Being a total comfort creature of habit, my weekly lunches don’t vary much. Either I stop for nuggets and a yogurt at homophobic chicken, I stop at Pandaspress for black pepper chicken, or I eat yogurt and fruit and stuff.
Last week, I was on my way to nuggets when I realized I had to poop with such an urgent intensity that I could not drive another block north, so I stopped at Panera. I’m not a fan. I’ve eaten there maybe five times in ten years. But y’all, I had to stop there! Had to! Mercy, I was grateful for that restroom!
The line was merely one lady long when I left the restroom. oh what the hell, do somethin different, joey, you’re already here, may as well. So I got behind the lady and we waited for the cashier to return.
In the meantime, a man carried a toddler child to the lady, “She’s makin me crazy. You go back and sit with her and I’ll order.”
“Just leave her with me.”
The child reached for the lady, locked her legs around her waist and they shared love-yous. I already wanted to give that man a good what for, but it got worse.
Apparently, he’d never looked at their menu.
> Cue the music <
A whole new woooorld…
Much oohing and aahing. He started asking the lady questions about the food. I clock-watched (:40) and I wanted to hit him.
The lady said to him, “I’m ordering chicken avocado. I always get you chicken avocado. You like chicken avocado.”
But he was so overwhelmed with the menu, he would never settle for chicken avocado.
Finally the cashier returned (:42.)
The lady ordered and the man began.
“What’s a baguette?” he asked.
I thought the lady might hit him. She turned to him, eyes wide, and without blinking, flatly stated, “Bread.”
“Why would I want bread with a sandwich?”
because it’s panera, you dolt! you’re at panera! it’s all about bread! pan is right in the fucking name!
He asked the cashier a series of questions, changed his order more than once. I clocked-watched (:46) i coulda shit my pants, gone home, showered, and come back by now! just listen to your wife and let her order you the chicken avocado, man!
I had a right mind to tell him he was makin both of us crazy and to go sit down.
“I don’t know,” he turned to the lady, “Would I like it warmed?”
oh for fuck’s sake.
It was my turn (:49) but the cashier had gone away again.
Finally, I ordered.
Roasted turkey raised without antibiotics, Vermont white cheddar, fresh apple and cabbage slaw, arugula and mustard horseradish sauce on Cranberry Walnut Bread.
Sounds nutritious, doesn’t it?
It’s ridiculously good. It’s especially good when you eat the other half the next day. It’s the kinda good where when stuff slides out, you pick up every speck and eat it.
My plan this week was to leave early enough to stand in line at Panera and order two of those sandwiches, so I could eat a half every day of the week.
But it gets better!
They have rapid pick-up. You order, you drive over and voilà! So that’s what I did on Tuesday. I rapid ordered online for all week’s sammiches.
Oh Sammich, I love you!
Sadly, I was surprisingly hungry yesterday, ate the whole damn thing AND the pickle. Now I’m back to yogurt and raspberries. But I’ll go back, I’ll totally go back, because I’ve fallen in love with a sandwich.
Happy Friday Everyone!
Just Jot It January brought to you by LindaGHill
joeyfullystated 
I haven’t been in a Panera in years. They’re everywhere, but like you, I seem to end up behind the most confused customers on earth– and I regret the whole experience. However, that sammie looks and sounds delicious so maybe I should get over my sweet self and go to one again.
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Maybe. I recommend you use the rapid pick-up, or at least the drive-thru. It doesn’t make me like them more, it’s more like this sammich is their one redeeming quality or somethin.
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I shouldn’t have read this at lunch time. Looks delish!!
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It really is. I wish I still had another half.
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Get me one while you’re out. 😉
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Maybe next week 🙂
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There is nothing like discovering a new favorite food thing. I get very frustrated behind people who get into line and then ask silly questions. Then I feel bad. I think, maybe he’s from another country. Maybe he has issues. But when he’s with someone and refuses to accept their help, I just go with the frustration. For the record, I made four little sandwiches for lunch today from some leftover beef thing and a Pita that I cut into 4ths. Yum!
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I’m glad you have your sandwich needs taken care of today 🙂
This man was one of those people who probably does that sorta thing everywhere he goes. He gave me the rage. He was not from another country, he didn’t ask about food allergens — but I get what you mean.
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I try, but I usually don’t succeed. I was at the bar next to a guy last week who ordered a glass of wine, but he wanted the bartender to leave the little carafe thing. Then he asked for a glass of water and a separate glass of ice. I was like: “I just want a beer. One glass, full of beer. Can you get me that and them set up his little tea party?”
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LMAO! The fussy people. I get it. I was once behind a fussy woman at McDonald’s of all places, she wanted things I didn’t even know they offered and a half-full large drink of some sort. I came to assume she had a mixer in her car.
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Was talking to a bartender friend on day. He ranted for a long time about the “millennials” and what they would order. It was so funny and he was so serious.
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Glad they didn’t have a “No Public Restrooms” sign!
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Me too, Nan, thanks! 🙂
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In Sacramento we have a place called Dad’s Sandwiches. After years of sandwiches for lunch, I’m a fairly jaded eater. As in, absolutely no sandwiches on weekends! Except for Dad’s. OMG, those have made me a true believer.
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I think sandwiches are good on any day, at any time, but I’ve never eaten at Dad’s 🙂
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Laughed pretty hard reading this. Well done Joey. Loved it!
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Thank you 🙂
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OMG! This post wandered all over the map, but I loved it. It’s so true to life, my life at least.
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Right? Thanks 🙂 These things do happen.
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Glad to know you have an edible panda express to eat at the one here sucks balls, they fuck up fried rice. I might have to give Panera another shot after this glowing rendition :).
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I SO related to ALL of this post! That restroom need that hits with a passion and leaves you in such a hurry to get to that relief that you could punch anyone in the way of said goal. Add the conflict of needs (Hunger or exhaustion) and one loses all control! Of course, that is when saints choose to challenge our patience. But the rewards, in this case, sound equal to that challenge. Never ate at Panera but that sandwich is making me hungry and I just ate! Fun post!
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Thanks 🙂
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Drooling on the keyboard. When I go to Panera, I always stand back behind a divider and read the menu, to avoid being That Guy. Otherwise, I would totally be. And then there are the pastries and take-home-a-loafs. Loaves. You know.
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That’s how you’re supposed to do it, wherever you go. You gawk and ooh and aah and decide BEFORE you get in line. (Exception: The line is so long you know you’ll have plenty of time.)
I believe ordering two sammiches qualifies for a free bakery item, as I was offered one. I had an oatmeal raisin cookie.
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Maybe you were offered one because you had to put up with That Guy.
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LOL no, it was offered with rapid pick up — no guy that day. That’s the way for me to do it. Try to control my rage 😉
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That’s my almost-ex-SIL who would be that guy. If you live in Seattle, I am sorry if you are standing in line behind her. Or at the table next to her with the same waitress. Then again, I’m not sorry she’s in Seattle because it means she’s no longer here. 🙂
I’m glad you had a place to get to a restroom tout suite. I know that feeling. And I’m also glad you discovered some yummy sammies! I’m the same way with lunch…same thing every day. It’s just easier to not have to think about it!
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Oh boy, and all these people are moving to Seattle like they don’t even know your ex-SIL is there! lol
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It might be the wine talking (it’s happy hour, doncha know) but this is an exquisite post.
“…pan is right in the fucking name!” – I peed myself, a little.
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Thanks 😀
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That bloke sounded a right knob!!! Your sandwich though sounded delicious 😆
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I’d go out of my way to use their bathrooms…reliably well maintained. But also the “pan” and their soups…the only ones I’ve found that are close to homemade. The sandwich looks great. They now have arugula in an “ancient grains” salad that is worthy of its name. Yet, still not sure how to ID all those grains ??? 💗
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I do recall the restroom was nice, but it could’ve been a bucket and I’da been glad 🙂
I never order salads as entrees at restaurants…You’re such a good girl! 😛
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The draw is the arugula…unique taste I enjoy, but never buy for myself at home. ☺
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Well I understand that, because I buy it for a soup, and the only way I can get it year-round is in a box of other greens. In the summer, I can just buy a bundle, but in the winter, I gotta treasure hunt it from the box.
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“A Whole New World” is from “Aladdin,” right?
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It is! But you’re the only one to mention it. I felt like this guy was more of a Pocahontas 😉
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Aww Sammichs. So easy to fall in love with. As for the ass hat in line I can’t imagine any woman would have him.
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It was terrible. She can do better. lol
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It’s so wonderful when we discover something we really enjoy. That sammich looks fabulous–such a great combination of flavors!
Happy Weekend! 🙂
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Happy Weekend!
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Thank you!
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Ah, the sweet halcyon delight of new love! I’m very happy for you both. #joeyandhersammichsittinginatree
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NomNom! 😛
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Mmmmm…..love sandwiches, love Panera. BBQ Chicken salad is my go-to, but then so is the BBQ chicken flatbread. Sensing a theme here?
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I do. 🙂
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Okay, my kids were too old for Disney when Pocahontas came out. But I suppose the ‘Colors of the Rainbow’ doesn’t quite fit the situation? If that is the song. Flavors of the Rainbow?
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LOL I don’t know. I never liked Pocahontas, which is why I feel like the guy was Pocahontas-like and not Aladdin-like.
All the colors of the wind? I think that’s it.
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Aladdin would have grabbed and run! Pocahontas just stands there staring. You’re right in the description! We call ’em as we see ’em! LOL!
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🙂
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Guarantee you were hungry because you’d emptied your body before burning calories waiting in line. I know the Mister appreciated the love you gave him now that you know there are idiots out there and you’re not married to one. I want to think someone in the spirit world affected your tum-tum just so you’d have a great sammich and something to write about.
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Hah! Well I guess I’m alright with all your feelings, because I don’t have better answers. I knew there were idiot men out there in my 20s, but I sure thought they’d outgrow it! This guy was at least my age.
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Omigod! Are you so thankful for that well-timed poop or what? Aside from that annoying guy, anyway. Yay for new finds!
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“Homophobic Chicken”?
What the…?
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It’s an American thing. The restaurant is Christian and anti-gay.
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Ah, ok. I assume you boycott them, then?
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I don’t. Many people do. I don’t like the policy, but I do like their chicken. At least they practice what they preach, but I’m not advertising for them. It takes all kinds. They do them, I do me.
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Fair enough
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Did you SoCS today?
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On Saturday? Don’t be silly, hahaha
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I usually apply a fairly liberal translation to the final “S” in SoCS.
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First, I woulda clubbed that douche bag with the baguette. Secondly, while I want to hate Panera, I simply cannot. Their broth bowls are amazeballs. What keeps me from their tastefully decorated doors? First, the cost. Holy moly. I’ve been to restaurants with linen napkins that cost less. Secondly, the douche bag factor. I just can’t.
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Yes. Did you know a large sweet tea at Panera is $2.09?!? Well, I’ll have you know it comes in a cup that might be disposable, but I used it all week. I got swate tay at home, tyvm!
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I could have swallowed this at one go – it looks THAT good! And no wonder you were hungry, having to wait and listen to the weirdo would have whetted my appetite!
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My husband is awful about ordering, too. He’ll mull over what he wants for 10 minutes (at the table), then when the waitress comes he’ll have all the questions then change his order twice. It pisses me off to no extent.
That sandwich looks yummy!
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Oh lawd, The Panera. I have a hard enough time with the menu, nonfoodies (and by that I mean people with extraordinary decision making difficulty or, say, the tendency to be overwhelmed by bread) should not be allowed anywhere NEAR a Panera line.
While ordering can give me anxiety (so many CHOICES, so many YUMMY THINGS) it is totally worth it. Sandwiches are awesome…soups are the bomb, too.
Oh, plus the indoor plumbing. That’s always a bonus. 😉
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Their menu can be a bit confusing but good food. I like to try new places with my daughter. She knows what the different names mean. 🙂
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