Everything was so much easier to ignore when I was sick. I’d think, lawd, it’s the plague, i’m dyin… but I’d tell myself “It’s just anxiety, Joey.”
GUESS WHAT?
It’s still anxiety.
Anxiety has come in the form of I don’t wanna.
My rapid breathing, I don’t wanna.
My racing heart, I don’t wanna.
My tingling and numbness, I don’t wanna.
My banded head, I don’t wanna.
I have anxiety every time I leave my house because I have anxiety disorder. Rarely, I have a legit reason for anxiety, like icy roads or “Dammit, who has my tights?!” But I have it every single day and I go anyway, because once I get in the car, that anxiety is done, and then I only have driving anxiety. I don’t have anxiety at work, because my brain has other things to do there. Now and again I’ll have dread about a particular phone call I’ve had to make every day for 2 months, but someone finally shot that albatross yesterday, so that’s nice. Anyway, I have anxiety every day and while I grab my stuff and close the crate and put on my shoes, I actually say, “I hate this time of day,” as I shake and sigh, but I go cause I know I’ll be okay when I get there.
I don’t wanna go out there today.
I don’t wanna leave my cat. Look at her. She needs me.
I don’t wanna go to the post office. If I don’t, my mother will not receive her package by the weekend, and I gotta say, as slow as her mail runs, and as early as her community closes, I don’t have much faith anyway, because I have stood in line at the post on umpteen occasions only to be disappointed. I drove by the post office last night and there wasn’t any room to park, which made sense once I saw the line to the double doors. I couldn’t stop, cause I had to watch my girls orchestra in concert and we all know anxiety hates to be late and it can’t bear mommy guilt.
I don’t wanna get dressed. Hmm, a bra, a blouse, and slacks and shoes OR this 100% cotton shirt that’s three sizes too big??? How’s that for a choice?
I don’t wanna do my hair. The face spiders were fierce last night and I do believe the only thing I can do is burn the nest down to twigs with the straightening iron.
(That photo is special for janet)
I don’t wanna drive. People are on vacation now and they think it’s perfectly acceptable to come out of their houses in the afternoon and bustle about, when everyone knows only truckers, retired people, and mommies are supposed to be out and about in the afternoon. If you can imagine these people like to drive on the same roads I do, eat at the same places I do, and THEY ALL GO TO THE POST OFFICE, apparently.
I could work. I am basically drowning in work. I have one of those jobs where when you leave, your work waits for you… nay, the files actually reproduce when they’re unattended. Thanksgiving weekend, a day off, I can hear them giggling and making smooching sounds when I leave. So work would be fiiine (with crazy hair and pajamas and via the teleportation device) if the work would simply stop and let me catch up a bit, hm?
I don’t wanna buy things to cook on the weekend. Everyone should just eat cookies and Hey! frozen goat cheese pizzas!…well, okay, I could probably heat up rolls, or Sassy could, but I’m the mama and that makes me the food dispenser. Honestly, most nights, I don’t mind dispensing the food, but I hate shopping for it. All morning I have willed a small pig to come ring the doorbell and die on the porch, but all I got was the UPS man and he looked plenty healthy.
But I don’t wanna stay home, see, cause at home there’s stuff to do and I don’t wanna. Throw pillows thrown all over the living room (it’s right in their name) linens in the dryer, spots on the sink, leaves by the back door, pine needles by the front door. I don’t wanna.
I don’t wanna wrap any more presents.
I wanna escape adulthood and go back to some December Tuesday in the 80s where we sucked on candy canes at story time until our teeth were red, when we made glitter cards for our parents and played multiplication bingo and foursquare.
Drinking also sounds good.
Do people drink mojitos in the winter? Is that gauche? Is it gauche like regifting something expensive, or gauche like leaving the Christmas lights up til May?
Do you wanna or don’t wanna?
Either way, I gotta and I’m leavin early.
joeyfullystated 
i don’t wanna either. my anxiety has eased a bit since we got water running again, so at least there is that. ,
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLike
I feel ya! I don’t wanna, either. Anxiety sucks! I so get what you’re saying about leaving the house. Once I’m in the car, I feel fine. But, getting out of the house is like an act of congress. 🙄 I laughed out loud at your line about waiting for a small pig. You’re hilarious! I would send you a sheep, but they’re my pets. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ahaha! Terrible, I know, but I don’t eat lamb when it can be avoided. I think The Mister eats my share 😉
Act of congress is right! 🙂
The break is coming!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂 🐑
LikeLike
Don’t wanna.
It suuuuuuuuucks. I get all of it. You can’t PAY me to go to a post office between Nov 1 and Jan 31st. Around here, we have Staples stores where they not only do UPS but they do USPS packages. I make Hub go when it is required. Even then, it can be a pain in the ass during the above time-frame.
I know the anxiety dance and I’m sorry you’re an unwilling partner. I wish for all of us to stamp that sucker down until it’s flat like Stanley. I don’t know what good that would actually do because anxiety never really seems to go away, but it’d probably make us feel better temporarily.
*HUGS*
LikeLiked by 1 person
*HUGS*
I left early, drove to the post, could not fathom the parking lot and line again. Went ahead to work, got a lot done, worked late, went to the post on the way home, and unbelievably, I was third in line, like any ol Tuesday.
Three more days.
I really like the Flat Stanley example 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Third in line! Outstanding! Must be magic… Glad you got your gifts in the mail. I hope they get to your Mom on time.
And I hope you have a wonderful weekend snuggling with your family. It sounds like a great way to spend the holiday!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I really do think it was magic 🙂
Thank you.
The woman at the post said despite Priority Mail, expected arrival is Saturday. Since the community office will be closed Saturday, I let my mother know it will probably arrive Tuesday. I’d like more magic, but dammit, I tried.
The weekend will be beautiful and wondrous, but right now it seems far.
Thanks again ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Also, Flat Stanley. HAHA 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hear ya.
For me its the pressure of everything that tends to build up between thanksgiving & new years. Even if there is “no pressure,” its there, and its working at full torque. Thing is, Im usually best when under pressure. But Im not nice about it. I get the job done.
Except this time of year. I hates it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ugh. I’m sorry you hate it. I don’t usually hate it. I’m not sure exactly what it is this year, maybe from losing so much time to sick?
You know what bothers me? The pressure of no pressure. Who are these people kidding?
I really enjoyed your text today, that was a nice surprise 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Right?? No pressure. Wtf ever. *Chews Valium*
I miss our chats on your way home..& skype. Maybe after the Xmas we can chat soonish?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Me too. Maybe chat, probably not Skype. Things should die down soon.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s winter – you can drink whatever you want!! (PS: I would say the same thing about summer…and spring…and fall…)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, thank you! I hoped SOMEONE would answer the important question! 🙂
LikeLike
My highest anxiety comes in the passenger seat of car…which I had to do yesterday, driven by the kid, who up until 10 minutes before had been sick in bed for the past 24 hours.
Drinking sounds like a good plan! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Phew! Amy, I hear ya! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Here you go, enjoy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6UFhis2xMQ
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. That was bizarre. As a person who spent two decades in front of MTV, I do not know how I missed that!
LikeLiked by 1 person
One of the most underrated songs of all time. I loved their videos back in the day too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I worry about all that stuff, too. Much nicer to stay at home, but can’t always do that. Have learned to glue a smile on my face, breathe deeply, walk out the door– and get stuff done. I love a sense of accomplishment so often times that’s what gets me going. “I think I can, I think I can…”
LikeLiked by 1 person
Mmhm. That little engine is ever-inspirational! 🙂
LikeLike
Feel the fear … then do it anyway. That’s been my mantra. It’s pulled me through a lot of tough spots including driving through a white-out snowstorm last week. A 30 minute drive became an hour and a half. And yes, alcohol was consumed when I finally got home.
I am heartened to hear that someone like you who loves to cook has days when you can’t bear pulling a meal together. That’s me most days. Oh, but to be a child again – especially at this time of year.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I let fear (knowing my limits, I call it) keep me from doing a lot, but I’m not going to let it keep me from LIVING.
I know what you mean about the white-out drives. Those can shake me up right good. Flooding, too.
Yeah, I love to cook, but not always. Take-home flautas were on the menu tonight! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
In general I am a wanna kind of guy. Such a cute kitty. I am sure he would love to cuddle with you all day. I wish a suckling pig would crawl onto my porch all cooked and crisp. I am sure it is cool to drink mojitos any time of the year.
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLike
❤ Well done for sparing the postman.
You are helping me understand close people. Thank you.
I don't know the word 'gauche' but I like it already. (Except something in French?)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Gauche is literally left in French, but we use it to mean uncouth, tacky, improper, impolite.
I went to the post tonight, not a bad line at all. I was soooo fortunate! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t have anxiety but I still don’t wanna. I don’t wanna because I’m tired, I got the tireds. And I’ve been sick. So I’m about wanna’d out.
But I’ll get there, so will you. Merry Christmas!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh bummer.
I’m sorry you’ve been sick and tired. Ugh. That’s not part of the magic of the season, is it?
We will get there!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Come on, January !
LikeLiked by 1 person
😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
your cat is beautiful, mojitos all year long, and your hair looks like mine in the morning! At which point my husband looks at me and says, “I love your hair.’ Aww-wwwww. yeah.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I tell you what, we hafta hold on to these men who love our bedheads. ❤ *offers you a mojito*
LikeLiked by 2 people
agree! **happily accepts mojito**
LikeLiked by 1 person
😀
LikeLike
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Joey! My favoritest Christmas present so far this year. 🙂 I don’t suffer from anxiety most of the time, although there are sometimes a few things that I just can’t seem to make myself do, as much as they may need doing, but of course, I eventually do them. Mojitos are fine any time of year. In the summer, we make non-alcoholic ones at the tea shop, with mojito tea substituted for alcohol but all else the same. Quite refreshing.
I wanna give you an anti-anxiety hug in person, but I can’t, so I’ll give you a virtual one and I wanna you to enjoy Christmas and you are so ordered to do so.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Joey)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
janet
LikeLiked by 1 person
Haha, I’m glad you enjoyed it 😀 Mojito tea?!? Oh my goodness, I wanna get in on that!
Thank you, I will have a merry Christmas, I will — just gotta get there!
LikeLike
We have people who wait each year for it to get warm enough for us to make the green tea mojitos. 🙂 This year is a bit busier because of my part time job, so I’ve chosen to do a few less things so that it doesn’t get to crazy. It will still be a bit busy, but the good, Christmas time busy-ness.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Bit like how I look forward to the caramel brulee lattes at the Starbucks, hm? Sounds lovely, really. I will investigate this..and tell my son, he loves tea and mojitos, too!
Always choose happy busy-ness 😀
LikeLike
Here’s our website: http://www.sereneteaz.com/. If you watch the moving photos, when you get to the photo of the workers, I’m second from the right. 🙂 Here’s the link for the mojito tea.
As for coffee drinks, I really like a Starbucks mocha every so often and they used dark chocolate!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well that’s neat! I guess the mojito tea’s not on there right now, but there’s tea for Pitta and that’s fab.
I will check it out again when I can shop for myself (and the boy one) 🙂
LikeLike
The mojito tea is there. Maybe I didn’t get link right. Just put “mojito” in the search box at the top and you’ll find it. I just re-stocked it on the shelf today, so I know it’s there and on the website.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I wish I could reach out there and make all these things go away, seem fine or be done.
I don’t worry about stuff, but I don’t wanna drive with people who shouldn’t be on the road at this time, in this place or anywhere near me. The Post Office has let me down huge. A package that shoulda been delivered last week is missing 😦
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’d like it if you waved your magic wand, I would 🙂
That’s terrible about your package. Is it one you sent, or one you’re meant to receive? I have had similar experiences. Some were resolved years later, arriving in tattered shreds, but not all have. Moo’s costume 2013, for instance. Somewhere in postal space, a little boy’s 3-D birthday card lingers…and he’s 14 now.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s one we sent to a friend in England. It usually takes 6-10 days. One time, it sat in Customs for 3 months.
I’ll give the magic wand a try.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh that’s sucky.
I hope it shows up earlier than expected.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh! And my English friend got his card in 6 days, too. Which is faster than my parents card got to them in Florida. Mailed same day. 😦
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s crazy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I KNOW!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t wanna take a shower. When anxiety hits (a lot) I don’t think anything is more difficult to do than climb in the tub and clothes the curtains. Usually I can push myself if necessary, but it ain’t easy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Understood. I usually shower or bathe before bed because the act of having to do all that (wet, cold, moisturizer, takes 4 hours for my hair to dry) before I leave is just kindling for the anxiety fire.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow. That would be stressful
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, my church is having a Solstice service tonight and I wanna go but I don’t wanna GO. I wanna BE THERE and then BE HOME, but I don’t wanna drive the dark country roads there and back. Because anxiety.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh I know that story. It’s dear to my heart. I wanna go without going.
We hardly ever go to services anymore, because, I kid you not, they have a webcast now.
God bless the UU church and its progressive style.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I feel this so much !!! Last two months are basically birthday and wedding and festival months rolled in one. You have me with my glass of wine..
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh my! Well I hope you’re getting a nice break soon 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t experience excessive anxiety like you describe, but I know a few people who do. One of my daughters in fact is extremely anxious. Especially around the holidays. So I make it as easy as possible for her. The least outside events the better she feels. Nothing unplanned and sudden. She is doing much better now that she is a little older. But it can be hard to live through these moments of panic. I wish you a peaceful weekend and a lovely Christmas.
Also it’s okay to drink any drink you wish at any time of the year. It’s like white jeans. I wear them yearlong.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank goodness you’re understanding about your daughter’s anxiety. I’m glad you make concessions for her. Very sweet. Thank you for reading Evelyne 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Just a few more days and things will die down, right? RIGHT?! That’s what I keep telling myself. I’ve been taking Klonopin around the clock lately to try to stay sane enough to get through this holiday. I’m excited about it and love it, but planned way too damn much and am losing my mind over getting things done. And, after losing my mind, I agree to bake two more chocolate cakes and a cheesecake tomorrow on top of the other stuff. Wtf is wrong with me? Three more days and we can breathe. (Sorry I vented on your post.)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Always feel free to vent on my posts 🙂
I don’t know wtf is wrong with you, I could say you’re outta your mind on Klonopin or that you’re stupid, BUT I think it’s more likely that wtf’s wrong with you is called generosity of spirit ❤
By the by, thank you for the lovely card 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nah, couldn’t be that 😉 You’re welcome! I hope the smell traveled 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I feel ya on the anxiety front, hon! We did four months without drinking and we finally broke down and had a beer on December 1. My anxiety was pretty much out of control by that point and I realized I had become a workaholic. I was depending on work to keep my mind busy, then I got super burnt out. Even with all the yoga and meditation over here, it’s still tough to beat a delicious drink and good conversations/lazy downtime. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Right on. Balance, ever seeking balance!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have anxiety as well. Feels like it is taking over my life. I enjoyed reading.
LikeLike
If you don’t mind I shared!
LikeLike
I don’t mind, of course, and thank you 🙂
LikeLike
Can totally relate to this post! There are so many things I want to do, but don’t really want to do at the same time. I spend more time thinking about how much work, time, energy, strength something will take to do, than it would actually take to just do it. The post office example really got me. Sometimes I have to encourage myself for a good week about going to the post office! Anxiety can definitely transform if you don’t stay on top of it. Thanks for sharing your experience!
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing your own feelings. I appreciate your visit and comment. 🙂
LikeLike
I don’t wanna, awesomely said. 2 👍up. 👏👏😊
LikeLike
Thank you.
LikeLike
People DEFINITELY drink mojitos.
By people I mean me, and by winter I mean all the time.
Great post! I can relate to a lot of it, it’s so bittersweet finding people going through similar feelings!
LikeLike
Thanks so much 🙂
LikeLike