Because I’m the Teacher

My husband went back to school this week.

There is a vast chasm between knowledge and teaching. I am a natural teacher. On top of that, I am a trained teacher. Helping with homework is my gig. I am the one who needs to help children with homework, because if my child can’t figure out what one-quarter of a dollar is, the wrath of Daddy will crush his little ego, until he is sobbing and gasping for air through his snot bubbles.
Daddy can’t read about Pam with ham and jam, either, because that trauma will be mentioned in Dr. Joy’s office, which cost $120 an hour.

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Ever since we discovered this chasm at the expense of a young Bubba and Sissy, homework is my gig.

I encourage the youngest children to do their very best in math. I say, “If you don’t stay on top of your lessons, and you fall behind, I can help you. One day, your math will exceed my ability, and if you fall behind then, Daddy will hafta help you, like when he did algebra with Sissy? You don’t want Daddy to help you with your math, do you?”
Sassy and Moo shake their heads.

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“That’s right. So you need to be good at math, like Bubba.”
(Okay, now that he’s figured out what one-quarter of a dollar is, Bubba’s some kinda mathematical genius, but he can’t even tell you how he got the answer because he didn’t even use a pencil, did all that x-ing and y-ing and pi-ing in his headso maybe that’s a bit of a stretch, but it’s good to have high expectations of your children, nonetheless.)

Anyway, The Mister took his homework into the dining room, and five minutes later, I was summoned for assistance. Oh yay me.
A writing assignment.

After a few minutes of trying to explain to him how to complete the assignment, I took a different route. “You want I type this up for you? Take me five minutes. You could do the dishes while I whip this out?”
He gave me the look. “No, I don’t understand the purpose of this assignment.I want to understand the assignment.”
“Well of course you do! There is no point to this assignment. It is totally lame. If anything, it will be used to evaluate how poorly your class writes. But if you want that stupid piece of paper that says you’re a college graduate, you need to accept the lameness of this assignment. Cause guess what? Gonna do fifty-thousand lame-ass assignments before you’re done.”

I gave him an introduction to the terms, but I made him look up the rest of it on his own. Just as if I had been assisting the children.

Then I walked back to the sofa, waving my arms, screaming silently and thinking about what he would say to me while I try to make it through a Boot Camp obstacle course…

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I could be saying, “This is stupid! Why do I need to climb a rope? How many times did you actually climb a rope while you were deployed?” But that’s not the point. The point is that when we want what we want, we do what’s demanded.

A few minutes later he came into the living room.

Indignant husband was indignant.

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“I need to know why I’m doing this assignment. It’s just how I am. Personally. As a student.” He placed his hands over his chest.
He’s a charming bastard, he is.

“No. You don’t need to know why, Sergeant. This is the result of being in charge of people for twenty-five years. It’s the difference between giving the orders and following the orders. This is your assignment. Do what you’re told.”

A smirk, a saunter back to the table, followed by much silence. And some typing.

Like I said, I’m a natural teacher.

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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19 Responses to Because I’m the Teacher

  1. Kat's Den says:

    I started my classes last week. Your Mister and I can commiserate together.

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  2. Carrie Rubin says:

    With all that homework assistance you’re providing–including to your husband–you should start charging. Doesn’t have to be money; could be in chores. “I’ll help you with that assignment if you do a load of laundry…” 😉

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  3. Sherry says:

    and we all hear the echos of moms past in everything you said…lol..

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  4. meANXIETYme says:

    “I need to know why I’m doing this assignment. It’s just how I am. Personally. As a student.” He placed his hands over his chest. He’s a charming bastard, he is.
    “No. You don’t need to know why, Sergeant. This is the result of being in charge of people for twenty-five years. It’s the difference between giving the orders and following the orders. This is your assignment. Do what you’re told.”

    OMG I loved reading this. What does that say about me? LOL

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  5. Oh my goodness – school and marriage do NOT mix. I am so thankful that my husband is DONE with law school now. Way too many days of trying to explain something that I have no idea about – I usually just make up lawyer-ly sentences like, “I object to the habeus corpus of this fee simple determinative” until he realizes I have NO clue what’s going on!

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  6. Aussa Lorens says:

    Haha! Yes, doing 50 thousand lame ass assignments between now and college graduation is right. My favorite is group work. Kill me. But it really does relate to real life, where everyone lets you down and you end up stressing at the last minute.
    My parents never helped with homework. I remember my older brother trying to help me with algebra but I would just cry at the kitchen table and throw things. Eventually I failed, had to retake it, and I think my father paid off my advisor to give me an A. I shit you not. That advisor was later arrested for the same thing as my father so I think they were in cahoots. This comment got weird fast.

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    • LOL Yes it did get weird fast! Whoa!

      Group work is the worst. The Mister told me he has an option to do group work on his own in one class, and I do believe I almost caught fire with envy!

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  7. This is delicious…I really have only one comment – MEN !

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  8. Hard to go from leader to learner, and you’re right about the fact he’s going to do a ton of assignments that seem completely out to lunch or have no real bearing on what he wishes to learn…but he WILL learn, which is more than most adult students do, he’ll just need your firm no nonsense approach to help keep him humble 😀

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  9. Dan Antion says:

    I enjoyed this very much. I empathize with Bubba though. I could do math but I had a hard time explaining what I had done. I would lose credit on those homework assignments where you had to “show your work” To this day I hate that phrase.

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