Time Has Meaning

Around the time I begin this draft,Β I’d be bout ready to go to work. I’d have my face and hair done and as I’d close my laptop, I’d say to my kids or my pets, “I hate this time of day.” I’d have panicky feelings about leaving. Then I’d have panicky feelings about driving. Then I’d get there and the panic would stop, cause focused.
Today is different because my hair is in one of those ponytails where only the part up to the band has been brushed smooth. I wear my Pusheen tee and sweats, no makeup.
Moo turned to me a few minutes ago and asked, “Are you happy you don’t hafta hate this time of day now?”
“Yes. Am happy, thanks.”
*eats pickle*

I plan to be pickle-eatin, tee-shirt wearin for several weeks, and then I’ll see what’s out there to focus on. I gave my two-week’s notice yesterday, but at the end of the day, I was told I could hand over my office kip and not worry about coming back.

Two weeks with my kids before they go back to school again.

IMG_3735

This time matters.

My father passed Sunday morning.
He had FaceTimed me for the first time ever the night before. It was good to see his face and the light in his eyes, even if he barely resembled the man I remember. His slender countenance reminded me of photos of his mother when she was a young woman, a thought I kept to myself at the time.
I was grateful to hear his voice again. I am now even more grateful.
I’m still processing my grief. It comes in memory snapshots. It comes in phrases. It comes in an onslaught of emotions. Meaningful, but uncontrolled and indiscriminate.

IMG_3781

This time matters.

I have time to process, more time to write and stare at my trees, more time to balance myself out. I’m in a weird place right now, which is okay, cause I was in a bad place before this weird place — but The Hanged Man winks at me and The Rolling Stones give me a song to sing.

I’m with my family and this time has meaning.

IMG_0669

Do you feel time on your side, too?

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

101 Responses to Time Has Meaning

  1. Dan Antion says:

    I’m sorry to hear about your father. Take your time with figuring out what to do next, but you know that. What kind of pickles?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. eschudel says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your father. It’s good you can spend time with your family now – enjoy that time! My thoughts are with you…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Jewels says:

    I’m so sorry to hear of your father’s passing, Joey. Sending you and yours big hugs and lots of love. xo ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  4. So sorry to hear of your loss. Wonderful to get one last conversation though.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Of course I’m also sorry for your loss. I have yet to experience that as both my parents are still alive, but one day I’ll know what you feel. You’re blessed to have family with you who love you and surround you with that love. Not everyone does. I pray that your time is full of meaning and peace, that you have time to mourn and time to begin just a little to heal. And I pray that whatever you do next will be something that fills your soul rather than makes it anxious.

    janet

    Liked by 3 people

  6. orbthefirst says:

    Love you joey. Glad you guys got to see each other not long before. I know how much that means. Im here for you if you need. *Hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad. It’s not easy. It will be easier in the future, but never easy. Time for your family is important. Time for yourself is important. Of course, time to eat pickles in one’s t-shirt is important, too.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. JT Twissel says:

    So sorry to hear about your Dad. Changes are always easier to process if you have the time. I don’t know how many times a day I wish my children were home getting ready to go to school.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Yes. I have my parents, my love, my dog, my country all around. Other relatives. Soon my sister and my uncle too. A big party on Friday for sis’ 40. Doing a playlist. Swimming. Eating ice-cream, fish, Slovenian stuff. It matters. Inhale it. And I love the ponytail. ❀ *shakes my own*

    Liked by 1 person

  10. meANXIETYme says:

    Oh Joey, I’m so sorry. I’m glad you had some moments with him before his passing. And that now you have the time you need to grieve and process.

    I wish I could sit and eat pickles and stare at the trees with you. I’m thankful you have peeps there who love you and are there for you.

    (This spoke to me, I don’t know if it will speak to you as well… http://www.thatericalper.com/2015/08/16/person-is-asking-for-advice-hn-how-to-deal-with-grief-this-reply-is-incredible/)

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Carrie Rubin says:

    So sorry to hear about your dad’s passing. My thoughts are with you.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Josh Wrenn says:

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. bikerchick57 says:

    Hugs for you, Joey, during the grief processing. I’m glad you were able to face-time with your dad because the memory of his voice will always be there. That is what I remember most about my dad, even after five years – his lovely gruff voice. Glad you have this time with family.

    If you’re bent on eating pickles, I recommend Vlasic zesty bread and butter pickles. I am not a big pickle fan, but these I can eat like candy. Yum.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I had feared so many times, so many times when we got off the phone, I didn’t want to, because I feared I wouldn’t hear him again. I am forever grateful our last conversation was like that, face-to-face, with voice. I WILL remember it forever.
      I am so glad I’ve been given the gift of time right now. ❀
      I've got bread n' butter pickles in my fridge, they're Vlasic, but I don't think they're zesty. I like them with grilled cheese (sorry) and tomato soup and Fritos, cause that's a Gramma at the Lake meal and the pickles are essential.
      Much like cheese, I've never met a pickle I didn't like.

      Liked by 2 people

  14. We could sense you were having a rough week, but not aware of anything like this. You have my deepest sympathy in the loss of your father, but I am so happy for that last, meaningful contact. I think I understand. I traveled to see my Dad, delivered a gift that I could have sent by mail. He passed 2 days later in his sleep. I will always be grateful for sharing that time.

    Take your time with the grief process, honor his memory and take advantage of these weeks with your family. Thinking of you, and wishing you peace, Joey.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I am glad you made the trip to your father and had that last interaction as well. It makes all the difference I think. Literally my first thought and spoken word when I got the call was, “I am so glad we FaceTimed last night.” So grateful.
      Thanks, Van. ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Sorry for your loss. I’m sure your memories of your father will help you through this sad time. Perhaps writing some tributes to his life in your blogs will help you deal with missing him. Take care of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. loisajay says:

    Joey, I am so sorry about your dad. Glad your two-weeks notice turned into ‘now’ and you could leave and be done with it. Enjoy your time off. Take care of yourself. XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Susanne says:

    So terribly sorry about your dad, Joey. Yes, this time is precious and important and you need to be with your family and let yourself go through all the emotions. Thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Oh, Joey! I am SO sorry for your loss. This distance thing is terrible for I find myself in the same predicament as you with my mom. There is a silver lining here … now that you have hate time out of the way you can settle in and be you with your family at a time when the jigsaw puzzle has come undone. BIG HUGS!!!! And Much Love! πŸ’žπŸ˜˜πŸŒΉπŸŒΊπŸ’•πŸ’πŸŒˆ

    Liked by 2 people

    • joey says:

      I am truly grateful for this time to myself. A few silver linings in one, I say.
      I’m sorry you’re in the same predicament with your mom. I spoke to mine today and told her that God forbid the day comes when she is unable to care for herself, I will not do this again. She must come here. That is that. And she said, “Yes, Dear.” She’s about 700 miles closer than my father, but it’s not a pop-over-and-check-on-her distance. Not at all.
      Big hugs and much love to you, too, Amy ❀

      Liked by 1 person

      • My mom lives with one of my sisters and her daughter so she is most definitely not alone. I’m on the outside looking in and the main decisons are made without any thought or advice from me. I’ve accepted this. Big dysfunctional family and I choose to not be attached so I Love from afar. Taking care of an elderly sick parent is very emotionally taxing and physically at times impossible. Just for now, Joey, grieve for the parent you just lost and then go from there. You can only handle so much and right now your emotions are all over the place. Take good care of you right now! ❀ ❀ ❀

        Liked by 1 person

  19. Norm 2.0 says:

    My sincerest condolences Joey. I wish you lots of shared hugs and “I love you’s” with those who matter most to you. Lean on each other and take all the time you need. It’s at times like this that we truly realize that family is more important than anything.
    Take care of yourself my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. JoAnna says:

    I’m deeply sorry about your dad passing. It’s is a weird thing. My dad passed in January and the waves of grief have gotten further apart, but they can still be an indiscriminate onslaught when they come. Feeling these feelings is hard but better than stuffing them.To answer your question, time was clearly on my side since he died right after I retired from my job which gives me time to process and go through his stuff. It is a very good and wise thing you are doing, spending time with your kids. I’m so glad you got that face time.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Benson says:

    Joey I am so sad for your loss. If there is ever anything I can do just ask. Eat your pickles knowing that you are loved by many.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Words. ARGH. Words don’t do it, but it’s all I got, hon. So, please, know that I want to give you a big ol’ hug and a tear-y smile and a giant pickle barrel of crunch.

    with much fondness
    ❀

    Liked by 3 people

    • joey says:

      I believe you. Words are just the worst in these matters, and it’s best to accept them all with positive intention. I feel your support and I appreciate the words. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

  23. Alice says:

    Oh Joey. ❀

    Holding you in my thoughts: your grief, your pickles, your love of family, your thoughtfulness about time. May the Weird Place be good to you. May your heart find ease…

    Liked by 2 people

  24. Ally Bean says:

    Time matters. Always. But in this case in such a personal way. I’m sorry for your loss. And hope that you’ll take all the time you need to grieve.

    Liked by 2 people

  25. Joey, I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s wonderful that you were able to FaceTime. I’m sure that will be a treasured memory. Sometimes we think we have all the time in the world, and then there are those moments that remind us that time is precious.

    Pickles are delicious. I don’t know why I don’t eat them more. Early in my teen years I would eat them daily at my grandmother’s. My dad’s sister is the same age as me and we would concoct strange things. We discovered that dill pickles sprinkled in parmesan were quite tasty.I hope you find relaxation during your pickle eating, tee-shirt wearing time.

    Enjoy your time with your kids and looking at your trees. I hope your soul finds peace there as you grieve. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I believe you about dill and parm, absolutely. You should eat pickles more, you know, health and all that.
      I am sorting myself out, and takin my time to construct some linear connections. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

  26. marianallen says:

    HUGS, Joey. HUGS. I’m so sorry for your losses. Losing your dad is profound. My grandfather served in place of a dad for me, and I still miss him all the time. But, in that way people tell you about, it’s true that he’ll always be with me. My mother and #4 Daughter and I say the things he used to say and share stories and memories, and his gentle presence persists in trying to make me a better person.

    I’m also very sorry for your job loss. I hope you and Mentor are still connected (after all, she gave you a pickle!). Even though it was you who put in your notice, there must have been a reason, and I hope the bad taste of it passes soon.

    Again, HUGS.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I agree he’ll always be with me, he lives on in me and in my kids. I am so glad you feel the same. It had been years since he was a physical presence in my life, but I will, forever, be Daddy’s Little Girl and Mommy’s Little Basketcase.
      Mentor and I plan to get together when I’m more sorted, have a little lunch or dinner and catch-up. I hope that we’ll always make time for that. Bad taste is best rinsed-out with words of kindness and ice coffee, don’tcha think?!?
      Thanks for the HUGS ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  27. larva225 says:

    Oh merde, I’m so very sorry. I can’t imagine. Many, many virtual hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Laura says:

    I’m reading these comments and you’re so clearly loved, Joey. So many people sending hugs your way, knowing we can’t ease your pain, we can only let you know we’re here. I remember that weird place — take care of yourself and hug on your lovies every day. ((hugs))

    Liked by 1 person

  29. Oh Joey, I am so sorry for your loss.
    I am glad for you that you got to see and talk to your Dad on Face time. I know how much that meant to me when my Dad became ill and I had managed to get to see him one last time.
    My thoughts and best wishes are with you and your family. Take care of yourselves. πŸ’–πŸ’–

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Sorry about your loss. It sounds like it was not expected which is a big shock. And you left your job. It sounds like it was not all positive there with the way it ended, but sounds like it is good to be out of there. Hope you can take all the time you need to sort through it all.

    Liked by 1 person

  31. I’m sorry to hear about your Father. One is never fully prepared for the loss of a child or a parent and I don’t think we ever stop missing them and grieving them, though it gets easier.

    This moment is precious. This moment of being fully conscious and present in the world.
    For as long as we’re alive we are part of something none of us fully understands. And that
    makes each life and each moment precious.

    Liked by 2 people

  32. Reblogged this on Art by Rob Goldstein and commented:
    from Joyfully Stated

    Liked by 1 person

  33. chris jensen says:

    methanks you for sharing!

    hugs chris

    Liked by 1 person

  34. Erika says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your dad, Joey ((hugs)). On your job — I’m glad you’ll have more time for yourself and your family. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  35. Oh Joey, I’m so sorry for your loss! Isn’t Facetime wonderful! You’ll have the memories of his face, and that conversation always. I hope in time those memories bring you peace, and comfort.

    It’s neat that your two-week notice turned out to be, “okay, you can go ahead clean out your stuff and go today.” I know you’re going to treasure every moment of the time before your girls go back to school. I loved summers with my kids, and dreaded sending them back to school. I’m dreading sending #1 Grandson to school just the same. I’ve always needed them way more than they need me. πŸ™‚

    Pickles! Oh, hope it was a great, big, fat, juicy dill! I love almost all pickles. When I was a girl there was a deli a few blocks away next to the hobby shop where I would buy a great big, fat, juicy, dill picked by me right from a big barrel of em! Oh gosh, I hadn’t thought of that place or the hobby shop in ages! A pickle was $1 and when I was 10 that was my whole allowance! The deli is long gone, the hobby shop too, and the mall where they were located has been revamped twice and looks nothing like it did then. I wish I had photos of them, but the memories are pretty great. Thanks for opening that file in my brain!

    Sending comforting hugs! xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I was sorta torn about the two-weeks vs go now, because I hated leaving everything so unsorted and whatnot and I felt it would be more fair to Mentor if I were to complete certain tasks and delegate others — but I only felt that way until I got in my car. On the drive home I realized this time was a total gift.

      I am also a pickle-lover from early childhood. I can remember rides in the carrier on my mother’s bike, to the store, where the butcher or whomever gave me dill pickles bigger than my hands were at the time. Now, it seems to be cookies at the deli, but I always got pickles as a kid. That store, whatever it was isn’t there now, either. I am glad to share my pickle love with you and bring back happy thoughts. That particular pickle was a big deli dill that Mentor had given me on Monday.

      And — Thank you. πŸ™‚

      Like

  36. John Holton says:

    Very sorry about your father. I’m glad you got a chance to talk to him before he passed, even if it was over the Internet.

    Enjoy your family.

    Liked by 1 person

  37. Your post was written so beautifully, Joey, I’m so very sorry about your dad. How lovely that you have the memory of that last conversation with him. Take care of yourself, xx.

    Like

  38. Thank you for this, the first I’ve read of you, as it popped up as a “suggested read” in my feed today. As a complete stranger, I can extend only the inadequate phrase, I’m sorry for your loss, but I offer it with the empathy of one who lost her father a few years ago, and a prayer that miracles of comfort and solace abound in the coming days, weeks and months.

    Thank you, too, before I go, for the reminder that time matters, and how much I miss my mother’s pickles.

    Liked by 1 person

  39. I have not experienced what you are going through but I can imagine the heartbreak. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. So happy you will have time with your kiddos before they have to return to school. Love and Peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  40. Skipah says:

    You have our condolences from Katie and me :(. I know you had told me before your pops was in poor health, but it still sucks! Glad you got to Facetime him before he went. I’m positive he passed on smiling ear to ear that he was the father to one super intelligent daughter that had overcome obstacles in life and still made the best of any situation! He might have questioned your sanity while you lived in Georgia, but dads are always allowed to question their daughters choices at any age :). Sorry for you loss Joey :(.

    Liked by 1 person

  41. Joey, I apologize for my late condolences. I am so very sorry about your beloved dad. I’m happy you were able to connect and spend some time together the night before he passed. And, it’s understandable that you want time to think and be—there’s comfort and wisdom in solitude. Sending thoughts of love and support to you and your family. πŸ’—

    Liked by 1 person

  42. Joanne Sisco says:

    I’m so late to reading this post and terribly sad for you. I know you will have been awash in emotions for the past (almost) 2 weeks. Big virtual hugs, Joey ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  43. Just catching up on my blog reading, so sorry to hear about your dad. I love the way you wrote the post. 11 years later, I still have moments of grieving the loss of my amazing father-in-law, but time has softened the bite. I hope you find the same.

    On a pickled note, have you tried cornichons? DD & I are big fans.

    Liked by 1 person

  44. ghostmmnc says:

    So sorry to hear of the passing of your Dad, Joey. Sending peace and light to surround you and your family during this time. We never know from day to day what may happen, so I’m glad you had that final conversation with him. ((( ❀ ❀ ))) … (Sorry, I'm late in reading about your loss. It wasn't intentional, as I miss some posts along the way.) Take care, and may you have many snuggles with your family and pets.

    Liked by 1 person

  45. I am very sorry for your loss but glad you have extra time with your girls. The nicest thing a previous employer can do is tell you get lost those last two weeks – a gift from the heavens.

    Liked by 1 person

  46. reocochran says:

    Oh, this is the day you tell us. It’s very good you had FaceTime with him. I’m glad you had some moments together. Even still nothing takes the place of a parent. . . I am very sad to hear this about your father. I hope you will receive a sign. Mine was on the way home from the service there was a quiet moment with my youngest daughter Felicia, sitting and looking out at the lake. A falling star, then another. She said (age 16): “Grandpa is playing with the stars.” and I said, “Leave it to him to think he could rearrange them better!”
    If you leave yourself open, this may happen in a totally uniquely (your) Dad’s way. I love the Stones and think time is on my side. Yes, I do. xo 🌳❀

    Liked by 1 person

Tell me about it:

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s