I am not as anxious as I was.
Work means I have less time for anxiety. In quiet moments, I suspect being home enhanced my anxiety. My anxiety lessened at part-time job and I have even less at full-time job.
There was a period of time when I was too anxious to work. I was too anxious even to volunteer at my customary rate. I was so anxious for a while, if it had not been for my children, I may not have been able to rise and put my feet on the floor every day. People said it sounded like depression, but I assure you, the only depressions I’ve ever had were causal and mild, never deep. I have felt the pang of despair a handful of times, and I do mean moments, fleeting. Something inside me rejects despair like an automatic response for “I am a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars” but also, a child of God, (my god, prolly not yours) and in that, I could feel my shame in having ever despaired, as I know good things are always coming and that I am here for reasons outside myself.
Hope has been bestowed upon me with such a heavy hand, I wonder if I didn’t get the hope other people were supposed to be given. Some glitch in the hope dispenser, maybe.
I seem to have received plenty of fret and melancholy to balance the hope, or vice versa.
dorky mom made this. see her if you need some hope, or a laugh
Every time someone new comes to read this blog when I’m not at my glorious best, or when I’m crabby, I inevitably get maybe-well-meaning but definitely-rude commentary about how I should not put this out into the world, or how selfish I am, or how I’m not feeling the right thing — whatever. If you’ve stumbled upon me today as a new reader, I want you to go insert some rude shit here. I sure don’t believe you only feel the good feelings and no matter what happens, you’re always cheerful and positive and uplifting and giving, because if you were, then you wouldn’t leave maybe-well-meaning but definitely-rude comments on a stranger’s blog. Duh.
If that’s your brand of blogging, no thank you, I’m already on Twitter.
I’m keepin it real. I do try to spin the happy, I do. I measure my gratitude to offset the anxiety, but silver linings are found, not given.
Alas:
“Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.”
“I’m not gonna come home and cook big every night. And none of you are, either, so…”
“You know what? You’re fourteen. You can find the number to the pharmacy, call and ask them if your cream is in, then ask the cost. You can do that. Cause fourteen.”
“If I can’t get you there and me back before sundown, it ain’t happenin. Ask Daddy.”
“I need a fuckin day. I need one fuckin day. A day with no work, no laundry, no cooking, no shopping, no peopling, no surprise shit sprung on me.”
I acted like this had to be gifted to me, like it was out of my control. Careful with that.
I’m just a default setting, not a martyr. My family DOES do things to help. Now and again, my kids truly go out of their way to reset the default “Mama Does That” setting, and I am grateful.
I’m even more grateful that my husband actively seeks ways to lighten my load.
I am a person. A real person. A whole person. And if I am to stay whole, sane, well, I have to take care of me, too.
And that’s why Sundays are down days for me.
I work my ass off to make and keep my Sundays free of obligation. If I have to, I will shop every other day of the week, instead. If need be, I will run all the errands on Saturday. Sometimes, I’ll cook two dinners in one night, so someone else can reheat one on Sunday. There are Saturday nights where I do all the laundry so on Sunday, I don’t even have to do that.
I am a mature, generous, responsible person who makes as many commitments and meets as many expectations as I can, and I owe it to myself to find time for my pleasures, my comfort, my rest.
You know who gets that? My mother.
Behold the socks she sent me:
FEET UP, Amy!
Yesterday, I walked the dog and me, went to the vet, the McD’s drive-thru, the library, two grocery stores, and four retail shops. I cooked cod, rice pilaf, and asparagus. I tidied and vacuumed the entire house. I rotated laundry and put away clothes. I gave myself a pedicure. And at one o’clock this morning, I drove to school to collect my kid. Then I came home, took a shower, and went to bed.
Today, I get to sit here not doing things of the obligatory sort, all while wearing my favorite pajamas and my fabulous new socks!
I can be myself and still take good care of myself. For this, I only need my own permission. Give yourself permission to _________. Make it happen.
joeyfullystated 
Good for you! Like we have said, you have to put your own oxygen mask on first and then decide if you want to do more than just friggin breathe. I find anxiety is terrible if I have too much energy but am not using it, so work and social stuff can make it much better, but rest and private time alone has to happen too. Enjoy.
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I do wanna do more than friggin breathe! I really like that, Donnalee!
Thanks for reading, and for your thoughtful comment.
So true about the energy, too. Excess energy is the stuff panic attacks are made of.
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No one can be on all the time. Those that are are fake part of the time. Everyone needs moments to recharge, and how they recharge will vary based on the type of person that they are. I do hope that this weekend has been a good one for you when it is all said and done. As for the trolls, don’t pay them any mind. They do not really know you, and have absolutely no place commenting. They are more than likely jealous because they wish they had it within them to realise that they deserve ME TIME as a person to just be.
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I love you. You’re wonderful.
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And I love you too you wonderful woman!
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I love you too Baby!
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Hey, Joey!! Way cool you linked my Flower Talk. THANK YOU! I kinda sorta lied to you and I’m confessin’. My feet are not up today but instead I’m digging borders around my front gardens. Duh. Really, Ame? So this week Tuesday might be my feet up Sunday. Or Wednesday. Or perhaps two days this week I’ll declare my Sunday. Cause like YOU if I am to keep on doin’, I gotta take time out for ME. With all the pitter patters under foot in my house I really don’t get a day off … but I do put my feet up as much as possible on those Sunday days. LOVE your socks FYI. I LOVE saying that to hubby who sometimes thinks I’m a fetch dog or somethin’. “Honey, did you see where ________ are?” “Find it yourself”, I say, and keep on sitting with feet up. As for the rude idiotas blah blah blah ….never mind they for to come across as perfect you know as well as I that they are FAR from that lofty stupido goal. Perfect? Ya wouldn’t be here on Planet Earth if you were! Totally enjoyed this post and relate exactimo. I totally LOVE your realness and if anyone says otherwise …. trash the comment. Better yet send them to SPAM. (wink) Tally HO! I’m eatin’ then headin’ back to finish one more garden. My nose is in a pretty darn good book so that is where you’ll find me later on. IF you have time … go see my awesome news I posted today. I’ve worked SO hard for what is happening now! And OH so HAPPY. Stay chilled and just as YOU are! XOXOXOXOXO 🌹🌹🌹
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I was thinking about you last evening regarding your anxiety. For one you are very courageous not to hide the fact that you have anxiety. I applaud you! Secondly, I have panic disorder so I know how debilitating and traumatizing anxiety can be. It takes a lot of consistent moderation in Behavior to change the anxiety patterns. And yes they can change because I have seen it in my own life. Yet in extremely stressful situations the good old panic rises to the surface again. My heart goes out to you in more ways than one because this is absolutely miserable and very difficult to live with. Joey, I’m really sorry that I didn’t even mention anxiety in my first comment. I completely overlooked it. I wish you all the best to conquer this and I have a funny feeling you will! 🥀🥀🥀
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Thank you for spending so many words on me! And for your kind support! ❤
I have done a lot of behavior modification over the years and I'm still open to listening and reading about what helps other people. I've gotten a great deal of help from fellow anxious folks. I AM SO MUCH BETTER THAN I WAS. I don't take a single bit of it for granted.
My restful Sundays are the best. We're gonna do a few things this weekend, but of a simple and unscheduled sort. The rest of the time, I get to chill. I hope the weekend is good to you, too, Amy! XOXO
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You are SO welcome ….. (smile)
This weekend, Joey, I promise myself to chill. I’ve finally gotten my gardens done … there is always more … but the official opening is done! I too have done a lot of behavior modification to the point hubby accuses me that now nothing gets me upset. Not true. I just don’t go drama anymore and have taught myself how to remain calm. I know what I am doing works because I got a very upsetting phone call just recently about one of our cats with a very bad diagnosis. I had to tell the Vet hold on, stop talking, this is a shock, let me catch me breath here. Deep breaths …. and I managed to stay calm. Then there are the days that I’m so tired the anxiety hits … a work in progress. It’s all good, dear friend. We are learning. If I don’t talk to you before Sunday …. Happy Feet UP!! You know mine will be! LOL 😉😘🐾
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Good for you!
Extra hugs for you!
Best wishes for kitty.
Yeah, my feet will be up MOST of this weekend. They’re up right now 😀
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OOPS. My reply to this when elsewhere. No idea… LOL
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❤ ❤ ❤ + (((hugs))) & cheers to getting all the obligations/shopping/etc. out of the way, so you can just be you, doing just what you want to do on your day off.
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Thank you so much! ❤ ❤ ❤
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Everything you say is spot on. Being “on” all the time can be exhausting. As far as those folks that don’t like your attitude at times F them and the horse they rode in on. No one forced them to read your posts. I happen to find your posts charming, witty and even uplifting at times. So there. Enjoy your Sundays and Happy Monday.
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Thank you ever so much 🙂 People like you are THE BEST! ❤
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Amen from this woman old enough to be your Mom, and I LOVE the socks. Give Mom a hug from me. There are no Oscars for Mothers who achieve above and beyond to the point that they drop or are so upset or tired that they can’t function. Here is my thought to add to your very intelligent solution – in five years will anyone remember if you didn’t fetch and carry on several Sundays. NO. So, give yourself a break, rest up, and recharge your batteries. 🙂 And, for sure send all those negative folks to Twitter because although I have an account I never visit just because of that. 🙂
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Hah! I do recall you don’t like Twitter. I go there to laugh, and I do laugh, but I also shake my head a lot!
Thanks so much for your support. It usually takes a mom to get a mom, and even then, some moms are just so good at pretending… I don’t do pretend momming, and I bet you don’t either.
In five years, someone will be mad at me about somethin, I’m sure. But I bet it won’t be about chores I didn’t do!
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I guess I’ve been lucky – no really rude comments yet. The worst one I got was from some dude in New Zealand just after the election. He told me he didn’t want any Hillary lovers moving to his country. I told him bye bye… (my feet are currently up as I write this.)
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i suppose when you live in New Zealand, you can afford to be dismissive about life here. Bye-Bye Kiwi. Bye-bye.
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Sometimes you do just need to take a ME day. Having one day every single week is lovely! I guess I make up for it by having one evening every week where I meet my writer pals for dinner and a meeting, and one day a month that’s Janie Day. Janie is gone, but her brother and some friends and friends of friends meet once a month in her memory, as she and I met once a month for years. So enjoy your ME day. I love your socks! Hug your mom (who, if I remember correctly, is my age) for me!
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Thank you! I love how you have Janie days. I need those ME days. Max is laundry and Sunday dinner.
I will pass the hugs on to my mother. She’s a smart, punny lady. You’d like her. She’d like you.
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Great post, because this stuff is important.
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Thank you, Craig!
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Enjoy it to the fullest, Joey! ❤😊
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Thank you for your support! ❤
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Those are the socks I suppose only a mother could give. I don’t understand why people, if they don’t like what they read, don’t just stop reading and move their dumb ass along the line to the next blog. You’re entitled to put your feet up, relax and do whatever. Enjoy it whenever you can.
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Hear, hear! Thank you! You and I are of the same mindset. 🙂 My mother’s been giving me great gifts since 1973 😉
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We all need time to veg, time to worry only about ourselves, time to tune everything else out. If we don’t get it, we turn into cranky nightmares. So good for you for taking it. Too bad you have to work so hard on the other days just to get that one day, but over time, as the kiddos go out on their own, that will lessen. At least that’s the hope. And as you say, you have plenty of that!
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Yes, I concur. You’re right, and we introverts often need MORE alone and quiet! Over time it will lessen. We’re on the four year plan officially now. Usually people chant Four More Years with excitement, but we’re more like I Think I Can with our four more years. lol
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Gotta love those socks! Love you on all days, Joey.
janet
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Oh bless. Thank you! ❤
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Yes, like a ghost I’m back. I’m not even sure if you remember me, but that’s okay with me. I loved your post and there are many things that I wanted to say to my audience but I can’t because I focus on travel, shopping, food and India. So, what my friends and audience see is I and Sarah travelling places, eating food, shopping, happy faces, selfies, and everything positive. My friends believe I have a great life. A freelance job, no boss, turned my hobby into a profession, and what not. However, like others, I and Sarah are always happy. We have our challenges which we never reveal. We make sacrifices that no one sees. We make choices that require courage. Sometimes, people don’t even realize that I work on Saturdays and Sundays because they assume that I and Sarah must be chilling out somewhere. I like what they assume about us and they often tell me that they pray to God that they had a life like me, but they don’t know what they’re wishing for.
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I DO remember you and thank you for coming by to read and leave a thoughtful comment. I encourage you to start a different, separate blog, where you can maybe reveal a bit more. Anonymous, even. It won’t pay out monetarily, but it’s good for our mental health.
Everyone has ups and downs and limits and obstacles to overcome. You certainly have an enviable life AT TIMES, as we all do AT TIMES. For me, what I see in your words is that you know that as well, and you’re aware of your blessings. While you could easily point a finger at others saying, “You don’t work weekends,” or whatever, you keep quiet and steadfast in humility. There is a quiet honor in that.
I do sometimes write here that there’s plenty of my life unseen. I don’t owe anyone full disclosure, and neither do you.
Thank you, Sharukh 🙂
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I do have another personal blog where I write mixed content. However, I don’t have enough time to vent or say more about these issues. Out of 30, I write 25 days non-stop for my clients. I earn my living that way, so there is no alternative to this. I get 5 days in which I write my travel blog posts, travel, shop, and unwind and even wrap up incomplete personal work. So, I just let people assume what they want.
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Amen, sister!
I definitely am going to see the Avengers’ movie today then. I keep saying I will and then myriad little things keep me from going! Dammit, school is almost out. It’s now or never. Even if the “It’s time for maintenance” message has been glowing on the dashboard for over a week now!
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THAT’S what I’m talkin bout! Did you go see your movie?!? I sure hope so. Carpe diem! 😀
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I carped a lot of diem this week. I saw Avengers: Infinity War (meh) on Monday and today laughed myself silly at Dead Pool 2. In fact, I’m all carped out and plan to have a mostly quiet weekend. Hope your Memorial Day is memorable for all the best reasons!
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Oh my goodness! So jealous you saw Deadpool 2! AAAAAAH! 😀
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You said it all! Nothing more to add – you know what you need to survive and thrive, and apparently so does your mom 🙂 I value my me-time selfishly and it’s still as important to me now that my children are grown than it was when they were small.
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Good! I’m so glad to know you’re of the same mind 🙂
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I’d love to get to the place where none of us feels as if she (or he) has to justify taking some ME time. Why is that so hard for so many of us?
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I’d like that, too. Whatever it takes to stay well and sane, I’m all about supporting the ME time of not me as well.
There’s just so much guilt in parenthood. No need to add on to anyone else’s load!
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If you can make Sunday your day, then have at it. I’ve tried to keep Mondays for myself, and [as this comment would prove] I’ve failed at doing so. Life | people | stuff intervenes.
Once upon a time I remember reading a blogger who took one long weekend every season for herself. She did nothing during her chosen weekend that she didn’t want to do– bugged out of the blogosphere– wore jammies and let her hair go wild. I can’t remember who this blogger was, but I admired her. I have yet to try her approach [she was single w/o kids] but I think about it every so often. 🤔
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Thanks. I’m sorry the Mondays don’t always work out. Sometimes people pop in on my Sundays, too. I half feel guilty cause I love them and I should be more ‘on’ and ‘receptive’ but also half annoyed that they didn’t ASK.
That blogger’s idea is good.
When my kids were all wee, my MIL would take them every Tuesday. It saved my life. I’m certain it did.
Whatever it takes to feel good and sane — whatever it takes. I hope this weekend is a good one for you, Ally Bean 🙂
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Great socks! So glad to hear you were able to relax, and rejuvenate yesterday! Gotta do that more often on Sunday. 🙂
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Thanks! And thanks again! 🙂
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🙂
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I love those socks! I feel like you about Sundays, but we are usually on the go anyway. Today BG is at my MIL’s until 4:00, so I’ve been sitting in my PJs doing blog stuff all day, no interruptions. It’s nice.
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Thanks! I’m looking forward to a lot of pj and blog time this weekend. I hope you have a good one, too 🙂
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My kids are gone and my husband went to a concert this afternoon. I’ve gotta pack for vacation, but I’m enjoying this quiet house!
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Niiice! Isn’t it amazing how much you can accomplish when you’re alone?!?
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I accomplished bingeing the hell out of 13 Reasons Why, haha! So nice.
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Ah. Look at you! 🙂
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You are so right. Right down to the —insert-rude-shit—. This is your blog. This is your Sunday. These are your glorious socks from your mom who knows. You have won already. ❤
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Thank you, Manja! ❤
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Love, love, love this post! Good news is one day you’ll be retired! After living at top speed I’m down to dead slow and I love it! When I read my old diaries I’m shocked at what I fitted into a day – BUT my hubby and I looked after each other, had date nights and took the odd weekend off together. It did wonders for our relationship.
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Oh yes, you live very well 🙂 I’m so glad you are around to write about (and share pictures of) your day to day adventures!
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Woohoo! YES! and Amen! Self care makes me feel okay about not reading this post until Thursday. 🙂 I wonder how I managed working outside the home with kids. Maybe that’s why I dissolved into a puddle on the kitchen floor a couple of times. There’s a thin line between anxiety and depression, but a wide path to hope as you show us here. I still need a nap after errands or church. I could use a nap now, and I’ve been home all day. Great post!
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Glad to count you in on self-care administration 😀 Yes, lady, take all the naps you need! Thanks!
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🙂
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‘Sup? First off, fuck anyone who comments about what you should or should not be posting on your blog. It’s your space, and if they don’t like it, they can get eat a bag of Dick’s Burgers from Seattle, WA.
Second, everyone needs a day off sometimes and it is great you get that day. Great blog you have here, since I am totally new to it.
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Right. Well thank you so much for saying all that and for joining us in Blogland. You’re gonna love it! 🙂
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I think it’s great that you take a day for yourself. I try to keep windows to myself during the week when all are gone from my house. Summertime always throws off that balance.
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I know just what you mean. I do.
Sometimes I think I need Sundays now because I no longer have the stillness of Mondays. I know you know what I mean.
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Just came in from crawling in my Gardens with my camera. After my dinner which will be in a few minutes and then a shower then my feet are up a big time! And thank you about my cat. I was told he is FIV positive. Big shocker, Joey. 💕🐾💕
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Oh bless him. ❤ All too common. Poor guy.
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Sundays are my day, too. Mostly cause football, but even still. It’s a good day to reset yourself.
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