Our house came with this sign affixed to the back gate:
And then later this spring, we plan to get one of these water features:
But a beach? In Indianapolis?
I don’t think so.
It’s quite remarkable how many beach references can be found in Indy. I always get a good laugh when I see apartment complexes, neighborhoods, and streets named after things that clearly do not exist in, nor are related to Indiana in any way.
In case you’re unfamiliar, here’s what Indiana looks like between the downtown sections of every city and town in the state.
I, like many Midwesterners, appreciate my native landscape, and I can think of plenty of appropriate names for places just by looking at this picture.
When your surroundings look like this, don’t they just scream words like Provence, Martinique, Seville, Tuscan, and Bordeaux? I don’t think so.
(If it does, I want you to know, I’ve got a charming 1500 square-foot “villa” on over an acre, and I will rent it to you for $1200 USD a week, just like they do in Marseilles.)
And I mean really, Chateau de Anything in Indiana is a ridiculous name for an apartment complex. Chateau? Say “Shithole” with a French accent. I can see how that went wrong, because the 6 square feet of kitchen just scream “castle!”
Aloha? I don’t think so.
Desert Flower? Kodiak? Redwood? Canyon? I don’t think so.
Also? Spinnaker? Tide? Palm? Seascape? Port O’ Call? Seaward? Barnacle? I don’t think so.
Here’s Indiana Beach:
It’s important to note that many of the people who name streets and abodes are confused about the native wildlife in Central Indiana. Animals which live in the Indianapolis Zoo are not necessarily native, and therefore, should not be on street or neighborhood signs.
Such animals include, but are not limited to dolphins, pelicans, parrots, and sting rays.
If it’s all about imagination, then I’d like to live on Giraffe Lane, thanks!
Anyway, I decided we needed a new sign for the back gate. Something more appropriate to the landscape.
I took into account our natural habitat, as well as our disposition and eating habits, and this is what I chose:
I tried to find something clever, that might also ward off predators…something like, “Everyone in this house has Herpes Simplex 1 and eczema” or “Fire Signs and Bad Tempers Within” or “He’s a military man with PTSD and a love for blades, and she’s an Italian bitch with anxiety disorder” or even, “The adults in this house have mental health issues and strong self-preservation skills” but they don’t seem to sell those ANYWHERE!