Light Through Yonder Mirror BREAKS

When we bought our house, lighting was a noticeable, but insignificant issue. Mainly, I didn’t like most of the light fixtures, but you know, those can be changed, and having light is good.

The first one to be fixed was the master bath. We no longer remember exactly, but we do think there were FIVE ONE-HUNDRED WATT BULBS in there. Pupillary torture. MY EYES! MY EYES!
Brushing teeth, washing face — am I getting sunburnt? Pee quickly, lest you get a migraine! Hadda shine up the potty like he was auditioning on Broadway.

In contrast, the main bathroom has a low-light overhead and low-light sconces. This, combined with the old leaded-glass mirror is pure magic. Gazing into it renders you younger, more beautiful —  and of course, that elicits a smile, which makes anyone look better.
I imagine everyone takes selfies in our bathroom.
All the women visitors love that mirror, because it declares each one the fairest of all.
yes, wash your hands, your beautiful hands, you’re a goddess and this water is the fountain of youth…
For a time, I was certain my family and pets came into the bathroom to worship my delicate beauty in the glow of the dimmer.

low_light

But then, later, I’d go into the master bath and scream in horror, having left my beauty in the main bath.

high_light

you can’t expose gremlins to bright light.

I had to face the truth of my weeping eyeliner wings and my lopsided eyebrows. I’d have to floss my gnarly, stained teeth, wash my red, crater-ridden face, and moisturize my spotted alligator hands.

Fortunately, there’s not enough room for The Mister to join me in there, so he never had to see the atrocity. I would slink into the bedroom, grateful for my husband’s undying affection. bless his heart, he doesn’t even know he makes love to a hideous monster with four shadowy, whiskery chins and only five lower lashes .

For some time, we tried to use whatever light came in and then finally, he replaced those bulbs with some soft twenty-watters and we were like, “Ah.”

Slowly, I grew ever more beautiful over time.
Age gracefully? Of course. Anyone can age gracefully… as the bulbs slowly burn-out.

 

And then The Mister put in the energy-saving bulbs that claim to be thirteen watts, but I know they are really TWO-HUNDRED WATT HALOGENS.

We can’t actually read the bulbs. We have to ask Moo to go in and read the bulbs.

“Stop! Two is plenty!” persephone be damned, i am frankenstein’s bride.

 

 

Monday came and it was time to put on the face that meets the other faces:

I put on my face, took my face off, put on my face again, and finally, went to the other bathroom for validation.
hm, i look like me. this is how i look, right?
I went back to the master bath, grimaced, turned the light off, and went to work.

I asked Mentor, “How do I look? How’s my make up? Do I look different or weird in any way?”
She studied me carefully and pronounced that I looked fine.
“Oh good,” I said, “The Mister changed the lighting in the bathroom and now I look like a forty-three-year-old mother of four.”

And we laughed and laughed!

Happy Friday Everyone!

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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55 Responses to Light Through Yonder Mirror BREAKS

  1. Dan Antion says:

    Lighting is the third rail of our marriage. I don’t dare touch it. I would prefer the brightest bulbs allowed in the socket. My wife finds 20, 25, 40 (max) watt bulbs. I thought 40 watt bulbs were only for ovens before I married her. I’m glad you’re looking good. I never doubted it 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I think that’s why restaurants use candles and such. It isn’t for date night, they don’t want me to see what I’m actually eating, or the troll who delivered it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ally Bean says:

    I completely understand why you want the bulbs you want. I don’t like bright lights [both in the literal and figurative senses]. We have lower wattage bulbs in our light fixtures and I’m a dimmer aficionado. Light has to be just right for me to be happy. Fortunately my husband wants me to be happy so he goes along with my lighting choices.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. orbthefirst says:

    I would live in a cave with wall mounted torches and a bonfire in the center to keep things lit up well enough to see my keyboard..but yes. I understand your dilemma. 😛 If I have my way, most of the houses fixtures will be replaced so I can put in lights that are automated, and on a dimmer (think phillips hue lights, but not those lol.)
    Mom wants a bright kitchen, and her rooms well lit, and thats fine. I just need to see whats in front of me..I even went so far recently to cover the hallway window by my room because its brightness with the light flickering through the trees, gives me headaches.

    And, youre pretty in any light Joey, Im sure of it. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • joey says:

      You’re too kind 🙂
      I like the sound of a candlelit cave. I really don’t like bright lights. Dimmers are the best! We have three and I wish we had five!
      I have my western window curtains pinned up. Otherwise, I’m sure I’d need shades to sit here right now!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. pluviolover says:

    So, what’s er name was on TV the other day. 63 going on 25, sure, I’d be on Good Morning America, too. What was it I said about envy?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. jan says:

    Since I wear glasses, it’s easy to look good everyday – I just don’t wear my glasses in the bathroom. Voila! No wrinkles. I can go though the day like the emperor with no clothes! Selfies in my bathroom are verbotten!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I know I have extra weight in places…the numbers don’t lie, but incandescent bulbs and dimmer switches do. Then, I go into a ladies’ fitting room. Behold…there it is. I don’t shop much. Too cruel.
    p.s. Fading eyesight as you age…another blessing.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Joanne Sisco says:

    … and I laughed and laughed …

    Your photos cracked me up 😀 I agree that harsh lighting doesn’t belong anywhere in the home.
    Dimmer switches RULE in our house. They are almost EVERYWHERE!

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Thanks for laughing! Phew! I thought I’d lost my touch! Oh yes, you’re lucky! We have three dimmers and we should have five. Mmhm.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Joanne Sisco says:

        The only places I can think of that doesn’t have a dimmer switch is the front hall and the laundry room. Even the upstairs hall is on a dimmer.

        I suppose I should count the garage too … but I don’t tend to linger in there 😉

        Liked by 1 person

        • joey says:

          Our garage has a whole section burnt out, so I probably look alright in there…

          I counted the dimmers the other night and got three, but then I realized Moo has one in her nook as well, making four, but I sure would like to have more!

          Liked by 1 person

  9. Benson says:

    Funny post. Personally I like a mellow mood lightening. Softer the better,unless I am trying to read. Of course mirrors should never be allowed in any room with wattage above 20.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Alice says:

    Somehow I misread this sentence: “a hideous monster with four shadowy, whiskery chins and only five lower lashes” as this sentence: “a hideous monster with four shadowy, whiskery chins and only five lower limbs.”
    Blink.
    Blink.
    Needless to say, this, um, puzzled me exceedingly. Even without the issue of what that third leg and fourth arm had to do with halogen bulbs in the bathroom…

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Oh my! I am grateful for all my limbs, but it is nice to have the standard set 😛 There were a few years where Go-Go Gadget arms or octopus tentacles would have been helpful though…

      Liked by 1 person

  11. And on the best day, He said, “Let there be light,” and there was. It was good, it was perfect, bright for me and dim for you. I think you look good in any light.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. loisajay says:

    All I want is some nice soft white light–not outdoor light, not the yellow light that makes me squint in my how house. White light, dammit. I was told to look at the box and that would be the color of the light bulb. Ha. They lie.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Anxious Mom says:

    So *that* is why everyone comes into the bathroom, even if I’m on the toilet — to worship in my delicate glow. 😀 😀 You are so funny.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. What fun to read this before I venture out into the harsh sunshine of the day. I admit, though, to an overwhelming love for light, the more the better, except at night, of course. One of the things I loved about out house in Cleveland were the huge windows. (How wrong is it that auto-correct puts Windows instead of windows???). On the subject of selfies, I rarely do them because, like the lights you refer to above, the turned-around camera makes me look horrible!

    janet

    Liked by 1 person

  15. larva225 says:

    Holy crap that’s funny!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. It’s such a joy to read your blog! I so identify! Lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I hate harsh lighting, shows up all my wrinkles!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Our house came with lots of dimmers. Sometimes I forget the take special bulbs and the light will shake and flicker, making me wonder if I have a migraine coming on, but then I realize it’s just the wrong bulb. However, over my bathroom sink, they seem to bright. I assume it’s so you can actually see when you’re putting your makeup on, but I’m like “do I really look like that? I need a filter on this mirror!” lol

    Liked by 1 person

  19. John Holton says:

    In my mind, I’m eighteen, then I look in the mirror and say “who the hell is that fat old cripple?”

    Our bathroom light fixture takes four 60-watt bulbs, and when all are working it’s like the sun landed in there. I can only imagine what five 100-watt bulbs are like. What kind of energy-saving bulbs are you using, LED or CFL? I’m thinking of going with other-than-incandescent bulbs and don’t like the CFL’s…

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      We don’t know what they are, exactly. We do know they were ‘free’ as part of an energy savings perk from the school science department. And I know they are not stayin in the master bath! 😛 I cannot abide the scare, thank you very much.

      Like

  20. Pingback: Writing Links 2/20/17 – Where Genres Collide

  21. marianallen says:

    You are so funny! I was just complaining on Facebook about a bug in my iPhone camera’s selfie lens that makes me look saggy and wrinkled. All my friends agreed that I should complain to Apple. ‘Cause they’d care.

    Like

  22. Definitely soft lights. 🙂 I do laugh when I see a photo and think who the heck is that in my outfit. Aging is not for the faint of heart, but in reality you look like you are about 15 so you must have GREAT genes. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  23. kirizar says:

    You would hate my living room. I don’t see well in low-light so I installed something I thought was normal ‘boob’ shaped ceiling lights with three bulbs each. Now it’s like I’m trying to land a plane on a runway in there. You can see everywhere the dust has settled for the past two years since we moved in. It may be unforgiving, but I can read without eye strain.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Skipah says:

    When is the Joey bathroom selfie calendar going to be hitting news stands?

    Liked by 1 person

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