Brian is the boyfriend/fiance/husband in line behind me at the grocery. Brian is never right. In fact, Brian is such a useless twat, I don’t know why Hat Lady even shares her time with him. Hat Lady is probably not her given name, but she wore a hat and I avoided eye contact.
“OH MY GOD, all these coupons are expired! Who has coupons that expire?”
fuckin everyone, hat lady
Brian mumbles about the rewards program and tries to explain how it works.
“We are NOT shopping here anymore!”
good, cause i shop here all the time
“Brian, I will not calm down. I’m not angry. I’m angry because this store doesn’t even have things we like! Why are we shopping here if they don’t even sell things we like?”
i see you like some things, as you have them in your cart, angry, not-angry
“Brian! They don’t have vegan things or anything gluten-free. Nothing I like is here!”
is that winter wheat ale? bitch, you know that’s gluten, right? got wheat right on the label
i do believe those red peppers are both gluten-free and animal-free
“They don’t even have my yogurt!”
*also gets upset when her yogurt is sold out* one point for hat lady
“God, Brian, this was a total waste of our time. Now we still have to go to Whole Foods and they close in 25 minutes!”
Brian mumbles about how he can go out in the morning.
“I still won’t have my —” I swear she says something about keto gelatin superfood infused sprinkle creamer but I don’t know what she’s actually saying because I have no idea
“Buy ten get ten free? Who on earth would buy ten candy bars?”
i do. i buy them. and my kids get pissed when daddy doesn’t
Brian thinks it’s a good deal. Brian says, “Anyone who wants ten more for free.”
“No one needs ten candy bars! No one! That’s terrible!” Hat Lady is aghast.
“Twenty candy bars.”
not when you live with a chocoholic and two teenage girls
I am vigilant about stocking the snackies drawer with the good and bad. Sometimes including 20 candy bars. I hafta live here, ya know. To some degree, I have got to give the people what they want.
I walk around my cart to put the remaining bags in. When I turn around, Brian has moved his cart to the pay station and I cannot be with my wallet or use my card because Brian’s cart.
“Pardon me,” I say, pointing to the pay station, “I still need to pay.”
“Sorry,” says Brian. He pulls his cart back.
“BRIAN!” Hat Lady scolds him, “What were you thinking?!?”
I look at Brian. I take a good, long look at him.
Hey, Hat Lady! Women love a good rescue. Plenty of women would love to take Brian home, give him a bath, fry him some chicken, and tell him what a good boy he is!
Say it with me, now.