H is for Harebrained

I saw an ad for free plants this morning, so I hurried, groomed and Googled, even leaving with my hair wet.

I was so excited for free plants! Particularly since one of them was 7-8 feet tall, and I have this barren corner in my entryway, which is just screaming for a plant! Hurray!

So I talka Siri. You remember, I checked Google maps before talking to Siri, because sometimes, that Siri is a bit harebrained. She couldn’t find it, but I was thoughtful and typed it in so that she could relate. She gave me the same directions as Google. So off I went down the pike, headed to the interstate, on my journey to free plants.

“In 2.1 miles, take Exit 49 and turn left.”
“Right on!”

(Free plants!)

plants

I took Exit 49 and turned left.

And then, that harebrained bitch told me to turn left to get back onto the interstate I had just come off of!

“Oh, look, a McDonald’s!”
“Continue to route.”
“No. Coke first.”
“Continue to route.”
I muted Siri and called my husband.

I was out of my familiar territories. *slurp*
But! I am not directionally challenged, so I decided if my husband could just confirm my heading north on Post Road, I’d be headed toward Beech Grove. *slurp*

(Free plants!)

Well, he checked the map, and I was right, of course. As soon as I passed that interstate ramp, Siri was suddenly able to tell me to go north on Post Road. And I was thinking, “Good grief, Siri, could we not have taken Post Road south to get here in the first damn place?!?”

Beautiful day for a drive! Sixty and partly sunny. Just glorious.

(Free plants!)

When I arrived, all the plants were gone. I was about 15 minutes too late. Thanks, Siri.

giphyDamn.
No free plants.

I took a lovely scenic drive all over the eastside today. Used only secondary roads, lotsa stop lights and traffic. Stopped at the grocery. Still faster than Siri’s harebrained directions.

Just remember, even though the voice of Siri is a brunette, actual Siri is blonde. A bossy blonde who has never driven a vehicle. If you tell her the address and she can’t find it, do not type it in. Just let it go. The plants are all gone anyway.

Maybe I should ask her where I can get a nice silk fig tree for that corner…

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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23 Responses to H is for Harebrained

  1. suzjones says:

    Bwahahahahaha… oh the conversations my tween has had with Siri! rofl
    Sorry you missed out on the plants though.

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  2. I enjoyed your post. haha! I’m directionally challenged too and even map quest, or google maps can get me lost.

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  3. Sherry says:

    awwww….that’s a shame…I’ve had my fun with google maps and the “voice”…mostly they are great, but occasionally…oh it’s lunacy…but then…the very idea that I have an in-car navigator is pretty awesome doncha think?

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  4. Jennifer says:

    Try asking Siri-who is even worse as a man, IMO-how to get south of DC…and have it tell you to take every exit that will head in the opposite direction. Even the elder was like “this is nuts!”. Thankfully we knew where to go!

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  5. This was AWESOME! In spite of the no plants outcome. I just loved the interjections and slurping and stuff. Thank you!

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  6. Jewels says:

    Siri is a stupid bitch making you miss out on free plants!

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  7. Aussa Lorens says:

    Hahaha wait– is she really supposed to be a brunette? How have I never thought of this? I never use Siri. But sometimes she uses me.

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  8. cardamone5 says:

    I don’t have Siri, but I’ve heard her on commercials. She sounds like a brassy blond with big boobs who has a driver whom she commands in that annoying voice.

    BTW: you were kind enough to stop by my blog and leave a nice comment, so I hopped over to your blog and was pleasantly rewarded by this post (as you were by the Coke and scenic drive!) I’m a follower now. I am directionally challenged and would have called my husband in a panic, who would have gotten me home after much exasperation…and the lure of free plants would have brought me to unfamiliar areas as well. Loved this!

    Fondly,
    Elizabeth

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  9. Matt Roberts says:

    That’s a problem with all of those internet map thingies. Years ago when Map Quest was all there was, I used it to get to Memphis. It told me to get off the highway only to get right back on it. I bypassed that instruction because I wasn’t an idiot, but for the next 30 miles I kept wondering if I was going to end up in Kansas cause I didn’t do what Map Quest said.

    Even now, I use the Google GPS thing on my phone almost every day I’m working. One day it told me to go a certain route and on that route it had a little sign telling me the road was closed. Well, if you know the road is closed, why did you tell me to go that way?!?! These things must be programming each other, cause people programmers can’t be that stupid. Can they?

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    • They probably can be, but I think it’s a glitch. Like, as soon as I got past that interstate sign, she started again, “In 4 miles, turn left onto Raymond Street.”

      When they work, they’re great. When they don’t, they su-uh-uck!

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  10. spacurious says:

    Siri is laughing her ass off right now while watering her beautiful new free plants.

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