Another One Bites the Dust

Posted on March 18, 2016 by joey

Tragic motherboard burnout killed Lappy #1 and Lappy #2 at a relatively young age.
Lappy #3 was the victim of accidental manslaughter before he was even a year old.

Lappy #4? Well…
It began with a flickering, a delay, too many Error 404 Pages.
The blue screen of death appeared from time to time.
Then he failed to wifi.
Tracey came in as a remote ghost and cleaned him up a bit, but said his something or other was dying.
We gave him a blue Ethernet cord and told him to hang in there.
Bubba treated Lappy with salves and prescriptions and said there wasn’t much else he could do.
In a show of solidarity, I rotated my head along with the browser’s cursor, “Go on, Lappy, you can do it!”
I didn’t upgrade Lappy to Windows 10. I knew he’d never make it out alive.
Lappy tired easily and couldn’t make it to the kitchen anymore. He told me I should consider a new battery.
Last month, Lappy’s frame came apart, but I bandaged him with duct tape.
“Nooo, Lappy, don’t go!”
But when I picked Lappy up and his eyeball shattered, I knew the time had come.

Off we went to the place. The place has sold me four of five Lappies now, so it’s fine enough, despite the fact that the staff consists of 12-year-old geeks who think in math and speak in acronyms. They would descend upon me like the prey I am if I didn’t have The Mister. People don’t approach The Mister. I walk around all the Lappies and comment like Goldilocks until I find the one that’s JUST RIGHT. Then I point at it and The Mister nods and motions for one of the blood-thirsty geeks to assist.
An eager little boy jogged over and immediately attempted to upsell me some RAM. I don’t even know what RAM is, but I know I don’t need more of it, because more RAM than I had before is probably RAM I don’t even need. One needn’t bother trying to terrify me with phrases like “significant slow down” when Lappy #4 hasn’t even had his little black box removed yet.
Y’all know how I do. If I could get a walnut computer with ceramic knobs on it, I would.
I shot that little boy down and he took it pretty well.

Home I went, to introduce myself to Lappy #5.
Lappy #5 is a girl.
I know this, because she’s nosy as fuck.
She wants my everything. I’ll be sorry if I don’t give her my everything. Right away.
Every little step in the Next screen is how this bitch can get all up in my shit. She wants to know me in ways my own husband would find too intimate. Lappy #5 be like, “It’s safe, you can trust me,” and I’m more like, “Let’s take it slow for now.” Freak.

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Lappy #5 offered me a faster set-up in exchange for my location, my contacts, my other devices, my searches, my wallet, my dreams, my secrets, my retina, my fingerprint, and a little bit of my blood, but I resisted and took the long way.
She offered to show me the drive behind her cloud icon and I snarked at her, “A cloud? Really? How original.”

Soon enough a suspiciously Internet Explorer-looking icon appeared and I ran off to find Chrome. Google knows what I want, which is why it led me through a delightful video about how to set my default browser to Chrome.

Purchased my virus protection etc. Ran into some trouble and called the number. Ganesh, who was not from Iowa, answered the phone. I knew it would be bad when I spelled out J-O-L-E-N-E and he spelled back J-U-L-Y but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and let him go through his stupid script before Bubba proclaimed him useless and terminated the call.

Removed a lot of programs, which are now called apps you know. Marketing threw this sorta party for me — musta been a hundred icons jumping up, yelling, “Pick me! Play with me!” but I really just wanted to hang out in my sweats, sooo…UNPINNED.

I’m dreading the conversion of photos and fiction.
Lappy #4 is lies prone on the living room floor, on life support. Only the television can reveal thoughts from his battered body. At five, he is ready to leave this world behind.

cloud.1

wasn’t the sky gorgeous yesterday? this is my pic.

I’m still mildly concerned about transferring data and allowing this nosy cow Lappy #5 a peek at my phone. She hasn’t given me any grief in the last 24 hours, so I may well have broken her of her bad habits. I hope Lappy #5 will learn that control is not love, and that if this relationship is to continue, she’ll need to respect my boundaries and stop showing off so much. We’re not going to take over the world, we just want to write and play.
AND STOP ASKING ME TO TALK TO YOU! 
(you’d think this computer was made for extroverts. as if.)

I really appreciate Lappy #5, I just…

How are you liking Windows 10? Do you hate adapting to new technology? How long did your oldest computer live? Do you even remember your 32948 passwords?

 

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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54 Responses to Another One Bites the Dust

  1. meANXIETYme says:
    March 18, 2016 at 10:57 AM

    We just recently began upgrading our equipment to Windows 10. I hate windows 10. I hate APPS. I hate the fact that my stupid laptop needs to know everything about me and where I live and who I talk to and what things I like to do (or not do).
    I have a very inexpensive program (and another free one) that makes my Windows 10 look like Windows 7, which was the last Windows operating system that I was okay with. It’s made things much less painful.
    And I, too, go straight for Chrome. 🙂 Hate IE, hate EDGE, love me some Chrome and Google!
    Good luck with Lappy #5. I hope she takes good care of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:
      March 18, 2016 at 11:07 AM

      I am coming to this from Windows 7 so I totally get why you preferred it. The Mister has had Windows 8 and TOUCH SCREEN (Oh the horror!) for awhile now and says he’s adapted to the apps by not really using the start-up screen. lol
      Right now, my issue is that it would like to put everything in that fucking cloud thingy and I’m like, “Noooo, this is a photo. This is a document.” I figure the boy one can help me change some things, and I’m working on a small list for when he’s over next.
      WTF is up with the Edge thing — I was like, “Psh, you’re IE with a mohawk. You can’t fool me!”
      She’s letting me blog, so for online stuff, she’s been helpful and FAST! 😀 Thanks!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. April says:
    March 18, 2016 at 11:12 AM

    I haven’t upgraded, and I use a Chromebook for most of my Googling and blogging. It’s not nosey at all. Very user friendly but doesn’t do much, but I’m okay with that. However, our main computer is about to bite the dust so I keep it backed up and keep my fingers crossed.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Benson says:
    March 18, 2016 at 11:29 AM

    What a clever and delightful post. Very entertaining. I am still on Windows 7. I ignored 8 and 10 wouldn’t download;which is for the best I am sure. My current laptop is about 4 years old. It is also my first and only one. The only trouble I have had was a hard drive that failed. The computer was still under warranty so I replaced it for free. I hope you and Lappy 5 are happy together and that she quits being such a hussy.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dan Antion says:
    March 18, 2016 at 11:52 AM

    I hope this one has a longer life. I am using one that is 4-5 years old. The Mrs is using a very ancient one from, maybe 10 years ago. I upgraded it to Windows 7 and she drew the line there. I don’t get too close to the laptops. My phone knows everything about me but I figure I’m safe because Siri isn’t very good at answering questions.

    I’ve been waiting for this post since I saw your tweet about ram. I love how you take the Mister without as geek-repellent.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Ally Bean says:
    March 18, 2016 at 12:24 PM

    Cute post. Makes me wonder if I really want to get a laptop any time soon. My desktop iMac is hanging in there, and is not at all nosy. So there’s that. Which works in its favor.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Luanne says:
    March 18, 2016 at 12:43 PM

    Ugh, this is what I’m afraid of. Yesterday, I had one laptop out of commission, my super ancient one wasn’t working so I cleaned it up and accidentally deleted the audio driver hahaha. And my desktop upstairs is acting VERY hungry and kinda crazy in that too-hungry way. I don’t want a new computer though.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. jan says:
    March 18, 2016 at 2:19 PM

    I just had my Mac fixed by a team of 14 year olds! One of them looked at me as if I’d grown a unicorn’s horn when I asked for a paper receipt for their services. I hope Lappy #5 works out well for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. coldhandboyack says:
    March 18, 2016 at 2:21 PM

    I went Apple several years ago, and I like them. They still want to get all up in your grill though. My favorite is when every app want to send you notifications of everything that happens around the world. It takes a long time to turn off all those little bells and dingers.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:
      March 18, 2016 at 8:43 PM

      Oh, Apple fings! *jealous* Lucky you! Apple prices and Joey principles don’t much match.

      Liked by 1 person

      • coldhandboyack says:
        March 18, 2016 at 9:25 PM

        Sometimes if something lasts longer the higher price is justified. I haven’t decided on that in this instance.

        Liked by 1 person

        • joey says:
          March 18, 2016 at 9:35 PM

          I get that, I do. I bought a ridiculously expensive vacuum cleaner and it lasted EIGHT times longer than the previous ones, so if we break it down to unit pricing, in theory, I saved $500 when I bought it. At the time it was a risk, but it did pay off. You’ll have to let me know how you feel about your Mac in the end.

          Liked by 1 person

  9. joannesisco says:
    March 18, 2016 at 3:13 PM

    I suppose I could have like Windows 10 if my own Lappy wasn’t such a dickhead. I’m almost hoping he dies in the Geek Hospital. There will be no mourning for him at all.

    … but I am worried about ever seeing my nicely organized photo library again 😕

    Hope your transition goes smoothly.
    BTW – I think Cortana is useless. Either that or she hates me.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. 2bcreativeblog says:
    March 18, 2016 at 5:20 PM

    Love this post! Funny but do see your pain. I went away from a laptop years ago. I have two desktops I use. One has Windows 7 and the other 8. I got use to the 8 but prefer 7. Refuse to upgrade to 10. I still use IE. Windows 7 desktop is from 2011 and the Windows 8 is last August. But normally, I keep until they break. Still have my laptop but it is kinda of slow now so it never gets turned on.

    I tell little on my computers and phone. I don’t even sync my phone with the computers. Not that I have anything worthwhile, just don’t want to have everything personal on it. I still love paper and pen for the personal stuff. Keep all my passwords in a book. 🙂

    I’m one that likes leaving electronics behind for a portion of the day. It makes my anxiety go up if I am on too much. LOL. I do have a NOOK that is like a tablet so close enough for a laptop for me. Maybe in the future again but I am happy with using the Nook, phone, and desktops. Heck my phone is upstairs right now. 🙂

    I do use Microsoft’s OneDrive which is like the cloud. It has saved my butt a few times on backing up important stuff. Or at least stuff important to me. 🙂

    As for the apps on Windows 8, I removed a lot of them. Made the screen more to my liking and that helped to adjust to 8 for me. I was cussing for months getting use to it. I tend to use the computer with 7 more often. 🙂

    Great post! Best of luck with new Lappy!

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:
      March 18, 2016 at 8:51 PM

      Thanks 🙂 and Thanks 🙂
      I still keep stuff in a book, too. I LIKE paper! 😀
      I still haven’t synced my phone…or any iStuff…
      I like what you say about being offline and away from devices — I do that, too, especially on weekends.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Elusive Trope says:
    March 18, 2016 at 8:25 PM

    got myself a chromebook so everything is in the clouds, which means there is no operating system to breakdown or upgrade, but without connection to internet it is pretty worthless, but fits my needs.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. orbthefirst says:
    March 18, 2016 at 10:42 PM

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

    (No, seriously. You shouldve called. Id have helped as much as I could. You know.) Glad Bubba was around though. Hes a good boy. 🙂 And hopefully hes got Miss Thang under control.

    Also, I learned a new concept from this post: Purchasing not-hardware related things for ones computer. People still do that? 😉
    Ill call you on monday, and see how its going.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:
      March 19, 2016 at 12:07 AM

      Yes, I do purchase not hardware things. I don’t know if you’re makin fun of me, but I bet you are. Surely you do not laugh at the death of Lappy #4. Surely you raise your Dew to honor his dedicated service?
      That boy built a computer in about two hours on my living room floor, Monday? Tuesday maybe? It was the most interesting thing I’d ever seen him build, and that’s sayin a lot! You and he could talk for hours about it, I’m sure. He is a good boy and is fairly ginger with me 🙂
      Do you mean call on the phone? Like voice chat? 😛 Wow, that’d be nice! When did we last talk on the phone? When my washer died? I prefer talking on the phone, since I’m free to move about the house and I don’t hafta put on a bra. If you wanna Skype, let’s wait til Tuesday, but sure, phone on Monday.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Nancy says:
    March 19, 2016 at 12:06 AM

    Omg! Seriously frightening. I think I may go off the deep end when the time comes for me to upgrade my trusty iPad. We’ve become very close. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Anxious Mom says:
    March 19, 2016 at 12:16 AM

    If you ever need more RAM, you can always upgrade it yourself for a fraction of what the GeekSquad would charge. It’s super easy.

    Hope the “getting to know each other phase” goes well 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Jean Reinhardt says:
    March 19, 2016 at 7:54 AM

    Don’t talk to me about Windows 10 (or Word 2013), I was having a nice morning until I read your post, Joey. 😦 Nah….. only joking. I’ve been through Cloud and found there was no silver lining so I made a rapid descent. I had never really got to grips with any of the Words so when I had to finally knuckle down and learn one it happened to be the 2013 version. My friend, who’s been using 2011, tried to teach me to use this latest one that came with my new laptop (along with the dreaded Windows 10) and she ended up pulling her hair out. She told me I was lucky because I didn’t have to unlearn any of the old versions. Now I owe her a wig and some counselling sessions for her trouble. Sigh……… Wait a minute, I’ve just remembered I promised to bring my daughter clothes shopping. A bit of retail therapy will save the day. I’m offffff………>>>>>>

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:
      March 19, 2016 at 11:06 AM

      Jean, I don’t know what you’re writing, but Google Docs and Scrivener can do words, too.
      I’m so sorry to read of your suffering. And your friend’s hair loss. Maybe you can get her a lovely scarf while you’re out shopping today?

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Karen Van Benschoten says:
    March 19, 2016 at 2:16 PM

    I am on Lappy 4 now, due to it’s timely arrival, at no expense to me! It is also a tablet, has a touch skin as well as a stylus tucked away in the side. The screen folds all the way around to make the tablet. I set it at an angle to play my favorite games. I did upgrade to Windows 10, but I’m still not sure how I feel about it. Office 365 is awesome, though.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Karen Van Benschoten says:
    March 19, 2016 at 2:17 PM

    It was at no cost to me because it was purchased and sent by my brother & sister-in-law. 🙂

    Like

  18. marianallen says:
    March 20, 2016 at 6:43 PM

    I upgraded to Windows 10 and almost immediately upgraded again back to Windows 7. I have a very old lappy (don’t know how old, but the baby who sold it to me is probably a grandfather now). It was apparently dead, but I got me a Linux disc and now it works just fine as a backup. My current lappy is several years old. If I ever have to stop using Win7, it’ll be Linux all around.

    Liked by 2 people

  19. dalecooper57 says:
    March 21, 2016 at 4:20 AM

    Ah, the joys of only ever using a phone…

    Liked by 1 person

  20. garym6059 says:
    March 23, 2016 at 7:59 AM

    I only remember my 1, 321, 341 passwords because of evil Google Chrome. This has to be the most romantic story I’ve ever read about a Lappy that didn’t involve a story from a strip club!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Manja Mexi Movie says:
    March 24, 2016 at 5:18 AM

    Hihih, was cracking up throughout. Made me think of my mom and how she named her first PC. She called him Zvone (an ordinary male name, “Zvon”=Bell). And since you ask: I still use my first ever laptop, before there were only PC’s. I didn’t name it, or assigned gender. I didn’t convert to Windows 10. First, I lived a long time without a computer. When I got one, I lived a long time without internet connection. When I got that, I lived a long time without a smart phone. Etc. Etc. I’m the last one to convert. The first thing I did when I got online was download a bunch of rare and live Pearl Jam tracks and recorded an MP3 cassette: the sound went out of PC speakers on to the tape recorder. This remains my best engineering endeavour. Much lasting power to your little bitchy. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

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