For many years, I’ve said my job is making order out of chaos. There were times I had two or four kids and a paying job, but they were short stints, and quite honestly, they overlap with the worst times in my life.
When my anxiety was at its worst, I went to therapy twice a week. Every time my therapist gave me homework, I had the same reaction: this is such a waste of time. this serves no purpose. i don’t see how this can possibly help. so stupid. i mean really, does she even know what the hell she’s doin?
Well she did. I’d do the homework and have revelations and we’d talk about it and move forward. Homework assignment became lifestyle changes. After a few homework assignments, I realized I had a pattern and that yes, the homework always seemed stupid, but it also always worked, so it would be a waste of time to complain about it, even to myself.
sometimes homework was literal homework
At one point my homework was to not work from the time the kids go to school until the time they come home.
No housework all day, she said. My husband was going away for a few months, she said. It was the perfect time to start a new pattern, she said. We’ll meet in two weeks, she said. Take lots of walks and naps, she said. Take your ativan, she said.
crazy bitch
Well this was the stupidest possible homework assignment ever, right? Do you know what OCD, anxiety-plagued housewives do all day? Clean like fiends. Everything clean? Tackle a closet. Closets all clean? Take the picture frames apart and wash them. Picture glass shiny? A day just isn’t a day if you don’t clean! I cleaned about four hours a day, and I was certain my house, and possibly the entire universe, would simply fall apart if I didn’t.
The first day The Mister was gone, I got the kids off to school and went to put a load in the wash. Couldn’t.
When I got the kids from the bus stop, I could begin work. And so I did.
My days belonged to me again. I realized my days had not belonged to me since before Sassy. When Bubba and Sissy went to school, and there were no other babies, I cleaned here and there, but I did more leisurely things during the day. For example, I could remember morning coffee with Beauty Queen followed by long afternoons spent reading.
I had that baby and another baby and I was determined not to let my standards slip. I would still have a clean house and I would have yummy dinners cooked every night and I would be the best wife ever and I would do nifty crafty projects with the kids and I would still read lotsa books and I would virtually never sleep and I would …BREAK MY BRAIN.
By the end of my first week of owning my days, I could feel the difference. Mind you, I cheated a little bit. No one wants to clean floors when the kids are home.
If you can imagine, I felt I had become a better mother by three o’clock, all well-rested and energized, not already exhausted from cleaning and freaking out all day.
Back in therapy, I was honest about how I felt. I felt spoiled. Like I wasn’t earning my keep.
I felt like I didn’t deserve happiness and had to earn it. Where had this come from? How had I become so critical of myself?
That opened up a can of worms familiar to many housewives.
Society. Our mothers. Our mothers-in-law. Working mothers in our lives and on our televisions. Strangers on the internet.
Who could possibly live up to all those expectations?
There were too many comments I had taken personally, stored, and then amplified to the point they became screaming internal dialogue.
When I hear people say things like, “Well his mother doesn’t work, she stays home all day cooking and cleaning, you know, she doesn’t do anything…” I realize that’s probably their opinion of what I do as well, but that’s certainly not my opinion of what I do. I’m not required to take it personally, to justify it, to save it up for when I can’t sleep, or to use it to berate myself.
I still can’t abide a mess, and I still battle moments of OCD, but I’ve come a long, long way from where I was. When I catch myself maniacally cleaning I’m always disappointed to discover it really is emotionally based.
I am no more special than anyone else in any other kind of recovery. I am truly trying to create order from chaos, and the chaos is emotional turmoil. I am required to face my emotional turmoil and put it right in my mind, not take it out on my kitchen cabinets.
It took therapy homework to discover I’m entitled to enjoy my life. That’s not a small thing. That’s why I write it and say it so much. I am still reminding myself.
In what non-physical ways does your anxiety manifest? Are you in permanent recovery? Are you entitled to enjoy your life?
joeyfullystated 
Of course you’re entitled to enjoy your life. A bit of mess around a house makes it a home. Plus it’s only by not doing, that one can come to understand what the doing means to them. It sounds to me that you’re on the right track.
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Thank you for helping us all to understand 🙂
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“Permanent recovery.”
Yep. Thats what that is, alright. I. am. there.
I either clean, or I pack kits, like “Heres my hammock/shelter/survival kit. All I need for a week in the woods in under 8lbs…” Thats my anxiety thing. Hafta make sure Im “Good to go” you know..
Spent about 4 hours cleaning out a closet the other day. Those skeletons are getting heavy. Or maybe Im just getting old. 😉
(Oh, and we have no mice, like I thought we might. Ill tell you about it when we chat sometime.)
Happy friday joey. 🙂
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I have known you how long? Never knew that packing bit was your coping mechanism/obsession. Yes, I did notice your enthusiasm, but I had no idea. Thanks for sharing.
I can’t believe you got your courage up and dealt with that closet! I LMAO! Skeletons, lol, is that what scared Bast? Your skeletons?!? Funneh 😛
Happy weekend, Orb 🙂
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And here I thought my triggers and such were obvious. Ill tell you about the cat thing when we chat, its quite funny. 😛
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I have mild OCD – I have to check and make sure I shut appliances off several times. But I’ve learned to live with disorderly closets and dust on the picture frames!
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Thank you for sharing 🙂
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Wow…that was quite a share, Joey. Kudos to you and your candor. Of course you deserve to be happy and free of all those pressures.☺ I experienced the anxiety of being married for a decade without having kids. So, when they came, I relaxed into it. My standards for housekeeping changed, I enjoyed their company and all the chaos that came with it. We played, we traveled, we visited friends, we painted and colored and read books, we cooked and baked and made a mess. And it was pretty great. I’d do it the same all over again. There is no formula that works for everyone. Be yourself, and do it your way. ❤️
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I love that you’d do it the same all over again. I love that you relaxed into it. That sounds so idyllic to me. I can’t fathom it. How kind I could have been to myself…
Maybe those ten years were ample time to prepare mentally? But then, many women have instant families and don’t panic…
I wouldn’t even know how to do it again. I don’t think I’d undo, I wouldn’t even know where to start undoing. I keep going forward — with much more gratitude and grace than I did the day before.
Thanks for sharing 🙂
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That was a great post, Joey. It is interesting to see how anxiety affects people in such different ways, and I am glad you got your life back! 🙂
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Thank you, Judy 🙂
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You are not only entitled to enjoy your life, you’re responsible for doing it.
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Oooh, Dan, did you just make that up? Those are some wise words! Thank you — encouraging 🙂
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I wish I could take the credit. Those wise words were given to me a long time ago.
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Well then thanks for passing them on to me.
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One thing my therapist told me to do was tell my husband I wanted (whatever chore) done in a certain timeframe, then leave it be. Not to go back and redo what he did. She said it’d keep my anxiety/stress levels down…still waiting on that, my eye still gets all twitchy 😀
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Like what? Like hang the shelves over my window by September 10th? Or like, put the baby shampoo in the tub before dinner? Are you a micromanager?
My husband parents plenty, but getting him to do tasks around the house is like pulling teeth!
MY EYES WOULD TWITCH TOO!
I have a friend whose homework was to literally watch her husband make brownies and not say anything critical. She hadda eat brownies with eggshells crunching around and then clean a pan that hadn’t been sprayed or floured.
I guess y’all’s therapists didn’t have husbands?!? lol
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Ha! Clearly they have husbands who are babied and have little in the way of expectations!
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Must be.
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You need a shirt with that on the front and a picture of you, Wonder Woman and Xena, Warrior Princess on the back. Seriously not everyone can be as candid as you and I for one appreciate it,if for no other reason than it might aid me in understanding a bit of what the Woman may be experiencing. Some of what you shared even rang true for me. The most normal and well balanced man in at least Marion County. I think I may have had some elements of OCD,in the fact that I would get fixated on an idea and do everything I could to learn it, absorb it,then once I was satisfied I tossed it. I do admit I am a recovering workaholic. But since I am retired that probably doesn’t count. Anyway my young neurotic pal, as always thanks and the best to you.
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You ARE really laid-back, aren’t you? I hope it does help you understand your woman.
Obsessions can be VERY productive, but at a cost to everything else. If you’ve been obsessed with work, you know that. Thanks for all your kind and generous comments, I really appreciate it. 🙂
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I keep trying to enjoy my life, but the other person I live with (the one with serious and unacknowledged OCD) doesn’t allow it because he can’t allow himself to enjoy his. And then I have my own anxiety issues . . . . They come about when HSP me comes up against too many people or stimulation.
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Ah, yes, I, too am HSP, and walking on anyone’s eggshells is a serious struggle for me — usually makes me physically ill. Kudos to you for enduring. That’s got to be hard on your anxiety, Luanne.
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Yeah, I am patient and a survivor. But sometimes, just ick.
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entitled? as in inherently deserving? yes, all beings are inherently deserving of enjoyment, serenity, peace. Do we ever get much of it? No. Just as slaves are entitled to their freedom.
My anxiety is mixed with my mania, so in non-physical ways it usually racing thoughts that consist of either re-running past events looking for clues and signs of what really happened, what was this or that person really thinking about me, or racing forward to consider all possible scenarios in order to formulate a response, with more of the energy going towards the worst possible interpretation of past events and the worse possible scenario occurring in the future (just getting into a car is a major event because of the zillion things that could go wrong while on the road for a few minutes).
And I do believe I am in permanent recovery, but I have, I believe, after all these years, finally come to some kind of peace about that. It’s not about the destination, but the journey.
Peace.
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Great insight. I do believe there’s a peace in recognizing it’s a part of me now, in this state of permanent recovery.
You are the only person who answered that you are entitled to enjoy your life, did you realize?
I relate to the car thing. Driving is something I dread, but do. I don’t want to lose my independence, but like you, I see all the dangerous scenarios before I even leave my drive.
Thanks for sharing, and peace to you.
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maybe people tend to equate “enjoying one’s life” with hedonistic and materialistic pursuits, as a selfish activity.
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Maybe.
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Did ya lock the car?
Yeah but did ya lock it 3 times??
This, and other rituals that make me feel slightly more secure.
Why are some of us so insecure and worried – while others seemingly breeze through life with bacteria coated hands, no panic, and one foot on a razor’s edge?
I enjoy your writing so much, because I can relate so closely to it. You are indeed a brave writer.
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Thanks, Meg. I always appreciate your comments. I don’t know WHYYYYY other people aren’t neurotic. I’m terribly jealous. For a long time, I thought everyone saw and felt things like I did, and then for a long time after that, I thought I was the only one. Truly. It’s nice to connect to people who understand. Thanks for being one. ❤
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It has taken me 58 years to figure out that I’m entitled to enjoy my life, too and not be the chief organizer of everything inside our 4 walls. Such a wise post, Joey. Keep reminding yourself in your posts because it reminds us, too.
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Thank you, Susanne 🙂 I appreciate that!
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Amen to permanent recovery. Though I’ll take the compulsive cleaning over compulsive eating any day. Or the not eating. I’m getting better at recognizing triggers. But it’s a long road.
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I used to be a not eater, too. I’d forget to eat. I don’t do that as often now. Best of luck on your permanent recovery, I appreciate your support. 🙂
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So much wisdom in this post! I may try your “homework”, as I believe I have “stay-at-home-mom-ed” myself to a state of constant exhaustion. Now that my boy is in school, I like the idea of actually diving into my “must-read” book pile and taking a few hours for ME! Thanks for the inspiration!!!
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Oh I hope you will. It’s made all the difference. I mean, I can’t speak for you, but don’t mothers (all mothers) work from after school to bedtime? Why, oh why, would we think it’d be better to run ourselves ragged before then?! lol
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I totally agree! And I have to say those are the hours when my boy is the crankiest and least cooperative – not good when Mom is exhausted, lol!
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Do you remember when the value of a stay at home mom became so low society came up with the phrase “working outside the home”? In my humble opinion, a stay at home mom works a lot harder than one who heads to an 8-5 job and has before and after school care and a house cleaner among other personal subcontractors. I’ve been known to clean or paint when I am frustrated and I respond well to a beginning, middle, and end plus I have something clean when I’m done. 🙂
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I don’t remember when exactly that came to be. I’m not sure when it became a label, a title, an importance, but I can tell you it was already labeled that way when I began.
There is something truly therapeutic in cleaning, at least for me. I love the feeling of completion!
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My husband always laughs at me when I get the small mower out and start mowing when he’s riding around on the John Deere. But, I get my steps and there is something calming about tall grass and cutting it to short grass in straight lines. I know you’ll get that but maybe no one else will. 🙂
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Great post! I really appreciate how honestly you expressed your own experiences with anxiety. I identify with much of what you said…OCD housewives with anxiety cleaning all day–yep. It can be miserable. And, the comment about enjoying your life. It’s definitely a challenge sometimes. Thanks so much for sharing your insight and strength. And, the book sounds helpful as well. Thanks, Joey! 🙂 💛
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I appreciate your kind commentary here. In terms of workbooks, that one was extremely helpful. Really insightful.
Thank you ❤
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I meant to say how much your words about being ENTITLED to enjoy my life impacted me. I hadn’t looked at it that way, but you are right. I hardly ever sit down to take time for myself. I even feel guilty about taking time to write for my blog, because I feel I should be “getting something done.” Anyway, what you said made a lot of sense to me. Thank you.
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Thanks.
Sometimes I think you have to do it to understand it. I think it’s very much a homemaking issue, but I do believe it’s a relevant women’s issue that encompasses a lot of us.
Maybe there are a few hours of a day you can own?
And thanks again 🙂
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