One of the perks of having children is that everything old is new again. Like when it’s 2012 and they tell you they want that new BonJovi song “Wanted Dead or Alive.”
At some point this summer, the boy one came over, announcing he was going to make a great new cocktail he’d just heard about, which he said sounded delicious. I was excited and so I asked, “Mmm, what is it?”
“White Russian.”
“Oh. Yes. Very tasty.”
I did not say, Boy I was drinkin White Russians before you were born…I still remember the time Big Michael got up and told me, “If the waitress comes back while I’m gone, tell her I’ll lick her muffin.” Only, he actually said, “I’d like a White Russian,” and bars can be very loud, so it’s a good thing I asked him to repeat that.
At some point, Bubba came in prattling about math, ratios of vodka to Kahlua, and it was math, so I didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about, but he can out-math me with a quarter of his brain, so it didn’t matter, right?
Bubba is an inexperienced drinker, because young.
Bubba gets chatty when he’s been drinkin. This is nice for socially awkward introverts. The alcohol restricts their editorial glitches and they get numb to things they’d usually freak out about.
Gotta be careful though. That same alcohol that allows for lil walls of safe space is the same alcohol that will push emotions through that wall like The Kool-Aid Man, which is exactly what happened.
One minute he was laughin about somethin and the next he was in a rage of trembling tears.
We are unaccustomed to this. Crying Bubba has seldom been seen in the last decade or so. Raging Bubba is rarely spotted. Drunk raging Bubba was unknown to us at all. It was a sorta tender moment, the way it is when your drunk girlfriend starts crying because, “The bartender’s never even had a dog, Joey! Is that not the saddest thing you’ve ever heard in your whole entire life?!”
Err.
While Bubba went to the bathroom I passed through the kitchen, which is when I realized how much vodka he had consumed in a relatively short time, and then I really wished I had paid attention to the math he’d been talkin before.
In vino veritas, or in this case, vodka is a truth bomb.
Bubba kept not coming out of the bathroom, so before bed, we went in there to check on him. Fetal position on the tile, moaning how one does. *sigh* I put a towel under his head and a cup of water within reach.
Here’s the thing about parenting boy ones: You can’t fuss over them too much when they get big. You have to let them be men. I’ve noticed that this involves a lot of balancing between me pretending to be dumb and me being emotionally available.
I couldn’t sleep.
I could only think about Bubba all sad in the bathroom.
I asked The Mister, “He’s alright, right? He’ll be okay, yeah?”
He laughed, “He’ll be fine. You want me to go check on him?”
“OH YES PLEASE! THANK YOU!”
My God, I thought he’d never ask!
The following afternoon, Bubba sat up, moaned, and asked me ever so quietly, “Do you have anything I can take for this?”
LOL LOL OH LOL LOLZ
“Water.”
A while later, “My body is rejecting the water.”
“Try again.”
It turns out, he’d never had vodka before.
Eventually, he told me he thought maybe a nice, relaxing bath would help. I agreed.
And then…
Well, what do you listen to when you take a nice, relaxing bath? Maybe something classical, some blues, a little Enya?
Uh huh.
This is what Bubba listened to during his relaxing bath:
That bout drove me to drink.
Happy Friday Everyone! Do your drink maths properly!
joeyfullystated 
Ahaha, poor Bubba. Unfortunately…that’s a lesson most of us learn the hard way. Until we do it again, of course. Then we re-learn. Kinda like summer school, but different.
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It’s gin that does it to me. Gin and I just don’t get along. I’m fairly certain it took me an entire summer to realize that!
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Love me some white russian. But my MO is to fall asleep after just one. Sometimes I might feel woozy and THEN fall asleep, but that’s it. After reading this I’m kinda glad alcohol doesn’t truth-bomb me or break down any walls or numb my editor.
Also, I don’t really drink much because my reaction to anything I enjoy drinking of an alcoholic nature is sleepiness. 🙂
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I bet if you drank half a liter of vodka in a few hours you might get different results
Not that I recommend that!
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Maybe, but no thanks! LOL
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You have chosen wisely 🙂
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I love that story!! Don’t be too hard on his choice of music; I am 48, and Metallica is STILL my happy music. You sound like a great mom. 🙂
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Haha, thanks! I am not hard on his choice of music, I’m just shocked it could RELAX him! lol 🙂
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LOL hahahaha bawaaaaaaaaaa. So hilarious. I usually do my drink maths ok, but a couple of months ago I made a mistake and didn’t feel good. But not like THAT. All I can say is that I just had the flu this past week and I felt a lot better than Boy Vodka Flu did.
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Oh boy. Well I had the damned flu too, still sound like a monster, lol, but yeah, better than THAT! 😛
Feel better Luanne. I’m over on your page lookin for the code she gave me to save monies…
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OK enjoy and get better!
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Oh, I remember White Russian drunks (plural times being drunk, not people, well people too, no offense) – those are awful. These days, I never mix hard liquor and liqueurs.
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Youd be surprised at what some of us listen to to chill..especially when our brains are all “ILL KILL YOU.” 😛
Poor Bubba tho. Such an innocent one. I had a life changing experience with a bottle of Everclear shortly after my Bday. Scary stuff it was. Im still leery of hard liquors.
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Ah yes, family time and holidays. I have many of those stories.
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Well it was over the summer, and not holiday at all, but I can see why the holidays might spark these sorta things. 😛
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I don’t do drink maths very well myself. Yesterday I was introduced to whiskey sours and by 3 pm I was ready for a nappy pie!
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Ahaha! It sounds like your weekend is off to a good start 🙂
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Hahaha! Vodka can be such a bitch. I hate booze math. Sam will go on about the proof and the percentages and crap to eventually tell me that each of my big cup drinks are equal to four beers and that I’m a lush.
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I think I lika drink with you 😉
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Aw Mom. I think you handled it quite well. As for his music I think the song he picked was on point. The way I see it is that Vodka; being of Eastern European origin; needs a loud, raucous song to cure its hangovers. Preferably with a touch of darkness. I think every alcoholic drink has its own special music. Sweet post. Happy Friday.
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Haha! I like yer brain, Benson 🙂
Happy Sunday to you now!
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Vodka has a way of sneaking up quickly. Don’t ask how I know 😉
We had a moment a few days ago when the boys told me how much they liked the song “Intergalactic”. As if they had just discovered it! I was like, “I’ve been trying to get you to listen to the Beastie Boys for about 5 years!”
We haven’t made it to the math to alcohol ratios yet!
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Oh boy, that music thing is dramatically annoying. The stories we could share!
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Hahaha! Vodka Flu!! … I’ve never heard of that one before, but I have ‘a bit’ of familiarity with its consequences 😉
Ah! Good times. There is the Mommy conflict of feeling like a terrible mom for failing to recognize what was/could happen vs providing a safe environment where our kids could ‘learn by failure’.
Glad Bubba’s intro to White Russians was in the latter!
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Yes. You said it.
I’ve heard him say things about not mixing stuff now. Beer seems to sit well with him. I think he’s a beer guy.
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I kinda like that music, but maybe not with a hangover, Enya is definitely more like it. 😉 Poor Bubba. My Rachael drank once on her 21st birthday and got soooo sick. She was at home drinking, so I was thankful for that, but omg I was scared to death that she had alcohol poisoning or something, it was awful. She never drank again after that, the mere smell of alcohol makes her queasy.
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I understand your concern!
Yeah, I don’t know under what condition that music would relax me…
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Anything other but giggles for this, it’s too fresh on my mind, no matter how many decades pass. Alkaseltzer is the answer. And I know you have it over there because one time I woke up under the Christmas tree in San Francisco (pardon, it was on the other bank… hm… Oakland!) after a hard night of showing to the Americans how to drink, and then I couldn’t believe my eyes as I spotted Alkaseltzers on the shelf. Also, “Avenger Sevenfold” always sounded groovy as the name of the band and now I could hear them too. Thanks for that. Brave choice. (Right… it’s not “Avenger”).
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I have never been the kind of hungover that he was. I cannot imagine the suffering. A little water and some food, and I’m good to go.
Glad you liked the music 🙂
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I usually am patient with drunken family members. Definitely think pay attention to the math! I had an ability to consume so much more while younger but do get silly after two drinks and sleepy (unless dancing or watching karaoke) after three. . . Eating bread and mashed potatoes helps before drinking,no empty stomach drinking. You are such a fantastic Mom, Joey! 🙂
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Haha! I will not even comment on my drunken family members.
I don’t have the tolerance I used to, that’s fersure!
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One of the reasons that I don’t drink now, is that I just can’t deal with the hangovers! Especially as they would take 2 days to go as I got older! I reckon I would need about a week to get over a hangover before I could listen to that track! 🙂
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omg, all of this. Just ALL of this. “Lick her muffin” to introverted drinkers (hello pot, meet kettle) to the balance between dumb/emotionally available…crying, I’m laughing so hard…
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😀
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