Yes, I can keep a secret. I’m super good at keepin secrets. No one has ever accused me of bein a blabbermouth.
On rare occasion, I realize something I’ve said was not supposed to be said and I apologize and wonder why on earth that’s a secret, but generally, I am the soul of discretion. I told you I’m a safe place to put wayward emotions.
But I love gossip.
I mean, the other day, Sammy D. wrote that she hates gossip, and I almost took away her woman card. Say what?!?
I turned to The Mister, “Gossip, love it or hate it?”
“Depends.”
“Gossip about someone you don’t like?”
“OH!” His eyes lit up as the smile spread across his face, “Yes!” He clapped his hands.
Then he was sad I didn’t have any.
I am the antithesis of those people who tell everyone everything. I mean, if I mention my heavy cramping and a desire to eat my weight in burritos to Mrs. So-and-So at 9am, by 4pm, half the people I know will know for sure that I am a woman of childbearing age, although by the time that many games of Telephone are played, I may well have had a miscarriage or an abortion or my husband has beaten the uterus out of me for cheating on him with the pretty waiter at Los Rancheros. You just never can tell.
I’m not saying it’s nice to spread gossip, and it’s definitely a virtue to stop lies, but it’s delightful to hear things through the grapevine.
Source is crucial. Gossip is best when it’s from a reliable source and has substance.
Scenario #1
I usta order soaps from a friend of a friend, and one time, the new soap didn’t smell like the old soap and I wanted her to send another soap, but all she was willing to do was refund my soap purchase. She said often times hormones make things smell different. I said my husband and kids smelled the old soap vs. the new soap and it’s not a hormone issue. Still, no new soap for me. I stopped buying her soaps.
Then about two weeks later, because of our mutual friend, I found out the soap lady was expecting.
“Whose sense of smell is outta whack?”
Mmhm, whatever, Soap Cunt.
Scenario #2
I never understood why Jane was so paranoid about her husband, Dick. Could Dick never speak to any female ever? Why so jealous, Jane? Not every woman who speaks to Dick wants him, you know. Some of us already had him…and although we still love him, we have moved on.
Over a decade passed before I found out, via Dick and Dick’s mother, that both Dick and Jane had had affairs. Of course, as soon as Dick told me about it, Jane wrote me an email in which she called me a “hone-wreaker” and threatened to expose me to my husband.
Scenario #3
Those moments when you find out certain people, who are regarded as pillars of self-proclaimed, for-the-Bible-tells-me-so morality, have in fact, been married to others previously, and are actually married to their current spouse because of an unexpected pregnancy.
But don’t marry a divorced person, don’t get a divorce, and under no circumstances should you have sex before marriage.
Hypocrisy is so delicious.
Secrets are the missing puzzle pieces. Once you hear the secrets, everything else falls into place.
Now, without a credible source, new information is just a rumor. Rumors are a lot of fun, but they’re just rumors.
My favorite rumors about myself are that I invented my husband for online purposes and he’s not real, that I’m a lesbian, and that I slept with my male EdPsych professor. (Obviously these rumors were generated and spread by different groups of people at different times.) None of these things are true, but they’re exciting, aren’t they? My Gawd, I’m a brilliant, fascinating, complicated person!
Do you love gossip? Are you the keeper of secrets? What rumors have been spread about you?
joeyfullystated 
I am THE Keeper of Secrets among my people. Thats ok though, cuz I get to tell you. 😉 😛
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I tell you a lot of my own secrets, too! ❤
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Omg! The soap cunt!!!! These were all wonderful. I haven’t heard too much gossip about myself, although I don’t necessarily care. That doesn’t mean I don’t love gossip though! I don’t like to spread it, so much as hear it. I don’t think that makes me any better though.
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I’m glad you liked it! I tell everything to my husband, beyond that, I’m not much on spreadin gossip, but oooh, I do love to hear it.
I know what you mean about not caring — as long as my loved ones know the truth, I’m good 😛
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Haha definitely!
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Who doesn’t love good credible gossip????? The neighbor is banging the mailman that good stuff to know!
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Right? 😀
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I’m not too big on gossip. The only time I tend to engage in it is with my husband, because I know it stays between us. With anyone else I try not to gossip, and I also try to head it off at the pass. Otherwise, if I let someone talk about someone else with me, I spend the time worrying about what they say about me behind my back! Plus, gossip has a way of coming back and biting you in the butt. Of course, I’m referring to negative gossip. Positive words are always good to share.
See how boring I am, Joey?
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Ah, Carrie, you’re a good girl. Your mama must be so proud 😉
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I don’t know. I’ll have to eavesdrop next time she’s gossiping about me. 😉
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I’m not much for spreading gossip. If I hear something juicy, I’ll tell my wife but that’s about it.
So, about this fictitious husband and your affair with the mailman’s wife…
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If The Mister were fictitious, I’d write him home more often 😉
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I have huge hair full of secrets as well. Idk why people who are practically strangers want to spill their deep, dark secrets to me. My “please stop talking” face must look like my “oh, do go on” face. If I know it is a secret I will keep it that way. I do love me some gossip, though. Sorry to hear you wreck hones.
I am a rumored hone wrecker as well. The chair of my department when I was a grad student was fucking an undergrad but apparently everyone (including his then wife) thought it was me. The wife took my friend to lunch to ask how best to confront me about it so my friend squashed that, but come to find out the secretary in the office was telling everyone with ears that the professor and I were secretly having an affair. That rumor provided a good cover from what he was actually doing, so I’m not sure he tried really hard to stop it. I don’t much care what people think of me so it didn’t phase me!
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I know what you mean. People will tell me anything, and sometimes, there’s just no way to forget it.
I asked a nosy question to my MIL last summer, and she did me a real kindness. She said, “I wish I didn’t know, so I’m not going to burden you with it, Joey.” Very kind. I don’t need to know stuff like that!
I dunno who started it about me and my prof, and I was late to know, but so many things made sense after I found out that’s what people thought!
I don’t care either. Only matters what my loved ones think!
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I like gossip, but I hate celebrity gossip. Especially with has-been or never should have been famous celebs. That said, I do like the source to be credible and some sort of evidence before I pass it on. Since my circle is so small, usually what I have to say is not some new revelation.
Oh, and “soap cunt”, I want to call whoever sells soap for any reason, whether they are good or bad people that from now on. Just sounds right together. Soap Cunt. Like Ice Cream Man. It just fits. “Hannah, we’re out of your body wash, do you think we should go see the soap cunt today?” Gold.
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Hehe! Thanks, Josh 🙂
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Horse Face. Do you remember her? She was the best for juicy gossip and rumor 🙂
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OMG Horseface! Gah! I’ve been told by two of her many men that she’s divorced now. She seemed so nice…until she wasn’t! Still, I keep her secrets.
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“Soap cunt.” My god I am proud to know you.
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And I you, thanks 😀
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“Soap cunt” – phrase of the day. I’m so going to call one of my friends this the next time we’re drinking and refuse to explain it.
I’m the secret keeper. Unfortunately, because people will tell you some shit you didn’t even want to know. I like to hear gossip, but I don’t pass it on. Not because I’m a good person, but because I’m stuck listening.
According to rumors, I’ve also been a lesbian, hooked up with my high school English teacher (so you got me there), and broke my hand in a fist-fight (spread by the teachers at the school I taught at, because they thought it was funny to scare the kids).
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There’s somethin about some people that makes others think they can just bare their souls to them…
Good grief, that’s about the last thing I’d want anyone to tell my students! Way to promote violence, teaching staff! lol
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No gossip for me, I’m a confidentiality geek! Funny, people feel comfortable telling me gossip (usually disguised as a prayer request or “can you help me with a situation?”) because they know it won’t go anywhere. I think this is mainly because of habit. I’ve always worked in situations that demanded confidentiality as does my husband. Also, I have a short memory; I just don’t remember stuff. In one ear and out the other 😀
Best gossip ever spread about me was that I was pregnant in high school. This started because a male friend of mine stole a decorative rabbit that I had hanging in my closet. He said, “Your rabbit is dead” and back then, that was code for being pregnant! Thanks for the memory jog, and very gunny post, Joey 😀
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I’m with Carrie. Your piece is ambitious and funny. I’ve just seen gossip hurt too often. You can take away my woman card. I’m generally more comfortable hanging with the men anyway. 😎
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I’m not always literally lol-ing when I type those three letters but “soap cunt” prompted a loud cackle that would have startled the dog, had we had one.
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Oooh I love a bit of gossip especially when they involve people that look down at others! I can keep a secret when I need to though!
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I reckon I’m pretty good with secrets. I try not to spread gossip, though, in case people start thinking that I gossip a lot, and then stop telling me all their good gossip! 😛
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That is the thing, isn’t it? You have to be discerning, both for truth and for propriety. It’s an art.
I may keep a thousand secrets, but I know which actual gossip to share with whom.
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I absolutely love this Joey! I don’t know how it happens that you can be over there and I can be over here, and yet the things that you write are so much the things that I think!
Soap Cunt! Literal LOL, and a snort!! (I thought I was the only deranged potty mouth who called acquaintances cunts for minor misdeeds?) PLUS I have moments where I think “why the fuck would you keep that secret?”
I have been to parties where I scan the crowd, looking for Bitter Bitch to sit and crowd punch with.
I think one day we must either meet, or write a juicy-bitch fest novel together.
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Thank you! Yes, I should like either of those ideas, if not both at the same time 🙂
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I’m gonna need real caffeine, and I’m gonna smoke a LOT.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if I just showed up? Hahaha…
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I can, but I think we’d get on fine 🙂
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Mister – “What do you mean she’s from Australia and she’s come here to drink coffee, laugh, bitch, smoke and write a novel?”
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He said his reaction would be, “Welcome! Smoke outside and have a good time!”
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I have people spill their guts out to me. I don’t pass them on in my town but I certainly “dish” on my blog! It is fun to tell gossip but I don’t do it to anyone who would repeat it or actually know the person. I do worry, like Carrie, about “karma!”
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