Kid Math: It Doesn’t Even Matter

Long ago, in what seems like a distant galaxy (our apartment) I had The Towhead Twins, Bubba and Sissy. Most weekdays, I also had my nephew and another child his age.

When you have two kids, more children are actually helpful. For some time, the children don’t fight with one another, and everyone is happy. After some time, any amount of children, who are people after all, start to get on each other’s nerves and then havoc is wreaked.
*It’s important to note that this works best when the additional are not your own.*
Other people’s children mind better. I don’t care who you are, this is the truth. If your personal truth is different then you are a liar liar pants on fire and you cannot come to my birthday.


After three, it doesn’t even matter anymore.

Four, five, six, umpteen, no difference. If they’re yours it gets more expensive and crowded and your time belongs to you less and less, but barring any unusual dynamics, any amount of children over three is basically the same as three. (Most people read that as more than two = too many.) People who have two children think people with four children are crazy and people with four children think people with eight children are people who have more children.


I know some people don’t like kids at all and that’s cool, I didn’t have them for you, anyone who’s got ‘too many’ children will tell you, it’s not that different.

Lots of boys = more loud booms and injuries
Lots of girls = more squealing and crying

Later, we added The Irish Twins, Sassy and Moo, to The Towhead Twins and then there were four. My husband can’t even hear high-pitched noises anymore.



There was a time in my life when my kids were all kids and they all lived in one house with cats and dog and goldfish and my house was the place to be. I would happily receive additional children, “Oh yes, it’s fine. Just let him stay here. No problem at all. Sure. Anytime.”
The people on the other side of the door would be like, “Are you sure you’re sure?” and “That seems like a lot.”
Because when you have one child, a peek into a household like mine resembles a nightmare.
“Does it? Does it seem like a lot?”

It’s not like I would know.


The only REAL, non-imagined problem with having four kids is that no one, not anyone in the world, will babysit all your children at once for free. If you’re lucky enough to befriend other people who have more than two children, then you can sometimes barter and trade. No one offers. No one says, “I would be delighted to take full responsibility for your four children so that you can dine in peace and fuck loudly.” Even grandparents don’t offer. You have to ask them, and then they exchange glances, and sometimes they can, for x amount of time, and you must decide whether you’d rather dine in peace or fuck loudly which takes about two seconds.
So, you know, if you have four children, you have the joy of four children, and the joy of free babysitting is denied to you, because you can’t have EVERYTHING or whatever.

Now my house isn’t as often the place to be. They’re teens now, so two is fiiiine, thanks.


But Moo still goes to homes where her friends are the oldest.
The other day, I dropped her off at Shay’s house and I thanked Shay’s mother for letting Shay spend the morning with Moo, keeping her company while everyone else was out. She said, “No problem. Anytime.” As she said it, she was sticking the Labrador in the chest with her knee because he wanted to lick me forever, two children were dancing and singing to a video on the tv, and a diapered child ran in to announce super important gibberish.
“Anytime something like that comes up, just bring her here, or I’ll bring Shay there.”
I asked if she was sure.

And you know what she said? “Absolutely. It doesn’t even matter.”

And we laughed and laughed.

That’s kid math.

Happy Friday Everyone!

Just Jot it January is brought to you by LindaGHill


About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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44 Responses to Kid Math: It Doesn’t Even Matter

  1. Dan Antion says:

    Four kids sounds like a church group or a Sunday School class. I once chaperoned a group of five kids on a field trip to the Bronx Zoo. I thought that might cause an aneurysm or something.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. orbthefirst says:

    I spent a number of years on & off with someone in my early to late 20s helping her raise her 4 kids. 3 girls, one boy. THAT was the experience that got me to “Ive raised enough peoples kids,” cuz before that, was my brother. Theres been one or two since, but nothing like back then…during “the craziness.”

    Having a full house was fun for a while, but Im over it now. 😛

    Love the pics. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Benson says:

    I agree 100 percent on your kid math. I only have 2 sons but our house was always the place for them and their respective posses to hang out. Sleep overs were common and you are so right about other people’s kids being more obedient. I gotta’ tell you your pics are absolutely priceless. They are the sweetest thing I have seen today. And I woke up with a cat sitting on my chest patting my cheek. Happy Friday to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Love it. We survived three, and only one daughter, but I also struggle with high pitches.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Love the photos – the noise and happiness leaps from the screen.
    Which, I confess makes me squirm. I’m one of those “selfish biatches.”
    Please explain “Irish Twins” when you have a moment.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Selfish bitches are important. I’ve been there before and I hope to God I live long enough to get there again 😉
      Irish Twins is a title imposed upon babies born back-to-back, as one is wont to do when one eschews birth control. I did not eschew birth control. Birth control was no match for Moo. I’d wanted a Moo, but in a few years…Best surprise I ever got!
      Anyway, mine are 14 months apart, a grade in school apart. Irish Twins. That Baby and That Other Baby, my SIL says. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. ghostmmnc says:

    Love the photos! Those ‘teen’ books titles hahaha! … We only had the 2 girls, but I think I was the ‘kool-aid’ mom of the neighborhood back then. I didn’t mind at all. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. All that commotion…lovely, and I miss it. I only had 2, but I welcomed all the friends we could…relatives lived at a distance, or they would have been there too. There’s a price to pay for not getting babysitters, and for being the Kool Aid mom, but it’s so worth it. 💖 💘 💝

    Liked by 1 person

  8. My M-I-L had 4 boys and she always says, because she had so many kids, no one ever invited the whole family to dinner. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Jewels says:

    I enjoyed this immensely, and love, love, loved all the pictures! ❤
    I miss being amidst mass amounts of children…

    Liked by 1 person

  10. JoAnna says:

    This is hilarious and very true. I only had two kid but it was great having others over. Now mine are grown up (technically) and moved out so I miss having kids around. If we lived in the same town, I’d be happy to “babysit.” But to be honest, after the first time, I’d probably say, you’ve got 45 minutes, maybe I can stretch it to an hour. I’m just too old to do more than that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I’m glad you liked it. I don’t know how much I can take anymore, or would be willing to later… It’s exhausting when they’re babies… I think I can still handle a large group of kids, but you’re right about the time limit, I don’t think I have the endurance!

      Liked by 1 person

  11. One thing I noticed about all of your kids in the photos Joey, was that they were all laughing and look happy!
    I would have loved to have had more than just one child, but it didn’t happen. i think it is lovely to grow up with a few siblings 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. jan says:

    I had a friend who had five boys under the age of five at one time. That was tooooo many kids! She was dead set on eventually getting a girl. Love the kid picture – adorable.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Nancy says:

    Well, my hubby and I are that couple who, although they intended to have four children, stopped at two because the sleep deprivation was too much to handle. However, as a stay at home mom, I always had a crowd of other ones at my house. Like you said, other people’s kids listen better than your own. I liked to think they were a good example for my own!😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      As others mentioned, being the “Kool-Aid Mom” definitely has its perks! The sleep dep is something everyone warns you about, but until you’re in it, you think maybe yours will be different…Haha!

      Liked by 1 person

  14. loisajay says:

    Oh, how I love the books! Where were those when I was raising my 3 kids?! You know, your love for family shines through every time, but especially in this post. You’re a good mom, Joey.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Thank you for having them for us, less fortunate ones. (hic!) 😉 But truly, it’s in their eyes, and yours, have a look. You all are happy. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  16. larva225 says:

    I love love love this one. And I wish I could get you in front of my husband’s face so that someone other than me can tell him that kids are loud. They make noise. It’s part of the experience. He can’t seem to grasp that, thundering on and on that we’re horrible parents and not raising our children correctly – to be quiet at 3 and 6 whenever asked. 😒

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I wonder if it’s a man thing? My husband not only thinks kids should be about 50x quieter, but also that they shouldn’t touch everything. I’d just look at him like he was crazy, cause he is, and give him an emphatic “THEY’RE CHILDREN!”
      Enthusiasm is good. Let’s not beat it out of them at a young age 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Ally Bean says:

    Child-free here, but I enjoyed this glimpse into your child-full world. You handle it all very well. I’m impressed.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Laura says:

    This is perfect Kids Math. I know a few people like you — one of them is, in my opinion, a unicorn in that she only has one kid herself but is all about “SURE! Send ’em in. One to sleep over, five or ten, it’s all the same once they’re running around playing light sabers!”

    Liked by 2 people

  19. Anxious Mom says:

    Love the photos!

    After my dad’s second marriage, there were five of us. The looks we’d get!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Skipah says:

    When Sloane was still at a Catholic school I used to go to school events and all these families would have a minimum of three usually closer to five (and usually one in the oven) and I would be like “What the Fuck are you people thinking!”

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Joanne Sisco says:

    I’ll have to take your word for it … I barely survived 2 boys with my sanity intact.
    Having said that, over the years son #1 has accumulated an entourage, and that entourage is now a normal addition to our family get-togethers. The four of us have morphed into nine … and it works just fine ❤

    … but if you think that 5 additional adults aren't the same as a house full of children, I remind you of the "alcohol effect" 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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