“I have this coupon for halfa brain…”

Some of my friends are Couponing. You’ve seen the Extreme Coupon people on television, right? I’ve never watched the shows, but I’ve seen bits about it. They leave the store with carts and carts of products, and then they pay eleven cents, or sometimes, the store pays them.
Do you ever really look at what’s in the cart? Not dinner, that’s fersure. This photo is pretty good, because cheese, eggs and juice are nutritious.

this cost $13.34

this cost $13.34

My friends come home with a dozen packages of toilet paper for a dollar. Or a pile of deodorants, shave cream, and toothbrushes for less than five dollars.

I’m like, “Neat-o.”

whoa, how many vitamins do you take?

whoa, how many vitamins do you take?

One of my friends coupons for fun, and her hoards get donated to shelters, the elderly in the community, and local food banks.

I’m like, “Awesome!”

holy processed food, yo!

holy processed food, yo!

MIL has a friend who brings her all the buy-one-get-ones. In the garage at The Palace of Rules, you will find shelves of food, like a convenience store. Chicken broth, cream of chicken, piles of ramen, condiments, canned veggies, boxes of cake mix, cereals, cookies. You gotta check the dates, that’s all I’m sayin.

and then everyone in the house begins to hate frosted flakes...

and then everyone in the house begins to hate frosted flakes…

I do not have space for this.
I can get down with Couponing if you’re actually going to use the product, otherwise, unused items in your space are just clutter. Clutter you spent both time and money to accumulate, that you must clean and organize, and y’all know how I feel about Feng Shui. I do not need fifty bottles of shampoo cloggin up my chi. Toothpaste expires. A lot of stuff expires, check that shit out.

I’ll admit that since we are a predominately female household, we could likely use 300 boxes of tampons for $6, but they will not fit in the drawer of the vanity, and I am unlikely to add a tampon room.

I love when diced tomatoes are twenty cents a can — I’ll buy ten cans of them.

I buy the ten pound bags of rice.

I buy 28oz cans of veggies and fruits. They cost less than standard size, ferreal.

Sometimes the commissary holds sidewalk sales, and I will buy canned veggies in bulk, or giant bottles of honey.

We have a membership to the wholesale place, but very rarely go. Because you really need someone to take half of the five pounds of celery and whatnot…

Just the other day, the hardware store was selling 7-Up at $1.23 a bottle or $1.46 for a six-pack of bottles, and I was like, “Hmm…That’s a good deal. But do I want bottles of 7-Up? Do I?” Yeah, no, I don’t.

I love store coupons and I belong to all the “clubs.”
I use those $10 off your next purchase of $75 or more coupons that come out with your receipt.
I cut a lot more coupons when I had four kids at home, but I was never so poor that I thought sixty bottles of mustard for $8 would help me save money.

— I don’t go to Gymboree to buy clothes my child does not need because I have a coupon for 30% off, nor do I buy twenty bottles of Tums because I have a buy-one-get-one, and that’s how lines between saving money and wasting money are drawn.

People without cats, buying cat food. Bald people stockpiling conditioner. I can’t imagine.


diapers are a good item to stockpile, IF YOU HAVE A BABAY

diapers are a good item to stockpile, IF YOU HAVE A BABY!

Did you ever wonder why you went to CVS to take advantage of the sale on toothbrushes and they were all gone? Because some Extreme Couponer done bought up all 80 of em!
Ever wonder why on earth your store is out of your brand of bacon at 10am? Extreme Couponers.
No apple juice in the whole store?!?
How can there be no apple juice left?!?
I can’t get a pint of cream, because some hoarder got them free with the purchase of MY BACON? That cream will no doubt rot in her fridge before she can use it all.
So much so, stores have set more limits and are cutting back coupon offers.

I cut the occasional coupon, and I grab the ones under the display when I can. I have never even considered Extreme Couponing, because there’s a problem with coupons…




It’s all about processed food. Packaged, frozen, canned, cupped, boxed and bagged. Well, I don’t buy much processed food.

Why aren’t there coupons for fresh salad greens, carrots, celery, potatoes, onions, green beans, cantaloupe, grapes, apples, bananas, or cloves of garlic?

Where is my coupon for $5 off my water bill? — Or my gas bill, I’m not picky!

How about buy one brisket, get the second at half price?

Should anyone really have one hundred boxes of Kraft mac n’ cheese? Really?

Where can I get a coupon for five half gallons of organic milk?

Excuse me, but I have yet to find coupons for flour or sugar!

Are there any for half a grass-fed cow?

Hey, can I bring one kid in for shots and get the next kid’s shots for free?

How about buy fencing, get the labor for free?

No, thank you, I don’t need six bottles of nail polish for a dollar, but I could sure use six bottles of wine for that price!

It’s a bit of a trick. The coupons only save you money on things you would buy and use regardless of coupons. Buying things just because there are coupons actually wastes your money.
You have a coupon for gnocchi in a box, and the next thing you know, you suddenly think you love gnocchi in a box. But really, you don’t. No one does.

How long would it take a person to use eight bottles of Murphy’s oil soap? I ask, because I’m on my third bottle in roughly sixteen years…

I use vinegar to clean most things.

Can I have all your vinegar coupons? You only find them around Easter, and then they’re only for the small glass bottles, but I’ll take em.

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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29 Responses to “I have this coupon for halfa brain…”

  1. This is awesome! Well done! Had a big laugh at “tampon room”. My mother always used to say, “A bargain is not a bargain unless you need it.” Sounds like you know whereof she speaks.

    When hubby and I combined households, all of a sudden my empty basement and empty two-car garage were no longer… empty. He had Rubbermaid tubs full of cr*p from his buying sprees at liquidation places. One day he bought two dozen pairs of tiny nosehair scissors – the ones with the rounded safety tips, because, well, you know – you might have a nose hair emergency when you are in the kitchen and wow, thank goodness there is a nose hair scissors in the junk drawer otherwise you’d have to walk the 10 paces to find the one in next to the remote control or god forbid, have to haul your sorry self to the second floor bathroom to use the pair up there!

    They were 10 cents each! he explains.

    And don’t I have to eat crow when he finds a use for something he purchased half a century ago and I have to listen to the entire story about where he bought it, when he bought it, and how much he paid.


    • A nose hair emergency! OMAWORD! What would that even look like?!? Mercy! At least nose hair scissors don’t expire!
      I’m sorry for any and all crow you must eat.

      Thanks for commenting — that gave me quite a chuckle!


  2. meANXIETYme says:

    Sing it, sister! Those shows drive me crazy because it’s ALWAYS the same food on sale (yakasobi noodle bowls? Are those EDIBLE with all the junk and salt in there?)…and it’s never anything I would eat or use. What am I going to do with that weird stuff? And the people who crow about their haul just seem a little…”off” to me. (Although I DO like the people who extreme coupon and donate their haul to their local charities.)
    Now, on the other hand, we do have a membership to the wholesale club, but we share it with my parents AND when we buy stuff in bulk that expires (or rots) we always share it with them. And I do love me some buy one get one type sales at our local grocery store for things we use often…but I only buy what we actually USE.
    So I keep my eyes open for coupons, but only for stuff we use or need. Otherwise, like you, I don’t understand why I would waste my time and space, as well as take from those who want (or need) the item.


    • Yeah. MIL gave us a pile of the box noodles when we moved in here, because Sissy and Sassy love ramen — wellllll, Sassy tried one, and then they were donated, so no, I don’t think they’re particularly tasty.

      When I lived in Indiana before, my husband’s cousin lived down the street, and I would split up perishable bulk items with her, and she for me, so we’d both get good use of it. I don’t have anyone here like that, but I also don’t have four kids at home, and hers are all grown. I think it’s been a year since we went to Sam’s, and last we went, it was socks, underwear, tee-shirts, school supplies…

      Who doesn’t love a BOGO?!?

      Thanks for commenting!


      • meANXIETYme says:

        We almost always go to BJ’s for paper products (paper towels, TP, tissues) and non-perishable things like shampoo and toothpaste, etc. Those things we can work our way through without worrying about rotting or expiration dates. Otherwise, we always share our bulk foods like I said.


  3. Dan Antion says:

    I love this post. Reading it during lunch, laughing away. People at work probably think I’ve lost it.

    I’m guilty of buying two giant bottles of ketchup because they were on sale for something like 2 for $5. My wife explained that they are always on sale for that price and that we don’t use enough ketchup to drain one bottle before it expires. I bought 2 bags of Heath Bar miniatures for $6 at Target three weeks ago. A week later they were no longer on-sale – they were $2.89 each.


    • Hah, yeah, you gotta know what you normally pay. Although, two bottles of ketchup won’t go to waste, and what’s 22 extra cents for CHOCOLATE?!?
      Thanks, Dan 🙂


  4. Gosh I never get any deals lol it’s true they would of course he full of the stuff no one wants. You know the room of canned foods etx it’s a shame it doesn’t go to a charity or people who have no food at all xx


  5. Carrie Rubin says:

    “Why aren’t there coupons for fresh salad greens, carrots, celery, potatoes, onions, green beans, cantaloupe, grapes, apples, bananas, or cloves of garlic?”—Yes! I like that idea. I bought four nectarines the other day, and my eyes popped out of my head when the register said $5.25. Good grief. I usually check the price first, but I LOVE nectarines, and I was so excited to see some good ones in stock. Definitely could’ve used a coupon for those…


    • Absolutely! I feel the same way about Honey Crisp apples. A bag of those suckers is $11. It’s painful!


      • meANXIETYme says:

        ZOMG I love those Honey Crisp apples and I cry every time I check out with them in my basket. They are SO expensive, but sooooo delicious. Meanwhile, last time we were at the store we found and bought a jar of Honey Crisp apple juice–only ingredient was Honey Crisp apples—and it was SO GOOD! But I’m drinking it in teeeny tiny glasses like shot glasses because it was expensive stuff. But good. So good. Soooo thirsty…’scuse me, gotta go get a drink.


  6. Sherry says:

    I tried to get into it years back but realized that (1) most of the coupons was for processed food and I don’t buy much of that. and (2) even with the coupon the house brand was still usually cheaper…I rarely if ever both with a coupon now…I have something much better–senior discounts and Veterans discounts…We stand to save a bundle on our appliance purchases at Lowe’s with both the Veteran’s discount and the contractors discount…:) much better than 25c off on a bottle of ketchup…lol


  7. Sherry says:

    oh….sweet cherries…right now… $5.95/ lb….sigh….


  8. suzjones says:

    The GG always says “Just because it’s on sale, it doesn’t mean you have to buy it”. lol I guess it’s the same with coupons (not that we have a lot of those over here).


  9. hollie says:

    When ever I go into someone’s home now I’m going to be tempted to ask them if they have a tampon room! Great post


  10. words4jp says:

    My boys and I totally dig the BOGO and the 10 for 10.00. 10 cliff bars, 10 yogurts. Good ten for ten stuff. And stuff that I know we will use. Not go bad before it is used. 🙂


  11. Jewels says:

    LOL @ tampon room!!! I couldn’t agree more with this entire post. And yeah, where’s my coupons for fresh, organic produce or grass-fed beef?
    I do really like the idea for doing it and donating items to food shelves and homeless shelters.


  12. meg68 says:

    HA! What a great title! You are so funny. About the tampons? I think a room for the one needing the tampon would be a much better bet round here….


  13. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    Yeah, I clip coupons. And then forget to take them with me when I go to the store. It’s too much bother – and, yes, rarely can I find coupons for fruit, milk, bread – the staples. But we’d probably be in serious trouble if there were no couponers – grocery stores wouldn’t be able to move their merchandise. My version of couponing is just to look at the goods on the lower shelves or the store brands. They’re the best bargains. And packaged goods and meals are the biggest rip off and the least likely to be nutritious.


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