The other night when we were all piled-up on the bed with the animals, we spoke for the dog.
Dogs do communicate in their own way. Sometimes we really wish Sadie could speak our language.
But think about it.
Really think about it.
If dogs could talk, THEY WOULD NEVER SHUT UP.
GOOD MORNING DADDY!
I LOVE YOU!
YOUR CROTCH SMELLS TERRIFIC!
I will go lie with Mama now. Goin to lie with Mama, goin to lie with Mama… Uh oh, Catticus, walkin closer to the wall, walkin closer to the wall. MAMA! Catticus so mean!
I love you Mama!
“Aw, Sadie, I love you.”
No pet Clara. No, am prettier. No, am sweeter. Go away Clara! How you say you love me and pet her?
Dammit Clara, I just try to help you clean your butt!
No be mean Moo! I was here first! You guys, no! No fair! All humans and cats on warm, soft bed, all pettings and snuggles and me down here on floor all alone and HAHA! Cletus, they don’t want you, either!
Chasing Cletus! Chasing Cletus!
Okay Moo, let’s go out! Goin out, goin out, goin out! Leashes suck, but I’m goin out!
Oooh, Mama sittin up! Gonna be kibble time soon! Gonna be kibble time soon!
Mama pee! HOW EXCITING! Touch me! Touch me while you pee! No, not her, me! Touch me! Touch me! I sit your lap, too? Catticus, there’s no room for you in here. Oh, you own bathroom? Cool. Okay, I go. Excuse me. Pardon me, Your Highness.
OH MY GOD SHE’S POURING COFFEE! GONNA BE KIBBLE TIME SOON!
Don’t leave. No leave. No. Sadie go?
“Puppy not go.”
I no go. Oh so sad. I no go.
HI! HI! HI! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME LIKE THAT! I THOUGHT YOU NEVER COME HOME!
Cat food smells delicious! I’ll clean the can! Hey! At least let me lick the lid!
KIBBLE! KIBBLE! Shake shake, whatever, yes, I good girl.
I see you have a danish. I love danishes. Never had one, but I know I love danishes.
“Too much sugar for puppies. Too much sugar for humans, really.”
I’M OUTTA WATER! I’M DYING! I DIG AND DIG IN WATER BOWL, BUT NO WATER! Oh you get water? Thank you. Thank you so much. Was dying.
I see you pet Catticus again. I am also fluffy and cute. Touch me. Yes, am good dog.
MAILMAN ALERT! MAILMAN ALERT! DANGER! THE MAILMAN GONNA KILL US! How you just sit there and let him walk around our yard?!? I smell him! Can you not smell him!?
Why you eat that? Weirdo. Wait, does Cletus like it? Cletus, it smell good to you? Maybe I do like.
“Puppy no like tangerines.”
Oh. Yeah. No thanks.
Please spill some Rice Krispies. Please spill some Rice Krispies. Please spill some Rice Krispies. Thank you.
Please give me the bowl. Please give me the bowl. Please give me the bowl.
Why you let Catticus lick it? Why you love him more?
“There ya go.”
Thank you. Stupid cat can’t even drink all the milk.
Nope. MY BALL!
I see you pet Cletus. I also soft and cute. Touch me. Yes, I am a good dog.
I see you in bathtub. I not in the bathtub, hahaha! Nana-nana-boo-boo! Haha! Not my bathtime! Haha! Hey, is that water any good? Smells good. Mm, not bad.
OH MY GOD YOUR FEET ARE DELICIOUS! You know, the water itself isn’t great, and you’re feet aren’t great, but together, TASTY! MMM! FANTASTIC!
What you do with cat poo? Smell yummy. Get some for me. Get some for me. Fine, I’ll get some myself.
I see you pet Clara again. I too a pretty girl. I sweet. Touch me. Yes, am a good dog.
“I love you.”
I love you too. I love you way lots more than you love me.
Yes! Let’s go out! I not be out in so long! Back off Cletus! Cletus not go!
“Did Puppy make a boom boom?”
Yes, I make a boom boom. I made two, but I know you can’t math.
“You wanna cookie?”
Yes, want a cookie! Love cookies!
“Who is the best dog ever?”
I am the BEST DOG EVER!
OKAY! Hey, this only half a cookie. Is whole cookie for two boom booms too much math for you?!
I want some toothpaste. I want some mouthwash. The moisturizer smells good, too. Oh no, no noisy shoes. Oh no, no, you’re gonna leave me aren’t you?
I prepare my crate for sad nap. I will carry in this bone and hey, is that paper plate from danish? Oh yeah, that’s comin with me. If Cletus can drink cold coffee, I can have plate.
Um, HELLO!?! You not close my crate. Have no cookie. No meat. Not even a handful of peas. Am good dog and demand structure! DID YOU NOT SEE ME IN MY CRATE WAITING? DO YOU SEE ME NOW?!?
“Crap. I’m sorry Dog Dog.”
COOKIE! COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE!
“Bit o turkey?”
OH MY GOD TURKEY TURKEY TURKEY TURKEY! I love you! You the best!
“Be good. Girls be home soon. Love you.”
I sad. Girls be home in a century. I love you too. You not go. We should always be together.
HI! HI! HI! HI! I MISSED YOU! YOU SMELL GREAT! YOUR LEGS TASTE BETTER AFTER WORK. DID YOU EAT CHICKEN WITHOUT ME? OH MY GOD I MISSED YOU SO MUCH! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME?!? TOUCH ME. RUB ME ALL ABOUT THE BELLY. AH, YEAH.
Aw, Jeez. Don’t hold Moo. I sit you lap. I baby.
Sassy, no, get off! My mama! My mama! I baby too.
Fuck you Clara! Fuck all y’all!
DADDY’S HOME! DADDY’S HOME! YOU GUYS! VAN! I HEAR VAN! YOU NOT HEAR IT? DADDY! DADDY! DADDY! DADDY’S COMIN!
HI! HI! HI! I MISSED YOU! YOU SMELL GREAT! DOES EVERYONE EAT CHICKEN WITHOUT ME? OH MY GOD I MISSED YOU SO MUCH! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME?!?
There no reason to give stale crackers to critters. I eat stale crackers. I critter also.
I see you chop things. I smell pig. Is that pig? Gimme some pig! Gimme some pig! Catticus, go away. No, no pig for Catticus! Pig for Sadie! Sadie’s pig! Sadie’s pig! Haha, Catticus, I got more than you!
JESUS CHRIST THERE’S A BUNNY IN THE YARD!
WAS THAT A FUCKIN CAT?
CAT! CAT! CAT!
“Oh mmhm, that not your kitty.”
I KNOW IS NOT MY KITTY. I NEED CHASE THAT KITTY. And maybe roll in filth. BUT FIRST GET THE KITTY!
WHERE’D THAT RABBIT GO?
I not believe y’all sit there and eat that right in front of me.
Mama said Puppy Out. I heard it. Who’s takin me? Are you takin me? Let’s go! I gotta pee!
Sassy no, you already had Mama time. Pet me! I so jealous! Pet me!
“You love the dog more than me.”
“I do not.”
SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL!
SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL!
I not sit with you and be good dog while squirrel on porch. Are you insane?!?
WALKIES!? YAAASSS! When I am human and you are dog, I make you wear this on your nose and not let you eat goose poop or old chicken bones or anything. This is terrible. And you walk slow. Goddamn.
Stupid cat, afraid of cookie sheet. I show that cookie sheet a good time. Lemme at it.
Pig grease good. No, wait! I not clean whole thing! Can do better! Give me more time!
OH HELL NO! THIS MY YARD MOTHERFUCKER! GET OUT OF MY YARD!
Oh, wait, I know that dog. Hey Max. Where’s your leash? Where’s your mama?
MAX OUT WITHOUT LEASH! MAX RUN FREEEEEEE! THIS IS UNJUST! I GO OUT WITHOUT A LEASH! OH MY GOD, MAX ROLL IN FILTH WITHOUT ME!
Daddy noooo, don’t close the door. Cookie? A cookie would really help right now.
HAHA! Moo left milk unattended! HAHAHA! YUMMY!
I see you pet Catticus again. He not good kitty. He no love me. See my belly? Love it. I love you.
“I love you.”
Happy Friday Everyone!
Run free and eat cookies!