On the Contemplation of Fire and Other Matters

I bet you’ve all been terribly concerned about what I’ve been doing for the last week. Since so many of you possess such great imaginations, I’m guessing you’ve created an entire drama with me as the star of your show. Non? Really? I was sure you’d imagined my untimely incarceration due to my smothering The Mister with his pillow, or my building a fire in the living room to counteract my lazy thermostat, or perhaps you thought I had been viciously attacked by Chubby Squirrel.

Well, I have considered the fire. I’ve also considered purchasing liquid hot magma from a questionable source on eBay. I figure I could set it on my coffee table and worship it.
In fact, after reading so much about thermostats, furnaces, dampers, and zoning systems, I’m adding HVAC certification to my resume, as one can never be too random or dishonest on a resume.
I’ve decided that if thousands of spare monies fall into our laps, we’d be better off building a fireplace. I assume a fireplace the size of our minivan would be completely acceptable, and because five out of six of us are fire signs, we’ll spend far less on entertainment expenses, since we’ll spend our winters staring at the fire.

fire. ooh. ahh.

fire. ooh. ahh.

I also spent some time trying to figure out if my life insurance payout is too high. I figure it’s not a coincidence that our new insurance started on the fifteenth and within a week, my husband tried to kill me twice in one day, by almost hitting a car, and then by turning the wrong way into traffic on a one-way street.
I found it interesting that after all that, I could still hold his hand and let him lead my blind ass across University Avenue. Blind? Why was I blind, you ask? Well, because once I’ve slipped my sunglasses on, wrapped a scarf around my face, and put a hat over that, my vision is pretty impaired. Add to that the desire to not look at the wind, (If it can’t see me, it can’t get me, right?) keeping my eyes on the ground seemed like the smart thing to do.

yeah? well i can see you.

yeah? well i can see you.

And, in the last week, I have complained about the weather. I’m glad it’s winter, I’m glad I don’t live in Georgia anymore, it’s still better than bein hot, oh how I love to look out on the snow, but enough with The Polar Vortex! This is not typical for our region. Snow squalls?!? What?!? It’s not unheard of, but it’s definitely not typical. This weather is brutal, and these two-hour delays mean that my husband is already at work or on campus, so driving the girls to school isn’t possible. Oh Mr School Bus Driver, please, please, come quick!

This morning there were ice crystals on my the bottom edges of my windows, and I wanted to photograph them. I really did. I wanted to see if I could capture their essence as beautifully as Jewels has. But more than that, I wanted to hang out in my three layers of clothing, with my afghan, my cat, my warm laptop, and my hot coffee.
I’ll get to it. I’m sure it’ll be icy again tomorrow morning. And it might even be one of the days the thermostat cooperates!

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to On the Contemplation of Fire and Other Matters

  1. Carrie Rubin says:

    Sunglasses? You had sunglasses on? At least you’ve seen the sun. My neck of Ohio has been grayer than Richard Gere’s hair. Brrr! (And tell your husband to quit trying to take you out. We need your humor around here!)

    Like

    • If you wear sunglasses, you protect your eyes, both from the sun and from the burning cold wind. I feel like you should know these things…I don’t know why I think you should know these things, since you don’t have medical training….
      LOL
      Thanks, Carrie!

      Like

      • Carrie Rubin says:

        Haha, you’re right; sunglasses protect from more than just the sun. Guess I haven’t stepped outside long enough to need them. But I do see a bit of blue sky today and peeks of sunshine, so there’s hope I might need them after all!

        Like

  2. Jewels says:

    I’m so relieved that you weren’t viciously attacked by Chubby the squirrel! šŸ˜‰ With the windchill temps here in the – 30’s, I hung out in my ‘three layers of clothing with my afghan, my cat, my warm laptop and my hot coffee’ today too! AND took more pictures of the lovely frost formations on my windows. Thanks for the mention by the way! And thanks for making me laugh, as always. šŸ˜€

    Like

  3. words4jp says:

    Thank god you are still alive and kicking:) You are humor dealer – kinda like a drug dealer without the illegal ramifications. A few thoughts – glasses with wipers – someone needs to invent these. I suppose if one has fog free ski goggles this would work. I do not ski, so I am SOL. The squirrel? The squirrel is probably like my girl – sitting on my couch balled up like a cheshire cat (my girl the pooch). It is tooooo frigggggin’ cold. Maybe we should try a sacrificial ceremony to rid us of the Vortex? I know a few peeps I could use (human sacrifice may not be the right thing to do:), but i can use a bucket of fried chicken instead. shall we give it a try?

    Like

    • Thanks! I would like fog-free goggles, sure! Nothing like breathing into my glasses and then scratching off the ice!
      I would totally sacrifice the BONES of a bucket of fried chicken to the gods of the Polar Vortex, but I’m rather hungry, so Imma need to eat the chicken, thanks! šŸ˜›

      Like

  4. spacurious says:

    An afghan and a cat? All you need is a porch, a rocking chair and a copy of AARP.

    Like

  5. Sherry says:

    it was very cold here this morning…like 26 I believe…frigid…I’m staying in…Your life is sooooo tellable…do tell. šŸ™‚

    Like

Comments are closed.