My anxiety has been bad lately.
It’s not because of anything. If it were because of anything, it wouldn’t be called Anxiety Disorder.
My life is just as peachy keen and just as rotten awful as everyone else’s.
This bout of anxiety started slowly a few weeks ago and escalated on Saturday last, when we went to Moo’s dance performance. Everything was fine, I was fine, but it was a rainy day, and we had to drive to the west side. I hate riding in the car in rain almost as much as I hate driving in it. I can’t drive to the west side without getting lost. You must understand, these are triggers for me. There is sizable baggage attached to these situations.
The Mister decided we should get coffee on the way, which I thought was a fantastic idea. Then he wanted to stop at the ATM, and I felt like we were too pressed for time. I hate to be late. I couldn’t figure out why he had a stack of cash the night before, but had to go to the ATM. We hadn’t gone anywhere to spend money…
He started to exit when the directions said to go to Crawfordsville Road in two more miles. Perhaps it was the panic on my face that told him he should follow the directions.
He was relaxed; I was uptight. I began to feel unwell in that unmistakable panic way, and I wondered if my coffee was truly decaffeinated.
Upon arrival, The Mister dropped us at the door. Despite my nagging, the girls were too cool to carry their umbrellas, so they squished under mine. We stood in line. As we slowly approached the door, I realized we couldn’t buy tickets, since The Mister had the cash.
I’d like to try to explain what that felt like, but I really can’t. Sorta like bursting impatience, when you think you will not pull through before you spontaneously combust. And not just impatience for the line, in the crowd, after a rainy car ride, and unexpected stops, and running late, and being cashless, but for the terrible vibration of pent-up energy in my body.
Since vertigo is generally my first symptom, there’s a lot of self-talk involved in staying upright for the sake of upholding societal norms. No one wants to be the mommy lying prone on the pavement with people asking, “Are you okay?”
I tried to become a pillar, although I felt more like I was floating. I tried to find the pleasant things on site. I was fairly certain I would pass out, or you know, die, because that’s what panic is like. I tried to count my breaths, but I couldn’t. By the time we got to the door, my body was on high alert with sweat and a high voltage headband.
Soon enough The Mister showed up, paid our way, and we found seats. He apparently wanted to sit up high with the hawks and I was feeling much more burrowing bunny — the ground is my friend. After asking if seats were good every 3-4 steps up, I told him to lead the way. Then I sat down and broke down. Shaking, crying, rapid breathing, the whole bit. My family pet me, which was sweet, but useless, because I just needed to release.
I calmed down, enjoyed Moo’s show, even did some line dance thingy with her at the end.
Going home was easier. We stopped at Chili’s, which we hadn’t been to since we left Georgia. I ate shrimp tacos. Yum!
We laughed and had a fabulous time. Much merriment.
Sunday was easy, and I do mean easy, but still the anxiety hung on. Sunday night seemed like a really good time to lie in bed and obsess about things far into the future, and also none of which I can control. *shrugs*
(That’s how to throw a party for your anxiety. If you do it long enough, you can hear your heart beat with each pang and find yourself asking if you’re even breathing. Good times!)
I got up and took half a pill. Then, due to the magic of modern medicine, I finished watching that show, counted my blessings, and slid off into dreamland.
Where I had terrible dreams.
Of course, Monday morning came and the week’s work started. Lots of driving. Lots of vertigo. Lots of errands. Whee.
Sometimes I think that if I didn’t have children, I’d rarely leave the house.
Monday was damn near sleepless, and Tuesday offered more errands, more driving, more vertigo.
Wednesday found me walking in the rain, twisting into yoga poses, meditating, reading, napping — in hopes of building momentum for my shopping trip. Does not everyone sing “The neverennnndiiiiing shoppiiiiiing” and imagine their car is Falcor? Non?
I’d read the sales flyer wrong. Cod was not on sale. Cod not being on sale was an excellent reason to experience another anxiety attack. In the grocery store. And then to white-knuckle my way home through rush hour traffic. Yay me.
Things only got worse at home. I’d said I’d attend a graduation ceremony last night. I said I would. Except, I assumed the graduation would be on a Saturday, even though it clearly wasn’t. The graduation was a 2-3 hour drive away. I’d need to take the girls out of school early to make it. I’d have to drive alone and return late, late, late, possibly needing to take them in late on Friday as well. I was conflicted and overwhelmed. I say no enough to know I’m not a Nice Lady, but once I’ve committed, I don’t back out.
Sassy has missed one school day all year, and Moo hasn’t missed a single one. Grades are not a problem. I thought maybe I could just take them out of school for the day. Drive my 2-3 hours WEST, make a day of it, still drive 2-3 hours home late, late, late, but with a longer period of recovery between. That ended up not bein great on the other end. I was sad. And angry at schools that hold graduations on Thursdays!
Knowing my struggles, my friend understood. Still I felt crushed with guilt and sick with disappointment.
I tried to talk myself into it.
I was thinkin about that drive, the stress, the dark, alone in the car with my girls. It took me to a dark place. I have made more than a dozen anxiety-riddled road trips (100-800 miles one-way) alone or with my kids in the last ten years. Those trips are all painfully close to the surface of my memory, for having to pull over and even sometimes check into a hotel to stop the panic. The pain, the dizziness, the nausea. Then the anxiety hangover. Feeling like utter shit for days afterward, because I pushed my limits.
It’s important to push our limits, but it’s crucial to know what they are and when to push them.
I could imagine the drive. I could imagine it happy, excited, exhilarating, listening to music, drinkin my cream soda, cruisin along…
But inevitably, anxiety hangover.
I declined, recanted, broke my word. I felt so victimized by anxiety. The timing was no good, but without anxiety, or fear of it, would I have driven 4-6 hours in one night? I don’t know. Doubt is no good for me. Did I give into anxiety and let it dictate my behavior, or did I make a good decision in knowing my limits?
I made myself a mojito. I made breakfast for dinner and yes, I do think mojitos pair well with brekkie, cause citrus. After the third mojito, I smoothed out.
I slept real well.
Rum, I think, is my drink.
Thursday let me take the girls to school, do two loads of wash, press The Mister’s shirts, clean the kitchen, spot-clean upholstery, deal with the mower guy, and make tacos.
Tacos have always been there for me. In the event of deployment, one can sublimate sexual urges by perfecting gringa tacos. Switch to ground turkey and season it your damn self because then they’re almost healthy. You’re welcome.
You know what goes well with tacos?
Paper plates.
And MOJITOS!
Friday has me running out for the fucking cod that’s finally on sale, but not too much otherwise. The weekend lingers. I like to think the weekend lingers closer, heavier, with greater mass than my anxiety, but it’s been a rough time lately.
Thanks for letting me kvetch and vent all over your devices — How’s your anxiety?
joeyfullystated 
I’m lucky, in that the only time I felt anxiety like that was when I started taking Wellbutrin. It only lasted about a week then tapered off. It was an awful feeling, but at least I knew/figured out what triggered it. But what can a person say to a person with anxiety disorder? My husband gets it bad sometimes and calls me constantly. I just try to tell him to breathe and that it will be ok. He’s content with that for a while, then he gets pissed and tells me I don’t understand or that it really won’t be ok. I get frustrated and feel helpless. Any helpful advice? I hate feeling powerless or like an asshole.
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I don’t think there’s anything to say to make it better. Just like the petting, it’s nearly useless. Presence is comforting though — Having someone with you who knows, and who tries DOES help, so taking those phone calls, staying on the phone, that’s at least enough to help. I really like knowing if I die, someone I love will be there with me. (Cause that’s how it feels, in the moment.)
I honestly can’t think of anything anyone can do to help, that’s part of what makes it so awful.
I can’t help you from feeling powerless, but I can tell you that you’re not an asshole for trying to help. Sometimes it’s the venting that helps the most, so keep bein there for him to blab to. And be proud of him for admitting he suffers. Be proud of him for sharing his vulnerability. ❤
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You do good. ❤
I shared this blog with a friend of mine who suffers similarly so thank you for writing about the beastly days. They shed light into something that is so misunderstood.
Keep fighting the good fight down there xo
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Thanks, Magsy. xo
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I wish we lived closer. I’d have a few/many cups of (…Insert beverage here…) and share your anxiety stories with those of my daughter. It would lead to much understanding, I think. Hugs to you and your family, Joey. 💕
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THAT is one of the things that helps — hearing other people suffering similarly, because then I feel understood. Thanks for the kindness and offer to share cups of (…Insert beverage here…) I appreciate that. ❤
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There are so many stories…so little time. You are soooo not alone.
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Mine has been horrible. I’ve eaten magnum ice cream bars every day. Sometimes more than one. Hugs.
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*hugs* Bless. I’m sorry for your suffering. I hope better days are on the way. Thanks for sharing.
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“..but for the terrible vibration of pent-up energy in my body.”
Yep. I know that one pretty well. Except I lash inward instead of out. Dark, writhing & violent places not safe for human habitation.
I hope you feel better, joey. ❤
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Thank you ❤
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I think you are absolutely right. It is important to know what your limits are and when to push them. And equally important to recognize when you would be pushing them too far. A grad on a Thursday? I would find it difficult to attend. 6 hours worth of driving? Driving back with the kids in the dark? I would have backed out too. Give yourself a pat on the back for pushing through at the dance rehearsal and participating in the line dance. Cheers to tacos and mojitos. Hope this week goes better.
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Thanks so much. I really appreciate your encouraging words today. It makes me feel better to know that trip may have pushed your limits, too. 🙂
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I hope better days are on the way for YOU, Joey.
Reading about how you deal with your anxiety is kind of amazing. Amazing in the sense that it sounds like me. I’m sure it sounds like other people who suffer, too, but who can’t put the force of it into words.
And personally, I think you made the right decision for you at the time about the graduation. Your friend understands because you are a good friend. If you had been down because of a gall bladder attack, your friend would have understood. Anxiety is real and physical and painful, just like a gall bladder attack. (You get what I mean…LOL)
I’m incredibly impressed you stayed upright at Moo’s dance performance. And I get the same anxiety over being late and not understanding why we always have to stop for gas when we’re already running “almost” late… Ugh.
HUGS
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Thank you. I hope she wasn’t just sparing my feelings. I mean, sparing my feelings is awesome, but not as good as sincerity.
Do you know I had at least four gallbladder attacks in the years preceding my journey to the ER? lol They were so far apart, and seemingly random, I’d always figured it was a bug or indigestion…NOPE.
I’m glad you can relate, even though I know it’s shitty for both of us, it’s nice we can empathize and admire one another in our struggles.
I swear if we’re running late, my husband needs to shine his shoes, or get gas, or poop! or stop at the ATM, or return a movie. It makes me crazy! 😛
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I’m sure your friend was disappointed, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t completely understand the situation. And no, I didn’t know that you had gall bladder attacks! LOL It was just the first thing that came to my mind.
Knowing that we aren’t alone in the things we deal with–anxiety, depression, cancer, loss–is something I think is very important. It doesn’t fix the situation, but I think it makes us feel less isolated and alone.
What is UP with them having to stop for gas or ATM or return a movie or get GUM (seriously, wtf) or or or… WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE. DON’T STOP THE CAR UNTIL WE GET TO OUR DESTINATION OR I’M GOING TO IMPLODE ALL OVER THE INSIDE OF THIS VEHICLE. LOL
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You said it! 😀
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I can imagine how difficult this is for you. I’m an introvert who is child-free, so like you suggested, I stay home more than most. I don’t suffer from anxiety in the same way that you do, but I find the world out there to be unbearable at times. Makes me crazy and worried and exhausted. You impress me with your ability to make a go of it out in the world while knowing & respecting your limits. Life is balancing act, isn’t it?
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Thank you for your support 🙂
*balances a bit better for it*
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I can so empathize with this. I’m still dealing with a two week trigger that left me to challenge all that I knew to keep going and not fall apart. You know, there were times that I knew that because I had children I had to keep going. It’s because of them that I got out of bed. Whether or not I was a nice person to be around is up in the air. Keep counting those breaths!
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Right? There were many days during deployments when the only reason I got out of bed was for my children.
I’m sorry you’re also under duress with your anxiety as well.
Thanks for your support and encouragement 🙂
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I’ve noticed I don’t have anxiety attacks now that I’m retired, but there has been some upset… one of Mary’s friends told her that she had seen we would need passports as identification to get driver’s licenses. I don’t drive any more, so Mary’s the only driver, and if she can’t get her license we don’t go anywhere… Anyhow, we learn I can mail mine in to be renewed (thanks to a job that sent me out of the country once every ten years), but since she hadn’t renewed hers in over fifteen years, she would have to present herself at a passport facility and get everything in motion. Which she tried to do yesterday, only to wait and wait and wait in the post office, finally deciding that was stupid. Anyway, long story short, she read the requirements for a driver’s license herself and discovered, hey, all she needs is a birth certificate. Saved us almost $500 for passports we’re not going to use…
I hope you’re okay.
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Interesting. I’m glad you don’t have anxiety attacks anymore.
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I could feel the panic in your writing. I’m so sorry about that. It’s good that you have a friend like Tacos, that you can count on. 4-6 hours driving? No, that’s not happening, unless I’m going on vacation.
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Thanks, Dan.
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Oh Joey, I could relate to so much of this, the driving, the dark, the unexpected stops. I hate it how anxiety ruins everything and it is an ongoing battle trying to stop it doing so,
I am so glad that you are starting to feel better again now.
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I’m sorry you can relate. I hope we both have a peaceful weekend. 🙂
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Yes, let’s hope so 🙂
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It stopped me even learning to drive until this year. Passing my test was a minor miracle. It could and sometimes does stop me from doing a lot of things. But it does pass- and that is a consolation. And talking about it makes it feel smaller, cause sometimes it feels like a monster. Thanks for talking about it.
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Oh that is sad, Shea, you must have been terrified to go so long without a license to drive. That must have been awful for you. Yes, I am so glad it passes, even if I get frustrated about missing out now and then. Thanks for sharing.
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I’m sorry your anxiety has been flaring up, but thank goodness for mojitos.
I’ve been having similar issues, but I didn’t have the mojitos. I had tacos, but they didn’t look nearly as good as these do.
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Thanks, and I’m sorry to read that you’re struggling similarly. I hope there are yummy tacos and mojitos in your future 🙂
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I am so sorry you had/have to go through these moments. When the triggers are hit it often starts a vicious circle for me. Thank you for sharing on here. It is comforting somehow to know others go through the feelings I go through. Hope you have a better weekend.
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Thank you, Deb. I’m sorry you have panic loops as well.
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Wow. What a powerful piece. It gives me more of an idea of what Lee goes through and why she never leaves the house. It also makes me feel like an asshole for the times I am short or frustrated with her. I hope you have a better weekend. I know hope isn’t all powerful but sometimes it is all a spectator can offer. Happy Mother’s Day Eve.
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Well, we should all feel like assholes when we get short and frustrated with our mates over things they can’t control. It’s just another aspect of sharing our lives with people — dealing with their CRAP! lol
I’m glad I give you some insight, but I’m still sorry she’s housebound.
I do think this weekend will be peaceful 🙂
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Joey, I can only offer virtual hugs as a solace for your anxiety. Sorry that the past week was not good for you. I sure hope the coming week is better – less anxiety, more happiness! 🙂
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Thanks so much 🙂
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I am down to one Clonazepam during the day for my anxiety, but I take 3 at bedtime for a sleep disorder that is treated with that same medication. Now that I’m down to 1 during the day, anxiety can creep up on me over the simplest things. I grab onto something when the vertigo hits, and just ride it out, with no one knowing what is happening. I’m in high-gear right now, as I have to have a test due to the fact that they found blood in my last test, and now are going to do a more invasive test, which I have successfully ignored the past 6 years. My doctor did mention that, too…..
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Medical testing must have you beside yourself these days. Health issues always do me in. 😦 Avoidance seems natural, but it only heightens the anxiety. I’m sorry you get the vertigo too. I hope your health is fixed up soon. Thank you for sharing. ❤
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I love rum drinks, I order rum collins or rum sours, along with rum and diet coke. I love rum pina coladas, too.
Oh, as far as venting, I could relate to some of yours, Joey. Since this is Mother’s Day, I came by to say hope yours was a great one, or is going on still fun with a barbecue. I received quite a lot of special handmade gifts for which I am very grateful! Take it easy and soak in the family love! ❤
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I like pina coladas and rum collins, too!
I had a lovely Mother’s Day and I’m glad you did too!
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I know for a fact if I didn’t have DD and bills, I would rarely leave the house. I was thrown into a whole new social situation yesterday with very little warning, and the hostess didn’t know we were coming because the husbands arranged it. Talk about anxiety and awkward x kajillion. I went through half a bottle of red wine very quickly.
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Sorry to hear your anxiety has been giving you hell lately, but it sounds like those mojitos might be worth trying. Or maybe a taco-mojito combo to be safe. My psychiatrist started me on two new anxiety meds on Friday, so my anxiety has been an asshole lately, too.
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I’m sorry I’m just now seeing this.
I’m sorry you’re re-adjusting again. Re-re-adjusting? It must be terrible, at times, not knowing if the meds are working their hardest, or if you’re just doing better. Anxiety is so random at times.
I’m tellin you, mojitos are wonderful for me.
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Hopefully this one will be the charm. Indeed it is.
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Dealing with anxiety myself. Your well-writ description had me nodding yes, yes. And yes.
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Sorry to read that, but glad to know you understood.
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You have to watch out with anxiety – I’ve spent the last two weeks in bed because of it. Take care.
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Yes Ma’am. Feel better. ❤
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First-I’m so sorry you’ve been coping with this awful anxiety. Second–I know how you feel, because I cope with it almost on a daily basis ( some days better than others). It always amazes me how it affects me physically–feeling light headed, heart racing, general feeling of wanting to jump out of my skin, etc. I also understand that feeling of being victimized by anxiety. I’m a conscientious person like you, and I feel ashamed or embarrassed when I need to back out of something, because I know I’ll pay for it later both mentally and physically. But, you know what, I’m trying to let some of that go. I’m trying to have more compassion for myself. I’m NOT my anxiety. It’s how I feel, but it’s not who I am, and I’m not going to feel victimized anymore. The other thing is this: our anxiety is part of how we’re wired. I like the positive things about myself, and maybe, those things wouldn’t be a part of who I am if my brain was wired differently. So, I’m accepting the whole package. It doesn’t make those moments or days of anxiety and panic go away, but it does help me to move through them. Just remember how that you have a resilient spirit.
Here’s wishing you better days ahead. 💛xoxo
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First off to you, thank you for taking the time to read such a long post and comment so thoughtfully and openly.
I have had a better week this week. Not quite as good as I was say, over the winter, but definitely getting better.
I am so sorry that you deal with these symptoms as well. Light-headed and spinny can stop me doing a number of tasks, and I hate that, because it takes me so much longer to accomplish my goals. I’m glad you see me as a conscientious person, I’m glad you’re not feeling as guilty as I still am (about missing that graduation.)
You’re right, of course, I would obviously understand my friend’s limits and show her compassion, but we hold ourselves so high, don’t we? We aren’t the diseases we bear, you’re right about that, too. I like to think I’ve let go of a lot of anger and frustration compared to my initial diagnoses, but when I go through times like this, I realize how close to the surface it is, STILL. I like to think this blog is about overcoming, about humor in the face of anxiety, but sometimes, it has to be narratives of a neurotic.
Thank you so much for your well wishes — I send them all back to you! xo
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I think it’s helpful to hear others share similar experiences. It lets us know we’re not alone. 😊
I’m glad to hear that you’ve enjoyed better days lately. For me, anxiety comes in waves. It can be worse if I’m not sleeping well, or if I’m too busy. I also do better with a routine. Although, I really try to put things in perspective and cope, I certainly understand what you’re saying. It’s still difficult. And, there are times that it’s “close to the surface” for me as well. So, that’s why I appreciate your “narratives of a neurotic.” 😉 I think your words have a positive impact! Even when you’re sharing something that’s difficult, the underlying point is that you overcame it and went on to enjoy your life. It is very inspiring. Take care and thank you for your well wishes, too. 😊 xo
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