Notes on Fictional Business

Posted on February 21, 2017 by joey

Do y’all have notes at work?

these-hilarious-office-notes-make-work-worth-going-to-7

funny, but not what i mean

This is a thing. Like when you call the cable company, and you’re all, “My upstairs DVR doesn’t record channel 5,” and the guy says “Mrs. Mottern, we apologize for any inconvenience this has caused you and we will send you a new DVR overnight. You will receive your new DVR tomorrow. I’ve noted your account. Are you ready for the confirmation number?”

Cable Guy could be over there thinkin I’m an idiot bitch, and who the hell watches channel 5? — but he’s definitely not typing that in his notes.

 
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Mr Hugh made an impromptu visit to the office for a thirty-five minute complaint about the weather. He believes we should work harder and faster to fix it. I informed Mr Hugh that the weather is equally important to us, and his best interests are also our best interests. I assured him we’re doing our very best to establish a clear path to sunshine. I showed him the lightning rods and cisterns we’ve installed as well as the sunglasses we’ve purchased for sunny days. I told him as soon as we’re in receipt of sunshine, I will send it out to him. After receiving his complimentary sunglasses, Mr Hugh was pleased and sends his best.

 

 

Woodchuck called to express appreciation for the sawdust we forwarded. He believes he could develop a greater relationship with our office. For our mutual benefit, he’s willing to chuck five, maybe even six logs at a time. He’d like a more exclusive agreement, and he has business cards.

Sent Symbiotic Relationship Contract and business cards to Woodchuck.

 

 

Jonas at Crooks n’ More called to inquire on the status of the fire and to offer his support in the burning. He asked what accelerants we’ve chosen. I informed him I’m not at liberty to discuss our choices. I suspect he will still bring his largest water hose.

 

 

Meeting with Ms Jones was strained. I scanned all of her pictures and asked her to sign our truthbook. I made a point of explaining we can only use original photos. She insists they are all hers, but nevertheless, she did remove the ones from magazines. I explained scrapbooking can take some time. She nodded along, but I think Ms Jones will require regular updates. I pointed out payment is due in full at the time of receipt, and went over the pricing. She was shocked at the expense of embossing and acid-free stickers and asked that we use staple guns and glitter glue instead. I assured her she will be pleased with the final product, regardless of cost. She signed our truthbook. I gave her some stationary and a fluffy blue pen as a token of our appreciation.

 

if_you_cant_say_something_nice_say_it_nicely_200

You see?

What is noted:

Per our September 24, 2016 request for orange juice, Maureen informed me she did, in fact, receive our oranges and juicer, but she didn’t know what to do with them. She said that the employee who knows what to do with them comes in on Wednesdays so she will mention the oranges and the juicer to her then. I told Maureen I would send shiny new oranges.

Sent Maureen shiny new oranges via Priority Mail
Tracking number XXXX XXXX XXXX XXXX XXXX XXXX XXXX XXX XX

 

What I thought: 

I sent this bitch oranges four fuckin months ago and she’s just been sittin on her lazy ass, lettin them rot! She said a person with a brain will be in Wednesday and she will ask her if she knows how to juice. I stopped myself from asking if the brainy one has been in EVERY FUCKIN WEDNESDAY FOR THE LAST FOUR MONTHS?! Exactly how did Maureen get a job in the juicing department?!?

Sent Maureen MORE oranges!
Tracking Number OOOO OOOO OOOO OOOO OMFG OFML OJFC OOO FY

I get paid to write nicely. I do not write nicely for free. Therefore, I blog.

Relatable or nah?

 

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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57 Responses to Notes on Fictional Business

  1. orbthefirst says:
    February 21, 2017 at 12:02 PM

    “Sent Symbiotic Relationship Contract and business cards to Woodchuck.”

    Kind sounds like me every time I need to set up stuff with a new Doc. Lol

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Fourth Generation Farmgirl says:
    February 21, 2017 at 12:04 PM

    Yes. Very relatable. At times, I feel as though my head may spin off…and explode mid-air. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dan Antion says:
    February 21, 2017 at 12:38 PM

    On days when other people have the day off/sick/etc. I have to provide computer tech-support. You really want to avoid having a technical problem on those days. I’ll fix it, but I might remind you about the class where we taught you how to fix this, or the one where we taught you how to avoid this, or the one where we told you never to that thing that you did that caused this to happen. I do try to say it nicely, but I might have missed that class.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Ally Bean says:
    February 21, 2017 at 12:41 PM

    I like the if you can’t say something nice quote. I’ve been doing that very thing my whole life. Who knew?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. mltrautz@yahoo.com says:
    February 21, 2017 at 1:08 PM

    I think you should have someone throw the rotten oranges at her head. That would probably work as a method of juicing the oranges.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. John Holton says:
    February 21, 2017 at 2:16 PM

    A guy I worked with in Support got in trouble more than once for writing exactly what he felt in the contacts he was assigned. The classic one was when he suggested a client be “spanked! Really hard!” He was great with the clients on the phone, so he wasn’t fired…

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Benson says:
    February 21, 2017 at 2:19 PM

    Yes Lawd. Very relatable. Hilarious as well. Telling someone to go stuff themselves and have them look forward to it is a knack acquired by experience; and I imagine you do it well.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Fannie Frankfurter says:
    February 21, 2017 at 2:38 PM

    Definitely relatable!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Judy E Martin says:
    February 21, 2017 at 3:30 PM

    HaHA! I can rlate to this too! :-))

    Liked by 1 person

  10. markbialczak says:
    February 21, 2017 at 3:30 PM

    Um, uh, yupper. In every job I’ve had, Joey, somebody has been able to make me think twice and be nice.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. jan says:
    February 21, 2017 at 3:31 PM

    LOL – I’ve never worked at a place that had a juicing department! (I once interviewed a person for a job who put on her skills list that she knew how to use a stapler. So yes relatable)

    Liked by 1 person

  12. marianallen says:
    February 21, 2017 at 4:39 PM

    Laugh? And laugh? Yes, you made me do that. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Maggie Wilson says:
    February 21, 2017 at 5:14 PM

    I was a CSR for most of my working life, mostly dealing with “internal” customers – like the linemen or cable splicers who would call to the Bell Canada engineering department. The only time I was front and center with real live customers was when I worked at the billing department at a department store. But this was all way before computers and the recording of notes etc.

    So, I was going to say, I cannot relate.

    But then, just this afternoon as I was making notes in my mineral collection database, I caught myself waxing, shall we say, eloquently snide?

    The chances of anyone reading my remarks is just about nil. But it makes me feel better for having written it.

    What exactly is your line of work, if I may ask?

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Alicia Butcher Ehrhardt says:
    February 21, 2017 at 5:36 PM

    Never say exactly what you mean to people who have power over you, such as nurses at a hospital. The momentary satisfaction will NOT be enough to cover the future interactioins.

    The best solution is to become a writer of gory serial killer stories, with an endless need for stupid victims.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:
      February 21, 2017 at 6:39 PM

      I would never speak unkindly to a nurse! Nurses are ANGELS! — Although, I have, after leaving the hospital, written a very nasty letter regarding my evil sonogram man…

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Judy @ NewEnglandGardenAndThread says:
    February 21, 2017 at 6:07 PM

    You’re on a roll here, and I’m laughing out loud. 🙂 So here in the condo building in SC, there are sixteen floors of condos but only one woman who feeds the hundreds of seagulls from her balcony on 16 so they can drop the bread and their bodily deposits on everyone else’s balcony. This week, a very politically correct sign goes up in the elevator asking everyone to ‘not’ feed the birds. Someone felt it was their duty to add – ‘that means you, crazy woman in 1608’. I think she probably got that message. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  16. sustainabilitea says:
    February 21, 2017 at 6:08 PM

    I like the nice/nicely quote, Joey. At the tea shop, we’ve a person who had a glass teapot for a year (or six months or some long time), who broke it and wanted her money back. Nicely, nicely. Bite tongue hard! And that’s just one example. The customer is NOT always right, but they too often try to take advantage. Trader Joe’s has a policy that if you don’t like something, you can bring it back for a refund. I’ve never done that, as I feel if I don’t like it, that’s my problem. But I’m sure it happens a lot. It’s just a good thing those little conversation bubbles don’t appear over our heads showing what we’re actually thinking!

    janet

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:
      February 21, 2017 at 6:45 PM

      Unless said teapot has a warranty and she has a receipt, I think no money for her, so yes, nice it up for us both! When I break things, I buy new. This leads me to trying not to break my things. Too bad you can’t charge a fine for lack of common sense, eh?

      I read not too long ago that one of the major drug stores will take scantly-used make up back for a refund or an exchange, and I thought that was quite nice. Younger me would have liked that. Older me reads ingredients and avoids rashes 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  17. vanbytheriver says:
    February 21, 2017 at 8:32 PM

    This made me laugh, and reminded me of why I only stayed at my electric company call center job for 6 months. When angry customers called about extended power outages, I would make up my own stories. It got to be pretty creative, the goal was just to get them to stop yelling and hang up the phone. We were monitored often, and I was surprised no one ever challenged my “methods”. We all understand that customer service requires some diplomacy, nice words, patience. I was old enough at the time that I ignored all that, and had fun with it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:
      February 21, 2017 at 9:52 PM

      Sounds absolutely charming! Perhaps sometime you could share a tall tale with us?

      Everyone in the office reads everyone’s notes. Sometimes they do talk about mine and lol, but I assure you, all my notes are extremely professional while communicating my euphemistic engagement.
      The funner ones to read are the ones where someone has heard one side of a heated conversation. For imaginary example, “JM repeatedly informed the client that she has no control over time and space and offered to send Beaker the Muppet…” Those are funny to read later on down the road 😛

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Laura says:
    February 21, 2017 at 10:07 PM

    It always cracks me up when I’m listening to the clickety-click of the keyboard and the call rep is all “I’m noting this in your account.” All I can think is “oh really? Are you noting that this is the third time I’ve called? And that if you all would get off your asses and actually FIX this then you wouldn’t have to listen to me bitch and moan about it.” Maybe I should start sending my own “notes” on the calls…

    Liked by 1 person

  19. bedlamanddaisies says:
    February 22, 2017 at 8:11 PM

    lol. I once worked somewhere that had clients…if there was a black circle beside the client’s name, it represented ***hole.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. reocochran says:
    February 22, 2017 at 9:55 PM

    Hilarious choices of retorts or other unprofessional reactions to the random, strange behaviors that co-workers participate or Do!! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  21. darsword says:
    February 23, 2017 at 12:09 AM

    Laughed so hard I had to read this aloud so my hubby wouldn’t think I was crazy-er. He loved them, too. Both of us office folks who have had to write plenty of NICE notes.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. larva225 says:
    February 24, 2017 at 10:26 AM

    Notes are brilliant. They are the perfect vessel for passive-aggressive, often anonymous bitchiness cloaked in appropriate language. I really love a good note.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. circadianreflections says:
    February 24, 2017 at 1:10 PM

    LOL! That’s hilarious, and yes I can relate!

    Liked by 1 person

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