In April, I’d said to my family, “I should like to go to the mall and eat a warm, soft, buttery, salted pretzel.”
The girls were tremendously excited by this because they are teenagers and they truly enjoy the mall. ‘Where things are’ or whatever. We had not been to the mall since Boxing Day and they were probably going through withdrawal over what’s new ‘where things are’.
I hate the mall, but my desire to go to the mall increased ten-fold when I encountered a clothing crisis of epic proportion.
We had tickets to the symphony May 5th. May 5th should be a perfect time to wear a lightweight, flowy dress with a lil sweater or a jacket and strappy sandals. Seriously, I have three perfect outfits to wear for this theoretical May 5th.
The actual May 5th was absolute crap weather for dressing up. May 5th was all high of 51 and low overnight of 36.
I wanted to wear slacks, a sweater, and loafers.
The Mister wanted to rock a suit.
Ugh.
I expressed my clothing troubles and asked him if he would dress down a lil, and he smirked at me, “I wanna wear a suit.”
“I’ll have to shop!” I declared.
I hate shopping.
Oh My God with the hunting and carrying and the lil strings that tie me up and FUCK ALL THE HANGERS!
I tried to be optimistic and hit Kohl’s before work. I would surely find somethin.
I tried on 13 dresses before work.
I kept one, but not for the date.
Pro-Tip: always straighten hair on clothing try-on days. I went into the dressing room lookin all smooth and wavy and came out lookin like I brawled with a hairbrush.
This does not begin to describe the horrors I experienced inside the dressing room. Ladies, you know.
The lighting in dressing rooms is the most unflattering light ever. Worse than my master bath.
I am green with red splotches, my hair is brassy, my eyes are sunken with dark circles only a raccoon could love, and all of my veins are DayGlo blue, okay? Additionally, I am super large and lumpy. It’s all very Pilsbury Doughboy meets Fiona the ogre version in there.
But only IN the dressing room. OUTSIDE the dressing room I am decidedly human, even a reasonably attractive mom-type human.
I tried on shoes. I love shoes. I mean, I don’t like to wear them, but I could easily be a shoe monger, because when I do need to wear shoes, I believe one simply cannot have enough choices. And not to brag, but I have nice narrow feet and I can wear any shoe which goes a long way in counteracting the fitting room agony.
I was debating over shoes when I realized it was time to go to work.
Mentor suggested Macy’s. The Macy’s I go to is over by the Target on Keystone, and I hadn’t been able to go there for my precious goat cheese pizza in over a week, because that area is so floody when it rains and it had hellarained. Still don’t have any goat cheese pizza in my freezer… Point being, too floody to go to my Macy’s.
Anyway, when I got home, we went to the mall to hit up that Macy’s.
First we got Sassy a new swimsuit, then we all ate a slice of the giant Sbarro pizza.
Now, I’ve been in the Macy’s at the mall before, just about thirty feet in, to buy a particular lip balm. Then I found out you can order that shit online and so I hadn’t been even thirty feet into Macy’s for about three years.
Well, I went more than thirty feet in. I went deep. It’s… I FUCKING LOVE MACY’S IN THE MALL.
Macy’s in the mall is like a magical clothing oasis. They must have had TWENTY THOUSAND dresses. IN MY SIZE.
After I’d tried on two dresses, The Mister finally offered to dress down a bit.
Then I got the right dress and some very bad tights and also a surprise 30% off. I had tunnel-visioned dresses so hard, I hadn’t even noticed the signs.
When we left Macy’s, pretzels were suggested. I had no room for a pretzel. I could not pretzel, as I had pizza-ed. Since I am not a growing girl, I could only envy Sassy’s pretzel. Isn’t that sad?
Some young smarmy man tried to hit me up with a packet of cream. As has been noted on Dramatic Momologue, you can only fall for the cream vendor once. Some young smarmy fellow takes you to a kiosk where he tells you how pretty you could be with a bit more effort. As he comments on your skin’s flaws, he rubs ancient creams (from plastic packets) on you, tells you how much better you look, and then tries to get you to spend “Only $120 for all these exclusive beauty remedies.” This particular young smarmy man said somethin to me about The Dead Sea. I waved him off. I could not be bothered. Products of the sea cannot work on me. I am not a mermaid. I rely on the essence of trees and plants, for I am a forest creature, as all ogres are.
Happy Friday Everyone!
joeyfullystated 
On my list of “love-hate” relationships: Malls (esp. the food courts), exercise, shopping (for stuff I want or just hunting), small groups of smart people, things “good for me,” sad music.
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I feel much the same. I enjoy looking at things for a very limited time. I think the trick might be for me to go on a weekday morning. When I worked in the mall, weekday mornings were much less crowded.
Sad music is right.
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Hillarious post. I also like Macy’s, but I usually don’t get past my favorite beer garden. My wife is a power shopper and beer helps me when I see how much she bought. Was Harley Quinn still there?
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LISA BURTON was there, I tell ya, cause that’s the night I went. It may be fall before I go back. So much depends.
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OMG ROBIN SPARKLES!
Ahem. I don’t do malls anymore. Too many kids running around loose at the mall near here. Haven’t been in YEARS. Last time it was to go to a restaurant on the outer edges of the mall, so therefore I wasn’t actually IN the mall. Mall parking is bad enough…inside the mall is hell on earth.
I like Kohls because sometimes their sales are like WHOA, a skirt for $2. I love that skirt. I wish I had more places to wear that skirt because TWO DOLLARS FOR A NEW SKIRT. When I need something more dressy, I haunt Nordstroms online because sometimes their sales are pretty amaze-balls.
Also, I hate your narrow feet. I mean, I don’t really know them personally, but just on principle, I hate them.
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My feet are hated by many, and they console themselves by saying, “Look how adorable we are in these ballet flats!” 😉
I know, Kohl’s is my go-to place. I LOVE the coupons, BOGOs, and the deals they have for charge. Sometimes we charge just to get the deal and then go home and pay it that night. I can’t say I found a $2 skirt, but I did get a $135 coat for less than $20 once.
I think it’s nice Macy’s has its own door. I may use it much more often now that I know how reliably FULL they are!
Robin Sparkles is awesome! 😀
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I don’t think I’ve been in a department store since my stroke. Mary and I do all our shopping online.
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I prefer to shop online, too. But I still hate the hunt. *sigh*
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You’ll probably hate me for this, but the part I liked the best is how The Mister can just say “I’m gonna wear a suit.” and put you into clothing-procurement-panic-mode. He already has a suit, he has shirts, he has a tie, if he wants, Done! Taking it down a notch, maybe just means a pair of slacks and a jacket – got those too. Dressing is just easy for guys.
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You’re right. That’s exactly what he did, skipped the tie. It’s so completely unfair. Ugh.
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Ok, still laughing here! We were at a mall yesterday and it is dying. I’ve never seen it so empty and the Macys there was just shuttered. It’s all Amazon now. But I think the downtowns are coming back with specialty shops so the circle of retail life continues.
My favorite part was where you took The Mister shopping and tortured him till he relented and said he would dress down a bit. Oh wait, I mean you graciously let him have some input on your clothing choices. Yeah, that’s it.
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I agree, at least local shopping is on the mend. Amazon rules.
It was really nice how he picked up on how atrocious and time-consuming shopping can be! 😉
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I agree with Dan. It’s so unfair that men can wear a polo shirt, khakis, and Topsiders and be considered dressed for almost any occasion. I haven’t been to a mall in years, except to slip inside the Macy’s where my s-i-l works and that’s not to shop. Hmmm, typing too fast and furious, I notice the “that;s not” can easily become “that snot.” On that note, I think I’ll blow out of here and just wish you a happy Friday and thanks for the smiles I had reading your post.
janet
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Totally unfair. S’not fair at all. *sigh* Glad you smiled aplenty 🙂
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I like the mall for exercise, seeing the windows with pretty clothes and fun seasonal decorations. It isn’t as much fun as it used to be going shopping, for me at least. I just am too practical and think, why would I spend all of this since I don’t have parties, wedding planned to attend or a dressy guy who likes me to dress up. He wears a hat in most restaurants to cover the fact there is no hair. I would tell you more personal stuff but I guess that covers why I don’t buy stuff in malls, as much as I used to. I love going with my grandchildren for back to school outings, or strolling with a fancy coffee (and shortbread cookie) with my youngest daughter while she tries on stuff and determines what to look for in the thrift store and the Closet Mentor (also a thrift store for professionals to look for clothes.) Joey, I love the cinnamon and buttery pretzel or if I have someone to not “guilt me” (no daughters there, I mean) I love the cinnabun mini with cream cheese frosting. Yum! Hope you have a great weekend and will try to catch up on the time lost between visits, Joey! xo
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You get shamed for pretzels?!? What kind of monsters did you raise? lol 😛
99% of the time we go to malls is for the girls. It is definitely less torturous to shop for kids. Who doesn’t ooh and ahh over wee clothes and shoes, am I right?
We aren’t dress up people, either. That’s a work thing. When we get home, we all change clothes, comfy is where it’s at!
Thanks for stopping by, it’s always nice to have you 🙂
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I guess they may spread some kind of saturated fat on my favorite pretzel, before they add cinnamon sugar. Who knows?
Your regular pretzel doesn’t have fat nor much more than salt.
My son is the only one who still eats junk food. My two daughters are fairly healthy eaters, but the youngest is the one who lectures me a bit, Joey. No worries, she knows how to keep up with her disease and doesn’t want my cholesterol to go up like in my forties.
I’m a comfy person, no shoes, no restraints (bra) person once I get home.
It’s nice to feel included in amongst you all. 🙂
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😀
I’m pretty sure saturated fat is required! (And often, earned!)
But yeah, I mean, ya gotta eat the melons and the greens — you know all that, I’m sure.
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I do eat treats and balance them out. Just as a single mother for nearly nine years I allowed a democracy in the household. Now, they think they are “equals” even more so as two have children. . . 😀
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Haha! 🙂
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Oh by the way, I was totally blessed by meeting Erma Bombeck who spoke at my BGSU graduation in 1978. She was humble, hilarious and just an all around lovely person. Her heart was so big, warm and wonderful, Joey! I think I just told her I admired and loved her articles and wished that I had one of her books with me to sign. She said she would sign my program, but I turned to find one made into a fan in my Dad’s hand and my Mom has (seriously) started to write something down about my wedding which at the time was about 40 days away. . . Never mind, Erma! She hugged me instead. x0
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I think Erma Bombeck is the best humorist, EVAR! Great story! 🙂
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Thank you so much, Joey for enjoying this event. My Dad was not “on the ball,” since he usually would have taken a photo to preserve the memory. 🙂
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Well, I’m sure the memory of it, and her gracious spirit stay with you still 🙂
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I do have the yearbook photo of her, at least and her topic of graduation pieces in my mind. She was definitely a fantastic writer and along the lines of Jean Kerr in her family styled humor. 🙂
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LOL! You do all that visiting the mall? My daily trips to the mall are my mandatory walks and my big decision is what coffee I’m having for the day 😉 Perhaphs you should have told the smarmy man to hold that thought and accompany you to you to the Kohl’s dressing room before applying that ancient cream in plastic packets on you and see if your image changed 🙂
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I would NEVER invite the young smarmy man into a fitting room with me, but I do see your point.
Coffee choices, only? No decisions about eye shadow or accessories? What’s that like?!
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I’m retired, I try not to make decisions if I can help it since my decision days are over 😉
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That in itself is an excellent decision!
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You’re a funny lady. Humor can over ride all sorts of neurotic bitchiness. Your Mister is a lucky man.
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Thank you, Benson ❤ Humor and gratitude, man, that's where it's at!
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I’m with Dan…guys just have it easier when it comes to dressing (and makeup, and childbirth, and good-paying jobs).
Sorry, I forgot what I was talking about…
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MMHM it’s a man’s world, or somethin like that…
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Which may explain why it’s so fucked up.
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Dude. I know, right?
Thanks.
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The dressing room mirror is probably the number one reason I shop online. I’ve come close to tears when I see my reflection in a dressing room mirror. Horrifying. You describe it so very, very well.
I hate malls. If I have my way, I’ll never visit a mall again. We do have a mall-like structure where we shop for groceries, but it is dying, possibly even dead. I like that place.
About 20 years ago, I ran into your smarmy dead-sea guy. Maybe it was his dad. I dunno. But same spiel. Only this time it was for a manicure kit. He held my hand all sweet and smiley and buffed my nails – look! No more ridges! I caved and bought the gear. Then he tired to up-sell buy suggesting other lotions and potions and snake oil. The spell was broken and I bid him hasta la vista, baby.
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Isn’t it terrible, this plague of men accosting women for beauty treatments?!? How does it continue?
I’m so pleased you can relate. It’s hard to imagine what a hideous group we are under those awful lights!
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That last picture — where did you get a picture of me?? My last doctor visit, she said, “You have great skin. No wrinkles.” I was like, “How long since you got your glasses checked, doc?” I don’t have Clint Eastwood facial arroyos, but you know how chicken skin is all crinkly-wrinkly? That.
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WHY are you in my SPAM! I’m so sorry to be late! I’m releasing you.
I ALSO think your skin is beautiful, but I am of the opinion that wrinkles don’t take away beauty. Chicken skin is somethin I can see on my hands, and to be honest, I look forward to elsewhere! 🙂
But, I giggled, cause you’re still funny!!!
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“I am not a mermaid.” Oh, Joey–that line is so perfect for our mall guy who asks to see your nails and then uses this 4-sided scraper thing to make my nails shine. Then wants to sell me this crazy package INCLUDING Dead Sea cream…..I told him I had the scraper thing. Bought it at Wal-Mart. Thanks, bud, but no sale. Our once a year to convince ourselves we are not crazy to not go to the mall….awful place.
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Those guys really get around!
I’ve already delighted in the fact that I can get to Macy’s without going through the actual mall. I could always quickly get a Pretzel, but then right back out! 😛
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The only time I can tolerate the mall is when there are not many people in it. My idea of hell is the mall the week before Christmas and you can can’t have any soft pretzels.
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Ooh, yeah, that’s a bad time!
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I’m a bit of a mermaid. I only look good in the changing room because sneaky Italians put all the lights just right and use slimming mirrors. But mostly I prefer to do without, clothes, shoes, shopping. And swim.
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Not a fan of attire myself. Like my jammies and bare feet MUCH more!
Lucky you with good lighting!
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Fuck that smarmy cream guy. I’m still smarting over that one! And thanks for the mention!
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We are very different with our opinion of the mall! Ian and Sarah hate it. I like it when I really need to get new clothes and good sales are happening. Abby could live there! I too love using my card to get the discounts and paying it off the same day. That’s just smart! Oh, and PRETZELS are a must when having to endure the mall. Our little mall is sad on the early weekday hours, but after school and on weekends its busier. That’s because there is nothing else for kids to do here.
Ian doesn’t even own a suit anymore. I don’t know how that happened. Glad that your hubby likes wearing them. Ian would love me to wear more dresses. Maybe that will happen this summer…
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So nice to have you here 🙂
I think the girls LOVE it and would go as much as they could. I’m sorry there’s not much for kids to do there.
You should totally get s’more dresses. Dresses are so easy for summer!
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Loved that episode on HIMYM! 🙂 … We don’t go to the mall much, that is the whole thing. We go to Barnes & Noble from an outside entrance. We get my daughter her Origins makeup at Dillards at Christmas. That’s about it. The food court place here is a joke, not much there. I have been accosted by the smarmy cream man, UGH! Don’t give eye contact, or they’ll start yammering on and on. I’ve learned to ignore, and keep on going. haha
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Yup! Gotta avoid those kiosk people!
I think it’s great how the Macy’s has its own entrance.
HIMYM is all the LOLZ 🙂
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This was a tour de force post. Ha,ha. The dressing room description, Pillsbury Dough Boy and the Ogre. My daughter once lovingly described me as “Poppin’ Fresh.” I usually do not like Malls or shopping. I am so happy about online shopping. And I kinda don’t like events where I have to buy an outfit that I probably will not wear again.
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Thanks!
I agree. I like to be sure I’ll wear something another time and prefer to online shop as well.
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Went there a couple weeks ago searching for graduation stuff for my son. Ergh, it’s not my favorite place though I do love the food court and its Asian and Philly Cheesesteak selections. Oh, there’s pizza and Subway too, but the other two win my attention. I never have room for pretzels though they’re one of my favorites!
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I understand. Next time I will definitely choose a pretzel! 🙂
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This could have been my experience when faced with having to shop! Oh you’ve made me laugh! Thank you!
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My pleasure, thank YOU! 🙂
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I love that the Mister only lasted two dresses before giving in a little on dressing down.
I am not a mall person, either. Now that our Walmart got an Auntie Anne’s pretzel place, I don’t ever have to go back 😀
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Me too! Oh you so lucky! I found out some of the DQs have soft yummy pretzels, but not mine!
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Thank you!
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I must go to the mall with you once before I die. I am putting it on my bucket list right after I fulfill my life long goal of tar and feathering every lawyer in Indiana. Speaking of rain and flooding, LAWD what have we done to piss off mother nature!
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Ha h ha 😝 totally with you about the hair… and also I think you should add 10 pounds to the reflection in the mirror … they tricks us!
I stick to online shopping now… malls give me a headache
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I like a man in a suit, it always looks so smart. I agree that women need lots of shoes Joey, it should be compulsory that when buying a dress, a pair of shoes are thrown in too at no extra cost!! 🙂
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I like the cut of your jib! 😀
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💖💖
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I’m very envious of your Macy’s. My Macy’s doesn’t hold a candle to the Macy’s in Florida. I understand they carry what people buy, but it must not be my people. lol 🙂
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That is a familiar scenario for me in other stores! Sad stuff!
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If Erma was still around, a lot of women, you and me included, could be less stressed. 🙂 I remember seeing her once when she was celebrating a birthday. Instead of eating the birthday cake, she just slapped two slices on her hips and remarked that she might as well put them right where they were headed. 🙂 Yes, I ate cake for dessert tonight. 🙂
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Wonderful! 🙂
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This is the best post! You won my morning for me. I like the mall well enough–but not with my child in tow! Then, it’s roll reversal where I want to stop and poke at all the shiny objects on display and he’s all, “Not now. Places to go, elevators to ride!” But, I can lure him there with a promise of a pretzel or pizza, so there’s that!
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😀 Thank you!
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