I can’t keep up with my blog. Or my laundry. Or my nails…Because, house hunting.

So, at the risk of being totally lame, I decided I could rant blog about house hunting, even if my nails are now deadly weapons with noticeably frayed cuticles, cause y’know, can’t do nails while doing laundry.

In case you didn’t know, the word “realtor” means “can’t take a decent picture to save a life,” similarly to how “LaQuinta” also means “next to Cracker Barrel.”

Seriously.

If your real estate agent shows up with a fucking flip phone, fire him.

Yes, that IS full-size.

Honestly, unless you’re blind, or you don’t know how to operate a camera — when it’s time to list your house, take the pictures yourself.

Clean your house.
And if you’re just gonna swoop all the trash onto the floor, then don’t take a picture of the floor, you sicko!

Remove all personal aspects from your home. Like photos of your gorgeous tweens running through the surf, in their bikinis. The realtor will tell you it’s so the buyers can envision their own things in the house. Your Joey will tell you stranger danger is real, and buyers don’t need to know your children are beautiful.

Unclutter, unclutter, unclutter. Whatever you think makes your house a home? Half that. At least. If you hate empty spaces, and you fill every surface, nook and cranny with stuff, then you’ll need to remove almost all of your “stuff.”
People like to see what kind of space is available. Not everyone is visual, in fact, most people aren’t capable of seeing a room for what it can be, so you’ll need to help.

You should also remove your jewelry and your prescription drugs, because the buyers need to be able to envision their own diamonds and Dilaudid. This is especially important before showings.

First, take a photo of the front of the house.
GET OUT OF THE CAR, YOU LAZY BASTARD!

While this photo might be artistic (questionable) or  framed for Instagram, (why?) house hunters tend to see this, roll their eyes and ask, “What The Fuck? You can’t be serious!”

Take a picture of the whole house. You might actually need to cross the street to capture the entire image.

No one wants to buy this house. It’s got no roof, and no front yard.

Don’t stop with the exterior. Buyers are looking for a house they will live in, not just a house they’re going to come home to. The buyers want to see the space they’ll be living in. Hundreds, maybe even thousands, of people are going to see your listing.

I’m not going to waste my time or my agent’s time in scheduling a showing for a house with a nice exterior. I’ve seen hundreds of “nice houses” with “shitty insides” — What’re the odds?

Your house is in competition with all the other houses in your area and in your price range. The more you show your house, the more likely the right buyer is to find it.

Before you start:

Turn the lights on. Open the window dressings.

Focus and shoot.

If it’s blurry, please delete it and try again. Don’t nobody wanna mortgage thirty years and four year’s salary livin in a fuzzy, drunken house of blur.
(Spending thirty years in a drunken stupor is totally different, and pictures are less welcome.)

Take a metric fuckton of pictures. If your house has it, show it! Does it have a pantry? A doggy door? A basement? A mud room? A water softener? A garage door opener? An unfinished attic? Custom cabinet interiors? An extra lot? Are you throwin in a lawn mower, wheelbarrow, or ladder? A deep freeze is included? Show me the picture! Is your mailbox adorable? Where’s your laundry?

Take us on a tour. A photo tour.

If the bathroom has a mirrored wall, just stand outside the bathroom to take the photo. There’s no reason to hurt anyone’s eyes, and we’re not all high like you are.

And last but not least, if you’ve gone so far as to stencil misspelled/non-existent words onto the walls of your home, maybe you crop that shit before you post it. That’s not full of great. Massive word fail. Did no one tell you? Really?