I is for I Don’t Think So!

Our house came with this sign affixed to the back gate:

I don’t think so.
As Hoosiers, we’re puzzled. We don’t know what kind of beach the previous home owner had, but so far we’ve only had this kind of water feature:

back 40 -- with ducks!

back 40 — with ducks!

And then later this spring, we plan to get one of these water features:

baby pool for the giantesse and her minion

baby pool for the giantesse and her minion

But a beach? In Indianapolis?
I don’t think so.

It’s quite remarkable how many beach references can be found in Indy. I always get a good laugh when I see apartment complexes, neighborhoods, and streets named after things that clearly do not exist in, nor are related to Indiana in any way.

In case you’re unfamiliar, here’s what Indiana looks like between the downtown sections of every city and town in the state.

but with corn, lots more corn

but with corn, lots more corn!

I, like many Midwesterners, appreciate my native landscape, and I can think of plenty of appropriate names for places just by looking at this picture.

When your surroundings look like this, don’t they just scream words like Provence, Martinique, Seville, Tuscan, and Bordeaux? I don’t think so.
(If it does, I want you to know, I’ve got a charming 1500 square-foot “villa” on over an acre, and I will rent it to you for $1200 USD a week, just like they do in Marseilles.)

And I mean really, Chateau de Anything in Indiana is a ridiculous name for an apartment complex. Chateau? Say “Shithole” with a French accent. I can see how that went wrong, because the 6 square feet of kitchen just scream “castle!”

Aloha? I don’t think so.

Desert Flower? Kodiak? Redwood? Canyon? I don’t think so.

Also? Spinnaker? Tide? Palm? Seascape? Port O’ Call? Seaward? Barnacle? I don’t think so.

Here’s Indiana Beach:

lake michigan, 100 miles from indy

lake michigan, 100 miles north of indy

It’s important to note that many of the people who name streets and abodes are confused about the native wildlife in Central Indiana. Animals which live in the Indianapolis Zoo are not necessarily native, and therefore, should not be on street or neighborhood signs.
Such animals include, but are not limited to dolphins, pelicans, parrots, and sting rays.

If it’s all about imagination, then I’d like to live on Giraffe Lane, thanks!

and we will eat figs and kick people all day!

where we will eat figs and kick people all day!

Anyway, I decided we needed a new sign for the back gate. Something more appropriate to the landscape.

I took into account our natural habitat, as well as our disposition and eating habits, and this is what I chose:

I tried to find something clever, that might also ward off predators…something like, “Everyone in this house has Herpes Simplex 1 and eczema” or  “Fire Signs and Bad Tempers Within” or “He’s a military man with PTSD and a love for blades, and she’s an Italian bitch with anxiety disorder” or even, “The adults in this house have mental health issues and strong self-preservation skills” but they don’t seem to sell those ANYWHERE!



About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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21 Responses to I is for I Don’t Think So!

  1. suzjones says:

    Too funny. I do like the old beach sign though. That’s very cool.


  2. Matt Roberts says:

    I think it’s time to get artistic and create those signs for yourself. Then have a little yard sale. As for us Cincinnatians who aren’t really that much different than you (being you’re only an hour away), we have a beach. Come visit it! I’ve never been. http://www.thebeachwaterpark.com/ Maybe this is where that sign you found was pointing to lol.


  3. meANXIETYme says:

    Seriously, if you sell one that says “The adults in this house have mental health issues and strong self-preservation skills,” I will buy it from you. Make it big enough to be seen by cars driving by a driveway, and small enough to fit in a box to mail or send UPS. (But no guns or knives on the sign.) I swear, I WILL BUY IT FROM YOU.
    (I’m so not creative and I’m terribly lazy so it’s not possible for me to make one of these signs by myself. Hey, at least I know myself well enough to admit this.)


  4. cardamone5 says:

    You are too funny!


  5. LindaGHill says:

    I love that beach sign. It needs to be put up at an actual beach. Stand beside the sign and charge everyone $150 to get in and tell them you’ll protect them from the law. They’ll think they’re getting a deal.


  6. Between the neckline and the knees – wow! Now that’s public decency ! 🙂


  7. Sherry says:

    Oh this is good….one of the things I discovered is the penchant in the midwest for re-naming…so they take eastie coast names and call them the same…like Monticello Iowa for instance (but pronounced monti-chello), Detroit, which had a major french influence did lots of french things like Gratiot, which they pronounce Grass-shot, and Livernois which gets bastardized to Liver-noise. And don’t forget famous people: Freud gets pronounced FROOOD. Such things don’t seem to have made it (due to the grueling travel) west. We are at least pronouncing correcting Avenida de Mesilla here…(Aveneetha day Mess-eeya) for you Spanish challenged. Do you think that the silly beach names arise from sadness at the loss of ocean vistas?


    • I do. Virtually everyone here travels to the coast on vacations. (Of course we do, my parents live in south Florida.)
      I understand that some people love the salt life, but just bring back a bucket of shells, don’t name your Indiana estate Manatee Manse! It ain’t right. Ain’t right at all.


  8. meg68 says:

    When I left the ex I bought him a sign for the farm. “Beware Feral Children”, to hang on the yard gate. (After picking them up from weekend looking like Minstrels. Dirt. Just dirt and eyes and teeth!)


  9. spacurious says:

    If you ever come across a doormat that says ‘Everyone in this house has herpes’, please buy 2. I’ll gladly pay for postage.


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