If this were clickbait, I’d title it SEE HOW DOING THIS ONE SIMPLE THING CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE!
And then you’d all be like, “What? I want change in my life, too!”
And you’d click it and be all, “Fuck all. Earplugs? Really?”
And I’d say, “Yes, really!”
Sometime after the first of the year, but when school wasn’t in yet, I had this horrible, terrible, very bad night of sleep. Blasted cats with the crying and scratching.
Catticus: I want out of Moo’s room! I want to eat food!
Cletus: I have eaten the food and I want to bathe upon your chest!
Clara: Why is everyone scratching? I must put my paws under the door and call to them.
Catticus: Seriously. I’m starving. I’m down to eleven pounds now. Let me out!
So I let Catticus out of Moo’s room, Clara out of our room, and Cletus into our room. Then Clara wanted to see what Cletus was going to do, so she came back in. They began to fight, which I am sure sounded like this:
Clara: Don’t look at me like that, you little asshole.
Cletus: I’ll look at you as I please and I’ll bite your neck and lick your ears and pounce on your tail and you’ll like it.
Clara: I don’t like it. I will cry, but remain passive and put my butt on Mama’s head.
Cletus: Fine. I’ll just sit here and lick my empty sack.
Then The Mister rolled over.
SSSSSSSSSSSSSNOOOOOOOOOOOOORE
SSSSSSSSSNOOOOOOOOORE
SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE
why is it so hot in here? why is my husband made of liquid hot magma?
Then Catticus at Moo’s door: Excuse me. Pardon me. Hello? Moo? I am full now. Full to capacity. I must lie down. I must lie on your bed and bathe now. Hello? Human? Let me in!
Having had enough of cats, hot, and SNORE I decided to take a pill.
but you haven’t had to take a pill in a long time, and you’ve done so well.
yes, but my family hates me and this is killing my nerves. how do they all sleep so freakin hard? how can they not hear that?!?
SSSSSSNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE
“ROLL OVER!”
really joey, just get up and take the whole milligram. maybe maman and reta are right. maybe it’s time to get earplugs.
someone will break into the house and no one will hear a damn thing. okay, sadie would hear it. but what if the children cry or cough in the night? oh, like they’re not going to come tell you about it? right. earplugs tomorrow. yes. i will buy earplugs. and i will muzzle the cats, and put them on little stretchers like hannibal lecter and wheel them into the garage at night! yes, that’s how i’ll do it!
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE
he will choke to death in his sleep. you’ll wake up with a corpse. no one will be there to tell him to roll over and he will choke to death.
i deserve sleep, too.
i’m a good person, i deserve sleep.
SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE
“It’s a good thing you’re asleep and you don’t know how much I hate you right now.” *pet The Mister’s head*
you don’t hate him. you love him. it’s not his fault. it’s his pediatrician’s fault. and his mother’s. she shoulda trusted her motherly instinct and gotten a second opinion. stupid pediatrician. he should hafta sleep with the pediatrician every night. pediatrician prolly dead now. enjoy your peace, lucky motherfucker.
So I got up and let Catticus into Moo’s room and then I went to get a pill. But it was night, and my hands were useless and there were no halves. I wrangled and spilled them all over the counter and for a split second, wondered how much ativan a cat can take…Then I took a pill and opened Moo’s door and said to Catticus, “Imma leave this open.” He nodded with approval.
I opened Sassy’s door in the hopes that Cletus would go sleep with his butt on her face.
I got into bed where I would spend the next three hours miserably awake but too sedated to do anything but pet my cat and cry and think about absolutely everything ever, sometimes two or three times for good measure.
I fell asleep just after dawn, just after the pill wore off, just after my husband miraculously began to breathe like a human being.
The Mister bought my earplugs, brought them to me, showed me how to squish them and put them in.
I instituted a new household rule that all doors are to be cracked at night, wide enough for all cats to pass through. Fuck fire safety. Mama needs her sleep.
I put the earplugs in every single night. Every single night, I hear the sound of my own deep, heavy breathing and the sound of my own heartbeat. My own breathing and my own heartbeat sound like I am fantastically healthy and my mind is perfectly clear. My own breathing and my own heartbeat sound like my family loves me and my cats are precious angels. I am my own white noise machine! Until the alarm goes off.
I have slept like a professional self-centered sleeper for more than three weeks now. I guess The Mister sleeps better too. He gets to sleep on both his hips and his back and no one yells at him all night. He sometimes tells me his throat is sore from snoring. I say, “Aw, Baby, that’s rotten,” and I smile because I never heard a thing.
Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS) and Just Jot it January are brought to you by LindaGHill
joeyfullystated 
This was funny to read the dialogue among the cats and the letting them out and in! I tracked it all – and glad the earplugs help sleep! Years ago I used them too – for afternoon naps and they saved me!
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They really are a life-saver 🙂 I’m glad you enjoyed it.
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Earlier this month you said that I have good energy??? Well right back atcha! I love your energy too – and the husband snore here – so well written! Lol
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Thanks so much 🙂
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😊
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Ears plugs are handy so l shall not knock them and so l agree they really have helped me like you – snoring, noisy neighbours yes l have experienced it as well.
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Good to know. I’m really pleased with them 🙂
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This woman put in earplugs one night. The result? SHOCKING!!!
I can’t use them because they bug my ears too much.
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I felt the same way. I’m still not crazy about them, but I cannot deny how well I sleep. The Mister picked these, but when I run out, I’m going to buy some for tiny ear canals 🙂
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I am deaf in one ear, so unless my neck hurts (which it does) I just put my good ear into the pillow.
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Bit of serendipity there, huh 🙂
Ironically, it’s The Mister who has hearing loss. Go figure. lol
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Hahaha!
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My cat jumped on top of me three times last year demanding to be petted. Now he thinks he’s gonna take a nap. I don’t think so Dude – it’s time for war! ; ) jan
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I’m pretty sure you got the cat dialog correct. My snoring sometimes bothers the dog. I never hear it. Our current couple of cats are pretty quiet at night, but I think that’s because my wife gets up so early.
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Wow I really enjoyed how you drew me right in and earplugs…. And cats oh them fucking lovely creatures lol…..and snoring husband’s….. You sure you didn’t sneak into my memories and pull one out LOL! Feeling glad I found your blog!
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Oh thank you! I’m sorry you’ve suffered similarly. I love my family and my cats, but it’s good to sleep through the night!
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Indeed!
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your story could be my story if we changed the names of the kitties involved etc. Aren’t they wonderful inventions?
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I’m so pleased 🙂 Yes, really, really wonderful!
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Nice clickbait. 😉
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Well thank you 😛
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You must be glad to have found that those earplugs work, and you can now get a decent night’s sleep.I could do with some to drown out Roxy’s snoring as well as my own! 🙂
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hmm, this bears further thought as a solution to my snorer problem….lol..
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It’s worth a shot!
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Poor Joey. Again I sympathize but can’t empathize. I am able to sleep anywhere. Set me down,cover my head and say goodnight Gracie. I am glad your earplugs help. Sleep is as important as water. Isn’t it? Why can’t cats stay in one place at night;like dogs?
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Dog are diurnal like humans and cats are nocturnal. *sigh* I’m not convinced I’m not nocturnal, or at least, more diurnal.
I envy your ability to sleep anywhere, as I do The Mister’s. It’s truly enviable.
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Oh yes, the cats…same here. That’s why I’m up so early every morning, to feed them to keep them quiet 😉
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Ear plugs I have, and they work quite well, thank you. Cats I don’t have, and I’m thinking these are several good reasons why. 🙂
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Hah! I’m glad you enjoy your ear plugs as well 🙂
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I both enjoyed and abhorred this post. Too familiar, too close to home, too anxiety-inducing.
I totally get the snoring and the anxiety and the getting amped up and mad over the snoring and the anxiety. The cats, not so much (thank goodness), but both my dogs snore occasionally–along with the Hub who snores every night all night–and so I understand what it’s like to be awake. Awake and way too aware. I can’t do the earplugs…to much anxiety surrounding not being able to hear, and I don’t even have kids to worry about! LOL
But I am so so glad you’re able to use the ear plugs. It must be awesome to get such good sleep! Hope it continues (and you find more comfortable ear plugs)!
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I truly appreciate that you understood the real anxiety of the situation. I was utterly exhausted and so frustrated the ‘what ifs’ had to call upon me. I felt exactly as you did. I don’t know if deciding to forfeit sound for sleep means I got better or I gave up, but for now, I’m really pleased. I cannot express to you the delight that I feel in the morning, when I wake up — You know those mornings when you’re blissfully unaware of having slept? I’ve had weeks of that! 🙂
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A lot of the times nights are the worst for me. Add in the snoring and other ongoing noises…minor annoyances just ramp me up so bad. And omg it gets even more annoying that Hub can go on snoring like I’m not next to him pretty much trying not to flip out or die. And I try not to scream and shake him or smother his snoring with a pillow. So yeah, I get how bad that anxiety is! Lol
I can’t do the earplugs because I have tinnitus, so I’d be hearing buzzing and ringing and high pitched noises all night. Ugh.
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It really is difficult not to get hostile! Sometimes it’s just insanely loud!
Oh that sucks about the tinnitus. Gawd that sucks. I’m really sorry.
By the by, have you seen those headphone type things that sit on the bone, so you don’t hear the ringing? A friend of mine got them as a gift from her husband. She says they are the cats meow. Anyway, I just thought I’d mention that in case you hadn’t. I have no idea if they work for everyone or what they cost or if you even listen to headphone music…lol 😛
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SO MUCH LOUD SNORING. Ha. I was up answering one of your comments last night because someone was snoring next to me so much…
I have NOT heard of these headphone thingies. I am going to look for them right now. I don’t listen to headphone music but if it helps me, I might. THANKS!
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Hooray for earplugs! Glad you are resting better 🙂
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Ooh! This sounds so much like my morning posse dilemma but I’m awake because it’s expected of me. I understand your frustration and anxiety. How are we supposed to do the next day without any sleep?
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Love this. Really funny.
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Thanks, John 🙂
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joey, this is delightful. So accurate, especially the self-talk part. Made my day. Thanks for the smiles.
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Thank you!
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The earplugs sound like a good idea. Maybe I should give it some serious thought. This reminds me of when the adults are told to put the oxygen masks on first…it is important for the Mom to get her sleep!
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Uh huh. I was reluctant for a long time. But I guess I reached the point of letting go. They’re weird at first. Hard to get used to, like new shoes or a big ring, but they’ve become indispensable.
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Well, I don’t have kids at home or cats any more but I am a light sleeper and I can relate to the husband part of your story. But we would probably die in a disaster because my husband can sleep through anything once he is asleep. 🙂
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I feel the same way. But since the alarm wakes me, I figure the smoke detectors, alarm, and tornado siren will wake me too.
Sorry to know you’re a light sleeper with a snoring husband. We are surely legion.
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Yes. The smoke detectors would catapult me out of bed all right. I hate alarms. Good to know others have similar problems with sleep. 🙂
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My wife snores, but I can’t bear earplugs. I used to have to wear them when I worked night shifts, so I could sleep during the day, but they always give me earache the next day.
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I must say, my ears were quite tender the first few days. Now, they don’t even phase me. I wish you could use them as well.
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This made me happy for my friend, Joey and also, for her Mister for being so dang smart and helpful! 🙂 I would not like to miss out on a fire drill but I do believe you don”t hear a fire you smell it. Which You Will if It were to happen. So, don’t worry, keep on enjoying listening to your own healthy heart beat and gentle happy body relaxing and not listening to cat conversations nor crying while petting cats. I like doors open since I have always worried about the firemen saying doorknobs may be hot so take a cloth to open them. I let my kids sleep with their doors open and if I were romantic with ex-husband would open door after his pajama pants were back on and my pajama top was on too.
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I’m a closed door person. To be fair, we all are/were, but I just can’t stand being the only person who hears finicky felines pawing and crying to get in and out all night. We have five smoke detectors in the back of the house, so we should be alright. If I hear my alarm, I will surely hear smoke detectors.
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Wonderful story-telling about real life, Joey! Cats and snoring.. sounds like my previous marriage. Ha! Glad you are getting some sleep now. I definitely need to invest in some earplugs!
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The earplugs are really wonderful!
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I will be shopping next friday. I think it is time to invest 😀
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Love this post. I can relate to every word, laying in bed wanting to kill all the pets, all the snorers’ and teeth grinderz! Nothing worse than hating your man in the middle of the night and knowing it’s not fair to punch him in the taint.
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Thank you 🙂
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