Clumsy

Posted on January 31, 2016 by joey

Who’s clumsy?
Me.

I suffer from the dropsies more than most women.

Tree roots, sidewalk cracks, and steps are not my friends, thank you very much.

I like to spill food on my clothes. Alawt.

It is impossible for me to dip the sushi in the soy sauce and maneuver it into my mouth without some of the soy sauce landing on the table, or my shirt, or my pants, or my napkin, or your glasses. Whatever.

I’ve been Heimliched FIVE times.

 

I once called my MIL early in the morning because I needed to know how to get spilled coffee out of my white blouse in time to make my appointment. I was all, “I don’t have time to talk, I just need you to tell me how to get this stain out.”
Then, I called her back in the evening to thank her for her help, and while I was on the phone with her, I spilled tea on that same damned blouse.

I probably won’t drink red wine at your house.

I definitely won’t sit on your white sofa.

What hasn’t been stained has been torn.
My favorite shirt has 17 holes.

Seldom a day goes by when I can leave my own house without catching my sleeve, my purse, my coat, or the dog’s leash on the handle of the storm door.

I am on a first-name basis with all the walls in my house. They probably think I’m a bit handsy.

I regularly stab myself while cooking and sewing.

Not having my purse zipped shut can cause quite a scene.
In fact, once as I bent over to collect my exploding handbag, my glasses fell off, I reached to grab them, my scarf choked me, and I dropped my coffee cup to the floor, where it bounced open and sprayed all over me.

At least once a week, the shoulder strap of my handbag gets caught in the seat adjuster thingy and I am flung back into the car by it. This seems to happen most frequently when my husband is trying to drop me off and there are plenty of other witnesses around the front of the shop.

Have you ever been pulled into the dryer by closing your own pants in it?

I would not like to hold your baby.

I cannot use epoxy of any kind.

I take the rugs up and remove all the towels from the bathroom when I color my hair.

All my life, I’ve had plenty of scratches and bruises.

I have never figured out how to get a single pill out of the bottle and into the palm of my hand. I wish someone would create a sorta Pez dispenser for people like me.

I cannot walk and chew gum, or walk and drink, or walk and take pictures at the same time. I can walk and talk at the same time, but not too well.

In school, I dropped more cafeteria trays than I can count.
As such, I was the world’s worst waitress.

My tea cup always rattles on my saucer.

I accidentally, but frequently, shower myself with the kitchen sprayer.

oops

I am required to immediately despise all women named Grace.
Last week, I dropped a 12-pack of seltzer and it exploded all over the floor of the store. A woman walking by scolded me, and I pointed into her face and said, “Don’t you tut-tut me!” I bet her name was Grace. Cunt.

Are you clumsy? More importantly, are you kind to those who are?

Just Jot it January is brought to you by LindaGHill

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
This entry was posted in Personally and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

70 Responses to Clumsy

  2. nananettie1969 says:
    January 31, 2016 at 4:16 PM

    Lol loved your take in the prompt! The lion clip to funny! I can never keep my coffee or anything off white ever! Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. plotless1 says:
    January 31, 2016 at 4:19 PM

    Jesus, stay clear of you.
    I am not clumsy. I am a ninja. I am always looking for that moment when I will bend down to help some clumpss pick there mess up and we will bump heads start making out fall passionately in love and sail away into the universe. But I am a ninja and I catch her forehead with my hand and she pokes her eye with my finger and here comes the ambulance. And she rides off to the infermary.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Dan Antion says:
    January 31, 2016 at 4:23 PM

    I am clumsy and kind to the clumsy among us. I can related to manh of these things (not coloring my hair though). My worst was when I stood up at a Southwest gate in Midway airport. In one swift fluid motion, my glasses fell off and I stepped on them. I popped both lenses out and bent the frames all to hell. The whole thing took about 2 seconds.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. jhoudephotography says:
    January 31, 2016 at 4:25 PM

    So funny, you had me laughing out loud 🙂 thank you

    Liked by 1 person

  6. orbthefirst says:
    January 31, 2016 at 4:43 PM

    I am quite the ninja, except when Im not. 😛
    Those times usually involve trips to the ER, or at least they would, if I wasnt so stubborn. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Nancy says:
    January 31, 2016 at 4:52 PM

    So, the whole time I was reading this I was trying to figure out if you were talking about you or me? Then I was wondering how you knew so much about me! I love that scarves are so fashionable now because they’re great for hiding the coffee stains down the front of my shirts. I don’t think my legs have ever been bruise free and I stopped trying to figure out where They came from long ago. I’m pretty sure we must be twins separated at birth. (the name Nancy actually means “grace.” Please don’t hold that against me. 😳)

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Hollie Marquess says:
    January 31, 2016 at 4:58 PM

    Oh I am so clumsy! I related to this post on so many levels and it made me chortle into my wine. I am teaching a section of US history on campus this semester, and I begin with “this day in history.” Last week, I told them that it was the anniversary of the unfortunate incident when I dislocated my elbow whilst running. I’ve shut my own hair in my car door on more occasions than I think is normal. On Thursday of this week, I ran over my skirt with my desk chair and then got caught in it. The same skirt has caused me to get my foot trapped in it in my chair, so that when I try to go to the printer, I take a very ungraceful header into the door jam. I’ve also slid out of my desk chair and onto the floor, thanks to the roll in the carpet. I feel you, Joey!

    Liked by 2 people

    • joey says:
      January 31, 2016 at 5:01 PM

      Oh yeah, you’re definitely my kinda gal. lol
      I have done the hair in the window thing, but it’s been awhile. I’ve gotten a bit a paranoid about that one!

      Like

  9. coldhandboyack says:
    January 31, 2016 at 5:08 PM

    I try to pick my clothing based upon what might look good with whatever is being served. I have a coffee colored shirt. Ties can sometimes cover a stain, if you lean a certain way. I drop things all the time, and it usually escalates like a three stooges bit from there. It’s best if I don’t try to pick it up at all. First I have to assess any danger to the dog, because if I drop it he eats it.

    Liked by 2 people

    • joey says:
      January 31, 2016 at 5:24 PM

      Clever! My dog knows LEAVE IT (because kids and m&ms and stuff like that) so I have that goin for me.
      I am often wearing white. I like to wear white. It’s a real problem lol

      Liked by 1 person

      • coldhandboyack says:
        January 31, 2016 at 6:29 PM

        Stick to Alfredo, chowder, and milk. Maybe ice cream if you don’t add off color toppings.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Pistachios says:
          February 1, 2016 at 6:32 AM

          I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who dresses according to what’s being served! If I’m wearing white (because sometimes I just want to wear white too), I’ll try to pick the least messy dish …but sauces make food delicious so sometimes you just gotta pick what’s more important 😛
          As for other clumsy moments, I think I’ve successfully blocked out most of them from conscious memory

          Liked by 2 people

  10. Fourth Generation Farmgirl says:
    January 31, 2016 at 5:29 PM

    This is so funny! I’m also very friendly with the walls in my house. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Sherry says:
    January 31, 2016 at 5:31 PM

    Damn do I feel graceful NOW!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. vanbytheriver says:
    January 31, 2016 at 5:37 PM

    This was hysterical…pulled into the clothes dryer by your pants ? I have been known to trip over those sidewalk cracks, pretty regularly, and try to get up like I didn’t just scrape my knees. I was laughing with you all the way, until you mentioned you had been a waitress. Oh, my. The horror.
    I have never known a person named Grace. ever. Thanks for the laughs. ☺

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:
      January 31, 2016 at 5:43 PM

      Yes, I was a waitress for all of 3 months. I didn’t enjoy it, wasn’t good at it, and earned much less than my fellow severs. Can you imagine? lol
      I respect the work immensely though, because it was way harder than I’d thought it would be!

      Liked by 2 people

  13. Benson says:
    January 31, 2016 at 6:35 PM

    This is too funny. But it really shouldn’t be. It is sorta’ sad. No. It is funny as Hell. Your exposition not your condition. I don’t consider myself overly graceful,but I don’t stumble or drop things too much. I really try to be nice to those who drop things or spill stuff;even when they may spill it on me. I no longer laugh at them. I would be kind to you and even help clean up. Probably.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Norm 2.0 says:
    January 31, 2016 at 7:15 PM

    Hilarious post. I’m ‘average’ clumsy but I have my moments, like the time I swatted my fancy sunglasses off of my own face and into the water out of the canoe in the first hour of a multi-day camping trip. I’m sure the fly that was buzzing me found it quite amusing, cause he hung around for another 20 minutes.
    Honey is the clumsy one in our house. Not as bad as you, but not far off. I go easy on her, or poke fun when I think it’s safe to 😜

    Liked by 1 person

  15. jan says:
    January 31, 2016 at 7:41 PM

    You and I are sister souls – I sat on a bee on my birthday wearing a swimsuit.

    Liked by 2 people

  16. John Holton says:
    January 31, 2016 at 8:46 PM

    I like that card about your last word being “oops.”

    Liked by 1 person

  17. stephellaneous says:
    January 31, 2016 at 10:06 PM

    Hahaha! Okay! Okay! I’m sorry, but damn girl – I thought I was clumsy!

    I totally need to wear bibs when I eat, as anyone who has ever eaten with me can attest. Man, I get so nervous when I’ve nearly finished an entire meal…like ohmygod will this be the one? Will I get away with a clean shirt?

    Plop.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:
      January 31, 2016 at 10:47 PM

      Now and again, I get away with a clean shirt. But it’s rare, and cause for celebration, yeah?
      The best has got to be when I’ve just showered, put on some yummy clean jammies, and then promptly spill my ice cream on the first bite. That’s how I do.
      Glad to have your company 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • stephellaneous says:
        January 31, 2016 at 10:55 PM

        Haha yeah! Girl. The old women at work do this thing…Spaghetti Wednesday. At some point they roped me into joining them now and then. This local joint does daily lunch specials. Wednesdays are spaghetti days. Shit ain’t even that good, but I force myself to go sometimes as like the one time I’m social during the week.

        Anyway. Last time, I was like where the fuck did that noodle just go? I KNOW I DROPPED A NOODLE. So I’m looking down, trying to be all casual and covert. Finally gave up, thinking I just thought I dropped one…YAY! Finally a spaghetti Wednesday without spaghetti boob!

        When we got outside to pile into the old woman’s car, I tried one more time. Yanked my shirt back at the neck, and there was that sly bastard. Plastered to my bra and boob. I had to peel it off, leaving this crusty sauce snake on my chest. NOT HAPPY. And also not surprised.

        Liked by 1 person

  18. Anxious Mom says:
    February 1, 2016 at 1:20 AM

    As you probably know, I can relate to this post. When I’ve been drinking, it’s easy to tell what I’ve been having because I usually spill on my shirt (and not because I’ve had too much, either). Gotta love smelling like rum punch.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. April says:
    February 1, 2016 at 8:16 AM

    I’m clumsy. My favorite is walking and tripping over nothing. I’m good at that one. If there is a hole somewhere near me, I will fall in it. Yes, I’m nice to my fellow clumsies.

    Liked by 2 people

  20. Jewels says:
    February 1, 2016 at 9:34 AM

    Haha thanks for the giggles this morning Joey, this makes me adore you all the more! ❤
    My sister is a bit accident prone and when you shared "Not having my purse zipped shut can cause quite a scene. In fact, once as I bent over to collect my exploding handbag, my glasses fell off, I reached to grab them, my scarf choked me, and I dropped my coffee cup to the floor, where it bounced open and sprayed all over me." I thought of her immediately!
    For the record… I say oops quite a bit myself 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  21. John Callaghan says:
    February 1, 2016 at 10:35 AM

    Hahahahaha. Grace does sound like a cunt. If your reaction to seeing someone drop seltzer is to scold them instead of lending a hand then that person is an asshole.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Judy @ NewEnglandGardenAndThread says:
    February 1, 2016 at 4:19 PM

    I’m not clumsy but I’ve had my share of sporadic issues of the same type you mention – spilling things, cutting myself with a paring knife. and catching my clothes on a door. I actually bought a purse that had clips inside. So, I clip my keys, wallet, smart phone, sun glasses. Everything is clipped – I can pull it out but it can’t drop it. LOL I haven’t changed purses in about five years because this is the only one I’ve found with the clips. I guess you could classify me as proactive clumsy? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  23. nananettie1969 says:
    February 1, 2016 at 4:50 PM

    Hi! I have nominated you for The Versatile blog award! If you want to take part see my post on the award for rules. If not maybe pass it along to someone that is deserving. Thanks and congrats!

    Liked by 1 person

  24. reocochran says:
    February 1, 2016 at 7:07 PM

    I have done many of your suggestions. I have tripped and fallen while getting my mail out of my mailbox in my apt building. I also have tripped over my own junk lying around my apt. Couldn’t even blame grandkids, Joey!! I mentioned recently I was taking a photograph and started backing up and fell into a crunchy and iced over snow pile. Just like a teenager, I stood up, brushed snow and black stuff on top of ice off my butt and looked around to see if anyone had seen me do this! Smiles!

    Liked by 1 person

  25. garym6059 says:
    February 2, 2016 at 9:16 AM

    My oh my you need to come with a first aid kit and a safety manual.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. meg68 says:
    February 5, 2016 at 4:18 PM

    We are twins.
    I’m fucking sure of it. You can’t possibly be as clumsy as me? Bruised is my default position!
    My physiotherapist tells me she has no idea how I’m even moving anymore… my hips be like slinky’s! I can’t go thru a doorway without dislocating my shoulder… wow. We are exceptional womens huh?

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Britt Skrabanek says:
    February 6, 2016 at 11:35 PM

    Joey, this is amazing! I’m so behind on keeping up with everyone’s blogs, so forgive me. So glad I popped over to read this. Made me laugh my ass off, because I’m the biggest klutz ever.

    People are always surprised by this, due to the fact that I was a dancer most of my life. When I explain to people that the universe has a sense of humor, and when dancers aren’t dancing, they’re usually tripping, dropping, crashing…you catch my drift.

    To bring my point home, Mr. H has two clumsy nicknames just for me. Crash and The Dropper.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Lori Carlson says:
    February 8, 2016 at 1:20 PM

    *laughs* omgoodness woman, are you sure you aren’t my long lost twin? I am the worst at staining things *headdesk* and things find me all the time to trip me up.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. Laura says:
    February 12, 2016 at 4:58 PM

    Well, I THOUGHT I was clumsy until I read this! You had me at multiple Heimlichs. 🙂 I kick furniture and bang my knee pushing away from the table. Mysterious bruises are always turning up on my legs, and I only have a vague memory of running into something and thinking “huh, that’s gonna bruise.” I’ve torn my favorite lounging-around shirt three times on the kitchen cabinet handles. I’ve dropped scissors and steak knives but have somehow managed to avoid stitches in my feet. I collect burns and paper cuts like other people collect stamps, and I can’t get through a single day without dropping at least one something or other. You Are Not Alone. The Struggle Is Real.

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.