The other day, The Mister came into the living room, set his morning coffee down, and yanked out the cushions on his sofa.
In a deep, gruff voice, I said, “I am man. I wake up and immediately destroy things!”
He switched the cushions, realigned them, and sat down.
I said in my sweet lil voice, “I am woman. I wake up and immediately nurture things.”
This is true, although I nurture things in the morning like a trance monster. It’s not as much an act of love as much as it is rote.
He doesn’t actually destroy things in the morning, but he is certainly brusque and curt. ‘On the warpath’ is the proper phrasing.
My regular readers know; it’s better if The Mister and I don’t speak to one another in the morning.
…
We argued last night. By argue, I mean, I thought my husband was being a dick, he wouldn’t apologize, so I gave him the look and left the room. I didn’t sleep a wink. With a sorta mixture of fascination and loathing, I watched him sleep instead. He’s like, really good at sleeping. I watched as the flying fucks danced over his head.
Since I was up when he woke, I thought I’d kill him with kindness.
“Your lunch is in the fridge. You like I make you some coffee?”
“No.”
How you sposta kill people with kindness when they don’t even want coffee?
I assume he feared poison.
No morning kiss.
“Love you!” I shouted.
Door slam.
“Or not. Whatever.” I laughed a lil bit.
Y’all, even with a lot of sleep, my energy supply doesn’t allow me to waste fucks on negative bullshit. I ate some pistachios and drank some tea and then I slept a whopping three hours.
I don’t know what he destroyed this morning, but he felt too unwell to stay at work.
“How did me being mad at you turn into you being mad at me?” I asked.
“I’ve always been mad at you.”
“Always?”
“Always.”
“Since, like 1987?”
“Is that when it started?” He smirked.
He gave Sassy an apology and he sleeps again, but on the couch now.
I’m going to leave the room again, leave Jake Destroyer of Worlds. The milk is light, the girls wanna bake cookies, Sassy needs new trainers. We all have our roles. Today mine include acquiring nurturing, supportive provisions. AKA counting Kohl’s cash and going to the goddamned grocery store.
Sometimes, because former military spouse, people say, have said to me, “It takes such a strong person to stay behind and hold the family together,” and I know what they mean. But I know a lot more than what they mean.
Sometimes, I sleep and he lies awake. Sometimes I freak out and he stays patient.
Every partnership is composed of someone holding the shit together while the other loses it. There are no auditions, it’s all impromptu. We know that although our strengths lie in one area, now and again, we’re thrust into the other and we do what we have to do.
In this case, I must shop and he must sleep and later there will be coffee and cookies.
Happy Friday Everyone!
joeyfullystated 
Every partnership is composed of someone holding the shit together while the other loses it.
Perfect description of marriage. Enjoy your coffee and cookies.
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Well thank you, Ally Bean 🙂
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…and footsies, and cuddles on the sofa, and hopefully well into the week-end. 🙂
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I say right on! 😀
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🙂
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For us, there’ll be coffee, but no cookies. We’re trying to lose weight.
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Ah, I see 🙂
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‘It’s all impromptu.’ That is so the truth. I love how we switch out roles. Keeps us on our toes and cracks us up, too. Happy Friday, Joey.
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Yes ma’am 🙂 Thank you!
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Very philosophical. You should write counseling books.
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Thanks. I’m a wreck for a self-help author, but I appreciate the compliment!
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As long as the one who looses it finds it again before too long, all can remain well.
No one is baking here but there will be cookies, and maybe tea or maybe an adult beverage.
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Glad you agree. There’ll definitely be cocktails later on this evening, too.
Enjoy your cookies!
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I enjoyed the content and vibe of this tale shared.
Especially laughed at “the flying f**ks danced over his head”
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Thanks! 🙂
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I really laughed out loud reading your post. Baking always helps me find my groove:)
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I only bake when I’m happy, and while I’m content, I’m too tired to bake! LOL The girls will enjoy it, I’m sure!
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It annoys the crap outta me that the Hub can sleep no matter what. Arguments, bills, trips, visitors, anxiety…he sleeps. I watch him sleep. I LISTEN to him sleep. He sleeps. It’s so irritating. LOL
Happy weekend.
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I KNOW!
And sometimes, oh sometimes, in the morning, when I’ve slept well and he hasn’t, I think hahaha and then feel badly about it and then hahaha again. 😉
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LMAO
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And now I shall forevermore see visions of flying fucks dancing over heads where I used to feel only chilled air. I’m visualizing those critters as demonic baby clowns with wings. Lots of little Its. That last paragraph covers what many couples pay hundreds of dollars to hear from a counselor. You are both funny and wise, Joey.
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I’m glad I could provide you with such imagery.
I’m flattered you find me wise and funny 🙂 Thanks!
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I heard of people (women) saying, “I want to kill him when he is sleeping and I am not.” Nice story. Enjoy your coffee anyway if he doesn’t want any.
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Thank goodness we don’t lose our shit together at the same time.
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Isn’t that one of the most magical aspects? How is one of us always okay? Amazing.
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I don’t get it but man am I grateful. 🙂
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Me too.
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Do you ever wonder how/why any marriage survives this stuff ? But, it does. And for that, I am grateful. Laughing at your description of the flying f’s. I understand that a.m. no-talking thing. I wake early, full of energy and talking too much. He eases into his day, doesn’t say much until the 2nd cup of coffee. I have to hold off on the important conversations. Frustrating for me, since I’ve been up for hours before him. Retirement presents new challenges !
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I do wonder how and why, and much like Dr Dolore’s comment above, how is it one of us is always okay? It’s amazing.
I’m pleasant in the morning like someone who is drugged, but coming around. I wouldn’t mind your chatter, but I wouldn’t be able to chatter back.
And it’s funny you mention the waiting to talk, because I legit do that 4-5 times a week.
For instance, I would have preferred, the night he owed her an apology, to have said, “I’m takin Sassy for shoes tomorrow, is there anything I can pick up for you?”
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Woman, you need to give him The Look more often. Eventually, you will break him. Alternatively, you could just give him cookies, or coffee or coffee cookies! ❤️
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LOL The look is powerful. I believe he was sick with guilt. Once assuaged, he didn’t seem nearly as sick, merely a bit weak and sleepy. 😉
We move on quickly, coffee and cookies and a huge brunch today. Thanks for reading and more importantly, understanding!
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This one’s a keeper. Love it.
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Thanks! 🙂
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Niiice 🙂
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One of the “10 Commandments of a Happy Marriage” that my mom gave to every newlywed couple is that you should never go to bed mad at your spouse so for the last 35 years we have tried to resolve issues before then. Most of the time it works. I am the good sleeper though so even when it hasn’t be resolved completely, I still get my 8 in. Mine is a pouter if he doesn’t get his way so I let him pout a while and I go about my business. Sooner or later he comes around. Occasionally he will realize what a jerk he’s been and I get flowers…or licorice. It is definitely a dance this marriage thing we do. Fortunately, I’ve always loved dancing and occasionally I lead!
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Oh I identify with that, totally. We didn’t go to bed angry until maybe the last few years, when sleep became harder and harder for him to get. (He was working and in college, both full-time. And it’s not like he’s still young, the man has to sleep, lol!)
It must be nice to be the good sleeper!
I relate to the making up for it, too. I generally settle for things being made up to me, as apologies are few and far between. Oh he’s so nice when he repents his stubborn ways! lol But this was our daughter, and I was more indignant than he.
Thanks for chiming in and sharing your own stuff 🙂
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Before bed, it’s bad enough if we talk about current affairs, or other “third-party” emotionally triggering discussions – like politics or whatnot. An argument works better than a gallon of espresso.
Ha. This reminds me of the time, back with The Performer – I was just learning how to find my voice in arguments and I had a very difficult time expressing what I needed to say. Basically, I couldn’t find the courage to say the words that were backing up in my throat. That would mean long periods of quiet while I mulled and mused and held my breath. He fell asleep on me a few times. Got a poke in the ribs for his discourtesy.
On a lighter note – I made brownies – using beets from the garden!
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Oh Maggie, when we were young, I wouldn’t let him sleep. I’d keep him up til 4 for that apology, until he could SEE and UNDERSTAND. I believe those long arguments into the night were every bit as important as anything else in this marriage. I suppose we’re more stable now, and also, he’s not young, he needs sleep.
I loooove the espresso metaphor. Well done.
How are your brownies? I wish I could sample! Remember red velvet cake made with beet juice? I DO.
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🙂 Yes, thank God for stability. And needs. Wherein the need for sleep overdrives the need to “get it sorted out.”
As for the brownies, this commentary has sparked a post of my own. Stay tuned!
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I look forward to that, but I don’t think I’ll make it there tonight!
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Damn I love this post!!!
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Well thank you very much! 🙂
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“Every partnership is composed of someone holding the shit together while the other loses it.”
Oh yes, you just described my entire 34 year marriage. When we’re both losing it at the same time, it gets really scary 😱
Hope you’re having a great weekend without any of the grumpies.
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OMG You just threw a wrench in the magic. You’ve BOTH freaked out at the same time?!? Nooo. Tell me you worded that wrong! Nooo! Say it ain’t so!
Weekend is fab, thanks — hope the same for you!
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Thankfully it has happened only rarely, but that’s when shit gets real!! If the perfect storm hasn’t hit you yet, maybe it never will 🙂
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*crosses fingers*
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I am also freaking out since I arrived late to your post, Joey. I expected some “hope” in the process of marriage and/or partnership. I left my reply for Joey, that I have a belief I may find someone again, who doesn’t have major baggage and love me as a fairly happy (89-92 %) person.
Sending you blessings, Joey for opening up today and Joanne for this share but it does shake me up! It made me a bit sad, since I keep treading through Life thinking I will have someone other than my grandies to climb in bed with or my friends to take hikes through woods with and make jokes with!
I’m 62 this month, have an 89 year old mother. That could be potentially 27 more years. . . Yikes! (She’s been a one man person, alone 17. . .) I made it to nine years between first and second and now 11 on my own.) xo 💖
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I appreciate how sad it is for those who are alone and don’t want to be. I hope you find that special someone, Robin 💕
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Just wanted to pop in and say that this is the kind of post that is fun to re-read, just for the comments. Thanks for that !!
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Thank YOU! I think more than anything, the quality of the comments tells me how much I connected. Thanks again. ❤
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Pingback: Who Are You? – The Zombies Ate My Brains
My mom says out of all the instruction manuals you can get the two you need and there’s no such thing is raising children and marriage.
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True story. Too subjective!
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Gee whiz, the two you need are… on that note I are a college graduate and certified to teach people to speak English… scary, no?
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Haha, yeah, I too mean what you know 😛 lol
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Amen!
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My mom gave me advice about marriage that was very similar to your sage advice of “every partnership is composed of somebody holding the shit together while the other one loses it.” I try to keep that in mind when I encounter those moments!
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*I watched as the flying fucks danced over his head.*
LOL!
I think the maddest I’ve ever been at my husband was when he went to sleep when I was already pissed off at him. That took me from a 7 to a 10. All the stomping around and slamming shit (the kids weren’t home) still didn’t wake him up. I finally yanked a pillow out from under his head and woke him up for a moment. It was really satisfying.
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We had a lot more of that when we were younger. It is infuriating to watch someone sleep through your anger! Totally relate to you, E 🙂
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This is refreshing. You are funny even when angry. Unlike SOME (*looks across menacingly*) I can’t let out the bad shit just like that. I’m not some Italian, but a deeply deep-feeling, sympathetic, self-deprecating (sometimes), frugal Slav. Alright? (I’ll come back here in need. Feels good to vent with you.)
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The Italian is strong in me. Let it out and move on. But, not everyone is that way, which is to be understood. I suppose you need some tenderness. You seldom seem angry…
You’re welcome to vent with me anytime, Manja.
Thank you.
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Thank you, Joey. I mean it.
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Yes, anyone who is in it for the Long haul knows there will be tears, some yelling and some silences. It is hard if someone has painted pictures in their head (alas, this may have been I, the first time around) and doesn’t expect some bad times.
I have walked out of two marriages where it was something I could not handle nor control (alcoholism and domination) but I felt balanced and happy on my own. A better person and mother. . . So, we will see if I will be alone, but if I live as long as my Mom has, I certainly hope I won’t be without another partner in life. Friends and my family make life feel “full” most of the time, Joey.
Cookies and coffee sound wonderful, I’ll be right over. . . ha ha! 😉😋
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When you put it that way, with probably 30-40 more years, I, too, really hope you find a long-time love companion. I don’t know that I would have … I don’t know. Now, in this place in my life, I think I value my relationship with The Mister more than I did in the early years. Having someone to count on, who’s always got my back, even when he’s an ass, lol, even when I’m being a bitch, lol, it is truly comforting. I suppose it doesn’t need to be a romantic thing, because really, it often isn’t, but companionship, that bestie situation, I’m dependent on that — You deserve it all, Robin. If that’s what you want, I hope you find your person. xo
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Aww, I haven’t ventured out after the year of waiting on the co-worker, Italian (nice guy?) Who ends up really being anxious and not committed to even twice a month(?) So, off sometime soon to eHarmony, but trying to stay positive!
It is cool to think of finally sighing to know a hand held, a conversation being two way occasionally, etc. . . 🕯I will hold a candle for a wish, blow it out. Or something!!
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