It’s Tuesday, let’s bitch!
Let’s start with how my shift key on the left keeps going out. ya know, typin along and then i wanna capitalize and i can’t do it naturally because the left one just poops out now and again, and when i get mad about it, i can’t even use an exclamation mark to show my distress111 without stopping and pushing the right shift key like some kinda child typist!!! So I gotta push the shift key on the right, or no caps for me, and no symbols, and not a lot of punctuation.
It comes and goes all the time. it’s completely inconsistent and it annoys me somethin terrible.
vSometimes it does this. vLast time it did this, vI ended up doing a reset and lost all my bookmarks and so many passwords vI almost lost my mind as well. vIt’s not always a V, sometimes it’s an R or trrwrrorr.
vSee how much you appreciate my efforts?!?vRr
vSome of you may have noticed vI have on occasion abandoned my shift key altogether because i get flustered and i just cannot be bothered to type and then backspace or arrow and delete and the other option is CAPS LOCK111 WHICH I FIND UNBEARABLE FOR LONG STRETCHES OF TIME WITHOUT EMPHASIS BECAUSE THIS IS NOT THE YELLING BLOG, k?1? mostly not, k?
vI wanna buy a new laptop, but I don’t want to do the whole set up thing and the moving of pictures and I just keep hoping it goes away, because sometimes it does.
And now, Blanche:
I’m really bad at controlling my power windows. I’d like you to know that I don’t even want power windows in my car. I still want a key, too. I am not ginger enough with my power windows and it’s a constant battle for me to get the wind control right. Blanche has an all-or-nothing attitude about her windows, okay? Moo and The Mister have teased me about my comical up, down, up, down routine and when I brought it up to Sassy, she said, “You do really struggle with that, now that you mention it.” I so do. Further, there’s something wrong with me and I keep rolling down the window behind me. I’m special.
Blanche has Apple Car Play and Bluetooth and she plays songs all the livelong day. She starts when I start my car in the morning, and often my phone is still in the house, where I am alerted to Apple’s concern for me trying to stop the music or send a text when my eyes should be on the road, which has them sending me SAFE DRIVING warning displays and I’m all, “I’m in my fuckin kitchen!”
Further, I have something like three days of music on my phone and apparently, Blanche has favorites, so who cares what I want to listen to? She likes Coldplay and U2 alawt, okay? She also leans toward Vivaldi’s Adagio for Strings, Feliz Navidad, and Eleanor Rigby. I swear to you, for three days straight, I got in my car to go home and she had Eleanor Rigby on tap so that’s not exactly random, now is it? Don’t even get me started on disappearing and reappearing song choices while I drive. Apple be all, “Ooopsies!” and that is not okay.
There is no temperature gauge on my dash. Being born and bred here in the midwest, I am highly dependent on my temperature gauge. Ya gotta know when the car is warm enough to crank the heat. I am upset with this and all I can think is, well that’ll be one nice thing about summer. It’s a short list, but it matters. I guess if my car is about to explode of fire, it may trigger a warning light on my dash, and maybe unlike the low tire/ice cream cone icon, I will recognize it for what it is.
And now, my phone:
I haven’t mastered the volume on my phone. Here’s the thing: I want my phone to do what I want, but without me telling it to do it, which I realize is in sharp contrast to all the opinions I hold about unhelpful meddling map apps and assorted other ways our data is used to ‘assist’ us in madness. I want my phone to be quiet at work. I don’t want to hear the pinging or vibrating of the Fam Chat all day. I think Sassy has study hall when The Mister’s on lunch. Have you ever tried to work while your phone vibrates all over your desk? I silence it and then miss texts from people I work with, sometimes my bosses, and that’s no good. Get an email from your boss, “Did you see my text?v” Oh shit! Sometimes I leave it on and then I have to stop working to take a call from Ashley the robot who wants to talk to me about my Mastercard account and I don’t have a Mastercard account. And then? Why can’t the alarm be really loud, the ringer be quiet, and the apps be silent? Why doesn’t technology understand my subtle needs?!?
Fuck you, Photo App. Why I gotta ask you to look and look and look for the pictures? It’s your job. Import is not a suggestion, it’s your actual function. SOMETIMES I GET SCREAMY!
Go online to order delivery or carry-out, they say. Not one time in all the many years I have used a phone to call and place and order for food with a human being, have I ever not received my food, but the online food ordering has failed me no fewer than five times in the last coupla years. Also, NOT faster. AND SOMETIMES I AM HANGRY!
And the motherfucking piece of shit Amazon stick in our bedroom:
I swear to gravy, every fucking night, and alllllways on Sunday, it cannot connect to the blasted internet or it’s connected with problems, meanwhile, the one in the living room works just fucking fine and every other device in the same goddamn bedroom works just fucking fine on the same bloody signal and I GET VERY TIRED AND I JUST NEED MY OLD SIT-COMS TO PUT ME TO SLEEP THE WAY THE GOOD LORD INTENDED!
Ugh. I feel better. Your turn. Bitch at me.