Anxiety — The Summer Reveal

Posted on May 31, 2016 by joey

I don’t remember what I was going to write about today, which is a fairly frequent writer-y problem. My idea may well have been hijacked by Anxiety.

My parents are coming to visit. You might think this is normal, because other people’s parents come to visit, but I assure you, my parents coming to visit is extraordinary. Two summers ago when they came, my mother rambled on about how it was the Farewell Tour. Stuff like that gives me anxiety. wtf? why farewell? who says this? are you dying? She’s not very old. She’s certainly too young to declare Farewell Tours about anywhere. He’s ten years her senior, but still. I can only imagine us going to Florida and me bein like, “This is the last time we’re coming here. Ever.” I can imagine my mother’s face all twisted and a nice big, “Well chuck you, Farley.” I really hate Florida and I think I should get extra credit for going.

This is how long I’ve been haulin my family to Florida:

mkgrammasgarden

Gawd, I hate Florida…

So it’s really great they’re comin here. Here will be hot, but they won’t know it. They’ll think it’s splendid.

I have terrible anxiety about it. Remember when you were a kid and you couldn’t wait for your birthday or whatever? How you’d just get beside yourself with excitement and anticipation? Yes, I feel like that. They will never get here! It will never be the day! Oh I cannot wait!!!

But also, they are coming to my house for the first time in two years and it is not anything enough. Rational Brain knows this is malarkey, but she sighs and takes a backseat to Anxiety while Inner Critic makes a list. Inner Critic wants Anxiety to know that despite seemingly constant divisions, the flowerbeds are still overgrown, there are brushstrokes of different colors painted here and there on the walls, the ceiling fan is icky, no one has cleaned the top of the fridge since spring break, and the kitchen faucet is still wonky.

My parents do not care. Rational Brain, Inner Critic, and Anxiety all know my parents don’t care. If my mother reads this post, I may well get a text that starts out with “Dear One please do not stress about-” and ends with hearts and flowers. Which complement my feelings, since the flowers are crowded and I have chest pain, but that’s a horse of a different color.

It’s not all my parents’ visit that does this, either. They’re merely added to the weight of summer. The 60-ish days until school starts. Instead of a watch, Anxiety wears a ticking time bomb with the countdown to alarm clock days.

I wait ten months for these two months, and then I struggle to enjoy them. I am aware of the implicit irony of the situation.

I have an agenda. There’s work and there’s fun, and no, there isn’t a difference in how they bring anxiety symptoms.

There are awful things going on in my life, privately, just like everyone else, but I am a special sort, so I deal with those while I deal with the horrors of impending happiness.

If I’m not careful about getting an appropriate amount completed each day, then I can’t relax. If I can’t relax, I won’t be able to sleep. If I can’t sleep, I’ll get sick. I am still knocking wood over the fact that I haven’t been sick yet this spring. If I do too much, I’ll wear myself out and get sick.

This is why Rational Brain is always going on about balance. She reminds us that we have taken our time and great care in pacing ourselves, and one day, it will all be done, and there will be other things to do, and there is no point in freaking out about any of it. My brain will not shrivel up and rot if I don’t get to the zoo this month. If going to the zoo means the bathroom doesn’t get painted, then I can’t mark myself as a failure. Rational Brain spends its time pushing for gratitude and telling us “Look at how much you’ve done!” But Anxiety doesn’t care. It’s already thinking about chopping up tomatoes five hours from now.

anxiety

Chances are, you can’t relate to any of this. You might sneer at me, or dismiss me, or ask me to be more like you. You might like to say, “Snap out of it! It’s all in your head! You’re doing this to yourself!” and I would say, “Mmhm,” and add your judgments to my tall stack of ways I fail other people. Then I’d ask you if you have anything new or anything of true value to add to the conversation.

That’s my truth today. I am this way. This is how I’m wired or how I’m broken, and all I can do is aim to stay present. And maybe take a pill.

How’s your anxiety today? Got anything wonderful to anticipate?

 

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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61 Responses to Anxiety — The Summer Reveal

  1. Dan Antion says:
    May 31, 2016 at 12:53 PM

    You know I always tend to comment here, but I’m pretty sure I’m gonna say something stupid – I feel bad for anyone that has to deal with the issues you’ve described. I’ll just leave it at that. And, I hope the visit goes well. Oh, and I hate Florida too.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Anxious Mom says:
    May 31, 2016 at 1:04 PM

    ((Hugs)) I hope you find some peace. ❤️ Btw, my grandma used to say, “This will probably be the last Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthday…” that I’ll probably be alive, every single time. Killed me.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. joannesisco says:
    May 31, 2016 at 1:11 PM

    Unfortunately I could relate to every word. I’m not sure why I get myself so worked up about people coming to visit, but I do.
    … but you’re right, the event will come and go, and we’ll be left wondering why we worked ourselves up into such a mess over it.

    … and I don’t know Florida so I can’t comment. Except it’s humid isn’t it? I’m not a fan of humid when I go from shower to sticky mess in minutes. Ugh.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:
      May 31, 2016 at 1:14 PM

      Where my parents live in Florida, it’s literally tropical, so yeah, hot and sticky are the norm.
      Isn’t it terrible? And how we know it’s terrible and still do it? Completely unreasonable. I’ve come a long way, but some stuff still does me in.
      Sorry you understood.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. startswithmyra says:
    May 31, 2016 at 1:47 PM

    I started looking around my house wondering what I should clean today, what I should get at the store for meals, what will we do after dark and then I remembered it’s not my parents who are coming over it’s your story.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Benson says:
    May 31, 2016 at 2:54 PM

    Well kid I have no idea what to say. I never really do. I just hope your parent’s visit goes well and you manage to stay as sane as you can.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Holly says:
    May 31, 2016 at 3:03 PM

    I get it. :/ Sorry you have to deal with all this.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. notewords says:
    May 31, 2016 at 3:17 PM

    I hate people visiting. My husband loves family coming over. Aargh.
    This too will pass! 😉
    All the best.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. cindy knoke says:
    May 31, 2016 at 3:45 PM

    You did a beautiful describing the beast of anxiety. I can relate. It is one of the most debilitating emotions. Sending you virtual hugs and lots of empathy~

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Sherry says:
    May 31, 2016 at 4:17 PM

    Sending soothing vibes your way…Some believe that helps….:) I deeply wish calm and peace to you…

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Lies Jack Kerouac told Me says:
    May 31, 2016 at 5:44 PM

    Maybe it’s a blessing that the parents (mine AND hers) are too old to travel anymore…takes some of the pressure off that ‘the house needs to look like a museum’ thing. I doubt it does any good to think about what difference any of this will make 500 years from now. Yeah, didn’t think so…

    Liked by 1 person

  11. coldhandboyack says:
    May 31, 2016 at 5:55 PM

    I don’t think the top of my refrigerator has been cleaned since Spring Break either. I’m not going to tell you which year though.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. meANXIETYme says:
    May 31, 2016 at 7:51 PM

    I get it. I’m so sorry you get it, too.
    Thanks for sharing your truth today because it reminds me that I’m not alone in my truths.
    I hope you have the bestest time with your parents.
    HUGS

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Chez Shea says:
    June 1, 2016 at 3:53 AM

    I can relate to this. Think my brain has similar wiring. I really wish for you that you have a lovely, relaxing time with your parents.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. April says:
    June 1, 2016 at 7:55 AM

    My anxiety is that it is the month of June. In two weeks I have to go in for my annual exam. I’m ashamed because I did NOTHING she suggested I do last year. Oh! And the drive there has me anxious. I’m finding new routes and then studying them. I hope you enjoy the company of your parents.

    Like

  15. larva225 says:
    June 1, 2016 at 12:02 PM

    I used to promise to be medicated by age 40 for anxiety. I’m 42 and am existing on Wellbutrin. I’ve been known to eat standing up while doing the dinner dishes, as I can’t relax and enjoy my damn meal with dirty dishes in the sink. Maybe when I’m 45…

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:
      June 1, 2016 at 12:11 PM

      Oh bless. It’s a very difficult thing to let go of, that sense of control and purpose. Even though I know you know, let me tell you again, you deserve to sit down and dine at your leisure.
      I’ve gotten so much better (no daily meds, just CBT) but some things still do me in every time.

      Like

  16. Manja Mexi Movie says:
    June 1, 2016 at 12:21 PM

    Just flowers and hearts. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  17. marianallen says:
    June 1, 2016 at 5:59 PM

    oh GHAWD, yes! Sounds like all you guys — you, Rational Brain, Anxiety, etc. — are handling things pretty well, considering. Take pictures, so you can enjoy yourself in retrospect. HUGS

    Liked by 1 person

  18. lbeth1950 says:
    June 1, 2016 at 7:00 PM

    My mother suffers from anxiety like that. I know it’s hard.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. jan says:
    June 1, 2016 at 7:09 PM

    Oh golly, my mother’s visits used to bring so much stress – she’s finally mellowed but that doesn’t mean she can still lash out with a zinger. Hope all goes well!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Red Hot & Saucy says:
    June 2, 2016 at 9:39 AM

    i almost did not click like on your post, due to not liking that you feel that way. But I did because I like the raw honesty and complete openness you’ve shared about your inner struggles for balance between knowing it’s going to be ok and yet feeling like it never will be. I’m rarely anxious, and if I am I probably wouldn’t identify it as being that, so sending big reassuring hugs your way and the reminder that it’ll all work out much better than your anxiety will allow you to think. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  21. Fourth Generation Farmgirl says:
    June 2, 2016 at 4:57 PM

    Sending lots of hugs. I can relate to how you feel. Thinking of you, and best wishes for a good visit with your parents. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Judy @ NewEnglandGardenAndThread says:
    June 4, 2016 at 8:03 AM

    I’m a list maker so I’d have this huge list of things to be done before Mom and Dad got there divided by the number of days except for those devoted to cooking and off I’d go to start checking off. 🙂 Have a wonderful visit and remember Mom and Dad love you more than anyone else in the entire world. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  23. 2bcreativeblog says:
    June 6, 2016 at 1:29 PM

    A good reason to have anxiety. LOL. Love our parents but I think when they come to stay one worries about them changing the routine, butting in, etc etc. I don’t know if you call it lucky or not but both sides of hubby and I’s do not visit. If we want to see them, we have to go to them. Sometimes I miss the visiting but it is what it is. We tell our kids we are going to create lots of anxiety by visiting them all the time. LOL Good luck with yours. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:
      June 6, 2016 at 1:31 PM

      Thank you for your support. It’s funny to think, but I’m so glad they’re coming, I just wish the world would stop for a bit!
      I love how you tell your kids that 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  24. bedlamanddaisies says:
    June 6, 2016 at 2:53 PM

    That inner chatter tends to be quite obnoxious. No matter how many times I tell it that it is a liar, it creeps back into the foreground of my thoughts. I hope you have a wonderful visit with your family. I’ll be trekking down to the heat and humidity of Florida very soon.

    Liked by 1 person

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