowing in your triumph and me crying and drinking stale champagne, but we’ll manage.
Also, I’m flattered you’re reading my blog. I had no idea you read my blog!
I know the sun rises and sets upon The Mister and how I know that nobody likes me, everybody hates me, and I should just eat some worms.
1. I am invisible next to my husband.
Me: It’s crazy hot in here.
The Mister: It sure is crazy hot in here.
All the women: Yes, you’re right! It sure is crazy hot in here!
Julie: I played violin.
Jenny: I didn’t play anything, I sang though.
Julie: The Mister sang, too.
Me: I also sang. for five years longer than he did, but whatever, Julie, you’ve only known me 20+ years
Stranger: Do you know where the paint is?
Me: Aisle 4
Stranger to The Mister: Thanks. Have a nice night, Man.
The Mister: You too.
2. If I vaguebook, it is assumed that I am speaking of my husband and only the bravest and strongest will acknowledge it.
Me: Narcissists are dreadful.
Tracey: Aren’t they though?
Cole: I had a stalkery Narcissist for years and years.
Me: I think this is one of those statuses that people think I’m talkin about my husband or somethin. No one’s sayin anythin…
Then BOOM! Lotsa comments.
Like, ‘Oh, it’s not about The Mister, so it’s safe now.’
Do other people think my husband is a Narcissist?
3. He’s the pretty one.
If I post a selfie, I get maybe 30-40 Likes. If I post a picture of The Mister, or both of us together, I get 60-80.
4. He’s the funny one.
Me: And then she fell on her face!
…
The Mister: Just splat on her face!
Everyone: OH LOL LOL ROTFL OH LOL LOL PMSL OH HAHAHA LMMFAO You are so funny!
5. He’s the smart one.
The Mister cuts the child’s pancakes with a pizza cutter.
“What a brilliant idea!”
“Right? Joey taught me this years ago.”
“You’re so smart!”
5. I give people things and people thank The Mister.
“This is wonderful, thank you so much!” she says as she pats his hand.
“Joey thought you’d like it.”
“I do.”
I’m right here. Hello? Am I in a nightmare?
I don’t care who you are, not once in the last sixteen years has The Mister ever so much as thoughtfully purchased a greeting card for you, let alone a fucking gift.
6. People let him sleep.
Children never wake him in the night due to bad dreams, worry, vomiting, wet bed.
If he falls asleep AT A SOCIAL GATHERING people say, “Aw, he’s so tired.”
Yes. He’s worked so hard. At falling asleep 4 hours before me, waking 30 minutes before me and having napped earlier this afternoon when I was cooking all this fucking food.
7. His feelings matter.
The Mister: I’m a little bit anxious right now.
Everyone: Why? What’s wrong? What happened?
The Mister: It is what it is, there’s no reason.
Everyone: You poor thing. Can I make you some tea? Would a backrub help? Is there anything I can do? Here, lie down.
Me: I’m havin a panic attack.
Everyone: …
8. His blasphemy sounds better and his swearing is overlooked.
If I shout, “Oh my God!” when a yellow jacket lands on my nose, I am asked if I am invoking God reverently. So unladylike, so ungodly, so unbecoming.
If The Mister says, “Oh Lord no, dear sweet baby Jesus, hell no!” then he is funny and this is the best story they have ever heard.
If I say it’s fucking hot, people think I am being dramatic and crude.
If he says it’s fucking hot, people stay indoors and thank him for the warning.
9. The children ask for him when they’re sick or injured.
Me when they’re sick — back-rubbing, cool-rag fetching, bucket-emptying, hair-holding, drink-soup-toast toting.
Him when they’re sick — “Suck it up, Buttercup! Drink water, drive on!”
Me when they’re injured — Holding them, asking them, “Can you move it? Do you feel a bump? Do you think you need medical assistance?”
Him when they’re injured — Moving potential broken bits, making them scream and cry, yelling at them, dousing their wounds with alcohol.
He has the worst bedside manner, but they want him still.
So far, I’ve protected the names of the guilty offenders and I’ve not given you substantial proof, but I submit to you, my Instagram.
My Instagram.
Mine.
The Mister isn’t on Instagram.
But on his birthday, the daily prompt was ‘My hero,’ and as such, I posted his photo.
Check it out. People actually wished him a happy birthday on my post. Did those same people wish me a happy birthday on Instagram? Nope. Like I’m runnin a fuckin fan page for The Mister.
Do you need more proof?
I tell ya, he should run for office. Bitches would be swoonin over his likable ass, chasin him down, vyin for his attention, “I saw you on Instagram! I love what you’ve done with your hair!”
He’s bald, Bitch. God did that.
And all those political opinions? They’re mine. I gave him those, along with a host of other things, not the least of which are his love of duck confit and a better vocabulary.
You could conclude that I’m jealous, and I am; I’ve never been likable. In the words of my dear friend Orb, “You’re likable..just only to the right people. Just like me.” Takes one to know one, I guess.
But in turn, you must know, The Mister chooses me every day. He doesn’t know I’m not the pretty one, the funny one, or the smart one. He sees me at my best and my worst, and he really sees me. He values my judgment, my intellect, my insight. He listens to me when I prattle on and he comforts me when I’m panicked. He fosters my growth, finances my passions, and he is man enough to thrive in the challenges of my bitchiness. He makes me forget how awkward and irrelevant I am.
I can see why people love him so much. Everyone should have one.
I appreciate your reading all the way to the end, because I jotted the fuck out of this Just Jot It January post.
joeyfullystated 
This had me in stitches. I do not see it the way you do all the time, but it was a wonderful read. Made me smile even at 7:50 reading it again.
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It’s nice you’re around to validate me xx
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Ahh Jake, isn’t it wonderful to see what the love of a good man can do for a woman?
Oh hi there Joey, wassup? 😀
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Cheeky! 😛
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This is hilarious. I’ve had some of these happen, too. I always assumed people just respected him more because he was a man. The paint store one struck a nerve with me. I’ve helped random people in stores before, and they won’t even make eye contact with me. They will only look at my husband & thank him. People suck
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Thank you. I’m convinced some of it is blatant sexism as well.
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That was such a sweet read! Super funny and then a very endearing ending!
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Thanks — and thanks for the comment 🙂
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Laughing. Smiling. Worried a bit. Then the ending…perfect ! You rock, Joey. Who’s Jake ?? ☺
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I crown you as my favorite person, Monday, January 4th. Thanks!
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👑 I’ll wear it with pride. 👑
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Well darlin’ your rant has turned the corner and become a full on rave as well. I gotta’ say I can’t think of anyone who can write a rant and rave any better. You have Champagne left? Regardless, this was an excellent piece. Clever, funny and charming. P.S. I think you’re the pretty one.
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Thank you, and thank you so much 😀
I do still have champagne, lost a bit of its bubble. Although, now I’m on mimosa #3 and I wonder how much is left…
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I was with a pretty man but his Dad called me Ugly! 😦 it was a sore subject but your mister is a special guy and let it all slide off you, dear Joey!! ♡♡
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You are beautiful, inside and out.
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Joey, it is very annoying to have your Mister get credit for things you do.
My mom could relate to this. A lot of the neighbor women would rave about my Dad. There was a secretery who would not pass on my mom’s messages. She even wore a 2 piece bathing suit to the company picnic at the beach! I remember my mom wearing a sundress over her one piece and looking radiant. She walked over to my Dad with my baby brother on her hip and asking him to go take him into the beach cabana to go “potty.” Once my Dad left, she told the lady who had been leaning on my Dad, “Bob says you are single and he feels bad for you. If you ever want to come over to share a meal with us, you should let him know.” Now, doesn’t this sound like you, Joey? Kill ’em with kindness. I wrote some version of this on one of my early blogs called “Jealousy comes at any age” I do believe you are NOT jealous because you know at the end of the day, the hubby loves only you. Plus, he does try to tell everyone how smart you are! 🙂
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That’s a fabulous story. Yes, I’m quite grounded in the idea that he’s faithfully mine, but rather my jealousy lies in his likability.
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Thank you for your sweet words, Joey! ♡
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Tis true. And you’re welcome.
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This is great. Please tell The Mister that I really enjoyed it. 😉 Actually, I get the same damn thing with my hubs. “Uncle Steve, thanks so much for the Christmas present!” Yeah, cause he walked in exactly 0 stores this holiday season. Motherfu….I mean, Merry Christmas. But yeah, they love us so I guess we can’t complain too much. Great post!
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Haha! I know that’s right!
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Oh Joey, I like you! I had to laugh though at the nerve of some people who ignore you totally whilst thanking your husband for something you have done! I would hate that as well. Still, you know that at the end of the day, he appreciates you, and all the aspects of your personality too! Now I don’t know your Mister, but I think he has very good taste in his choice of wife! You even rant articulately and with great humour! 🙂
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Thank you! I like you, too! I would never make you feel invisible 🙂
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Hmm, not bad, but your Mister said it better. ;~}
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There’s always that one asshole, eh? 😛 Thanks, Dale.
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“Cause INFJ.” Awesome!
My mother tells me all the time how wonderful David is. I mean, he is, “but geez, Mom, I could use a little validation, too!” OK, I’ll admit, she does give me my own from time to time, and Dave really is pretty wonderful. I’m glad you and I both have a couple of great guys! 🙂
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My mother loves The Mister too. I think she prefers him to me at times. But you know, she DID want a son 😉 Haha!
Aren’t we lucky to be chosen by those so beloved? 🙂
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Most definitely! 🙂
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Loved it! Absolutely hilarious, you had me giggling! You’ve said this for years, but never quite so “eloquently” lol
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Thankies 🙂
I say it because it’s true! Now the whole world knows.
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I have a theory, at least on the Instagram. You mentioned the deployments and such on Instagram, you’re going to get the troop worship thing. (Ask me one day about the guy in uniform who threatened to shoot up our Starbucks because we had no military discount and all the customers who defended him.) I support most of our troops, but I swear, if Ted Bundy was in the military in this climate people would excuse him if he wore a uniform.
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I understand. That does not explain the regularly-clad husband on FB.
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Your FB friends likely know he is in the military too though, right?
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Yes. Dammit, Josh, I’m too old to enlist 😉
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Hahahaha!
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Don’t you know that men are always more lovable than their wives? Give it up gal and pass the Mimosas! ; )
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Oh? I had no idea it was such a flat-out, commonly known fact! *hands you a mimosa*
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Hahaha, the frustration of the double standard. Thanks for making my laugh on my first official day back into the blogosphere.
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Thank YOU 🙂
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Josh hit the nail on the head. It’s the-man-in-uniform syndrome. They’re like rock stars. You are very likeable. We love you precisely because you’re no Pollyanna. And you and that guy make an awesome pair 😉
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Hehe, THANKS, and thanks so much! *abrazos*
But you know, as I say to Josh, The Mister’s clothes don’t make a difference on the Likes — he’s got more likes in civilian clothes, too.
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Da bitches are jealous and can’t bear to admit that you rock because if they actually click “like” on your stuff then that’s like admitting defeat. See with The Mister there’s no competition; with you, there is. People are intimidated by you. That’s my 2 cents. *Abrazos right back atcha*
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Haha! That’s an interesting thought 🙂 Thanks!
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I’m giggling so hard here because a) you are hilarious and b) this could be written by my husband, as my father-in-law thinks I walk on water and can do no wrong, and it irritates the shit out of him.
People do act all “aww” about Sam dozing off. “He must work so hard and do so much for the kids. Bless him.” Then they look at me like I’m not doing enough. WTF? He dozes off because he’s prone to dozing off! He wasn’t up until 4:30AM with the baby!!! But, naturally, anything that indicates the man is doing the tiniest bit to “help” raise a child gets mounds and mounds of praise. His kid, too, y’all.
Oh and tell the Mister I said thanks for the tip about the pancakes.
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HAHAHAHA! OH E! You ARE the funniest!
I’m glad you enjoyed it 🙂
And you’re right about the daddy thing. Good grief, it’s called parenting!
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Absolutely fabulous!!!
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Thanks 😀
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This was hilariously funny! ESPECIALLY to me because I have had some of these things happen to me, too. I am nice to people. They respond in various ways: sweet, shitty, mean, indifferent. He acts like an ass to people. They love him. I am tactful. Nobody notices. He is rude and insufferable. People laugh WITH him. WTH?
But then even when I’m not with him, say at the supermarket, people try to walk right through me. I mean through me, as if I’m actually a ghost that they step through. So if I’m in a good mood and the fluorescents aren’t too bad I try to joke it up with the cashier so that somebody remembers I actually was in the store that day.
So I have a lot of empathy for you. Thanks for making me laugh like hell about it!
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Oh, Luanne, I wish I could hug you! You come sit with me here on the WTF bench! I’ll make you mimosas! Damn, I’m relieved, but sad for you, too!
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Hehehe. I love the sympathy, I admit. Mimosas, here I come!
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There’s a good rant and I am glad you have a man like this. You’re worth it 🙂
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Great post, Joey! I laughed all the way through because as another INFJ, I totally get this and have been there way too many times with relationships.
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Thanks 😀 I’m sorry there are so many of us out here…
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Indeed, Joey.. far too many of us 🙂 Thanks for giving voice to our plight!
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This was fun to read. I read all the way to the end. I laughed a lot, I felt bad for you a little but not a lot.Cause, INTJ – close, except you care more than me.
This was seriously funny. I see this happen sometimes to my wife, like when we were buying her car and the sales guy totally ignored her throughout the process. On the other hand, I sometimes get more comments on a blog post that features a few words about her than I do about the other 800-1000 words I wrote, you know, about me.
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IN-teresting on the INTJ.
I felt badly as soon as I read your comment — I am one of those who’s commented on your wife. I’m still lol’ing in my head about God Eats Here. Gah, so funny!
But then, I read you all the time, and always enjoy your stories, so that definitely counts. You’re not invisible to me 🙂
Glad you liked my post!
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Never feel bad about a comment. I know what I’m putting out there and I know where the support will land. After 32 years, she’s entitled to a little credit.
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I didn’t even know stuff like this can happen and to see you rant so happily – I am kind of hoping it happens again just for the laughs 😀 😀 Unless of course, it happens to me. Then I am coming to you to complain and make you guest rant for me!
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Haha! I’d be honored, but I hope none of it happens to you!
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I love you Joey. But you know, your perception of what’s “fucking hot” outside is different from anyone else’s, right?
Nobody likes me in real life. Fortunately I don’t have a spouse to take away my thunder online.
….
Holy fucking hell I’m lonely!!! 😦
😉
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LOL oh Linda, that is my first LOL of the day!
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😀
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clapping from the balcony…
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Thanks!
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Ha! When you said the other day we had “similar marriages”, I had no idea how similar!
“Oh Fitty’s such a NICE GUY”
Yeah he’s nice, most of the time, the other part of the time he’s a motherfucking crazy piece of shit who will DIE before admitting he is wrong!
“You guys are doing great working together, we could NEVER work in the same office, let alone right next to each other!”
Dude turns into Stewie from Family Guy the minute he starts work! This is a side of him I never knew existed, and frankly I’m considering having him fired for inappropriate conduct.
“He’s so intelligent?”
Yes he is, but he doesn’t know shit about how to express his emotions. Have you ever spent 4 hours trying to pull someone’s feelings out, only to have them stare back at you in panic for 4 hours?
“I did the washing up for you!”
You also created 90% of the dishes and left a “salad” on the benchtop because you didn’t use a board or plate to make your sandwich. I did 5 loads of washing, the shopping, cooked dinner, changed the beds, vacuumed and cleaned 2 toilets in between dropping kids at work and cutting the dog’s hair. Thanks SO fucking much for doing the dishes.
I feel your pain. Must be a “bald” thing?
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LMAO! OH MEG! LOL! I relate to a certain extent, but mine is tidy. Like, super tidy for a penis person. He’s not bad at expressing his feelings, but it takes such a looong time for him to analyze them before he can verbalize them. We’ve been married so long now, I know it’s coming, and I get stressed thinking about his stress!
I’m like dying about getting Fitty fired for inappropriate conduct!
Thanks, as always, for the laughter!
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I could live in a showroom, I always like to have things put away and in their place, so I can find em again later. Fitty see’s every clean surface as a surface on which he can take apart a computer, or dump 500 assorted pieces of camera bullshit on. In stunning contradiction, most Saturday morning’s he can be found outside sweeping the dirt free of gum tree detritus.
I’m currently writing a post about what might happen to our relationship if I had the penis – so funny you should mention penis right now?
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Synchronicity, my dear 🙂
Can’t wait to read it!
(I too am a clean surface person. It is my greatest battle as a matriarch.)
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We were all due for a good rant and this was a great one. I smiled and laughed through the whole thing. And, we all have a story. My Mom loved my Hubby. She loved me too, but she respected Hubby when she didn’t respect a lot of other men. So, she has an apartment in our home which is on ten acres in the Midwest. Hubby and I did corporate work all week so on Saturday and Sunday we were outside farming with a list of projects a mile long trying to get something done in the summer heat. It never, ever failed that she would see us out there working our butts off, come out and approach me as I wiped sweat out of my eyes and face, and tell me maybe Hubby should take a break because it probably wasn’t good for him to be working that hard in the heat. Yes, he probably should take a break and I need one right along with him. We would chuckle when we’d head out wondering how long it would be before she would get worried about him. Loved this post.
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I’m sorry you suffer from similar circumstances, but then, it’s also kinda precious, isn’t it? Thanks for sharing that 🙂
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You have to find the humor in it and have a good laugh. This way you provided an opportunity to lots of folks to find the humor in their own story. Thank you for that.
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Thank you 🙂
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I sarcastically enjoy having a conversation with a sales person anywhere and they appear to only want to have the conversation with my husband. I research the hell out of everything we purchase and we usually know what we’re buying and why…..but they talk to my husband who doesn’t have all the answers….then I start doing the talking….they still respond to him. It helps to kind of stand in front of my husband when we’re shopping. As for any social media? I don’t include him except on my blog. I’m sure everyone would like him more. 🙂
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Hear hear! I wouldn’t like him more, I promise! ❤ Also, Sorry you experience similar issues.
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Such a funny post!! You aren’t alone, that’s for sure. Ladies are always telling me how “awesome my husband is”. Nobody’s telling him how awesome I am!! But he thinks I’m awesome, and The Mister clearly thinks you are awesome. I think all of the bitches are just completely jealous so they won’t give you the time of day.
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Word. Thanks for that. I’m glad your husband is awesome, Deb, but I’m probably too fond of you and my own awesome husband to notice your awesome husband!
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Likewise! 😉
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“Everyone should have one,” indeed. But they don’t, do they. 😀
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Indeed they do not. Good point 😉
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This had me crying from laughing so hard! I love how honest you are, I deal with the same thing with my Hubs. and it makes me feel like im insane!! Can’t wait to read more! 🙂
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Thank you 😀
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Ahhhh the sweet sound of solidarity… This is my reality as well and you have done a stunning, candid, marvelous job of putting words to it. Thanks for attaching happy to a normally very humbling and wildly frustrating topic!
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