I Have No Fortune

The Mister cooked tonight. He brought home Foon Ying. Foon Ying means “Welcome” in Cantonese, but it also means I didn’t hafta cook, and that’s the important part.

We have an after-dinner ritual wherein we count to three and crack our fortune cookies at the same time. 
Unfortunately, we also have a tradition wherein he gets great fortunes and I get crap ones.

Before we opened our fortune cookies, The Mister explained to the girls how this happens. 
“Mama and Daddy have been doing this for…well, since we can remember.”

“Yeah. And I get the worst fortune cookies.”

My fortune cookies speak to me like the disappointed Chinese grandmother I never had.

“She who irons today has time to mend tomorrow.”
“Why you no eat meat in lo mein?”
“Flies never visit an egg that has no crack.”
“That’s enough dumplings for you.”
“Too much wood.”

I scream to disappointed Chinese grandmother, “Bitch, you don’t know my life!”

fortune1Meanwhile, The Mister’s fortune cookies read like compliments.

“You’re so handsome!”
“Your wife so lucky!”
“Kill one to warn a hundred.”
“You are destined for greatness!”
“Your dick is the biggest!”

Even if we trade, he will always get the good fortune, while I get the crap.

Tonight, his read, “You will conquer obstacles to achieve success.”
Moo’s read, “Great thoughts come from the heart.”
Sassy’s read, “You are welcome at every gathering.”

Tonight, my fortune cookie was empty.


This isn’t good for my anxiety. An amateur anxiety-sufferer would look this up on WebMD, you know. But I’m not going to look it up, because I already know I am dying. Who could be wiser than the disappointed Chinese grandmother I never had?
I can’t even complain about the stupidity of the message, because now it’s like disappointed Chinese grandmother has given up on me! 
I stop yelling to her. Instead, I plead, “Please, if you’re going to give me the silent treatment, stick an Ativan in there, will ya?”

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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30 Responses to I Have No Fortune

  1. Carrie Rubin says:

    Such a funny post! That happened to me once, too. Talk about a crappy feeling! Never a good sign to not have a fortune. 🙂


  2. LindaGHill says:

    It’s happened to me too! I think the worst one I ever got was: “You like Chinese food.” Like, no shit! I made it all the way to the fortune cookie, what do you think?


  3. meANXIETYme says:

    “I can’t even complain about the stupidity of the message, because now it’s like disappointed Chinese grandmother has given up on me! ”
    That gave me the giggles. Thanks. 🙂


  4. spacurious says:

    Damn that’s hilarious. Although if they put Ativan in my cookie instead, I wouldn’t give a shit if there was ever a fortune in there again.


  5. ‘Fortune Cooky Deprivation’ is a cruel end to any dinner: you have my deepest sympathy


  6. Sherry says:

    I look at it this way…any day I don’t have to cook is a +, fortune good by definition. I rest my case…You can return to normal mode now. We eat out on Wednesday…and today is Wednesday, and I have good fortune. How fortunate. Fortunately I see it that way. 🙂


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  8. Aussa Lorens says:

    Haha! My eyes got all wide when you said your cookie was fortune-lacking. I feel like you should just stop trying at life now. I place an incredibly unreasonable amount of faith in those things.


  9. Phil Taylor says:

    You and hubby should write fortunes for each other and put them in the cookies.


  10. Outlier Babe says:

    Me think you whiny complainer. Chinese grandmother already gave you fortune:
    His dick is biggest!

    Liked by 1 person

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