I mean, every now and again, I like to play “Boom! I Got Your Boyfriend” and laugh like a maniacal teenager, but that’s well below schadenfreude.
Personal vindication is like creamy vanilla ice cream and schadenfreude is like hot fudge. Put the two together and who needs a cherry on top? Well, I do, motherfucker.
All of my meanest stories involve schadenfreude, which is why I do not write them publicly. UNLESS I have permission from the subject. Such subjects are often unwilling to play the villainous victim.
The Mister has consented to his role in this story. He does not embarrass easily. He usually just says, “Fuck those people. I don’t give a fuck.”
This attitude is illustrated in his recent Snapchat selfie a la Sassy.
Have you ever been in a position where you’re not taken seriously, not acknowledged because the party in question has no experience and no education with said issue? Sure you have.
And you’ve all been on the other side.
As a person with anxiety disorder, I am constantly bombarded with the notion that I can snap out of it, or turn it off. People have literally suggested I calm down.
Oh, Okay!
That’s so cute! Isn’t that cute?
When I find the right buttons, I plan to turn off all my problems. Meanwhile, I am generally misunderstood and dismissed.
When people say they had a panic attack and they felt like they were dying, it’s because they felt like they were dying.
What does dying feel like? I don’t know. It feels like death. It feels very, very, very bad. People describe it differently — being swallowed up, being removed from the body, being frozen in time, being suffocated or smothered. Along with that usually goes the fear of going crazy, the fear of losing control over one’s body, the fear of fainting, the fear of having a heart attack. All that does is pretty much spazz a person out even more. Can’t see straight, can’t catch breath, heart races, chest hurts, limbs tingle — There’s a REALLY long list and it happens all at once which is terrifying.
Sick of being poo-pooed, I have WISHED panic attacks on plenty of people. That’s right, I said it. What? Oh, you’ve never wished anything like that, I’m sure, cause you’re a better person. Imagine what other people must wish upon a nice person like yourself. Hah.
Kneel before the gods of panic, shaking and crying, begging for your life, and then get back to me about how it’s all in my head, Fuckface.
With any luck, I could have the privilege of witnessing said panic attack, and I could sarcastically chide them, “Stop feeling like that! Don’t think about it! You’re fine!”
A girl can dream.
Long ago, when The Mister came home and told me he’d been to the emergency room for what turned out to be a panic attack, I listened to him describe the sensations and the fear, and I didn’t feel that satisfaction. I felt badly for him, I did.
Likely because he always listens to me and treats me with compassion.
I understood that he finally understood, having experienced panic in full technicolor. It was satisfying in an odd way, bonding even, but I didn’t get that hot fudge sundae feelin.
If panic attacks can happen to big, strong, badass men like my husband, they can happen to anyone.
So I wait patiently for panic’s next victim, and my delicious schadenfreude.
Tea, anyone?
joeyfullystated 
A panic attack is a horrible thing. I had a couple of full fledged ones caused by medication after the ‘acute cardiac syndrome’ which resulted in three stents earlier this year. While driving down the road, maneuvering all those tons of steel around vulnerable people. It is a horrible feeling, and yes, I know exactly what you mean when you say it feels like death. Imminent death. And I hoped I wouldn’t take other people out with me, but that was just me being nice.
So sorry you’re subjected to this on a regular basis – it sucks. It’s like every system in your body decides to take a break from doing its job during the same break period, and no one and nothing is at the controls.
Compared to what you go through, mine were nothing, I’m sure, and I never want to experience one again, and yes, I would like the people who pooh pooh them to have a few. While we’re at that, I’d like them to have CFS for a few years, and find out… never mind. It’s a general solution – wishing other people would come to understanding by EXPERIENCING. And maybe develop some empathy there?
LikeLiked by 3 people
It’s so human, isn’t it? As you said, that general solution — wanting people to experience and empathize in such a way. We do this with happy things, too. We can’t all walk the same path.
I had two absolutely terrible panic attacks and one was while driving. I still get anxiety when I drive, because of that morning. BUT! I am a lot better than I used to be.
I know you carry quite a few burdens of your own, and I appreciate your honesty and insight, both here and on your blog.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I do know of which you speak. I had them as far back as I can remember, even when I was a kid. And, they’d be for no particular reason…they’d just overtake me out of the blue. I’d have to go to the nurse’s station at school to ride them out, and later pull over while driving, to let it pass. Been to the ER, too. I take meds now, which has helped a great deal, but still have one now and again. People just don’t understand the feeling of them, no matter how we describe the symptoms, unless they’ve had one, too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
*nod nod nod* I am so sorry you had them as a child.
I’ve had to pull over a lot, too. 😦 Driving makes them extra scary because it’s so dangerous.
I’m a lot better these days, come a long way with learning how to get through. I’m glad your meds reduce the frequency of yours as well. Thanks for sharing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, they are awful. I definitely sympathize. When I was on Flonase I had panic attacks and quickly realized it was the Flonase (or steroids) causing them. Of course when I tell people that they look at me askance, like you might be doing right now? Nobody believes it because nobody ever heard of it before. The gardener had a lot of panic attacks from undiagnosed celiac disease. I mean a LOT of ER visits. All kinds of things must bring on panic attacks and it shows you that they don’t know diddly about mental health because they keep thinking it’s a separate thing from our biological bodies and their health.
As far as Schaedefreude or however it’s spelled goes, I had never heard of it until I got my CD (when the show was first out) and then I skipped the song. But years later when I saw the show over and over (daughter was in it), I had to sit through it. It makes me REALLY uncomfortable. I don’t feel good when other people have bad things happen and instead I get really upset over it, usually even when they are a bad person! So it must be some kind of weirdo psychological response. Maybe a division of PTSD haha.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think it’s good you’re affected the way you are. The world needs balance. I tend to be merciless with people I don’t like, so you make up for it 🙂
I remember you saying that about the Flonase and your hubby’s celiac. I remember telling you I’ve been cleared of that. I know a lot of people who only had anxiety during menopause, or while pregnant. I even have a friend who had panic attacks for years before finding out it was related to a previously undiagnosed heart condition! Imagine his shock! And don’t you know, a surgery and a medication and no more panic attacks.
You’re right, the biological, chemical aspect of mental health needs to be studied MUCH more. I’ve seen what the panic attack looks like in a brain scan, and that’s completely undeniable — but we need a lot more published data.
LikeLiked by 1 person
The lack of research into mental health is really outrageous. It’s awful. Another area of mental health that seems ridiculously unstudied is how prescription meds really affect our mentla health. As in really.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Wait, somehow I lost Avenue Q in there. That’s the show!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You and I have touched on this subject before. I have seen the effects of panic on Clara so I can see that it is real. I have compassion for anyone with anxiety, I just can’t relate to it. As for schadenfreude I dig the hell out of it. If your Mister’s attack doesn’t give you the whole chocolate fudge thing it must be Love.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m sorry that Clara suffers so, but I am glad you’re tender with her. That’s love too ❤
I really dig on the schadenfreude too. It's one of life's divine pleasures.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’ve never experienced a panic attack. I think you know, I wouldn’t dismiss your symptoms or suggest that you get over them. I don’t think I would have ever done that, but I certainly wouldn’t do it now.
You might hear about this again near Father’s Day, cuz it one of my dad’s attributes I appreciated the most. If I were cut or bruised or hurt, he would dismiss it with a “walk it off” but he never was quick to dismiss fear. He took that seriously because he didn’t want me to be afraid. I’m not sure if he meant to make it a life lesson, but I try not to dismiss what I don’t understand.
As for schadenfreude, it’s not the same, but last week, a jackass driver tried to pass me on a two-lane street that is a no-passing zone. Oncoming traffic prevented him. I was going slightly over the speed limit, but he kept getting up on my bumper. At the point where the road widens to 4 lanes, he blew by me and right into a speed trap. Oh my goodness, that felt soooooo good.
Enjoy your tea 🙂
LikeLiked by 5 people
Your dad was such a good, wise man. I learn so much from him, Dan. Thank you for sharing his gems with us.
That jackass driver had it comin! Haha! Thanks for sharing that, too!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Joey. I’ve been thinking lately about all the things he made sure we knew. Simple stuff, but the kind of lessons that carry us through life. Glad you liked reading about the driver.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I find it is best not to judge other people and the hardships that they go through. After all, we all experience something that affects us in an adverse manner and wish for understanding from others. I do not empathize very much, but I can sympathize instead and wish them well.
I’ll have a cup of tea. Thank you for asking. I have some people I’d like to watch have their reality put on its side while having a front row seat. 😜
LikeLiked by 2 people
Wouldn’t it be awesome if we could have tea and schadenfreude together?!? OMG, that’d be the cat’s pajamas! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have wished a lot of different maladies on doctors. Once on the EMT who poo-poo’d me. I don’t feel good about the wish, but it’s for a greater good. If doctors only had to deal with the things they treat, they’d be much more compassionate, they would listen better, and they would NOT poo-poo us.
My husband has encountered anxiety over his SVTs, but I don’t know that he’s had a full-on panic attack. But like your Mister, Hub is very compassionate and understanding when I have an attack, or when I talk about the attacks. Cuz he lurves me. On the other hand, my father had a panic attack (at least one, if not two), but since he never believed it was a panic attack, I don’t think he gets it with me. Yes, he loves me, but yes, he’s from the generation of “walk it off” or just “turn yourself off” to everything. It’s how he lives, so he assumes the rest of the world can do it, too. Unfortunately, I’ve seen how he suffers from living like that, so no thank you.
And yeah, panic attacks suck like the biggest doo-doo out there. It’s just all kindsa bad and even reminding yourself that it will end (and not in death) doesn’t help in the highest moment of it.
It’s hot and humid here, so if we’re putting in orders for tea, I’d like my sun-brewed but on ice! 🙂 Thankyaverymuch.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ooh, girl, I cannot sun brew tea! Sounds soooo good! I love it, too, but these people I live with drink it so fast, I literally ain’t got time for that! lol
“Unfortunately, I’ve seen how he suffers from living like that, so no thank you.” Yes ma’am. I love that. Mmhm. But see, how long did we try to walk it off before we admitted it was a thing that followed us? Ugh.
I wonder how beneficial it is to be compassionate as a doctor? Like, is that detrimental? Have you ever read Michael Crichton’s “Travels”? He talks about a switch you have to flip in med school. It’s very good. I love that book. Hell, I’m just happy if a doctor can listen and repeat it back with accuracy!
I recall the various stories of your dismissive doctors (EMT) and those of others too. I haven’t actually had that. *knocks wood* But! I will say, I had mentioned at least FIVE different complaints with my Georgia doc, and every single one of them was an anxiety symptom. Why couldn’t he piece that together? Why was it the neighbor nurse next door?!? Gah.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I haven’t brewed sun tea in ages mostly because I don’t drink much other than water (and kefir) these days. My sun tea requires too much sugah. 🙂
I don’t know that I ever “walked off” my anxiety, but I do know I do (and did) it for years with pain and fatigue. I TRY not to do that anymore, but I know I still do it. At least I’m aware of doing it and I know what my consequences will be.
I don’t know what it would be like to be compassionate and to be a doctor. I feel like they could be compassionate but not be “attached” in a way that is detrimental to them. But who knows, I’m not a dottore! Maybe I should ask my cousin who IS a doctor… Not sure I want to open that pandora’s box! And yeah, I’d be happy if my doctor(s) listened and PAID ATTENTION!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m so glad I found you here. It’s so nice to find someone who always, always understands.
LikeLiked by 1 person
DITTO, Joey. ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
I always chuckle (and cringe) when someone tells an anxious person to just calm down or a depressed person to just smile and they’ll feel better. That’d be like saying “just relax and your asthma flare will stop” or “just sneeze and your pneumonia will be gone.” Just like asthma and pneumonia, anxiety and depression have biologic roots, and we have to treat them as such. Unlike asthma and pneumonia, they don’t always respond predictably to our treatments. And that sucks.
Thanks for helping set things straight.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for chiming in, I do so value your support.
I think there needs to be A LOT more study in the biology of the brain. It’s like the ocean. We know what percent?!? And we’re so glitchy! lol
LikeLike
Agreed!
LikeLike
The Mister kind of looks like Zippy the Pinhead in that picture…
I’ve never had a panic attack, at least I don’t think so. I’ve had moments when I felt like the world was going to crash down around me, but I’m not sure it’s the same thing. I went to a doctor years ago and she asked if I had dealt with depression. I said I didn’t think I had, and she put me on antidepressants. After a week on those, I realized yeah, I probably did have depression. So I’m not really the best judge of those things. Mom was always a great one for telling people their maladies were imaginary, which is why I think I’m a little more openminded and understanding about them. It’s true, you really don’t know what depression or panic attacks etc. are like until you’ve experienced them.
I love the cartoon, by the way…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hah on Zippy 🙂
I think you had yourself a goooooood doctor, John. I’m glad you got some help 🙂
LikeLike
Im with you & the hubs on this. Fuckem. And fuckem if they dont get it.
LikeLiked by 3 people
FUCKEM.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Never had a panic attack (or if I did, I called it something else), but we all have SOME sort of shit to deal with that others don’t, so I try hard not to judge…just wish some of the condescending turds in the medical community would figure that out. And while I don’t get too caught up in relishing the misfortune of others (at least not publicly), I had a moment like Dan where some bunghole was on my ass even though I was over the speed limit, and when he finally passed on a double-yellow there was a cop coming the other way. Sometimes all the cosmic tumblers click into place…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Traffic’s Instant Karma is such a rewarding experience!
May you never have a panic attack. Thanks for your thoughtful comment. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I feel for anyone who has a panic attack, I’ve had a couple myself. However, what I really want to comment on is the sheer enormity of your need for Karma. The need to see other share in your pain. High five my friend…no no, HIGH TEN and all my toes, too! I guess we’d be playing footsie with those, since I can’t kick that high anymore. Anyhow, I applaud your honesty, I cheer you on in your quest for karma and I am very, VERY glad I’m your friend! Now back to our regularly scheduled programming. Panic attacks…I never, ever want to have another one.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I never want to have another one, either. I’d tell you how long it’s been, but I don’t wanna jinx it. Seems like it works like that…
No better friend, no worse enemy — that’s me.
Karma is just wonderful. Wonderful, I tell ya. I appreciate your support. Not everyone can support a meanie 😛
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sweet pea, right back at ya! 😛
LikeLiked by 1 person
“Have you ever been in a position where you’re not taken seriously, not acknowledged because the party in question has no experience and no education with said issue?”
Sure I have. It bugs the shit out of me. I hate being dismissed, I hate not being credited for having a brain. It’s a hot button issue. I hate it that I relish the opportunity to say, “You may recall, that is exactly what I said would happen.” So, I guess schadenfreude cuts both ways.
But I don’t know panic attacks. I know anxiety, but not severely so. I hope to never know the attacks, and I pray that you will never know them again. However, judging from what I DO know, my prayers will remain unanswered.
LikeLiked by 2 people
It bugs the shit out of me, too — On SO many levels and topics. It seems that is another INFJ thing, from what I’ve read, anyway. People don’t know how we know, and it’s not logical, but that doesn’t mean WE aren’t logical.
I’d tell you how long it’s been since I had one, but I don’t wanna jinx it. Thank you for your support and understanding.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, when A Certain Person of the Male Gender came back from the proctologist and was all, “It’s so sort of humiliating to be up on this table with your legs spread and a stranger poking around inside of you,” and then, “and I have to wear this wad of cotton stuffed up inside me.” I was all, “Really? Tell me about that….” But I don’t think it rose to the level of Schadenfrooey. Just kind of. Uh-huh. Join the sisterhood.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh I know, right?
Was it awkward? Did you feel vulnerable? How freakin tragic, dude.
(I hope he’s all better, but NO, do not bring me THAT struggle!)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahaha! He’s fine now, thanks. Yeah, and one of the reasons I love him is that, when I was like, “REALLY?” he said, “Oh. Yeah, I guess you know all about that. So you KNOW.”
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m glad I can’t go to jail for thinking about some of the karmic justice I’d like to see dished out.
… but oh, it would be worth it!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I say Mmhm, Joanne. Mmfuckinghmm.
LikeLike
😀 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve not experienced panic attacks as you describe Joey. I used to get small sensations of panic just before a hot flash would strike, but I only felt like running, not dying. I can’t even imagine how horrible that is for you given your description of it.
People tend to not understand things they can’t feel or touch for themselves – part apathy and part not being educated about it. I can understand why you think of schadenfreude when those people dismiss your suffering. I imagine I would too.
BTW, tell the Mister he looks lovely in a red bow and rouge.
LikeLiked by 1 person
He says thank you. He’ll do anything to make his daughters smile and laugh 🙂
You must be the 20th woman to tell me you’ve had the peak of anxiety before the hot flash, and I think that’s fascinating. I personally have the opposite. Heat is a trigger for me, so when I have hot flashes, I have to talk myself down. “It’s just hormones. You’re alright.” Moo’s good at making ice packs and bringing them to me, bless her.
I’m spreading the word in my own way. Education is important, yo.
Thanks for your understanding 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
After reading this, I have this title in mind, “Up against the wall, all you dumbass mutherfuckers.” I will write it down and see what I can come up with.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, you do that 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love to listen to people talk who really don’t know what they’re talking about. But that never seems to stop ’em. Karma’s a bitch, Joey. Enjoy it on the go-round.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh there’s no bigger, better red flag than the one that comes from people cluelessly bullshitting. Thanks, Lois, will do 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
This made me laugh…quite a bit. Does that count as schadenfreude? lol
LikeLike
One of the people who have told me how I need to get over anxiety and depressionand that insomnia for days means I’m just not tired enough got hit by all three of those things pretty close together. I felt kinda bad that I couldn’t muster up sympathy for him. It WOULD be nice if you could give someone a pill to walk in those shoes for a day and make them have a bit more understanding. (Maybe make it a huge pill to cover everything else people are thoughtless shits about.)
That snapchat is hilarious 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Mmhm. I don’t think I can muster and sympathy for him, either. Getting over stuff is something I’m pretty good at — but mental health stuff, ya just gotta learn to live through. Thank you for your support 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m not sure of the exact differences that deem on thing a panic attack and another an anxiety attack.
I call mine anxiety attacks because they are more out of depersonalization or derealization. I don’t have them often anymore, but I can tell I’m on the verge when I have what I can only describe as a feeling of homesickness even though I may be sitting at home. I have some coping mechanisms that I employ to try to shift it. I’ve heard there is less control available when a panic attack strikes, but I haven’t personally experienced those.
I’m a big believer in Karma. I’m sure there are moments when I may have some inner glee at schadenfreude, but only if it’s not major. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve had both, but the panic attacks are worse, and thank God, less frequent. I have plenty of almost anxiety attacks. Like you, I’ve learned some ways to cope and distract myself, not the least of which is gratitude.
Homesick is a VERY good descriptor.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I had one panic attack about 40 years ago. My grandmother had died, my daughter was a baby, and they were holding the funeral for me to get from the Midwest to NH. I overslept. My husband drove, I was hanging over the seat getting her dressed, I sat back in my seat and thought I was going to die. He pulled the car over which of course panicked me more because we only had a few minutes to make the flight. Finally, my body slowed down, we got to the airport, and thankfully it was the really old days when you walked right up to the counter and then boarded the plane. I have never forgotten that day and probably never will. Going along on life’s journey some of what you experience is the same. But, when your hair turns gray, wrinkles appear, and you have a few kinks you have to work out, did you know you become invisible. It’s true. And, every time someone ignores me because of my perkiness got up and went, I just smile to myself and think just wait sweetie because if you are lucky enough to age your turn will come. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
YES, I am aware of the impending invisibility, as I am WISE and listen to my WISER elders.
I’m sorry you’ve had a panic attack. No, I don’t think you’ll forget it. So horrible. The stress of that situation is palpable.
What a bad, bad day.
LikeLiked by 1 person
…you had me at ‘Fuckface.’
LikeLike