I had a few ideas about what I wanted to do with my day. I thought I could write, paint, quilt, or bake. Maybe I could do two but not more than that.
Oh, I should tell you my days, all my days, involve other tasks that are even more boring to read about than writing, painting, quilting and baking. (Unless you are a writer, painter, quilter, or baker.)

Once Moo went down to a friend’s house and Sassy was caught up in a movie in the other room, I decided on writing. Nice quiet space I had.

At three o’clock, it was time to roast the chicken. I opened the chicken up, took out his bits, and lifted the faucet handle to rinse him. Faucet no work-y? No water? Hmm. Well, dammit, I had chicken goo all over my hands, didn’t I? Had to wash my hands in vinegar, and then use more vinegar to clean the vinegar bottle.

No water in all of house.

Pipes musta froze, I thought. Strange, since it’s been warmer here, but maybe the crazy winds did it in the night.

Put heating pad under the kitchen sink, took blow dryer to pipes under the main bathroom sink.
Went outside to see if I could use the blow dryer on the spigot…You know, it was awfully warm out there…


Look up weather. 48F. Uh…

Text husband, “Call.”

Took the blow dryer to the master bath. Nothin.

Didn’t we just pay our water bill? Like, Wednesday?


Looked up number for the utilities. It is the worst website, ever.

Husband called.
“We have no water.”
“Whaddya mean no water?”
“No water. Not in any of the faucets or the tub.”
“Well I had a shower this morning.”

All I had done was use the bathroom and wash my hands, and that had only been once. But if he had a shower, then that means the pipes didn’t freeze in the night.

“Did we pay the bill?”
“Was it late?”
“Was it past due?”

(Apparently husbands don’t like it when you ask that question, because the “No!” actually sounded more like, “No, you stupid fucking bitch!”)

“Well I’m just checkin, since you went in and I did not, and maybe you meant to pay the bill, but you picked up the recycling schedule and talked to the lady and forgot to pay the bill, how we humans do sometime.”
“No, Joey, I paid the bill.Β Call them!”
“K, well I was lookin up the number. Can’t find it, but I’ll call them.”
“What do you want me to do?”
“What do you mean?”
“What do you want from me?!?”

“Nothing? I don’t know what you mean? Why are you yelling? I’m trying to figure it out.”
“Well I don’t fuckin know!”
“Well what could it be?”
“Look for water around the house.”
“Like where, exactly?”
“All around the perimeter.”

*tromp, tromp, tromp*

“Looks all dry.”
“Go under the house and see if you see anything.”
“You mean in the crawlspace?”
“You don’t necessarily hafta go in, just shine the light around and see if you see any puddles or spraying.”

I guess this is what I wanted from him? He has experience in residential claims. He knows things I don’t know.
I can’t imagine if I didn’t tell him. I try to envision it. He comes home, we’re all hectic lookin, the dog’s dehydrated and panting, there’s no swate tay, there’s no dinner cooked, and he tries to wash his hands, “WHAT THE FUCK?!?”
“Oh I’m sorry Baby, did I not mention the water’s been off since three? Would you like a Co-Cola?”Β 
You know what he’d say, right? “What the fuck?!? Why didn’t you tell me!?!”

So I’m walkin through the yard, takin the torch to the crawlspace…
“Hey! I see a utility truck. Hang on. Oh yeah, it’s a utility truck. Imma see what this is about. I really wish I was wearing a bra.”
“Haha, yeah, I bet.”
“Well I don’t look very pretty, maybe they won’t even notice.”
“Haha, okay.”

*tromp, tromp, tromp* Oh yeah, lookin so gorgeous in polka-dotted capri pajama pants, bra-less in a tee shirt, with big ol’ winter boots…*tromp, tromp, tromp*

Walked up to worker men around big hole in the ground. Β Had flashback to the plumbing disaster of Labor Day 2013.
“Is this why we don’t have water down there?”
“Are you fixing it now?”
“Main burst?”
“You fix a lot of these?”
“Oh yeah, all the time.”
“How long do you think it will take?”
“About an hour.”
(Because of the plumbing disaster of Labor Day 2013, I speak plumber, so about an hour is three.)
“Alright. Thanks.”

Hung up with husband. So relieved not to have plumbing issues in our house! Yay for busted water main!

Oh look, our neighbors have a new water feature! How pretty. Really, I think it’s kinda pretty.

I love puddles.

Honestly, this was an ironic day.
The neighborhood was already partially flooded due to the snow melting. About the last thing we needed was more water.

Moo called me and tried to tell me she couldn’t make it through the water at her friend’s house to come home. “Come outside Mama! Look at all the water! It’s like a moat!”
“Yes, I see it. Do you see how Lily’s little brother just hopped the fence on the porch? You can do that, just like him. You’ll walk through that moat and be back before 5 o’clock, or I will come over there to bring you back.”
“Yes Ma’am.”

I ordered pizza because I couldn’t cook, and when the pizza got here, the water came back on. Go figure!

Can I just say how glad I am that I didn’t choose painting today?

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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33 Responses to Aitch-Two-Oh-No!

  1. LindaGHill says:

    Water, water, everywhere, and not a drop to drink! Ironic indeed. Did you enjoy the pizza at least?


  2. I actually think it’s kind of pretty too! Hope it’s all sorted soon… And vinegar? Nice touch. I’d have just wiped it on my clothes like all men.


  3. meANXIETYme says:

    Thank GOODNESS no water problems in, around, or under the house. Been there, done that, got the wet t-shirt. Glad you got your water back before bed time!

    We, too, have the melting moat (which we call the swale-stream) running through our back yard. The dogs love to tromp through it, drink it, splash it around…but so far have not complained that they can’t make it home from the farther part of the backyard because of it.


  4. hoodyhoo says:

    Good on no painting, but still? Chicken bits plus no water makes Hoody something something…


  5. Sherry says:

    you tell a great story…I’m envious, but in a good way…lol…


  6. suzjones says:

    Caught short with chicken goo on your hands? Ugh!!!
    At least you weren’t quilting either. Chicken and fabric do not mix.


  7. spacurious says:

    β€œGo under the house and see if you see anything.”
    I had to stop here for a while to picture you actually going under the house.
    I’m done now and feeling awfully grateful I live in an apartment right now.


  8. Pingback: Turnabout is Bitchcraft | joeyfullystated

  9. Kat's Den says:

    Glad I had a chance to play catch up this morning. Loved this one. Some days are just like this, right? Only when we’re elbow deep in chicken goo does the water go off. Sigh…..


  10. Matt Roberts says:

    I was reading some comments about you eating the crusty corners. I grew up eating pizza with people who would only eat the slices with the least amount of crust, so I had to grow to like the crust, cause that’s all I’d get. Now, unless I’m eating pizza by myself, I always eat the crustiest pieces, just to get them out of the way. It’s a thankless job. I do enjoy the gooey middle goodness, but I eat the crust so everyone else can be happy. 😦


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