Poor Brian

Who’s Brian?
Brian is the boyfriend/fiance/husband in line behind me at the grocery. Brian is never right. In fact, Brian is such a useless twat, I don’t know why Hat Lady even shares her time with him. Hat Lady is probably not her given name, but she wore a hat and I avoided eye contact.

“OH MY GOD, all these coupons are expired! Who has coupons that expire?”

fuckin everyone, hat lady

Brian mumbles about the rewards program and tries to explain how it works.

“We are NOT shopping here anymore!”

good, cause i shop here all the time

“Brian, I will not calm down. I’m not angry. I’m angry because this store doesn’t even have things we like! Why are we shopping here if they don’t even sell things we like?”

i see you like some things, as you have them in your cart, angry, not-angry 

“Brian! They don’t have vegan things or anything gluten-free. Nothing I like is here!”

*scrutinizes cart*

is that winter wheat ale? bitch, you know that’s gluten, right? got wheat right on the label

i do believe those red peppers are both gluten-free and animal-free

“They don’t even have my yogurt!”

*also gets upset when her yogurt is sold out* one point for hat lady

“God, Brian, this was a total waste of our time. Now we still have to go to Whole Foods and they close in 25 minutes!”

Brian mumbles about how he can go out in the morning.

“I still won’t have my —” I swear she says something about keto gelatin superfood infused sprinkle creamer but I don’t know what she’s actually saying because I have no idea

“Buy ten get ten free? Who on earth would buy ten candy bars?”

i do. i buy them. and my kids get pissed when daddy doesn’t

Brian thinks it’s a good deal. Brian says, “Anyone who wants ten more for free.”

“No one needs ten candy bars! No one! That’s terrible!” Hat Lady is aghast.

“Twenty candy bars.”

“Even worse!”

not when you live with a chocoholic and two teenage girls



I am vigilant about stocking the snackies drawer with the good and bad. Sometimes including 20 candy bars. I hafta live here, ya know. To some degree, I have got to give the people what they want.



I walk around my cart to put the remaining bags in. When I turn around, Brian has moved his cart to the pay station and I cannot be with my wallet or use my card because Brian’s cart.

“Pardon me,” I say, pointing to the pay station, “I still need to pay.”

“Sorry,” says Brian. He pulls his cart back.

“BRIAN!” Hat Lady scolds him, “What were you thinking?!?”

I look at Brian. I take a good, long look at him.

Hey, Hat Lady! Women love a good rescue. Plenty of women would love to take Brian home, give him a bath, fry him some chicken, and tell him what a good boy he is!

Say it with me, now.


About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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58 Responses to Poor Brian

  1. Ally Bean says:

    Your snack drawer is amazing. I’m sure Brian would approve…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ghostmmnc says:

    hee hee! I love peeking into other people’s carts (and thinking to myself – you don’t need that). Overhearing conversations is fun, too!
    Nice variety in your snack drawer! We don’t have a drawer, but a whole one side of the cabinet!
    Aww, poor Brian…

    Liked by 2 people

  3. loisajay says:

    Heck, yeah–Poor Brian. These conversations kill me **slow eye roll to my husband** He so gets me now.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Pete Nunweiler says:

    “keto gelatin superfood infused sprinkle creamer.” That, my friend, is written art.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Maggie says:

    If Brian has ANY self-esteem he will go to the store alone one day and just disappear. It will be a mystery to most — except those who knew Hat Lady. Poor Brian.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Benson says:

    Poor Brian. You should grab your 20 candy bars and run. Hat Lady just isn’t worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Perpetua says:

    Here’s a smack to the Hat Lady … BAM 💥

    Liked by 1 person

  8. larva225 says:

    Girrrrrrrl. I would love to go grocery shopping with you and save the Brians.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Poor guy! He shouldn’t shop with her anymore.

    What’s Jiffy to go? Peanut Butter something right? We don’ t have those. I want 20 of those!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Norm 2.0 says:

    Hat Lady not nice lady. Brian can do better 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  11. John Holton says:

    Oh, that poor bastard. Hey, we need a snack drawer like yours.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. puppy1952 says:

    Poor Brian!
    The brands in your snack drawer are totally unknown to me – but they look delicious.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. scr4pl80 says:

    OMG how did you keep yourself quiet? Poor Brian for sure!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I think Brian needs an intervention.
    Please gather your friends and commence posthaste.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Dan Antion says:

    Poor Brian! Seriously, he should be looking in a different aisle than the one he found Hat Lady in.She sounds like she’s beyond the “best be with before” date. Buy 10 get 10 free? Who doesn’t want that?

    Liked by 1 person

  16. rvpackard says:

    Love this. I’ve seen lots of Brian’s. I’d fry him chicken too. Throw in some candy, vegetables & ice cream! Poor Brian.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. JT Twissel says:

    Poor Brian. Some women think they are the center of the world.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Amy says:

    Poor Brian!! I need a snack drawer like that! Our snack drawers empty very quickly. lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. I’m pretty sure cyanide is gluten free, and hemlock has to be vegan. Just saying…

    Liked by 2 people

  20. marianallen says:

    Wonder what Hat Lady is blackmailing Brian with to keep him from running. Maybe she’s kind to kittens. Maybe he thinks she’s funny. #SaveTheBrians

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Joanne Sisco says:

    I want in on that buy 10, get 10 more for free.

    Karma is going to get Hat Lady one day and it won’t be pretty. I hope.

    Run, Brian, RUN!!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Wow! Just shaking my head. Wow!


    Liked by 1 person

  23. Prior... says:

    It is funny how people reveal
    So much about themselves at the grocery store. Well
    For those who are paying attention / and in this case with them right behind you – well
    Poor Brian and the maybe poor hat lady cos that demandingness and neediness is sometimes miserable for the person

    And I have very limited options about snacks I can have and I think I could find a couple things in that assortment of snacks – mmmm – like what is that one that said No BS – sea salt and chocolate ? Omg – looks good.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Yeah, she’s not a well woman. It can’t be good for her, either, but there’s no reason to abuse Brian.
      Those are RX Bars, good for you, and they’re yummy IF you like dates. That brown one is my fave. I like the blueberry very much as well, although it repeats on me, lol! (But beware if you get them, they need a dental warning. Do not crunch haphazardly.)

      Liked by 1 person

      • Prior... says:

        Hahah to the warning – and my warning to you is that I’d probably be putting a couple bars in my purse as I left – kidding!
        And speaking of blueberries – the other day a you g lady was eating a two pack of blueberry muffins and there were no blueberries – they were cake jelly like crap! My my my!
        And lastly – my hubs just splurged on collagen bars from bulletproof – I hate them. Way too sweet and the ones I tried were mint chocolate chip and then this cookie dough.
        So disappointed –
        I will look out for the RX bars….

        Liked by 1 person

  24. Susanne says:

    Is that REALLY your snack drawer? I’ll send my husband to live with your family.

    Poor Brian and poor everyone else in that line-up that had to listen to her awful harangue.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Bill says:

    This gave me reason to LMAO, out loud, as I read it. I once asked someone to describe their version of a FEMDOM relationship was. I think they described the one you encountered.

    Liked by 1 person

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