One of the things I hate to do is make phone calls.
Seriously. I do occasionally enjoy chatting to friends and family, and I never mind being paid to make business calls, but in my own life, I dread calling businesses.
The sheer volume of information we have to provide and endure to accomplish such small tasks!
I don’t wanna!
“Thank you for calling The Yield Field. Please listen to our phone menu in its entirety as it has been changed. Press one for English. Para Espanol, o prima dos.”
BEEEEEP.
“To check the status of an order, press one. To place a new order, press two. To report –”
BEEEEEP.
“To order produce, press one.”
BEEEEEP.
“A customer service representative will be with you shortly.”
I hear a series of clicks that makes me think I will be disconnected.
“Thank you for calling The Yield Field. How can I help you today?”
“Hello. I’m calling to order a bag of carrots.”
“Have you ordered carrots from us before?”
“Yes.”
“Thank you for returning to us again for all your produce needs. How can I help?”
“I’d like to order some organic carrots, please.”
“Wonderful. We’re having a special on the Chatenays, three pounds for ten dollars. Or Scarlet Nantes, four point five pounds for twelve dollars.”
“Some plain old Danvers will do just fine.”
“A thrifty purchase, one point five pounds for three dollars.”
“Great.”
I hear much typing. Perhaps there are too many choices. Perhaps the person on the other end of the line has begun blogging.
“Do you have a color preference?”
“I do not.”
“Must all the carrots be the same color?”
“No. All colors are fine.”
“Excellent. That qualifies you to receive a pound of turnips or parsnips for half price. Would you prefer turnips or parsnips?”
“I don’t want either. I just want carrots.”
“I understand. Although less popular than our carrots, our turnips and parsnips are a powerhouse of nutrition and offer incredible flexibility in cooking. I could enclose a brochure which includes recipes for either one.”
“I just want carrots.”
“Okay. If you change your mind before your order ships, simply call us back and we’ll gladly update your delivery to include turnips or parsnips.”
“Okay.”
“How many pounds of carrots would you like?”
“Three.”
“Alright, thank you. The charge is six dollars. How will you be paying today?”
“Debit card.”
“Wonderful. Thank you. Let me transfer you to our payment center. Just a moment.”
After four minutes of ear-shattering flute music, someone picks up. By this time, I’ve forgotten what I’m even waiting for.
“Who’s a good dog? Yes, you so good dog!”
“Thank you for waiting. I see we have an order for three pounds of carrots totaling six dollars.”
“Yes.”
“I see you’re not interested in our exclusive half-off turnip and parsnip offers today?”
“No.”
“Very well then. Can I get your name?”
“Jolene, J-O-L-E-N-E. Mottern, M-O-T-T-E-R-N.”
“Thank you. Would you please give me your password so I may verify you’re the account holder?”
“Ire.”
“Thank you, Ms Motorin. I see you have ordered from us previously. Would you like to use the card attached to the account?”
“Yes, please.”
I listen to rapid typing and a series of beeps.
“Thank you. I’m going to send you now to our shipping department. An associate there will provide you with a confirmation number and delivery information. It has been a pleasure speaking to you today and I hope we can count on your continued patronage.”
Oh, you know what’s coming! It’s my last chance to get half-off those turnips or parsnips! It’s someone asking me if after I’ve spent twenty minutes on the phone, wouldn’t I like to complete an automated survey of the service I received?
No, I didn’t really call and order carrots today, but I KNOW YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
joeyfullystated 
OMG the whole time I’m thinking, “Why the F is she ordering carrots over the phone?!”
Yeah, I hate making phone calls. I hated doing it when I was working, I hate doing it for personal needs. I absolutely hated doing it for my mother while she was sick. Hub and I often trade off when we have to chase stuff down with phone calls because we both hate doing it. I feel your phone call pain, Joey!
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Hunh, it didn’t show my (rolls eyes so hard they almost fall out) line. Weird. WHY WP WHY?
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It’s a form of psychological torture, I’m sure of it. It’s such a time suck!
I’m glad you agree, and sorry we’re all in this together!
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It is a psychological terror…I mean torture. 😉
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I hear you! I spend a lot of time searching for an email or online form option before I succumb to the phone.
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You were in my spam!!!
Me too, thanks for sharing my avoidance!
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Totally could happen. Parsnips are good,
I can’t stand it when they make you enter all the stuff and then ask you the same questions when you finally get to a human.
The worst is calling health care folks.
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I agree, health care IS the worst.
I also like turnips and parsnips. The Mister lurrrrves parsnips. Pureed especially. I presume cause it takes the longest, ahaha!
I’m glad you recognize my faux sample as art imitating life.
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I do know. For some calls, I need a good night’s sleep, the moon must be in the right phase, and I need to be fully caffeinated.
God help you if you deviate from the script, like comment on the weather, or ask where they’re from. It’s chilling, really, how robotic the CSRs have become.
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Yesss! You do know! You really do.
It’s no wonder people would rather do it online or not do it at all.
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Ha! Don’t you love to throw them off like that?! You just picture them frantically searching their script looking for the line that reads, **laugh along with customer** Too funny, Maggie.
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I definitely know what you mean. I just refilled a prescription for my son at CVS, and ten minutes later I’m done pushing phone buttons. On the one hand, it’s wonderful not to have to talk to a person and to be able to do it so conveniently, but on the other hand it’s a pain it takes so long!
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Agreed! It doesn’t feel like that should take ten minutes, does it? Sure, it’s faster than driving over and handing them the bottle and waiting, but oy, it takes too long.
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OMIGOD. This was just my life again today. She started asking me about our business, all kinds of probing questions, and that was after I told her four times what color business checks I wanted. I used to be able to drop off the re-order slip with the teller and two weeks later I’d have my checks in the mail. Now there is some dummy on the phone trying to take up my whole day. And, no, internet doesn’t work for some things.
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So sorry you just dealt with this today, too!
I almost used the check ordering, too! That’s one that even my bank, man, I love my bank, doesn’t let you do online either. Even if absolutely nothing is different. But it doesn’t take as long as SOME calls. Oh the fury!
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Oh, it’s beyond. It just irritates the hell out of me. I posted this a few years ago but it actually happened longer ago–maybe 5 years: https://writersite.org/2014/04/21/phone-rage/
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Yep, “Order your own jockstrap!”
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And he did!!! And got pissed off.
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Wah. LOL
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Not at me. At the stupidity of the process.
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Completely reasonable. It’s a terrible practice!
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I feel your pain, I had a similar experience today too trying to reschedule a flight
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Terrible. Such a waste of time, and you with places to go!
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At least you didn’t have to subscribe to their carrot newsletter, or automatic carrot reorder where they send you a pound every week and automatically bill you.
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Oh, but sometimes you do! 😛 More GAH!
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And the free subscription to watermelon of the week. It automatically renews next year at the regular price, unless you cancel it.
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Don’t even get me started on auto renewal, man.
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I’m terrible. I call and keep saying ‘Representative’ until I get a human. Oh, wait, you did get humans. Sorry, then. That’s what you get for ordering carrots through humans. Use the online ordering method. Humans are no good at carrots.
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I’ve called some places where humans are not available no matter what you press or say. Some places just have voice mail and will not return calls unless you hound them.
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Yes, so frustrating. Add non-English speaking to the mix. Or, “What’s your weather like there?” Wait, wasn’t I calling the local number? Oh, yes, but we’re based in Omaha…
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I don’t mind sincere pleasantries to pass the time, but most of these people are forbidden to be authentic
I’m sadn’glad you relate.
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I can’t stand making phone calls, either. The whole rig-a-ma-role of listening to the recorded voice, then getting distracted and having to start over, because you pushed the wrong one..ugh! It’s not any better talking to a real person, to me though. I get flustered and can’t think straight. Then, there’s no telling what nonsense I’ll say. It’s the same with those drive-thru fast food places. I can never say our order right, so it’s no wonder we get the wrong food! haha
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My husband also hates drive-thru ordering! I’m sadn’glad you relate. Whatta pain!
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I do so hate the phone. Now that there are cell phones, I believe that I have come to hate them even more. You no longer can leave and completely be unreachable. It makes people do crazy things like look for dead zones so no one can reach them. Of course that usually means you cannot reach anyone should you need assistance as well. I prefer to talk to people via online chats as there is no horrible music, and I can click the X and they are gone forever.
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Clicking X is awesome.
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It so is.
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Oh, Joey–I am laughing so hard! Order the freakin’ parsnip, they are a powerhouse of flexibility right? Between that and eating carrots cause no one wears glasses when they ear carrots, you will be SuperWoman! That’s what I was always told when I was a kid. I love to punch different buttons than my ‘choices’ cause then the recording says, “I didn’t quite understand that.” Darn tootin’ you didn’t, sister!
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I have ALWAYS been a good carrot eater, Lois, and my eyes are aging like everyone else’s, dammit! Parsnips are good, but maybe I already have a bag of those. Pushy, pushy people, tryna upsell my root veggies! 😛
I’m glad you laughed!
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Bugs bunny doesn’t wear glasses! My parent lied to me?!!
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Yes, they did. And mine did, too — But only for our own good. Beta carotene and fiber and all that 😉
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I’m not a fan of business phone calls, either. I was so glad to read that this was an imaginary call, as I can’t see myself ordering carrots by phone. 🙂 I do love when I have to make a call and the person at the other end is both knowledgeable and helpful. Renews my faith in people.
janet
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🙂 I agree!
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Yes, this was a LOL post – especially when you mused whether all the keyboard clacking was someone blogging. Thank goodness for a good dog to keep you company while you wait and wait and wait and wait…
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Thanks! I began to blog right before I made the call, and blogged a bit during the music! She’s SUCH a good dog, Susanne!
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Really? You don’t order your carrots over the phone? I do it All The Time. So much more convenient than going to the farmer’s market or plain supermarket. It takes a little bit of time, but I can do it from home.
Hello, my name is Evelyne. Yes, I’m aware that the call can be monitored for security purposes. No, I’m not Lyna or Vlyna. My last name is Holingue. Yes, it’s weird. I know. It’s not even my name. Yes, I’ll spell it for you. HOLINGUE. Yes, there is a H even though we don’t pronounce it in French. Yes, I’ve been here since a while. My accent? Oh, it’s here to stay. Like me. No, I don’t think I will go back to France for good. You know, my kids were born here, so…No, they don’t have my accent. Although, in French they do have an American accent. How come? Well, they only hear their parents speak French, so this is not a lot. Can I order my carrots now? Yes, we also eat carrots in France and we call them Carottes. Okay, I’ll spell the word for you. How do we eat them there? Like here. For Thanksgiving? No, we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in France. Okay, you get all the info you need? Oh, my address. Okay, ready?
And here we go for another minute or so. Unless… Yes, I’ll stay on the line for the next available representative since you must pick up a call. Okay, I’ll wait.
While I wait I realize that I also need to call the plumber and the dealership to service my car and also CVS for a refill and the doctor’s office for my annual and …
So I prepare all the info they will need and some and I practice pronouncing my first name and name and plan answers to possible personal questions.
P.S. I LOVED your post, Joey.
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Oh you cracked me up! YES, sometimes for security purposes! LOL
You poor thing. It must be worse for you. Have you ever called and got someone who speaks French?
How do you eat them there?!? Hon hon hon!!!
It is seemingly never ending, all the calls required. It’s one of the things that makes me hate adulting.
I sometimes wish I could just be Jane Smith. Such pretty and awful names we have!
Thanks!
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You had me going there for a few minutes, Joey. I’m glad you’re not really ordering organic carrots over the phone, but I do know what you mean. Those kind of phone calls drive me nuts.
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Right? Everyone dislikes them!
I felt I knew enough about carrots to upsell, plus, garden’s out of carrots now and I need to hit the market again, so it was a good subject to use.
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I was thinking, “No way would she be waiting 20 bloody minutes for 3 pounds of carrots!”.
It is maddening trying to get through to a real person on the phone these days. I nearly always go straight for the -0- hoping to end the seemingly endless choice of numbers and options that are given. Most the time it works, but sometimes I hear the dreaded, CLICK >dial tone. DOH!
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Yep! Thankful I don’t have to order carrots over the phone, cause that’s what it’d be like 🙂
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I swear! It is impossible for me to sustain a telephone conversation – and half my work happens on calls.
I don’t like the information overload that comes through these calls – even if it’s a call to the grocer for eggs! My ears almost shrink at the thought of listening… and somehow they have been trained to speak at the squeakiest screech they can get away with.
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It is worse than getting teeth pulled. If I can’t order it directly from the inter-net; by passing “humans” I don’t wanna play. You should have got the turnips.
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So frustrating….and that “ear shattering flute music….😳 Hilarious post! 🙂
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Thanks 😀
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UGH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN!! I hate the phone, always have, and it cracks me up when my kids voluntarily talk to their friends on it.
I’ve even tried putting my option in my contact list but if I remember to do that then they will always — WITHOUT FAIL — change their menu options. They’re killing me slowly.
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That is the way of it. The thing that kills me is that no one likes phone menus and yet, they’ve become ubiquitous.
You ever call places with an honest-to-God receptionist or switchboard? “I’d like to buy carrots.”
“Thank you, I’ll connect you.”
How are phone menus better than that?!?
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I hate those types of phone calls too, Joey. Why do people think that if they ask you a question a dozen times then you are going to change your answer!!!
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So annoying! I’m guessing some people can’t take the pressure and they end up buying more?
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I hate talking on the phone, period. A cxall like that would drive me to serious drink, and I don’t drink.
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Yesss. I’m sure it’d be a lot easier with a cocktail!
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LOL ! ! !
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Please don’t make me call. Please don’t make me call.
I’ve been putting up with the computer from hell rather than calling tech support for help. My aversion to phones is that bad.
Yeah, you got me on the carrots 😉
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I know! I’ve got three more calls to make this week. Good luck with puter people!
Easier to GROW carrots! 😛
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I hate to say it, but I think I’ll buy a new computer before I call tech support again. The last time I did, I spent 6 hours on the phone with them – and my problem wasn’t resolved. I wish I was kidding 😦
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Oh rotten. 😦 That’s just… rotten!
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Me too. Oldest son hates it more than I do. We are both so happy now that we can do all of this on line. It can still be a pain in the ass, but at least no peeps or beeps to deal with.
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Yesss. But sometimes, ya gotta call, and then it’s THE WORST!
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I know what you mean, Joey!! Calling businesses or billing departments when it is supposed to be faster to call then mail bill. NOT!
I don’t like waiting and I tend to repeat the word “representative.” This usually means I can talk to someone. Living.
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Sometimes. Sometimes it’s impossible to get a living human. It’s THE WORST!
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Last time I called for something like that, it was to call and cancel TiVo. It took 20 minutes of telling the guy “No, I’m sure I don’t want it…I haven’t used it in months, so I’m not gonna start using it just because it’s free…I’m sure I don’t want to pay for it and give it to a friend…I don’t want to keep it for my children…I don’t want to talk to technical support about it being broken because it’s not, I’m just not using it…I don’t want six months free…uh, no, I am not “stupid” for not taking advantage of your offer, so cancel my order, dammit. No, I’m not being hostile, you called me “stupid,” so stop talking and do your job and cancel. Why, sure, I’ll be happy to fill out the review that I receive in my email.” I’m still irked over this, in case you can’t tell.
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I relate completely. I cancelled TiVo in 2011 or 12 and get this — I had gotten the TiVo through my father, who upgraded his own unit and they convinced him to send his old one to me, and pay some piddly amount for my service. I wanna say it was like $7.99? Anyway, when I called, they ALSO called ME stupid, because not only did I have an EXCLUSIVE rate, but my daddy was footin the bill. But two DVRs were literally cheaper then, soooo…. It was rotten. Just rotten. Someone bought my TiVo in a yard sale. Good riddance!
I’m so sorry we had such similar experiences with that!
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Wow! When I canceled, I had planned on holding onto it in case we had need for it down the road, but after that, there was no way in hell I’d go back and took it to Goodwill. SlingTV has DVR now at least.
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Bastards, the lot of em!
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At least the carrot people knew what they were talking about. My horror is talking to people who are reading from a response book. If what you’re asking isn’t in their script, they just read you a random page and hope you give up and somebody else gets you if you call back. If I could’ve crawled through the phone and gone postal on the disservice department of my old web hosting service when I was trying to port my site, I’d have nice, clean solitary confinement now. But I can’t really blame them: they were hired to read scripts, not to know what they’re talking about.
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That is so unpleasant. I’ve heard of that, but I haven’t experienced that particular grief myself. If you were in solitary today, I bet you’d not be eating fresh farm foods, so I commend you for not going postal! 🙂
I felt I knew enough about carrots to use them as an example. My actual call was with the music store and I had very specific instructions from my girls — I don’t actually know diddly about music stuff. Alright, maybe diddly, but not as much as I do about carrots. lol
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You know diddly, but not squat? ‘Cause “I don’t know diddly-squat” is the term for information paucity around here.
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That’s right. That’s exactly it.
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I hate calling because my cell phone usually clicks off somewhere in the middle because of lousy coverage and I start over. I swear there aren’t 100 customer service reps left in the entire country because even when I get one I can’t understand what they are saying because they are sitting somewhere that I can’t pronounce. The only thing worse is ‘chatting’ with a company on line. That will take an hour of your life that you’ll never get back and the results aren’t normally satisfying. Great topic. I think most of us could go on, and on, and on. 🙂
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Oh yes, online chats are also horrible. I do believe they take longer, too. 😦
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I hate when I need to put in my account number… yada…yada…to hear my account balance…which I don’t even want….and there more button pushing to finally get a person. I recently went round and round with the electric company over an error they made. They accepted no responsibility and kept laying blame on me. Each person said the same thing like a broken record until finally they wore me down and I had to mentally write it off. I’m sure that was their goal. They’ve sent me a customer service survey. I’ve strongly debated filling it out… because obviously there is a disconnect. You DO NOT want to know what I think of the experience!
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Oh I can imagine! I’m truly sorry you had to eat their error and swallow that crap customer service as well.
Fill out the survey. Yep. Do it.
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You need to have more fun with these people. When they start asking dumb questions you just retort, was that your wife I saw in the lesbian porn I was watching last night? I could have swore it was. Or…..ma’am your husband was just banging my neighbor like a screen door in a hurricane, I really could care less about buying turnips, but I’m concerned about your marriage.
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