I Swear I’ll Not Impress You

This week one of my teens and her friends were addressed by a teacher who said, “Watch your language. I know you think it’s cool to swear and you’re trying to impress people, but watch your language.”
My child informed me of this and I screwed up my face and asked, “What the fuck? Impress people? When I want to impress people, I don’t swear.”
“I know, right?”
We shook our heads in mutual agreement. Sad stuff, y’all.

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I was a skosh surprised at the offending student. Said student’s mother reads all her social media and doesn’t approve of my spawns’ word choices.
My kids are smart enough to not swear in front of teachers. And Mamaws. And helicopter parents. And any other adult who might would gasp.

The language of power is not what we speak here at home.

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If you’ve read me for any length of time, you understand that conversations in my family are not … easily understood. Swearing is the least of it.
I arrive home to find Sassy and Sadie wigglin their butts at the door, ready for lubbins.
“Howdy do Button?”
“Merp.”
“Aww, huggles.”
“How was day?”
“Office Max coupons don’t work on the Staples site.”
“Heh. Yeah.”
“And your Thursday?”
“Bio bish closed my computer during work time. I was listening to Brahms.”
“That bitch is sour. When y’all leave that school, Imma write a email, CC it to admin, be like, ‘You’re not a good enough person to work with young people. Your heart is hard. You have forgotten why you teach.’ AND I WILL PRESS SEND.”
“Like in OA, when she say you forgot your reason.”
“Oh mhm. Like that.”
Moo comes in, demands hugs. I hold Moo for however long she needs it, cause soon as the hug and head kisses stop, she’ll start prattlin on about real problems, like her kneebow and why she’s pissed about the missin chair and had to climb the freakin cubbies again and her jeans aren’t cottony enough and how she lost her manga balm, you see what happened was, while studying pergolas in algebra, and Seth has the cutest gay floof, but he should not have gone with blue, it makes him look sick AF.
The Mister comes home, “Damn, Baby, I thought I’d never make it home!”
Sadie drops her bone and offers up her belly. We all kneel to pet the puppy.

Ain’t nothin to see here, people.
Stop worryin about my kids swearin and teach your own. Jeez.

Otherwise, they may rebel with foul language and try to impress people with it. *rolls eyes* When, ever in your life, have you used foul language to impress anyone? Can you imagine?
That’s how I know who my people are. That’s my keepin it real.

Why-I-Swear-So-Much-Pie-Chart-Poster
Let’s test that Swear to Impress theory. And throw in some honesty.

“Y’all need a babysitter? I’m hellagood at babysittin. I love kids. Not my little sister, she’s a bitch, but like, other kids. I even got my CPR certification and shit. Call me.”

“Oh my God, your university is my absolute favorite! If you let me in, I will work my ass off for the whole four years, I promise!”

“So I get that this internship is unpaid, but it comes with some fuckin perks, right?”

“I been workin at the goddamn banana stand for two years and I’m ready for a job with a chair and access to a bathroom.”

“Yeah, I’m callin to get my credit limit raised? No, no income increase, no. Still a broke ass bitch. I need a washer and dryer. I’m too damn tired to keep draggin all my shit to the coin laundry, you know?”

“Who do I hafta fuck to get a mortgage around here?”

You ever get promoted for outstanding cussing? Fuck no you didn’t.

No. No one is swearing to impress people. That is not a thing.

YOUR ASSESSMENT IS INVALID.

People like that are the ones who say things like Fiddlesticks, and no one trusts Fiddlesticks. Ain’t nothin honest about Fiddlesticks.

Happy Fuckin Friday, People!

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
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58 Responses to I Swear I’ll Not Impress You

  1. I really liked that honest pie chart 😀 . Swearing liberates you in a way . Saying the same sentence without cuss words is no fun at all . Loved it 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  2. meANXIETYme says:

    Fuck yeah. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  3. LOL! Loved the pie chart and honest pleas for work. Fuck is my all time favorite swear word. There just isn’t another one that gets all that emotion out it as good as that word does.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. eschudel says:

    Fuck yeah bitch!! Oooo…that felt good 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Nan Mykel says:

    Oh Joey, what a frigging sense of humor! I’m still laughing. Re-blogging.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Nan Mykel says:

    Reblogged this on NANMYKEL.COM and commented:
    Hell, I commented on the previous post, no this one! Oh well, hell’s bells as my Mom used o say.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Dan Antion says:

    I seriously like ‘kneebow’ Cubs that just makes sense. I got in serious trouble for using an obscenity in high school. Had to get a note signed. I took that one to my dad who was all WTF? Sign-sign-shake-head. I wasn’t trying to impress anyone, I thought it was funny in the context in which I used it. Give Sadie a belly rub, Moo a hug and others whatever they need, and have a great weekend.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. orbthefirst says:

    Aww, hell. I recall when you caught me NOT swearing in front of your kids.

    “Are you trying not to swear in front of my kids”

    “Uhhh..I was..”

    *Gets LAUGHED at.* 😛

    Happy Friday!

    Liked by 2 people

  9. J Walters says:

    I grew up in newsrooms, so swear words are just background patter. Love your post. And nobody should ever say anything at all in front of a helicopter parent.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Love this post. There is something dishonest about those who filter too much.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Sharukh Bamboat says:

    That pie chart is seriously bloody good (bloody because it is red). I do swear, but writing has made me better. Now I use my words intelligently like a virtual dagger that can rip apart anyone emotionally.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I’m dying laughing at the Samuel L Jackson meme. While I try to filter on my blog so as to not offend, my mouth is not always so gentle at home. My newest one was yelling “sonofafuck” as we almost got hit while driving. I’m not sure why in that moment I decided it was better than “sonofabitch”, but it kinda stuck. That way it isn’t sexist. lol

    Liked by 1 person

  13. loisajay says:

    We Catholic kids were always the worst cussers. Isn’t that weird. In NJ, I cursed. Down here in the South, I cuss. WTH?! My husband is Baptist. I try to clean up my potty mouth for him. To no avail……

    Liked by 1 person

  14. darsword says:

    And this reminds me of the Samual Jackson book, I wish like hell I would have read to my kids nightly: Go the Fuck to Sleep. If you are lucky enough to get the book and audio with SJ you will die laughing!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Jaded Jeni says:

    I work at a respectable hotel. None of us, management included, are respectable at all. Pretty much all of us smoke the colitas and if there isn’t a damn, shit or fuck heard in our hallowed halls, well then… someone’s probably dying and they’re being too nosy to yap.

    Also… *Shudders at fiddlesticks and makes sign of the cross*

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Benson says:

    I am old enough to remember when swearing was frowned upon in “polite society”. I always thought that language was a limited form of communication and removing some words merely increased the limitations. Now cussing is so common that there is no shock value. Words such as shit, damn and hell have become quaint expressions used on TV. When I was young I still “watched” my language around my parents and any other adult I didn’t know. I referred to that as my Bourgeoise hangup.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Hah, yes. It wasn’t that long ago we’d all gasp if someone said Damn on tv!
      We are all entitled to our own bourgeois hang-ups, Benson.
      My parents didn’t care, but they may have if the neighbors heard me 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Lol! You’re hilarious! And, I wholeheartedly agree with your assessment. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  18. JoAnna says:

    Maybe I’m swearing impaired and it’s all my parents fault. Plus it’s maybe partly a generational thing. I can swear in my head okay. And sometimes alone in my car, or when I’m really mad or stub my toe, though it usually comes out as jibberish. Just because I don’t swear much doesn’t mean I’m dishonest, dammit. It’s just really hard for me to do it. (tho I do recall swearing out loud regularly when I was in my twenties and intoxicated.) Now, I flinch inwardly when someone says the F word out loud, though I don’t complain. What I’m trying to say is it’s INVOLUNTARY. Maybe I should practice on my dog who is barking right now. I bet she’s swearing at me that it’s time to eat. Here goes: Shut the hell up you bitch! That was weird because I’m not mad. Yet. Having said all that, I want you to know that I do enjoy reading your swearing.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. marianallen says:

    My husband cusses a blue streak (unlike me, who cusses an indigo streak). But, when he’s really really REALLY pissed, he says, “Well, sir!” And my friend Jane, who cusses all the way into the ultraviolet, when pushed to extremes, says, “That is the outside of enough!” I’ve never been quite that mad.

    Like

  20. HAHA! Hilarious! Some teachers just don’t have a clue. I roared my head off at your ‘swearing to impress’ examples, especially the mortgage one!!!

    Like

  21. Laura says:

    Abso-fucking-lutely.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Erika says:

    I so love this post. People who act like you’re damned for hell for saying “shit” or whatever kill me.

    But you’ve made me want to apply for a mortgage just so I can say “Who do I hafta fuck around here…” 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  23. I’m sure my kids learned their ‘cussin’ vocabulary’ in the back seat of the car while I was at the wheel, stuck in traffic, or during any of my early home improvement projects. Fuckin’ A right!

    Liked by 1 person

  24. I was looking for something about those yellow jackets since you were on a roll. 🙂

    Like

  25. John Holton says:

    I’ve saved that “why I swear so much.” That’s pefect!

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Skipah says:

    I don’t trust people who can’t use the F word as a verb, noun, adverb, or adjective. Some people are way to uptight.

    Liked by 1 person

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