Everything was so much easier to ignore when I was sick. I’d think, lawd, it’s the plague, i’m dyin… but I’d tell myself “It’s just anxiety, Joey.”
It’s still anxiety.
Anxiety has come in the form of I don’t wanna.
My rapid breathing, I don’t wanna.
My racing heart, I don’t wanna.
My tingling and numbness, I don’t wanna.
My banded head, I don’t wanna.
I have anxiety every time I leave my house because I have anxiety disorder. Rarely, I have a legit reason for anxiety, like icy roads or “Dammit, who has my tights?!” But I have it every single day and I go anyway, because once I get in the car, that anxiety is done, and then I only have driving anxiety. I don’t have anxiety at work, because my brain has other things to do there. Now and again I’ll have dread about a particular phone call I’ve had to make every day for 2 months, but someone finally shot that albatross yesterday, so that’s nice. Anyway, I have anxiety every day and while I grab my stuff and close the crate and put on my shoes, I actually say, “I hate this time of day,” as I shake and sigh, but I go cause I know I’ll be okay when I get there.
I don’t wanna go out there today.
I don’t wanna leave my cat. Look at her. She needs me.
I don’t wanna go to the post office. If I don’t, my mother will not receive her package by the weekend, and I gotta say, as slow as her mail runs, and as early as her community closes, I don’t have much faith anyway, because I have stood in line at the post on umpteen occasions only to be disappointed. I drove by the post office last night and there wasn’t any room to park, which made sense once I saw the line to the double doors. I couldn’t stop, cause I had to watch my girls orchestra in concert and we all know anxiety hates to be late and it can’t bear mommy guilt.
I don’t wanna get dressed. Hmm, a bra, a blouse, and slacks and shoes OR this 100% cotton shirt that’s three sizes too big??? How’s that for a choice?
I don’t wanna do my hair. The face spiders were fierce last night and I do believe the only thing I can do is burn the nest down to twigs with the straightening iron.
(That photo is special for janet)
I don’t wanna drive. People are on vacation now and they think it’s perfectly acceptable to come out of their houses in the afternoon and bustle about, when everyone knows only truckers, retired people, and mommies are supposed to be out and about in the afternoon. If you can imagine these people like to drive on the same roads I do, eat at the same places I do, and THEY ALL GO TO THE POST OFFICE, apparently.
I could work. I am basically drowning in work. I have one of those jobs where when you leave, your work waits for you… nay, the files actually reproduce when they’re unattended. Thanksgiving weekend, a day off, I can hear them giggling and making smooching sounds when I leave. So work would be fiiine (with crazy hair and pajamas and via the teleportation device) if the work would simply stop and let me catch up a bit, hm?
I don’t wanna buy things to cook on the weekend. Everyone should just eat cookies and Hey! frozen goat cheese pizzas!…well, okay, I could probably heat up rolls, or Sassy could, but I’m the mama and that makes me the food dispenser. Honestly, most nights, I don’t mind dispensing the food, but I hate shopping for it. All morning I have willed a small pig to come ring the doorbell and die on the porch, but all I got was the UPS man and he looked plenty healthy.
But I don’t wanna stay home, see, cause at home there’s stuff to do and I don’t wanna. Throw pillows thrown all over the living room (it’s right in their name) linens in the dryer, spots on the sink, leaves by the back door, pine needles by the front door. I don’t wanna.
I don’t wanna wrap any more presents.
I wanna escape adulthood and go back to some December Tuesday in the 80s where we sucked on candy canes at story time until our teeth were red, when we made glitter cards for our parents and played multiplication bingo and foursquare.
Drinking also sounds good.
Do people drink mojitos in the winter? Is that gauche? Is it gauche like regifting something expensive, or gauche like leaving the Christmas lights up til May?
Do you wanna or don’t wanna?
Either way, I gotta and I’m leavin early.