I had a sorta bad feelin, kinda like I’d forgotten somethin. Probably just some anxiety, so I did that checklist thing: phone, keys, children with husband — All good. I turned the corner by the cat food and there she was, buying biscuits for her precious Princessa. I could have sworn she said she baked all of Princessa’s treats, but whatever.
I hesitated, almost turned the cart around. I could feel the oxygen leaving the aisle, and definitely my chest.
“JOEY! Hi! How are you?”
“Good, thanks. How are you?”
“Oh, I’m so busy! Just busy, busy, busy, I don’t know why I do this to myself!” She gave a fake laugh before heading into her long list of humblebrags. Please excuse her tennis whites, she’d been practicing after work because they’d be going on a cruise with Todd and Suzy and they’re so good, she wouldn’t want to lose every game. She had to hurry home, because she had a fundraising event later, and she paused to show me a picture of her bright yellow gown from her phone, “Size two! Thank you, Whole 30!” Another fake laugh before asking how my kids were.
“Good, they’re good.”
However good my kids are, or what they’re up to, is of no interest to her, as has been established by every conversation we’ve ever had. Her boys are brilliant and they do everything well and she is so blessed to be their queen mother. She is exactly the kind of person who actually says aloud, “Hashtag blessed!” and does not mean it ironically.
Then a bejeweled hand on my forearm, “I heard you’re not working again.”
She is two years my junior, but she still somehow manages to smell like an old lady.
“I don’t know how you don’t get bored, home all day, no kids, no husband. I’d go crazy! I have to be busy! I know if I didn’t make the money I make, well, I’d feel like I didn’t have a right to say how we spend, and you know how I like to spend!” More fake laughter.
Oh what a hoot.
I looked how I look most of the time — wild hair, clean face, holey jeans, white tee shirt, flip flops.
I hadn’t been bored with my day. I didn’t feel dissatisfied in any way. My husband had been home, driven the girls to school, woke me up for sex and coffee. I spent the morning on the internet, had a sushi date for lunch, put a roast in the oven, and read all afternoon while The Mister napped. I picked Sassy up from afters and dropped her off before heading to Target. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I find my simple life so incredibly fulfilling. That I’d rather eat her dog’s biscuits than go on a cruise. That I’d let her beat me with a tennis racquet before giving up bread.
Like she said, she had to hurry off, because like she said, gala.
“SO good to see you!”
“Yes, you too,” then I added, “Take it easy this weekend, Ange. You look tired.”
I took a deep breath as she exited the aisle.
I mean, really, she left me no option.
Okay, you be catty now.
joeyfullystated 
You did better than I would have. I do not miss running into ladies from this crowd…just being around them is exhausting.
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Thank you. I enjoy not living among them now.
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Hah! I’ll just bet she has some dark, dirty secrets underneath that fake facade. You did good with your parting remark! 🙂
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Thanks 🙂
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What an insecure person! I hate name-droppers, and I finally understand what a humble-brag is.
She’s not worth the lint in your dryer.
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Ooh, excellent cattiness, Alicia! Thank you!
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You could respond, “I’ll continue praying for you,” the next time you run into her buying home-made treats for the cat? dog? gerbil?
People who are secure NEVER drop names.
I myself remind myself I’m being insecure when I mention cerrtain facts of my previous life, and tell myself to cut it out unless truly relevant. I have insecurities, too, but I try not to let them dominate my life.
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Relevancy is important. So is questioning motivation, your own and others.
I must admit, I’ve never prayed for her.
I am very interested in all your stories, now and previous, name-dropping or otherwise. You’re interesting.
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Oh, dear. The kiss of death!
I want to be interesting – in the now and future. The past is fodder, and proof maybe of intentions, but what I want is the be the writer I have now set myself the task of being. As long as I can. It’s fun.
You’re pretty interesting, yourself.
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Thanks 🙂
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I would not have been able to be as kind as you were, Joey.
I’m very bad being around fake people and I do often say, what I think in these cases… Not always so popular.
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Justifiable, Irene. We all have our limits.
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You are right.
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Good response. I feel people like that can’t be by themselves for any length of time. Sad.
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I’m not even sure they know who they are. Course, we do.
Thanks.
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Hate people who have no clue about my life questioning what I do. Bite my shiny metal ass, lady.
Obviously you were much more contained than I could be. Also, why I don’t go shopping without Hub, because no one ever wants to approach his glowering face. Also, why I live in an area where I never run into anyone I know. LOL
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LMAO! Shiny metal ass. LOL!
I run into people I know everywhere, and certainly once I’ve left the gym, or have rumbled with the weeds! lol Of course! This city of almost a million is pretty small at times.
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I know this experience all too well. My catty response the last time a woman pulled this sort of extroverted-busy-busy-size-2-crap on me was to say: “Take care. Make sure to eat something. We don’t want you turning into a scrawny little old lady like Nancy Reagan, do we?” I smiled, waved and moved on, leaving a confused insincere woman in my wake.
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Hehehee! Well done!
But also, Aw, Nancy Reagan. ❤
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My use of Nancy Reagan had nothing to do with politics, don’t know this woman’s politics, just knew that this woman is petite and fears aging + looking feeble more than anything. I’m still proud of myself for thinking of this snide remark in the moment, instead of later. 😏
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Oh it was brill, Ally, I did hoot! 😛
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Loved your farwell remark. I hope she heard it!. 🙂
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Thank you. She did. She seemed puzzled. 😉
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LOL! ! Of course she did.
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I bet she is tired. 🙂
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This calls for an “OMG”. I don’t have many of these puppies in my life any more. Thank you, God. But I did. Way too many. One remarked on my early retirement and asked “what on earth do you do all day?” I didn’t have the heart to tell her. If she’s lucky, she’ll find out one day.
“You look tired”…stayed with her for the rest of her busy day/week/life. Good one.
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Thank you. It’s the truth. She looked tired and she nearly exhausted me in under five minutes.
I am glad you don’t have these people around you as much now, and glad I don’t, either. Whatever you choose to do all day, it looks good on you, Van 🙂
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Thanks, Joey.
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Well done, and well done. I flunked catty, but I do dead silence well, and there’s the look. I kinda wish you could have included the wake-up tumble in the convo. Try, “You look tired, and what is that smell?”
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LOL I don’t know what the smell is, but I’m tellin you, it smells like tired old white ladies in department stores.
I recall one time at church, someone asked a friend if she was staying on for the potluck and she flat-out said, “No, I have to go home and fuck my husband.” Perhaps one day I will reach that apex of truth.
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Ok, I stopped laughing to type. The honest and direct approach can be so useful. We had company yesterday, my wife was just telling me that she noticed each time I left the room (keep mouth shut–KMS).
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🙂
An effective maneuver!
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That parting shot was a knockout blow: Hashtag Meow!
Sadly I recognized a few people that I know from her words. I never seem to think of a good shut-down line like that while they’re still there.
Nicely done 😀
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Thank you. And now you have one 😉
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People like that take every ounce of patience I have….
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She is obviously an extremely insecure person, and I’d wager, quite unhappy and unfulfilled as well. You’re so blessed, Joey. Isn’t it wonderful just being content? ❤ I had a friend tell me once how bored she'd be if she was me… Haha I am NEVER bored.
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I am massively blessed, and a bit sad that so many external things define her happiness.
Me too. It’s been years and years since I’ve been bored. Let’s add imagination to our list of blessings. ❤
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Please, HASHTAG Bitchcraft! 🙂
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LOL!
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When people ask me what my wife does with all her time, I usually say that she keeps busy doing stuff that she finds interesting. If they push, I have been known to add that “she’s comfortable and secure in who she is and doesn’t need much in the way of outside confirmation” – which is exactly the opposite of the people who ask stupid stuff like that.
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It’s true, too. I’m guessing your wife has hobbies and interests and a life of the mind. Thanks for chiming in. I wonder if people ask The Mister that…
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It gets weird at times. If I talk about doing something they think she should do. I told a woman that I iron my own shirts (I kinda like ironing) and she went batshit crazy)
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Holy!
I kinda like to iron, too. 🙂 Sometimes The Mister presses his own things. Sometimes I take them to the cleaners. Who cares?!?
I did ask him and he said no one had ever asked about what I do.
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Well, I’ve been at this place almost 30 years, so they all know her
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In some ways, that’s worse. *shrugs*
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Oh my. You can bet my opinion if I had to know her. She must be so unhappy though . . . . heh
Why do people say “catty”? My cats don’t talk about people–they just snub them. Very direct and saves time and oxygen.
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It’s an odd choice isn’t it? Like two birds with one stone. What awful phrasing.
I know, really, if she didn’t drain me, I could pity her better.
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Terrible phrasing.
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Sweet Jesus! How can you put up with these Bitches? And I say that with the up most respect to Doggies.
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LOL Prolly cause I’m bitchy in different ways. I appreciate your respect for doggies. 🙂
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You knocked it outta the park today, sweetie pie!
Best line ever: “…she still somehow manages to smell like an old lady.”
And those parting words are ovation worthy. Where’s the ovation button? WordPress? WORDPRESS! I insist that you install an ovation button for this post!
In the meantime, know that I am on my feet, applauding loudly!
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Oh Maggie, you’re too kind! 🙂 Thank you so much!
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That definitely had to be an exhausting run-in. I have been known to turn my cart around, avert my eyes, and feign shock if they still end up running into me.
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No one could blame you for turning around. I almost did.
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You’re living the dream.
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I think so too. A lot, anyway. Not always, but definitely enough not to need to hang my shit on other people.
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Some people should really mind their own business. Really. I have also turned my cart around once in a while. For the same reasons 🙂
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Yes. Totally understandable.
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Oh, yes! “You look tired.” I love that, Joey. I do work with ‘the toppers’ as I call them. Best to just smile and nod because no matter what I say–well, dontcha know they have done it and done it better. Ugh. She sounds totally clueless. And the hand on your forearm…geez. Truly, she left you no option. This was great.
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Thank you, Lois.
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Damn. Norm said it before I could … Hashtag Meow! 🤣
Well played, Joey! I’m never clever enough to end with an appropriate parting comment! Loved yours!
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Thanks! 🙂
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What an energy vampire! I probably would have reached in her cart and picked up the cat biscuits and said something like: “I am so sorry for you. You are so busy that you can’t even make your cat the special treats you always make.”
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Hah! Good one 🙂
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This would work lovely as a Halloween horror story. Maybe Target clouds over, a breeze works its way through and makes the doggy costumes sway on their racks, and you hear some of that foreboding music right as you round the corner. 😉
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You’ve got a fantastic start! 🙂
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She would make a great fictional character. Then we could pick her life apart and watch it unravel. Or send her straight to the chainsaw guy, whatever.
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Clever, of course.
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And Joey for the WIN!!!!
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Thank you! 🙂
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A perfect closer! Here’s my #bitchcraft: “Oh, honey, you’re so busy, when do you ever have the time to think?”
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Right on. Good one!
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You have to love those ladies – they are on ‘send’ and expect that everyone else in the world just can’t wait to receive their message. I nod, tune them out, don’t even try to have a discussion because that would make it last longer, and hope it will be over soon. Did you know that sometimes when they call me, my phone doesn’t receive the call or the voice mail? I don’t know how that happens. 🙂
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It’s the magic of AT&T, yes?
I know what you mean, you’ll notice I don’t linger in their midst, either. Get it out and move on, Lady! 😛
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Well… it’s a bit like calling in telling the church it’s loud. 😀
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Perfect!! I love your parting Words
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Thanks 🙂
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I usually say, “You would love to walk a mile in my shoes, my kids live in this same small town, I go to their kids’ , my grandies, functions and they leap into my arms shrieking “Nana is here!!” I know they think they are smart, (they’re Not!) and cool, (Not to me!) but I do know they appear wistful as they tell me “My daughter and husband live in Boston now and I love going to visit them once a year.” (True, Lynn a friend from the PTA told me this) and “I just came back from California, where Steve lives in his condo” (unsaid news, his wife left him, I don’t “do” Facebook but my kids told me Steve is divorced.)
Our lives aren’t newsworthy or social column fodder, but they remind me of those funny Vacation movies or the silly pre-teen movies where they teens who are nice have to deal with “mean girls.” Lol
My catty response was to tell the truth: I love having ordinary kids in my own small town, who are sweet and offer me “to go” dinners and their Best chair in their houses. That’s Love 💕 to me!
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I just love what you wrote here. Excellent commentary on the situation. Yes ma’am, the best chair is love.
I sometimes feel bad for women who are stuck trying to fulfill some ideal, instead of truly doing what pleases them, but mostly, I’m just glad I’m not one of them.
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Oh, so glad we agree on this! This is how I assume we would like each other, visit and chat like old friends. Yes, love is so much more than perfect nails or jewelry! You may have more (I love descriptions of your home, Joey! Trees and garden, etc.) but the same feeling about family and time well spent lounging. Micah was here and I kept asking him if he wanted to play a game or something else. I was catching up on blogging and he said he was relaxing and catching up on cartoons. 🙂
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