Hollerin About Challah

Cause bitchin on a Tuesday is my new joie de vivre.

When I came home at 7pm, I immediately shouted at Moo, “Why aren’t you working on the Challah?! You’ll be up til midnight baking Challah!” I had to yell, cause 1) Moo was asleep and 2) As we all know, I’d be up right along with her, makin sure the house doesn’t burn down.

I supervised the yeast. Then I just sorta stood around nagging about leveling flour and counting carefully, how mothers do.

Moo is like her brother in myriad wonderful ways. She has an admirable moral compass, she can math in her head, she likes to try new things. Of course, she has less desirable traits like Bubba, too. I struggle to understand how I’ve raised two children who don’t know where anything in the house is.
“I don’t even know where the bread flour is.”
“Still in the bag, next to the rolling pins.”

Can I just say we have a baking cabinet?!? In which she did not even look?!?

Moo made this sorta exasperated face and threw her hands up. I had to point, to the counter, where the flour was in plain sight, next to the rolling pins that have lived there as long as we have.
In case you think Moo is unfamiliar with the look of flour or rolling pins, No. She has been baking breads with me since she was, I don’t know, four? five? Little.

baking
“Where is the yeast?”
Lawd.

Moo doesn’t share the language of common household items, particularly furniture. End table, coffee table, dining table, sofa table — those are tables undefined for Moo. The language of Moos is always entertaining, but at times it’s frustrating as well because I literally never want the dough rising on the coffee table. Never.

Anyway, the Challah business was for extra credit at somethin called East Feast.

Initially, I was asked about quinoa or hummus or Israeli salad and these arguments went on way too long because I was tired and empty and that’s when children get at you.
“Quinoa!”
“Quite costly for 150 kids who prolly won’t like it. Also, doesn’t travel too well once there’s cheese in it.”
“Hummus?”
“Oh my word. Boil and drain and shake and peel and food processor. Ugh!”
“I’ll clean the food processor.”
“But it won’t actually be clean. Do we still have tahini? You know this is why I just buy the Meijer hummus, right? And what will you serve it on?”
“We could make pita!”
outta yer ever-lovin mind
“No. Cucumbers?” 
“No, Mama, kids hate cucumbers. I don’t wanna be that girl.”
“You love cucumbers!”
“Israeli salad!”
“For 150?!? And also, IT HAS CUCUMBERS! We have some spelt flour. Bake some bread.”
“What’s the significance of spelt flour?”
“It’s ancient.”
“But is it special?”
“Are quinoa and hummus and Israeli salad special? You know what’s special? Challah.”

Children become exceptional arguers around the age of eight. This one’s had five years of practice, but I’ve had thirty-five years of practice and it was an insanely busy week, so I won.

I don’t always have EIGHT POUNDS OF BREAD FLOUR on hand, so yay, more shopping! You know, cause extra credit.
About an hour after buying the additional flour, I received Moo’s electronic gradebook update and she had 93.15% in social studies, and I do not understand this need to excel further into excellence. I blame her father.
Her father slept on the sofa during the baking, because he had out-excellenced himself since dawn. He said he didn’t want to go to bed, because he didn’t want Moo to burn the house down, but truly, he didn’t want to go to bed without me. He set an alarm for the first batch, but he slept through his alarm, and we turned it off, and then about twenty minutes later he awoke to say, “Smells like bread. Check the bread.”

Moo wanted me to help braid the dough. I don’t know why. I’m a kick-ass hair braider, but when it comes to Challah, my braiding looks like Cthulhu has attacked the kitchen. I refused, because not only have I aced geography but I’ve also aced Challah.
As it turns out, Moo is a fabulous braider.

Oh no, now she’ll be asked to braid future bread too! Hahaha!

IMG_3258

We finally packed it up at 2 o’clock in the mornin. She wanted to take two sticks of butter. I wouldn’t let her take but one. I suggested she take a jar of strawberry preserves. She said, “People don’t like jam.”
Who the fuck doesn’t like jam?
Moo herself eats jam like it’s life.

She took nine loaves of Challah, the one stick of butter, and the jar of preserves and came home with nothin.

I kept one loaf, and secretly stashed another one in the oven.

IMG_3262

I tell you what, I ate a few slices, warmed, slathered in butter and blackberry preserves, and I feel like it was worth it.

That’s my extra credit.

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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80 Responses to Hollerin About Challah

  1. meANXIETYme says:

    Shouldn’t it be JOEY de vivre??

    ALSO OMG THAT CHALLAH LOOKS DELISH. No wonder she came home empty-handed!

    Liked by 5 people

  2. I want some to go with my morning tea right now! I’m so glad it was a big hit at school for Moo!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dan Antion says:

    Oh my, that looks delicious. “Kids dont like jam?” Well there’s what’s wrong with America. I say Moo should start thinking about running for president. She’s got my vote.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. One of the best parts of being married to an amazing Jewish man is Challah. His Mom didn’t make it, but she knew where to source it. One of the other best parts is kugel. I still miss her kugel. Moo is a very lucky girl to have a Mom who does these things with her. You are a very lucky Mom to have a Moo. 🙂 I just love your posts.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. John Holton says:

    You’re a good mother. My mother would have said “tough shit, kid, you’re on your own.”

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Ellen Hawley says:

    I’ve learned to make challah (it’s one of those things about living in Cornwall–no challah, no real bagels unless you want to settle for round rolls with holes in the middle, unless you bake them yourself. But eight pounds of dough? Shit, I wouldn’t even know where to start. You’re a hero.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I bake, and that’s a huge project. Challa makes great french toast too.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. That Challah looks fantastic! And, the combination of butter and blackberry preserves on a warm slice of it sounds delightful! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. orbthefirst says:

    Ive never had challah bread and that looks excellent.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. LOL, again! This whole exercise is Moo’s way of tellin mom, you’re “kneeded”! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  11. oooh… I may have to break my carb-fast and whip me up a batch o’ braided challah. Nicely done, Moo – and mum.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. marianallen says:

    Mmmm, that Challah looks aMAZing! Imma hafta make some my ownself. Or you could send me your Moo for a while. I wouldn’t keep her long. ~blink blink~

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I asked her about it and she looked at me crazy, so I’m thinkin no. But you should totally make some. And for the love of puppies, add JAM 😛

      Like

  13. loisajay says:

    People don’t like jam? Fortunately for me, I don’t know those people. Don’t wanna know those people…..don’t like jam? Challah looks excellent! Glad you stashed a couple.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. JoAnna says:

    Warm bread. Warm challah. Now, my mouth is watering. It’s great you are teaching her this stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. bikerchick57 says:

    The Challah looks amazing! There is nothing much that compares with warm-out-of-the-oven-bread with butter and honey or butter and JELLY. Mmmmmm. Makes me sad that I only have sprouted grain bread and a toaster. You receive 5,000 extra credit bonus points for teaching Moo how to bake bread at a young age and for staying up until 2:00 am to make sure the house didn’t burn down.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Alice says:

    Um.
    …what’s a “sofa table”??

    Liked by 1 person

  17. JT Twissel says:

    I’m not a jam person – extra butter is what does it for me. That b&w of Moo is award-winning – really. I love it.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Erika says:

    That looks amazing. But 2AM? Lord, I’m glad was content with me signing up to bring grapes for his Roman feast #lazymom

    Liked by 1 person

  19. It sounds yummy. I love when they wait until the last minute to let you know they need to make something that actually takes work! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      My son was a last-minuter, and as a result, none of my girls are, cause I refuse. I remember a time when he was in 4th grade and came home to me on some random weekday, asking for a shoe box, sand, leaves, rocks, dirt, shells, toothpicks, and tape for a soil diorama DUE TOMORROW. We lived here in the city and it was winter. That was my breaking point! LOL I thank him for that now and again 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  20. Now I’m hungry again 😦

    Kids can be sooo frustrating!!! I hadn’t really any real practice with them until two years ago when I married my husband and inherited his kids.

    The younger one’s naughtier, but much charming and he loves me; the older one’s the harder to deal with especially as he’s starting his tweener years (he seems to treat me as close to being the enemy). I really hope to God I become the right mom for them (they hate that I’m strict, which is necessary because they’re a handful!!!).

    I’d like to be able to bake. But I’m hardly a baker, especially not a cook, and we don’t have the proper equipment, plus ingredients cost much here…I do love jam, too 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Strict is good, I say, cause strict worked for me. Tweens and teens are a hard time, because we are the enemy in a way, but it’s important to remember, to a degree, that’s normal and expected. It does NOT make it easier, but good to remember 😛

      Hopefully your boys won’t come to you on a Tuesday and demand to bake!

      Liked by 1 person

  21. Benson says:

    Challah is a wonder. All fresh made breads are special but Challah is almost magical. Warm with bitter and jam. Mmmmm. Might have to make some.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Ally Bean says:

    Hilarious story. I adore Moo, but can see how her personality quirks could get in the way of the making of the bread. Honestly, you should receive mother of the year for not choking the child when she said no one likes jam. And suddenly, I’m hungry…

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I know, right? Again I ask, Who the fuck doesn’t like jam?
      But then, see, another blogger said she isn’t a jam person… so they do exist.
      I am also hungry. Toast?

      Liked by 1 person

  23. Joanne Sisco says:

    I’m sitting here thinking ‘have I ever had Challah?’
    I’ve seen Challah in bakeries, but I don’t think I’ve ever had any – let alone make it myself.
    {hanging my head in embarrassment}

    I bet Moo had Rock Star status that day at school!

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Skipah says:

    When is Moo’s own line of baking dishes coming out? I’m assuming the was literally the cat’s ass at school with these incredible looking dish! Way to go mom!

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Has Moo ever had a desire to visit New Hampshire? Be sure to let me know. We could do adventures every day but just maybe she’d bring her bread making skills with her and bake while she was here??? Fresh bread with butter and jam = food heaven. 🙂 I’d give her double extra credit for life. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  26. That looks gorgeous, Joey. You and Moo did a spectacular job 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Beautiful results! Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Laura says:

    Moo clearly has a drive to excel herself into the mid- to upper-90s range. I applaud her (but probably because I didn’t have to get supplies & supervise Challah making for 150). She has also learned well at the bread master’s knee because DANG those look good. Be proud, mama!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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