This post is about *whispers* female stuff. If *whispers* female stuff makes you uncomfortable, congratulations on your penis. It must be nice when your sex organs don’t ruin your life for forty years or so: I suspect that’s why we try so hard to ruin your life when ours are. Wait, I didn’t mean that! Okay, I totally did, and can you bring me some ice cream next time?
Anyway, I think trigger warnings are for pussies (OMG Did you see what I did there?) and I’ve had men scold me for talking about hot flashes, for rejoicing in my hard-won cervical-cancer-free status, so if the mere mention of *whispers* sanitary napkins gives you the heebie jeebies, y’ain’t gonna like this post.
This is not a Nice Lady blog.
The fact that over half of the world’s population is experiencing bleeding genitalia and we’re not supposed to talk about it says a lot about our society. I might could cut you some slack if you’re of a different generation, but here you are on the internet, so clearly you’re adaptable.
My husband has a wife and three daughters, so you should stop cringing and think about how he must feel when for days on end, we all get snippy with him, then cry at the drop of a hat, drop all the hats, cry some more, and fight over the heating pad. The Mister’s only consolation is that he gets to eat red meat and ice cream.
When my insides are coming out you can guess I only give a fuck about my own feelings. I could pretend to care about your feelings if you had brought me ice cream.
The nice thing about reverse puberty is that it only takes 5-15 years.
This is when you realize that the last 31 years of menstrual cycles was, in fact, hardcore training for the day when you would hafta build a dam in your war-torn panties.
I’ve been going with an H formation, but I’m no beaver. (OMG I did it again!)
I still bleed every month. I like most months; it’s like a lil “You’re not pregnant, you’re okay!” postcard from Mother Nature.
But I really only bleeeeeed about every six months now.
Six months of blood in about six days.
The only benefit is that after one of those dreadful bleeeeeeedings, I lose inches dramatically.
So yeah, about every six months the full moon is a blood moon for me. You’d think as a pagan heathen Unitarian I’d feel empowered by this…But I suspect empowerment lies on the other side of this mother-to-crone rite of passage.
You know how you get a cold and you’re like, HOW AM I MAKING ALL THIS SNOT?!?
Yeah, like that, but with blood, which you really kinda need.
The first few days, I’m weak from blood loss. Which sucks, because washing all the clothes I bleed through requires more than pathetic lethargy.
Do you even have two baggies of panties in your purse? Do you wash your hands like a doctor leaving surgery?
I become a walking fucking biohazard of epic proportions.
For a week, I wear black pants and the look of a deer in headlights.
For a week, I go to the bathroom in too frequent a way, which may, to present company, lend curiosity over whether I have a UTI or a drug habit.
I don’t. I’m merely building dams.
I’ve decided to name these periods like the great forces of nature they are:
February 2015 — The Great Flood of 15
July 2015 — Santa Maria
January 2016 — Deadpool
June 2016 — Leviathan
Please feel free to lend your suggestions to the name pool. Rumor has it, this may get worse before it gets better.
But hey, at least I’m not pregnant. Or you know, a man.
joeyfullystated 
Oh man, I hear you!! Peri-menopause SUCKS!! The Deadpool has ceased for me, but now it’s endless surprises all the time. When will it end??? Why can’t we just be like men and get the sudden urge to go out an get a convertible?? Hope your squeamish readers skip the comments too…
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Thank you, I’m glad we can share the empathy.
I loved your convertible reference 🙂
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I’d definitely rather have a convertible than fibroids – and I don’t like convertibles!! Take care – this too shall eventually end…then, bring on the hot flashes!!
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Me too, me too — I already get the occasional hot flash. 😦
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I kinda wanna ask all kinds of personal questions, considering my recent background, but I know you know. So I won’t.
I had major bleeding issues in my early 20s where it didn’t stop. Just never stopped. And it was like major bleeding that kept going and going and going. For months. I finally caved and saw the DR and went through several sets of progesterone pills before it halted. So I feel your pain (well, not anymore, but you get the idea…).
If you lived closer, I’d make you fresh ice cream. Unfortunately, in the current weather situation, I don’t think the ice cream would survive the trip. 😦 But it’s the thought that counts, right??
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I had my hormone levels checked last summer and I got the OK from doc, along with another one of those “Women of a certain age” comments, and that’s nice, but you know, I don’t need this stuff anymore.
I was never normal, but I was closer to normal after babies.
I would say the fresh ice cream thought does count 🙂 Thanks!
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I was regular as hell through my teens and part of my 20s. When I had that one bleeding issue, it was following a regular not-much-bleeding issue. Then after the pills, I was regular again for a little while, then messed up again after that. Never got back onto a regular schedule of any kind and the DRs I saw said I was “fine”…but I WAS bleeding slightly every 30-45 days. I guess when I stopped bleeding but only spotting once a year and the lining got thick is when the problems really started.
Even when I asked about “a certain age” the DR I was seeing at the time blew me off and said I was too young…and said hormone checks were a waste. And that if I lost weight, my cycle would regulate. I lost weight; my cycle got worse. I fired that DR.
My poor ice cream maker is just sittin’ there on the counter, bored. If you ever decide to head east for vacay, let me know and I’ll set you up with the good stuff!
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You poor thing! I’da fired that dr too! It’s not age, it’s about how many periods you’ve had and a lot of other factors. When I get my annual this fall, I will be mentioning this again, of course. You know how I do, I keep hopin they’ll find a reason to undo me. lol
I will definitely let you know if I’m comin for the ice cream. 🙂
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Oh, I hate the cramps and the pain that goes with all that blood loss, plus the inconvenience of having to find a loo every 5 minutes. Still. I think those days will soon be over for me. In a bizarre way I am kind of sad that I am probably not going to be pregnant again!
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We could not be farther apart on this matter, lol! I am done with life giving! 😀
Thank you for your commiseration, Judy.
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You can be as snarky and as snippy as you want. I am too old to get all (fingers in ears) “I can’t hear you.” I have only had to answer to one lady at a time so I can’t imagine your Mister’s situation. So what’s your favorite ice cream?
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Thanks.
I don’t know. I like them all. Probably spumoni, because it’s so rare.
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Spumoni?! OMG – SPUMONI!!!! It’s been soooooo loooooong!
I’m not sure whether to thank you or curse you. It’s going to haunt me now until I find some.
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It’s so hard to find now! 😛
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… maybe if I venture into Little Italy …
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Oh don’t you brag to me about your ever so international hugely populated city, now! 😉 I remember when it was served universally at Italian restaurants. I cannot imagine what happened.
I shall lead a campaign to bring back the spumoni!
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haha! I will support your campaign. Together we will correct this wrong!
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😀
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Damn, you got some good puns in there. I hate to say this, but I completely understand this post. I agree, it would be worse to suddenly grow a penis.
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Right on.
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Oh, yeah, I remember the horror show. Went through all that, then it finally stopped. Then after a year, it started again! Finally had the surgery to end it all for good. Best thing ever! Oh, the baggies of extra underwear, and black pants. Yep. Now, it’s for a different reason, overactive bladder, haha…I feel your pain, and wish you well on your journey to cronedom!
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I’m sorry you remember this dark and soggy time, but happy to know you’ve made it through the journey. I had always planned to have an easy menopause, like my grandmother. This is working out to be like how I’d planned to have my mother’s long, tan legs, LOL!
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Pretty sure the only reason i havent been killed yet by such a thing is because I tend to refer to hot flashes as “Power surges,” and just stay the hell out of the way. Unless you needed my attention? Or a blanket..or, pickles? Would you like me to make you something…?
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Well done. All that is greatly appreciated.
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Yeah, I made it through, and sure don’t miss those heavy, horrible days. I was on the progesterone for awhile, had a D&C, and was offered the surgery long before I did have it. Should have done it back then. Hot flashes were welcome, since it meant an end to it all! Hope it all starts slacking off for you, and in the mean time, I’d say you get dibs on the heating pad! 🙂
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Hehe, thanks!
If they offer me a surgery, they won’t have to finish explaining. I’ll just ask for a gown, I know where the OR is! 😉
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I had the perfect trouble free menopause. No nothing. No hot flashes no spotting no nothing…Just stopped and that was that…I suppose I musta done sumpin’ real good that Jesus liked and he gave me a bonus. lol…
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That is the best argument for Christianity I have ever read! LOL My grandmother was lucky like that, too, and she did love Jesus.
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Blood? What’s all this talk of blood? From where? Really? Are you SURE?
I dunno, but every commercial for feminine hygiene products I’ve seen shows how well those things absorb BLUE WATER.
And what’s this talk of ice cream? You don’t need no ice cream. In those ads they always show how much fun it all is, like y’all should be out celebrating your womanhood through strenuous physical activity like horseback riding and hang-gliding, or mountain biking and kickboxing.
But then again what do I know; after all I’m you know, a man 😛
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I cannot wait to read Joey’s response, but I busted up when I read this. Yeah, those commercials really make you wish you were a woman, don’t they? Sucker!!!
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Yeah, well I suspect you know better than to think we leak the blue water and not at a gentle four-ounce pour, either. I agree with you, I should be kickboxing or flying a kite or something…the ads, THEY LIE!
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Norm, you did good here. Laughed myself silly. 🙂
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Um…
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Just love the way you can be so funny about even the MENOPAUSE- I’m in the club, just waiting for all the horrors to hit. Scary stuff.
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Thanks!
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Joey–this was a riot! I was never ‘regular’ as a young girl. So I missed the monthly day off from work that most of my co-workers managed to snag. Imagine trying to do that now! Ha! And then I stopped early–like early 40’s. Yahoo!!!!! Norm’s response is a riot. What in the heck is that blue water that is supposed to spring from us onto a pad??!!
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I feel like I would deal with leaky blue water differently. Like a Poise pad would do it, hm? I really hope I get out of it in my early 40’s too. Well, the earlier the better. Thanks for sharing, I’m glad you enjoyed it 🙂
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I had a good friend with a wife and 4 teenage daughters…he used to say he opened the door with so much anxiety…never knowing where the rage would surface. ☺ This was a fun read.
I started late at 18, stopped early at 54. Menopause took a while, but was pretty uneventful. So I should probably just walk away from this post……( leaves quietly).
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Wow, I don’t know if I would choose yours over mine. I should be done long before 50, but then, if it didn’t give you grief, well…That’s Nice.
My husband has a vast knowledge in these matters, and I’m certain he wishes he didn’t, but he’s a good sport 🙂
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I had a few years of the not-being-able-to-go-out-pantiesasters and then it just all stopped. Been 2 years this month, actually. Thing is, I live with my 3 male children, 2 neutered male cats, 1 neutered male dog and my best friend is male too. All I can say is, they’re lucky they’re not all neutered.
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AHAHAHA! 😛
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Hey. I have a Mirena. It’s supposed to stop the flow…. yeh right!! I thought that the Mirena and peri-menopause had finally got their act together and it was fantastic! Then the dam walls broke and it was all over red rover (see what I did there?). Now I appear to be almost monthly again – along with the sore boobs, weight gain, bloating and associated trauma! *sigh*
And another *sigh* for effect…
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Gah, Sue. *sigh* Sounds like you’ve staved off reversal for full-fledged womanhood! *sigh*
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Sorry, I got somewhat distracted at the first mention of ice cream and couldn’t focus at all on the rest of the post. Was it important?
Yes please, I would like some ice cream 🙂
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Oh man… I mean, dear. I mean… *throws chocolate*
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I do so remember those times. I had the dam burst every month, like clockwork, and yet I was always unprepared (panties #1 and bedsheet). Thank the Lord, those days are behind me, as is menopause. I won’t tease you with the details.
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Good for you, Karen, one day I’ll join you on the other side of this mess! 🙂
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I may or may not be perimenopausal. I don’t even care. I’m pissed that I have to fool with any of this anymore after having my tubes tied. “They” said most of us have much lighter periods after having children. “They” are a bunch of lying liarfaces.
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ME TOO! Sick of it. And yes, They Are. A bunch of lying liarfaces.
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Reason number 2, 173, 742 that I kiss the ground every day for being blessed with #PenisPower! I’m not laughing at you, but laughing at the hysterical account of women’s biology.
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Mmhm. I’m glad you had a laugh 😀
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So, “There Will Be Blood” is your theme movie basically? 😉
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Uh, I don’t know the movie, but sounds good, sure!
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I LOVE this so much! I don’t have enough capital letters for all the love I’m giving this! Getting your period really friggen sucks. Not just the bleeding but the god awful issues like endometriosis. Which is my body’s way of saying I love you so much I’m going to bleed INSIDE you as well. Thanks body, I hate you. Should I have whispered all of that to protect those with delicate sensibilities, maybe. What do I care? I didn’t get ice cream either…. 🙄 Also you scream that cervical cancer ass kicking from the rooftops, don’t give too hoots about anyone else!
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Thank you, Lisa! I’m so glad you could join us in commiseration. I can’t believe we’re still not eating ice cream! 😛
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I couldn’t hit ‘like’ on this because there is no liking it period (pun intended but not funny I know). 🙂 I can tell you that besides no alarm clock, no conference calls, no meetings, no bosses, no purses that have to match the damn uncomfortable shoes, that no periods is right up there on the list of best things about reaching a more ‘mature’ age that allows you to RETIRE from it all. 🙂
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I can only imagine, Judy! Thanks for sharing what I have to look forward to. 😀
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