This week one of my teens and her friends were addressed by a teacher who said, “Watch your language. I know you think it’s cool to swear and you’re trying to impress people, but watch your language.”
My child informed me of this and I screwed up my face and asked, “What the fuck? Impress people? When I want to impress people, I don’t swear.”
“I know, right?”
We shook our heads in mutual agreement. Sad stuff, y’all.
I was a skosh surprised at the offending student. Said student’s mother reads all her social media and doesn’t approve of my spawns’ word choices.
My kids are smart enough to not swear in front of teachers. And Mamaws. And helicopter parents. And any other adult who might would gasp.
The language of power is not what we speak here at home.
If you’ve read me for any length of time, you understand that conversations in my family are not … easily understood. Swearing is the least of it.
I arrive home to find Sassy and Sadie wigglin their butts at the door, ready for lubbins.
“Howdy do Button?”
“How was day?”
“Office Max coupons don’t work on the Staples site.”
“And your Thursday?”
“Bio bish closed my computer during work time. I was listening to Brahms.”
“That bitch is sour. When y’all leave that school, Imma write a email, CC it to admin, be like, ‘You’re not a good enough person to work with young people. Your heart is hard. You have forgotten why you teach.’ AND I WILL PRESS SEND.”
“Like in OA, when she say you forgot your reason.”
“Oh mhm. Like that.”
Moo comes in, demands hugs. I hold Moo for however long she needs it, cause soon as the hug and head kisses stop, she’ll start prattlin on about real problems, like her kneebow and why she’s pissed about the missin chair and had to climb the freakin cubbies again and her jeans aren’t cottony enough and how she lost her manga balm, you see what happened was, while studying pergolas in algebra, and Seth has the cutest gay floof, but he should not have gone with blue, it makes him look sick AF.
The Mister comes home, “Damn, Baby, I thought I’d never make it home!”
Sadie drops her bone and offers up her belly. We all kneel to pet the puppy.
Ain’t nothin to see here, people.
Stop worryin about my kids swearin and teach your own. Jeez.
Otherwise, they may rebel with foul language and try to impress people with it. *rolls eyes* When, ever in your life, have you used foul language to impress anyone? Can you imagine?
That’s how I know who my people are. That’s my keepin it real.
Let’s test that Swear to Impress theory. And throw in some honesty.
“Y’all need a babysitter? I’m hellagood at babysittin. I love kids. Not my little sister, she’s a bitch, but like, other kids. I even got my CPR certification and shit. Call me.”
“Oh my God, your university is my absolute favorite! If you let me in, I will work my ass off for the whole four years, I promise!”
“So I get that this internship is unpaid, but it comes with some fuckin perks, right?”
“I been workin at the goddamn banana stand for two years and I’m ready for a job with a chair and access to a bathroom.”
“Yeah, I’m callin to get my credit limit raised? No, no income increase, no. Still a broke ass bitch. I need a washer and dryer. I’m too damn tired to keep draggin all my shit to the coin laundry, you know?”
“Who do I hafta fuck to get a mortgage around here?”
You ever get promoted for outstanding cussing? Fuck no you didn’t.
No. No one is swearing to impress people. That is not a thing.
YOUR ASSESSMENT IS INVALID.
People like that are the ones who say things like Fiddlesticks, and no one trusts Fiddlesticks. Ain’t nothin honest about Fiddlesticks.
Happy Fuckin Friday, People!