2.7.2020 FRIDAY!

I feel a twinge of guilt posting before I’ve read y’all, but I’ve had a week and it’s time to turn the page!

After seven years, I know what keeps my readers coming back. Smiles and laughter — and a bit of the bizarre, non?

Let’s start with obvious humor, my morning hair.

Mentor has nice thick smooth lie-down hair like a shampoo model, so I’m always trying to explain to her THE WRANGLING. I think this photo helps.

You know who else has nice thick smooth lie-down hair like a shampoo model? Moo.

She got it from her daddy, obviously. I mean, he’s bald now, but when he had hairs…

You guys! When I went to work Monday it had become February! February! Wow, I didn’t see that comin! Monday wasn’t too bad. I got a lot done on Monday. I worked late. I left when I was satisfied. I love to feel accomplished and satisfied.

My Tuesday began with a woman rolling down a car window to publicly shame me. I was in the middle lane and she was behind me, but she wanted to get way up ahead of me so she could catch the green arrow to turn left. I know, because she honked at length. I was the one car too many in her way. I feel that. Happens to us all, yeah? Unfortunately, even if I got right up on the ass of the car in front of me and even if she drove a tiny car, there was no way she could get through. So she just had to honk and be mad about it until our light turned green. As punishment for this crime of safety I committed, she cruised alongside me and her passenger leaned out to shout at me in passing, “SHAME ON YOUUU, WHITE BIIIIIIITCH!” I know I’m a bitch, a white bitch at that, but alas I do not feel shame. Aye, it was a Tuesday.

It was a wet and dark morning, one that never lightened up. Tuesday was made of gloom and funk. Wednesday, the gloom lingered, and the snow and ice began. The sleeting.

Our family had a bit of “Who’s on first?” comedy.

For the love of puppies! That’s my line, and he used it ever so cleverly! Ahaha! Oh the LOLZ!

I’m making bruschetta tonight. I’m hyped!

This weekend I have plenty of time to enjoy my pajamas and read blogs. Let’s knock this Friday out!

Happy Friday Everyone!

Posted in Random Musings | 67 Comments

Timing

Rather than sit on the hard, concrete hard bleachers and spectate at swim, I’ve been timing swimmers. The Mister has done this for a long time, but I only started a few months ago. You must understand: giving me a small electronic device with buttons and numbers isn’t advised. I don’t know if you understand. I’m pretty sure Bubba’s the only one who can truly understand my horror, because more than anyone, Bubba has had to assist me with small electronic devices and their buttons, let alone numbers.

I wasn’t timing before because I was sure I would muck it up. Then one day one of the Swim Moms who isn’t my husband emailed about the need for timers. She wrote, “Don’t be afraid, you can do it, we can show you how!” So I bravely responded with “I am afraid, but I will do it.”

That’s why a man gave me a small electronic device with buttons and numbers and said Blar push, blar blah, yadda-yadda reset, blar. Everyone nodded and I immediately asked The Mister, “What?” My husband began explaining to me and it sounded very mansplain-y, so I nodded to him, too. Then I casually walked over to a group of mommies and asked, “Can you show me how to work the buttons?” and a mommy showed me, and it was easy, and I didn’t muck it up.

HOWEVER, some of the stopwatches are jacked. All the lil round black ones seem to be troubled.

So, the other night, when I went to the meet, I was delighted to see I had been given a square red stopwatch with my clipboard. We timed the first 10 or so events and then during diving, The Mister and I stepped away briefly. When we returned, he stopped to talk to someone while I proceeded to my seat WHERE ANOTHER MOM SAT.

She was sitting in my seat, holding my clipboard and my pencil. I had no idea what to say. These are not technically my belongings, but are loaned to me for a short spell. We all get what we get. It’s not assigned or anything. Pick a lane and commit for a few hours. I couldn’t imagine why she’d want my spot. Not wanting to seem territorial or anything, I said, “Hi!” in my upbeat way. This seemed to startle her and she said Hi, but warily. I sat down beside her. I sat there with her stupid round black stopwatch, her clipboard, and her pencil, and I wondered if my husband would time with her and I would time with her husband or if either husband would attempt a correction. I don’t know the last time I felt so awkward and bewildered, I’m imagining math at a chalkboard.

Diving finished and some time passed before the mom finally shouted, “Oh! This isn’t my seat! I’m sitting in your seat! Now I know why you looked at me crazy! I see this isn’t my handwriting, and this isn’t my sheet!” We had a good laugh and we switched back. And don’t you know I was happy to have the square red stopwatch again?

Here’s a funny, awkward, bewildering video, it’s worth the click, ferreal:


Happy Friday Everyone!
May your weekend lack awkwardness and bewilderment and may you share many good laughs.

Posted in Random Musings | 50 Comments

Did Someone Say Busy?

I guess Just Jot It January is Busy today.
I’m busy! Yay! (well it’s not good business to have nothing to do, now is it?) Besides, I’d rather be overwhelmed than idle. I’m not good at idle. You ever had a boring job? Like mind-numbingly dull? I.can’t.do.it. 

Today I left early, having to collect babies. I had already secured my peaceful evening by asking The Mister, “Can it be egg sammich night?” around 3:30.
I am so clever, because he loves egg sammiches.

Tomorrow I shall fetch takeout. Unless he wants to make pancakes. Prolly takeout. 

I’m about to experience a busyness reduction because swim season is wrappin up. I’m pretty sure only one kid is doing spring fings, but either way, less demanding than swim. Shout out to The Mister for all those early practice drop-offs while I snooze on. We tease him all the time about what a great Swim Mom he is, but damn, we appreciate him.

I jotted! I’d insert my JusJoJan badge, but I only have last year’s.
Can you believe I used to do JusJoJan every year? HOW did I do that? Did I get up earlier? Maybe it’s because I wasn’t a good sleeper then. I’m a much better sleeper now. Look at that, it’s almost nine and I’m tired. In the words of Moo, “It’s naptime.”

catticus cuddles
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Shoulda Been a Doors Post

We bank online. Our only brick and mortar branch is in San Antonio and we can’t make it to Texas every time we wanna bank, so we bank online and through an app on The Mister’s phone. It’s good. I love our bank.

My work uses an actual bank not far from our office. On occasion, I visit that bank to do business. It’s as I remember literal banking. The branch is shiny and spacious. The staff is well-dressed and they smile and make small talk as they efficiently process our transactions. I like it. It’s good.

This week, I ran a banking errand for work and went to a whole nother kinda bank. A credit union, actually. It was a bit of a drive. I was glad to arrive, and decided my way back to work would be better than Google’s lemme-take-you-round-the-block route. But first, banking!

Credit union place has metal detectors within the vestibule. The first door is free. The second door is locked and requires approval from the door god.
BEEP!
The voice of BEEP spoke to me, saying, “Put the metal in the tray…” or someshit. There was no tray. I set my keys on a ledge. Said ledge was about the size of my husband’s hand.
BEEP!
The voice spoke again.
I took my phone (metal case) out of my pocket and set it on the ledge.
BEEP!
“Put the metal in the tray…”
My coat has metal buttons. I took my coat off and set it on the floor.
BEEP!
“Put the metal in the tray….”
My handbag has metal hardware.
BEEP!
“Put the metal in the tray…”
I set my handbag under the ledge.
BEEP!
“Put the metal in the tray…”
I took my earrings out and put them in my handbag.
BEEP!
“Put the metal in the tray…”
i got copper rivets in my jeans and underwires in my bra and for the love of puppies, how sensitive is this thing!
BEEP!
“Put the metal in the tray…”
BEEP!
“Put the metal in the tray…”
Finally, not the voice of BEEP, but an actual human voice told me, “Go ahead and come in.”

MERCY.

After some reassembly of my assemblage, I drove back without Google and this should clearly illustrate what it’s like to live in modern times. Rather Dickensian.

“I wish you would make up your mind, Mr. Dickens. Was it the best of times or was it the worst of times? It could scarcely have been both.”

Happy Friday Everyone!

Posted in Random Musings | 65 Comments

Monday Morning Meh

I’m okay. I’ve just been busy and stuff.

I have problems like everyone else. I mean, I don’t have the same problems, like we’re all sharing the problems, although I suppose some of us share some of the same problems, but I’ve got my own unique set of troubles and worries. Much as possible, I don’t focus on that stuff.

Life can change in an instant. We seem to forget that now could be the moment before it changes. Those big memory markers in life, the ones that make you remember the date? They’re out there. You could wake up tomorrow and some shit could go down and then BLAMMO! Memory marker. These are the good ol days.

Sassy and I got pedicures and we were dumb and went in the middle of the afternoon on a Saturday, so we had quite a long wait. Some time passed and the tech told us she would finish up and we’d be next.
In came another mother and daughter who were not dumb and had made an appointment. At 1:35 the mom one asked, “Are you on schedule for my 1:30 appointment?”
The tech began to answer, but the mom one cut her off, “We have a wedding. We have to be back to the hotel by 3:15.”
Sassy and I were none too impressed because 1) rude 2) we were next 3) we didn’t believe they had a wedding because 4) what kind of people get their nails done the day of the wedding? We called bullshit on that. Also, to match her insides, the mom one had been beaten by an ugly stick and then blown-dry on a tilt-a-whirl, no ions, no serum, and I personally feel that even the tidiest, shiniest nails could not distract anyone from that mess.
Sorry, I don’t usually do catty, but this sort of entitlement never brings out the best in me. You don’t see me takin my mornin hair out, makin demands, scarin people.
I clutched my bottle of Cajun Shrimp, ready to walk out.
Fortunately, the tech seated us all at the same time and we were out before them, because it’s hard work to make pretty the feet of those who walk all over others. Tsk.

At the bookstore, I lost my husband. I could not believe how many bald men in black coats were in there. I mean, you would have thought there was a convention! I finally plopped down in a chair to read and soon enough he plopped down beside me.
You can bet I’m easy to find in my orange coat.

I bought a shiny new book. I almost never do that and I’ve done it twice this month. Remember when you were a kid and you actually laughed out loud at the comics? This:


Surely you have seen a few of these online, but to have a whole book of them? I cackled and snorted and hooted, I laughed so hard I cried and my sides hurt when I was done.

Because Laura, we installed the Cozi app on our phones. You maybe should try it. Share your grocery list and calendar with parties of your choosing. Genius. I recommended it to Mentor, who subsequently tried a few of the recipes from the app, none of which were good. Highly recommend app, do not recommend the recipes. Thank you, Laura, for making mom life a little bit easier.

Sassy’s addition to the list:

I bought so many sweets, I felt self-conscious at the checkout.

The weather certainly makes me want to cook soups and hibernate. Teens and not much snow, but it seems always to be wet and the wind is rippin!

I have to leave my family today. I can has good day anyway? I hope my work day goes by quickly and smoothly. If you’re at your leisure today, I hope your day ticks by slowly and happily.



Posted in Personally | 59 Comments

Twas a Tuesday, Twas

My morning began by discovering Diva Furnace failure. Happens every year. I went to work, “Mentor, what happens at my house every winter?” and she knew. She didn’t have to guess twice or anything. Diva Furnace has been meeting temps since I saw the panic-inducing 64 and with any luck, a new filter will suffice.

Sassy has a cold. She just got over one cold and now she has a new cold. Stupid Tuesday.

On my way to work, I saw a vehicle on fire. Fire!!! The fire was twice the height of the vehicle. I said aloud to Vivaldi’s Winter, “Lordamercy it sure is a Tuesday.” Of course, along with vehicle fires, there are firefighters, and I’d be lying if I said they didn’t cheer me some.

The phones rang mad today. We dunno. Everyone called, like their phones didn’t work until Epiphany passed and then they all called at once.

A man I am not married to wronged me today, but then he apologized. Small miracles. I made sure to tell my husband how the other man’s apology impacted me, just in case he was listening.

I fueled Blanche, but the thingy clicked before she was filled. I had thought fuel prices were extraordinarily low, but once I got back in and turned her on, I saw. Not full. So Tuesday.

Took Moo back to the orthopedist today. She was released from care and will continue with PT. While I was using the restroom, they took her back to the exam room, and when I returned, they seemed to have lost my daughter, but then, like, they found her. That could be a whole nother blog, but not today.

I worked late to make up my time, and also because once the phones are off, a bitch can get shit done. I text The Mister:

How sweet is that?!? Isn’t that the sweetest?!

Came home to goat cheese pizza, lovingly baked by my daughters.

All’s well that ends well, but that sure was a Tuesday!

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The Purple Monkeys in the Trees

The ramblings of children, while often entertaining, can be exhausting. Of course, I was an exceptional child and all the things I had to say were breathtakingly interesting and important, and I wanted my parents to listen. I would begin, “Did you see the purple monkeys in the trees?” and if they said no, then I assumed they were engaged and I continued. If they affirmed they had seen the purple monkeys in the trees, I would return at another time.

By the by, kids, you cannot do this with grandparents. They are playful and will talk to you about whether the monkeys might like to join us for supper or help set the table.

Later in life, I’d try the purple monkey ask at sleepovers. Is she really asleep? Should we freeze her bra or put her hand in a glass of lukewarm water? “Did you see the purple monkeys in the trees?”

Now, I pretty much use it exclusively for my husband, who falls in and out of sleep and may or may not know what I’m saying, but responds anyway. He knows this technique, so when he’s less in sleep, he’ll screw up his face and say, “NO!” or “I’m not sleepin!” all grumpy like.

*While you may know about purple monkeys or have them in your area, it’s important you understand that here in Indiana, we do not have any monkeys of any color in our trees.

Tonight, The Mister seemed to be dozing. Sassy turned to me and whispered, “Ask him about the purple monkeys.”

“Y’all see the purple monkeys in the trees today?”
The Mister nodded.
“I thought about pickin some but I’m not sure I have the right kind of vase.”
The Mister nodded.
“Might go on etsy and order a new one, I’ll use PayPal.”
“Text me the amount.”

I wouldn’t want his books to be off. We’ll see how this goes.

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Inspiration Can Be Snarky

Y’all enrich my life. You really do, thank you. I learn so much, am inspired so often. I simply cannot thank you enough for your online interaction.


However, I’ve been looking over your resolutions and I realize few of them will impact me personally and as a person, I am affronted. If you truly aspire to make the world a better place for me, I’ve got some suggestions:

Do your art. Write, paint, build, draw, sew, knit, restore, collage, garden, cook, bake, write songs, take pictures, create whatever pleases you — and SHARE.

Drive as if there are valuable humans in every other vehicle on the road.

Know your own reason before making an argument.

Don’t be a person with a two-and-a-half minute outgoing voicemail message.

Try gratitude.

Listen to your conscience and keep it clean.

Put the cart back in the corral.

When you meet people who have songs about them, resist the urge to sing to them.

Instead of bandwagoning, research and formulate your own opinion.

While exercising, do not allow your grunting and groaning to exceed the volume of my headphones.

Be kind to yourself so that you’re well-practiced in kindness.

Give change, lend a pen, hold a door, remember age before beauty in the ladies’ line.

Do not assume the worst of people.

Know that walking past litter while loudly complaining about litterers is not the solution.

Honey. More honey. Still more honey. Then, if absolutely necessary, vinegar.

Trust your gut.

Do not include me in group texts.

And finally,

If you’re already my kind of person, thank you for doing your part and please let me know how I can improve your world.*

If you’re not my kind of person, do try to be, it’s really for the good of all.


*Disclaimer: This joey no longer changes diapers or potty trains anything. This joey has weak hands and her own economic demands.

Posted in Personally | Tagged | 66 Comments

Pause

We have finished the leftovers from Christmas dinner. As part of it, I made Martha Stewart’s mac n cheese, which was suggested to me by Receptionist who DOES go on about it. I thought the recipe was a bit fussy compared to mine — hers involved pre-warming the milk and constantly whisking, bit fussy, but that Martha, she’s fussy. We all liked it. Although the consensus was mine is preferred, Martha’s mac n cheese reheats like a dream, tastes like it was just made, and there is something to be said for that. Nom nom.

There are still about 50 cookies left. I took some to work and everyone enjoyed them. As you may suspect, I do not work at a bakery, so when one of my bosses raved at length about my cookies, telling me those thumbprint cookies sell for $3 a piece at Panera and they’re not as good as mine, and then added, “You missed your calling,” it was quite awkward. Following that, I had to take him a draft which I know was not as impressive as my shortbread. However, I’m certain my draft was better than any baker at Panera could write. The revisions will be on my chair in the morning, so we’ll see.

I like knowing there’s a two-day pause in the middle of my week. I keep saying I worked Monday, but my Monday was Thursday and this week also has Thurmonday. I have driven my husband crazy about days and dates.

Everyone’s doing a sort of inventory or reflecting on 2019 or setting goals for 2020 and it gave me pause. I’m over here like “The sheets are clean and dinner’s in the oven” because I tell ya, I don’t need the end of December to remind me —

I’m overdue at the eye doctor and the dentist.
I colored one whole picture this year.
I only read 15 books.
My name isn’t listed on the YMCA 3x a week roll call.
I missed most of the photoaday prompts in December.
I fell behind at blogging, not only in December, but every single week all year.
Facebook thinks I died.
The gutters aren’t clear and the back hallway is not finished.

However, I have worked hard, and I must say, I have wifed and parented exceptionally well and I’m okay if 2020 ends the same way.

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I Believe in Christmas Eve

Can you believe my girls are at swim practice on Christmas Eve morning? Can you believe The Mister’s at work? Can you believe I’m home? I am!

I’ve been home a lot for four days and often by myself. Well, with pets.

I’ve had naps, too.

I read blogs this morning and I had time to enjoy music within blogs and now I’m listening to ELO “All over the wooooo-ooooo-rrrld everybody got the word” and I feel positively giddy! In a few minutes, I’ve got to go collect the babies and then I will return with the happenings.

I forgot I told them we’d get coffee after, and I had taken the dog so she got a pup cup, too. We are all done. The girls and I are all done, nowhere to go until Boxing Day. What a rare and special time. I can barely believe this is happening.

The weather is also unusual. There’s still snow on the ground and in the branches here and there, but it’s sweater weather. High today is 11C/51F and tomorrow? Christmas? Nearer to 15C/60F! Can you believe that? While I prefer a white Christmas, honestly, this sunshine is amazing. The skies are blue as blue can be.

no filter

Can you believe that sky?

I tell you another unbelievable thing — all the cards were sent and all the presents are wrapped.

The agenda is BAKING! Baking, baking, baking! Yay! Lots and lots of iced sugar cookies and thumbprint cookies because those are my favorites, Snickerdoodles for The Mister, and then a few batches of things with chocolate, because people do like chocolate. That, I’m sure you can believe.

Moo has begun to build her gingerbread house. The holiday is on! Now, if they’d just send my husband home…

Happy Merry Everything to you all!

Posted in Personally | Tagged , , , | 45 Comments