Right, So, I’ve not been blogging. I think I was about five minutes away from recallin y’all like a fond memory, “A long, long time ago, when I was a blogger…”
There were so many things I wanted to tell you.
I was runnin around, burnin the candle at both ends, doin all the fings. My Gawd, all the fings one must do. Course, I got a sick. Course I did. Not too bad a sick. *knocks wood*
This year, I maintained my seasonal spirit, didn’t get grumpy like last year. I’m truly, deeply committed to being merry and bright. Got all my cards posted — MERRY & BRIGHT WITH GLITTER! Even my one red blouse made its annual appearance out of the closet.
Still I had a good pity party one night. Such a mommer pity party. oh woe is me, why am i doing all these things? what about what i want? what are other people doing? am i the only person who doesn’t do what she wants and just does what she’s supposed to do? stop asking me to do things, stop expecting me to do things.
Pity party lasted about an hour. Couldn’t even cry, woulda just given me a headache and ruined my makeup.
Ask me what I wanted to do — go ahead —
I wanted to
1) Come directly home from work
2) Stay home
3) Take off public clothes and wear comfies
4) Eat foods
5) Get on my computer
6) Go to bed at a reasonable hour
Seems simple enough, doesn’t it? These are reasonable demands, non? This kept not happening for me. It was as though, why, it was as if it wasn’t all about me. Hmph. Can you even imagine?
“REMEMBER WHEN I USED TO COME HOME AND THE SUN WOULD STILL BE UP?! AND I WOULD COOK!”
Additionally, I wanted us all to be home at the same time, but also, awake. You may guess that is completely unrealistic in the weeks leading up to the winter break.
“REMEMBER WHEN WE USED TO SNUGGLE AND HAVE ENTIRE CONVERSATIONS BEFORE ELEVEN O’CLOCK AT NIGHT? MAMA LOVES YOU!”
Being busy, while trying to be merry and bright, while being an introvert, is …
And then today came and more hustle was required and I couldn’t find my hustle. It was hidden deep inside and I had to coax it out. I was all you will wear this lello shirt and stripey socks and comfy shoes and you will just do all the fings n stuffs because when you are all done you can drink eggnog and blog from your sofa. I gave myself check marks and pep talks, too. you’re doin great, joey! look at you go! almost done, joey! I’ll have you know I gold-medaled in peopling today. I made the nice chat and listened to other people piss and moan and said things like, “No, no, after you” and y’all, I even held a crying stranger baby.
Today was a sunny day and there were hardly any people anywhere I went until I went to the grocery store. They were all, every Indianapolis resident and their mama, at my grocery store. I had to park in an area of the lot I had never even driven in. I had to go back out and ask a man for his cart when he was done. Do those people not eat the other 51 weeks a year?
I decided to do turkey again. They only had six huge frozen turkeys. I did not want a huge turkey. I walked round and round looking for a smaller fresh one. No dice. When I got back to the frozen turkeys there were only four, and there was another mom checking them out! We discussed the brand and she brought up the price and holy shit, I got a 22 pound turkey for $15 and change.
I had the task of purchasing gag gift items for not-my-child, and I asked three employees where to find the freakin _________ and the third one was the charm, which is good because I swear, I was but a moment away from collapsing and crying for help.
I finally made it to the back of the store and by then I had to pee and I legit did not want to leave my cheap frozen turkey unattended for fear that it would be purloined. There were some moms in the cat food aisle, and they had a ham, yes I checked before I asked them, “Did you ever have to pee, but couldn’t, for fear someone would steal your turkey?” They completely understood, and watched my turkey.
A man old enough to be my father asked me if I could help him open his produce bag and I said Of Course and as I helped him, he got all nervous and practically ran away with his half-wrapped goods mumbling something about how he better get his wife’s approval on the asparagus. Hand to God, she looked at me like I had been trying to steal her husband. Jolene Mottern, produce hussy, asparagus pusher. That’s me.
I’m supposed to be done by now. I mentioned I might make a super quick trip out tomorrow and then The Mister suggested that I do a fing he’d said he was going to do and I said, “I thought you were going to do that?” and then he blah blahed logistical bullshit that made total sense and now I have absolutely no interest in making my super quick trip to do a fing because it’s going to end up being a dreadful, patience-grinding excursion which may well crush my happiness and destroy my will to live because
I am a weak-ass bitch and did I mention I’m tarrrred?
If I can barter that errand for housework, I’ll do it. Otherwise, fuck off. Neither of those things are for me AND I HAVE DONE ENOUGH and he is snoring on his couch already. Although, there is a Starbucks over there…
I just wanna light candles, sing Christmas songs, bake cookies and be merry and bright. Seriously, completely dedicated to being merry and bright.
How are all of you?