No Doggo Talkies

The other night when we were all piled-up on the bed with the animals, we spoke for the dog.

sadie_e

Dogs do communicate in their own way. Sometimes we really wish Sadie could speak our language.

But think about it.
Really think about it.
If dogs could talk, THEY WOULD NEVER SHUT UP.

DADDY’S UP!
GOOD MORNING DADDY!
I LOVE YOU!
YOUR CROTCH SMELLS TERRIFIC!
I will go lie with Mama now. Goin to lie with Mama, goin to lie with Mama… Uh oh, Catticus, walkin closer to the wall, walkin closer to the wall. MAMA! Catticus so mean!

catticus
I love you Mama!
“Aw, Sadie, I love you.”

IMG_2950

 

No pet Clara. No, am prettier. No, am sweeter. Go away Clara! How you say you love me and pet her?
Dammit Clara, I just try to help you clean your butt!

img_2040

“Sadie, Off!”
No be mean Moo! I was here first! You guys, no! No fair! All humans and cats on warm, soft bed, all pettings and snuggles and me down here on floor all alone and HAHA! Cletus, they don’t want you, either! 

img_1653

 

Chasing Cletus! Chasing Cletus! 

Okay Moo, let’s go out! Goin out, goin out, goin out! Leashes suck, but I’m goin out! 

Oooh, Mama sittin up! Gonna be kibble time soon! Gonna be kibble time soon!

Mama pee! HOW EXCITING! Touch me! Touch me while you pee! No, not her, me! Touch me! Touch me! I sit your lap, too? Catticus, there’s no room for you in here. Oh, you own bathroom? Cool. Okay, I go. Excuse me. Pardon me, Your Highness.

OH MY GOD SHE’S POURING COFFEE! GONNA BE KIBBLE TIME SOON!

Don’t leave. No leave. No. Sadie go?
“Puppy not go.”
I no go. Oh so sad. I no go.

HI! HI! HI! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME LIKE THAT! I THOUGHT YOU NEVER COME HOME!

Cat food smells delicious! I’ll clean the can! Hey! At least let me lick the lid!
KIBBLE! KIBBLE! Shake shake, whatever, yes, I good girl.

sadie.shake

I see you have a danish. I love danishes. Never had one, but I know I love danishes.
“Too much sugar for puppies. Too much sugar for humans, really.”
Hypocrite.

I’M OUTTA WATER! I’M DYING! I DIG AND DIG IN WATER BOWL, BUT NO WATER! Oh you get water? Thank you. Thank you so much. Was dying.

I see you pet Catticus again. I am also fluffy and cute. Touch me. Yes, am good dog.

 

17352235_10155141440298236_3822886014487006035_n

MAILMAN ALERT! MAILMAN ALERT! DANGER! THE MAILMAN GONNA KILL US! How you just sit there and let him walk around our yard?!? I smell him! Can you not smell him!?

Why you eat that? Weirdo. Wait, does Cletus like it? Cletus, it smell good to you? Maybe I do like.
“Puppy no like tangerines.”
Oh. Yeah. No thanks.

Please spill some Rice Krispies. Please spill some Rice Krispies. Please spill some Rice Krispies. Thank you. 
Please give me the bowl. Please give me the bowl. Please give me the bowl. 
Why you let Catticus lick it? Why you love him more?
“There ya go.”
Thank you. Stupid cat can’t even drink all the milk.

Let’s play!
Nope. MY BALL!

 

I see you pet Cletus. I also soft and cute. Touch me. Yes, I am a good dog.

sadie1

I see you in bathtub. I not in the bathtub, hahaha! Nana-nana-boo-boo! Haha! Not my bathtime! Haha! Hey, is that water any good? Smells good. Mm, not bad.
OH MY GOD YOUR FEET ARE DELICIOUS! You know, the water itself isn’t great, and you’re feet aren’t great, but together, TASTY! MMM! FANTASTIC!

What you do with cat poo? Smell yummy. Get some for me. Get some for me. Fine, I’ll get some myself.
“Huh-uh, Out!”
Dang.

I see you pet Clara again. I too a pretty girl. I sweet. Touch me. Yes, am a good dog.
“I love you.”
I love you too. I love you way lots more than you love me.

sadie_a

 

Yes! Let’s go out! I not be out in so long! Back off Cletus! Cletus not go!

 

sadie2

 

“Did Puppy make a boom boom?”
Yes, I make a boom boom. I made two, but I know you can’t math.
“You wanna cookie?”
Yes, want a cookie! Love cookies!
“Who is the best dog ever?”
I am the BEST DOG EVER!
“Lie down.”
OKAY! Hey, this only half a cookie. Is whole cookie for two boom booms too much math for you?!

I want some toothpaste. I want some mouthwash. The moisturizer smells good, too. Oh no, no noisy shoes. Oh no, no, you’re gonna leave me aren’t you?

I prepare my crate for sad nap. I will carry in this bone and hey, is that paper plate from danish? Oh yeah, that’s comin with me. If Cletus can drink cold coffee, I can have plate.

Um, HELLO!?! You not close my crate. Have no cookie. No meat. Not even a handful of peas. Am good dog and demand structure! DID YOU NOT SEE ME IN MY CRATE WAITING? DO YOU SEE ME NOW?!?
“Crap. I’m sorry Dog Dog.”
COOKIE! COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE!
“Bit o turkey?”
OH MY GOD TURKEY TURKEY TURKEY TURKEY! I love you! You the best!
“Be good. Girls be home soon. Love you.”
I sad. Girls be home in a century. I love you too. You not go. We should always be together.

HI! HI! HI! HI! I MISSED YOU! YOU SMELL GREAT! YOUR LEGS TASTE BETTER AFTER WORK. DID YOU EAT CHICKEN WITHOUT ME? OH MY GOD I MISSED YOU SO MUCH! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME?!? TOUCH ME. RUB ME ALL ABOUT THE BELLY. AH, YEAH.

Aw, Jeez. Don’t hold Moo. I sit you lap. I baby.

Sassy, no, get off! My mama! My mama! I baby too.

Fuck you Clara! Fuck all y’all!

DADDY’S HOME! DADDY’S HOME! YOU GUYS! VAN! I HEAR VAN! YOU NOT HEAR IT? DADDY! DADDY! DADDY! DADDY’S COMIN!
HI! HI! HI! I MISSED YOU! YOU SMELL GREAT! DOES EVERYONE EAT CHICKEN WITHOUT ME? OH MY GOD I MISSED YOU SO MUCH! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME?!?

There no reason to give stale crackers to critters. I eat stale crackers. I critter also.

I see you chop things. I smell pig. Is that pig? Gimme some pig! Gimme some pig! Catticus, go away. No, no pig for Catticus! Pig for Sadie! Sadie’s pig! Sadie’s pig! Haha, Catticus, I got more than you!

 

JESUS CHRIST THERE’S A BUNNY IN THE YARD!
WAS THAT A FUCKIN CAT?
CAT! CAT! CAT!
“Oh mmhm, that not your kitty.”
I KNOW IS NOT MY KITTY. I NEED CHASE THAT KITTY. And maybe roll in filth. BUT FIRST GET THE KITTY!
WHERE’D THAT RABBIT GO?

I not believe y’all sit there and eat that right in front of me.

 

nosy_sadie

 

Mama said Puppy Out. I heard it. Who’s takin me? Are you takin me? Let’s go! I gotta pee!

Sassy no, you already had Mama time. Pet me! I so jealous! Pet me!
“You love the dog more than me.”
“I do not.”

SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL!
“Sadie! Stop!”
SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL!
I not sit with you and be good dog while squirrel on porch. Are you insane?!?

IMG_6514

WALKIES!? YAAASSS! When I am human and you are dog, I make you wear this on your nose and not let you eat goose poop or old chicken bones or anything. This is terrible. And you walk slow. Goddamn.

Stupid cat, afraid of cookie sheet. I show that cookie sheet a good time. Lemme at it.
“Okay.”
Pig grease good. No, wait! I not clean whole thing! Can do better! Give me more time!

OH HELL NO! THIS MY YARD MOTHERFUCKER! GET OUT OF MY YARD!
Oh, wait, I know that dog. Hey Max. Where’s your leash? Where’s your mama?
MAX OUT WITHOUT LEASH! MAX RUN FREEEEEEE! THIS IS UNJUST! I GO OUT WITHOUT A LEASH! OH MY GOD, MAX ROLL IN FILTH WITHOUT ME!

 

Daddy noooo, don’t close the door. Cookie? A cookie would really help right now.
No cookies?

HAHA! Moo left milk unattended! HAHAHA! YUMMY!

I see you pet Catticus again. He not good kitty. He no love me. See my belly? Love it. I love you.
“I love you.”

sadie_c

Happy Friday Everyone!
Run free and eat cookies!

About joey

Neurotic Bitch, Mother, Wife, Writer, Word Whore, Foodie and General Go-To-Girl
This entry was posted in Random Musings and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

67 Responses to No Doggo Talkies

  1. So much love for the animal photos! And I think you’re right about things that dogs would say…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. loisajay says:

    Oh my gosh, Joey–what a riot!! Know what my cats would say if they could talk? “Oh, good. Food. You can go now.” End of conversation. 😀

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Grinning ear-to-ear. And a few adolescent giggle-snorts at the two-poo cookie math.
    Enjoy your weekend.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. No wonder they sleep a lot. They’re exhausted!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Benson says:

    Too funny. You are right about critters speaking our language. Dogs would never stop and cats would constantly be trying to instigate trouble. Of course I would still love to listen.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. ghostmmnc says:

    Such a riot of continuous thoughts, and I’m sure that’s what she’s thinking as she goes through the day. 🙂 Happy Friday!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. meANXIETYme says:

    Hy-sterical! I do that for our dogs, too. My mom always wanted me to write a book like that. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      Thank you!
      Oh I think you could. Have you ever read Socks by Beverly Cleary? Cat is narrator.
      That’s been one of my favorite books since I was maybe 6 or 7. I reread it now and again for comfort.

      • meANXIETYme says:

        I have not read that book! I’ll have to look it up. I tried to write a book with Butthead’s voice, but I wanted to include pictures of her doing things. Unfortunately, it’s hard to catch the candid things unless you are following her around with a camera. And I can’t draw worth doodly, so I can’t do a cartoon version either.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. April says:

    I should be reading more. Thanks for the smile. I believe dogs would talk too much. It’s been quiet since the grandpuppies moved out, I can’t tell when the mailman or the UPS driver is here.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. puppy1952 says:

    I can’t stop laughing😂 Love the photos too😊

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Ha, ha! Fabulous Friday post and photos, Joey…and conversation, of course.

    janet

    Liked by 1 person

  11. lorriedeck says:

    Oh gosh! I talk for our Saint Bernard Arlo in a low, slow Eeyore type of voice.
    Obviously, he is the complete opposite of your Sadie. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Prajakta says:

    Ha ha ha ha ha ❤️❤️ I really wish they could talk… Although most of the time they’ll just snap for asking the same question so many times… “Who’s a good boy???”

    Liked by 1 person

  13. ROFL!! Hilarious! I’m sure Diva Dog says all that same stuff. You guys have a wonderful week-end too!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Erika says:

    Basically pets would be like toddlers on crack 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Jaded Jeni says:

    That was the sweetest thing I’ve ever read. Joey deserves the Pulitzer now.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. So hilarious!! Did you watch UP? This reminds me of Dug.

    Liked by 2 people

  17. orbthefirst says:

    PUPPY!
    Sounds like yours & our new pup Willow would get along. 😛

    Liked by 1 person

  18. JT Twissel says:

    Golly – how many animals do you have? It’s a good thing they can’t talk as yours would be a noisy place indeed 😄 Happy weekend!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Sounds like a great interpretation to me.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. JoAnna says:

    LOL lol LOL. This is like the hilarious side of my serious response to Linda’s SoCS prompt, language.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. darsword says:

    LOL! I loved this so much I had to read it aloud to my hubby. It is his birthday so the story is a gift! I loved how well you interpret dogness. We had a good time with this and the well-done pics! Hugs to all the furries and a belly rub for Sadie!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Alice says:

    You have very clearly, and at great length, identified precisely why it is I will NEVER IN MY LIFE BE A DOG PERSON.

    I mean, whew!! Just the idea of ’em wears me out…

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Sadie really looks adorable and even more so when you put words in her mouth! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Sharukh Bamboat says:

    While reading your post I came up with an original joke. Here it is: Which swear word would dogs generally use? Barks-tard

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Dan Antion says:

    Excellent! Sadie and Maddie would get along well, especially the part about the mailman.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey says:

      You know it!
      I always wonder what she’d do. I can imagine her barking her fool head off and then lying down for a belly rub. You know, cause she’s all bark… thus far.

      Liked by 1 person

  26. Pingback: Writing Links 5/15/17 – Where Genres Collide

  27. Ally Bean says:

    Sweetness. Who knew doggos were such chatterboxes?

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Hihihi, excellent b-day read. ❤ Squirrel and Mailman are the worst!

    Liked by 1 person

  29. marianallen says:

    THIS IS DOGS TALKING! Cats be like, “Meh,” but dogs talk all kindsa nonsense! lol!

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Loved this post! Adorable pictures! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  31. kirizar says:

    I loved a day in the life of Sadie. She really could have a blog of her own. Catticus would not be allowed on it!

    Liked by 1 person

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