Well, He Ain’t Eight

I lived through Bubba bein eight. If you have had an eight year old, you may recall. YMMV. If you know parents whose children are eight, you should probably do a kindness for them. They need it. Eight is a terrible age. Eight is the age children realize they know everything and regardless of their age, adults don’t know anything. They actually,Β  literally say “Literally” “Actually” and “Whatever” all the time or whatever.

All summer long, patrons of the pool told Sassy “Never have children.” The first time it happened, she told me, “This woman yelled at her kid and then looked at me, and said, ‘Never have children’ and I oop!”
“Was he eight?” I asked.
“Yeah, probably.”
“Mhm.”
At eight, Bubba engaged me in psychological warfare every damn day. Daily deliberate defiance, constant debate, unrelenting attempts to negotiate. I prayed and I prayed. I’d wake up in the morning, all tra-la-la, today is a new day, tra-la-la and then by 8am, I’d wave to him as he boarded the school bus and I’d mumble, “Good riddance.” God Bless his second grade teacher, Mrs. Roth. God Bless all the second grade teachers.
And living through Bubba being eight is how I know I can live through two more weeks of him living on my couch, cause this is better.
I love him dearly, but he’s on my couch. Now. Later. All. The. Time.

giphy

Lemme be clear, it’s not like he’s doin anything wrong, he’s just THERE.

At this point, I’m not sure who could be on my couch this long without disruption. I mean, after eight weeks, even Winnie-the-Pooh would annoy me.

“The couch smells like bear. Pots of honey fuckin everywhere. Sticky, icky, eww! Honey pots all over the coffee table and the dining table and on my kitchen counter, takin up the refrigerator, spillin out on every surface of the bathroom! I can’t hear myself Think! Think! Think! because you’re always over there exclaiming, Oh Bother! All we do is talk about Heffalumps and Woozles and I cannot possibly endure another game of Poohsticks and for the love of thistle, put some pants on! Do you hear Tigger calling for you? I think I hear Tigger calling for you!”

winnie-the-pooh-picture-quote

Sometimes the smallest things grow up to be really big and tall and live on your couch.

In case you’re curious, at eight, in addition to literally actually whatevering all the time, all my girls fully embraced their inner bitches and got smart with me. I, like my own mother, had grown into my breeches and had the good fortune of being an older, smarter bitch and that shit did not play.

But the boy one? So hard. So hard for Joeys.Β I know as parents we don’t always know what we’re doing, but I’m tellin you…

Happy Friday Everyone!Β 

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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59 Responses to Well, He Ain’t Eight

  1. Ally Bean says:

    This post needs to be required reading before any woman decides it’s time to have a baby. Granted you might get a girl and like you said that shit did not play with you, but the whole boy baby thing at age eight, welp– good luck. This made me laugh, never having thought of Winnie the Pooh quite in this light.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Thank you very much for the laugh πŸ™‚ I am pleased. This is very pleasing to me. Thank you.
      I love them all, all the time, but they’re people, just like me, and too much of anyone, including me, is never a good thing πŸ˜‰

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Rivergirl says:

    So the couch is his proverbial honey tree hole… and he’s stuck? My advice… pull!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Bill says:

    I don’t recall, but did it thrice. Happy Friday, y’all.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Joanne Sisco says:

    Poor Joey. Soon the couch will be yours again … and damn if you aren’t going to miss him! Funny how motherhood works that way 😏

    Liked by 2 people

  5. markbialczak says:

    Space is such a precious commodity, Joey.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Remember to still enjoy this age of your boy. From now he will grow very fast, more fast that you may imagine.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Susanne says:

    Winnie the Pooh is an undervalued philosopher!

    Yes, eight. I’d forgotten but perhaps that’s because one of the eight year old negotiators has kept on negotiating. I acknowledge my role in this, yes. The youngest never negotiated, she just did. Slyly. And continues thus. I predict great success or utter misery in her worklife, unless she is self-employed. What they’re like at eight is a barometer of what they’ll be like later, IMO. Good luck, Joey. Keep the spray cleaner close by to wipe up the sticky bits.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      I am so very sorry you continue to negotiate. Parenting is hard.
      I agree with your assessment, as they say our personalities are formed by age 5. Perhaps our parental roles are formed by their age 8?
      My Mentor is a doer, slyly. She’s very clever. It works for her. You have to believe in the doer as much as she believes in herself. She’s also run her own business in addition to our work. Do not despair?

      Like

  8. Dan Antion says:

    My only experience here was being the 8-yr-old boy and I’m certain I was a delightful child. I did enjoy this, laughed a bunch, and that’s good on a Friday – thanks!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. loisajay says:

    Oh, when they know it all. Had to clench my jaw and walk away lest I taught them some words an 8-year old should not hear from mama. Hang in there, Joey.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Right? Haha! I love how quickly they realize how much we know once they’re out there adulting. I love how now Bubba thinks I am knowing all the things like I did when he was five. It slays me. Freakin delightful.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Benson says:

    Marvelous little rant kid. Eight year old kids are the true test of parents. Not the terrible twos.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. eschudel says:

    Do they grow out of it? I mean, male entities and living on the couch?

    Liked by 1 person

  12. scr4pl80 says:

    You know, I don’t really remember any problems with the son at 8. The girls, yes, but not until the teen years. I’m having the problems now when he is big and tall but at least he has a room of his own (and I have a studio because of it) so…still it will be wonderful for all of us when he can move back into his own space. It’s terribly difficult around here though to find something affordable, especially when you are not making a lot of money. Ah, motherhood is a forever job.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Yeah, I think I mentioned before, I don’t know HOW people make a living there! I feel for this generation, I really do, especially in areas like yours.
      If you didn’t have it bad with your son at 8, you were hashtag, blessed, Lady! πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Sue says:

    My boy waited till he was ten to cut the apron strings! From 10 to 18 he was an angry Eeyore. Woe is me. Not my fault. Knower of all things! Pure. Fucking. Hell. Now he’s all grown with two of his own. Mama smiles. He’s gettin’ his!
    Fortunately, second one was my sweet girl. Sweet but sassy! Dunno where she gets that🀣
    It’s a good thing you can’t see your future. Parenting would be so last century.
    When asked about having kids I say, β€œBitter-sweet,” but I wouldn’t trade β€˜em for the world!

    Liked by 2 people

    • joey says:

      Sue! Oh how we could reminisce these complaints together! Sue, you are my people. LOL
      At eight, my eldest daughter could have run the entire household. She is bossy af, God Love her heart πŸ˜‰
      Parenting is hard, yo!

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Prajakta says:

    Stake your claim, Joey! πŸ˜€ They do call it terrible threes and great eights right? Am I making things up to drive you mad? Sorry, not sorry πŸ˜€ have a great weekend!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Jewels says:

    Haha love the Winnie the pooh analogy! πŸ˜‚ Hang in there Joey! Have a good weekend! 😊

    Liked by 2 people

  16. I remember telling my wife that nine was the perfect age. Maybe it’s because they were no longer eight. They survived by toning it down.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. JT Twissel says:

    I have an eight year old granddaughter and she thinks she’s eighteen. I have to really bit my tongue a lot – so much that it’s amazing I can still talk.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Anxious Mom says:

    Oof the negotiation. That was (and still is) so LM. Unfortunately for me, both of my kids started the β€œactually” before they turned four. I am so tired of that word. My husband said they get it from me though.

    Time to reclaim your throne πŸ‘‘

    Liked by 1 person

  19. I love this post, and what great timing. Hubby and I ate lunch out today and in comes a family with Dad, Mom, daughter about 8 and two younger sons. They sit in a booth with Mom on the end, except then the daughter decides to throw a fit because she ‘is not sitting next to her brother.’ Mom tried to reason with her and she threw a down right fit including slamming her hands on the table which got the entire restaurant’s attention. But, to the credit of the Mom, she stood up and ushered everyone out of the restaurant. By that time, the daughter was stomping like a marching band, the older of the two boys was pouting, and the youngest boy was screaming like someone was killing him. I loved the Winnie the Pooh characters – genius. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  20. bikerchick57 says:

    “…for the love of thistle, put some pants on!”
    Thanks for the Friday LOL, Joey. I don’t have kids, never had to bear the horrors of an eight year old, but I get it. Now you have a really tall eight year old on the couch. Are you charging him sofa rent?

    Liked by 1 person

  21. There is (obviously) so much I don’t know about parenting – for instance, I thought it was the twos that were bad?
    Trust me, I ain’t arguin’ with ya – and I wish you well as you navigate the blustery days!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Kat says:

    My male offspring stayed on my couch for what I know now was a year (cuz it felt like five at the time). I finally had the guts to say, “I don’t care where you go but you can’t stay here.” Out of spite he got a great job and moved all the way across the country. Now I’m dealing with the biggest little one who just turned eight. She thinks she’s tough but this Mother to the Second Power is tougher. (Not really but since the boy’s occupation I’ve developed a convincing game face.)
    Thanks for a funny and totally relatable post.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. JoAnna says:

    My girl gave me more trouble. But the boy came back home around age 19 with a girlfriend. Being recently divorced I thought, “The more the merrier.” That didn’t last long in a little house with kids aged 19, 18, and my girl was 12. Plus two dogs. What. A. Mess. Now he’s grown and responsible with a daughter and 6 hours away. It’s a distance that makes the heart grow fonder.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Amy says:

    Ugghhh…that phase when they know everything and you know nothing. I’m pretty sure it lasts a really long time! I have one past it, one that I think is past it (but that may be because he doesn’t live here, so my lack of knowledge doesn’t affect his daily life), and one that has arrived into the all-knowing space. I know you’ll enjoy getting your couch back! πŸ™‚

    Like

  25. This is so funny and so brilliant! OMG. Your girls embraced their inner bitches at eight? LMAO!!! I’m dying!

    Liked by 1 person

  26. May you survive two weeks reasonably intact. ‘You’ also being all of you.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. I think you’re right about being eight. My grandson calmed down when he turned nine.

    Like

  28. kirizar says:

    I needed to start my morning with a little Pooh video. (As opposed to a little poo video which is another thing altogether.)

    Liked by 1 person

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